tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7954257099121831562024-03-12T19:01:57.108-06:00Once In This LifeAmberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08982091544424394335noreply@blogger.comBlogger173125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-795425709912183156.post-24394521447827129612007-12-11T11:30:00.000-07:002007-12-11T12:46:54.923-07:00I Think Of You As Family<span style="font-size:130%;">Last night I went over to Devon's house to sit with Janie for a little while. It's been so difficult to see her since the fire, she doesn't seem like the same Janie I've known most of my life. She seems withdrawn. Devon told me that she's been like that since he brought her home that night. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"She doesn't want to do anything," he told me. "She just wants to sit around watching TV or sleep. I'm worried about her, this can't be healthy."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Have you tried to get her to go out?"</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Yeah," he nodded. "But the only time she went out was to go to the funeral. She..." he trailed off. He looked so defeated as he stood before me, I wanted to give him a hug and tell him that everything will be ok. "I don't know what to do," he admitted helplessly. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">He had a meeting with a client, that's why he called and asked me to sit with her, he didn't want to leave her alone in case she needed something. After I promised to call him if she asked for him, he poked his head into the living to tell her that he was heading out. Janie didn't even acknowledge him, she just stared at the TV. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">Once Devon was gone, I walked into the living room and Janie sighed. "He's hovering."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"He's worried about you."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Yeah," she sniffed. "He's been asking me how I'm doing. I tell him I'm fine but he keeps asking me. Make him stop Amber, tell him to stop asking me how I'm doing. My mom is dead, my dad killed her. How the hell do you think I'm doing? I'm dying inside."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Janie," I went to her and wrapped an arm around her shoulders. "I'm so sorry that this happened, I wish there was something I could do to change it but I can't."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"I know," she mumbled and then chuckled. "Devon would turn back time if he could, he told me that last night when we were in bed."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Ummm..."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"It's not what you think," she told me. "We didn't do anything - we haven't done anything - he just holds me and I sleep." She closed her eyes as she took a deep breath. "I'm so tired all the time," she sighed heavily. "If he let me I would sleep all the time but he won't, he gets me up."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"He cares about you," I said softly. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Mmm," she nodded. "He does."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"And you -"</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"I just buried my mom."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">That was the extent of our conversation. She started to cry again. When Devon came home, I was sitting on one end of his couch, watching TV, stroking her hair as she rested her head on my lap as she cried. I felt like I was soothing Alexis, is that weird? It seemed like it was a motherly thing to do.</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">I left Devon's not long after he got home, I don't even think that either one of them noticed that I did. As I drove home, I was glad that Janie let Devon help her out in her time of need. She certainly didn't have any other people to count on besides Reed and me. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">I was happy to see my home appear in front of me as I pulled into the driveway. I was feeling a little down from visiting with Janie, I wanted to go find Reed and curl up in his arms. "Reed?" I called as I walked into the dimly lit house. When I left he was watching TV, I guess I expected him to be still in the living room but it seemed like he was already gone to bed. I couldn't help but feel disappointed as I turned off the lights as I headed down the hallway to check on Alexis before going upstairs to cuddle up to his sleeping form. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Amber." I heard his voice coming from behind me, I turned to see him sitting behind his desk in his office. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Hey!" I grinned as I made my way into his office. "I'm so glad that you are awake, I..." The look he gave me stopped me from finishing that sentence. "Reed? Honey what's wrong?"</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Come here," he pushed his chair out from the desk. "I have to ask you something."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Ok," I said hesitantly as I rounded his desk. "What's on your mind?" He leaned back in the chair, his head resting against the head rest as he gazed up at me while his fingers teasingly stroked my fingers. "Reed?" I couldn't make out the look on his face. He didn't look upset but he didn't look happy either. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">He gripped my wrist and yanked on my hand, pulling me down onto his lap. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Reed!" I laughed as he settled me across his lap. I went to kiss him but he held a finger up to my lips. I frowned. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"I came in here to do some work," he told me. "But I decided to check out some stuff online when I stumbled across this -" he turned my head towards the screen.</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">I gasped as I saw my words staring me right in the face. "I..." I turned back to him, he looked at me with questions in his eyes. "I..."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"I believe you said that already Amber."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Don't be mad." </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">He frowned. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"I needed to talk to someone and there was no one around. I wanted to feel like someone cared about what was happening with me. I needed something to stop me from going crazy." He didn't said anything. "Reed you don't know what it was like, I was cut off from everyone I knew and loved. I didn't know anyone and I was lonely so I started to write. People were reading it, they were interested in what was going on with me. I soon started to think of them as my friends."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"But you don't know anything about them Amber! But they know all of our personal business!"</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"I know! I came to rely on them, they helped me out when I needed it and they gave advice." He stared at me. "Don't do that," I cried. "You must have read the comments, you know that they were all rooting for you!" I smiled, "They helped me open my eyes when it came to you honey. They made me realize just how lucky I was to have you in my life."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"So you are with me because of them?"</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"No!" I laughed. "They just helped me spread the dark clouds of hurt and self doubt to see what I've always thought and felt for you. I'm with you because I love you Reed." I kissed his lips. "And they all love you too!"</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">He blushed. "I guess it isn't bad after all."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"No," I hugged him tight. "It's all good, it brought us back together again."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Well," he nibbled at my neck. "In that case, don't you think we should go upstairs and make them proud?"</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">He led the way and I followed eagerly. Making love to Reed last night was nothing short of earth shattering. With every beat of my heart, I love him more. I don't know where our journey is going to take us. All I know is that I'm extremely grateful to have been given a second chance at happiness. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">It's with mixed emotions that I write this entry today. Even though I love all of you guys, who take the time out of your busy schedules to check in on me and give me some help, a kind word or encouragement, I feel that it's time to take the next step. I will miss every single one of you and I will never forget how a group of strangers became my best friends through the written words on a web page. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">I hope that you are all proud of the person I have become for you all had a hand in molding me. Thank you. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">- AmberLynn</span>Amberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08982091544424394335noreply@blogger.com28tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-795425709912183156.post-17617022618534062922007-11-26T07:29:00.000-07:002007-11-26T10:13:48.257-07:00No Time Bombs Allowed<span style="font-size:130%;">This past weekend my soon to be in laws renewed their wedding vows in a beautifully decorated room at the clubhouse. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">The one thing that surprised me about the ceremony was the fact that it was a very intimate affair. I expected Lucinda to have invited everyone under the sun and their offspring but she didn't, she kept it very private. Besides Sean, Reed, me and Alexis only Reed's grandmother and a handful of relatives and close family friends were on the guest list. There may have been thirty people tops in the room and that was almost too many if you were standing along side Lucinda as she waited for the ceremony to start. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"I'm so nervous," she giggled like a little school girl. "You would think this is the first time I stood before everyone and pledge my love for that man."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">I smiled, "Well it is the first time your boys got to see you do it."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"My boys," she sighed happily. "I'm so glad Sean is here to share this day with us. I just wish he would've let me set him up with someone, I don't like that he's alone. I want him to know the happiness that his father and brother both feel."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Don't worry about Sean," I told her. "I'm sure he has plenty of women he can choose from, after all he is a Johnson."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Why AmberLynn!" Lucinda gasped as she turned to stare at me. "I do believe those stars in your eyes have blinded you to the dislike you felt for my family."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">I shrugged, "What happened is in the past Lucinda, why dwell on it? Reed loves me and he wants to spend his life with me, why shouldn't I be happy to be apart of his family? I thought that all issues we had with each other have been resolved, was I wrong?"</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Of course not!" She gave me a hug. "Roger and I are very happy that you and Reed are moving forward. Why just the other night, Roger told me that he hoped you two didn't wait too long to have another grandchild, he swore he would do right by you two the next time around." She smiled, "I just think he wants more babies running around, these last couple days he has spent with Alexis has really softened him - he's been trying to get her to call him 'papa' but she looks around the room every time he says it. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"She is looking for my dad," I told her. "He's 'papa' to her. We'll have to come up with some other name for him for her to use." </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">Lucinda seemed a little disappointed but what could I do? It took too long for him to come around, I wasn't going to confuse Alexis and insist on her calling Roger 'papa' when she associated that word with my dad. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">During the ceremony, I was seated between Reed and Sean. Alexis was seated on my lap at the beginning, she was playing 'peekaboo' with Uncle Sean and giggling but soon that wasn't enough, she wanted to be up with him. It was so cute to see Sean holding her, he looked a little unsure of what he was doing but she looked really happy to be up with him. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">I managed to hold it together for most of the ceremony, even though I was picturing Reed and I up there instead of his parents. When Lucinda and Roger were reciting the vows they wrote for each other, I started to tear up. I didn't think I was going to cry until Reed wrapped his arms around me. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Soon that will be us," he whispered. "I can't wait for that day either, I want to tell the world how much I love you." He paused as his lips brushed my cheek. "I already have an idea what I want to say to you that day my love."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"You do?" I was surprised, the date we had tossed around wasn't for another 8 months, how could be possibly know what he wanted to say. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Mmmhmm," he nodded. "I've known for a while what I wanted to say to you on the happiest day of our lives."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"What is it?" </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">He chuckled, "I can't tell you now Amber, you aren't wearing white or standing in front of a priest."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"I could fix that," I told him as I pretended to move to get up. He laughed and held me tight. "Ok," I sighed, "I guess I can wait."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">In all, the ceremony and reception that followed went off as perfectly as Lucinda had planned. The only part of the night that had the potential to get out of hand happened just after the ceremony. Reed and I were standing with Sean when Devon came up to speak with us, he didn't get 'hello' out before Sean mentioned Janie. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"I hear you two broke up," he stated. "What happened?"</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">Devon, obviously taken back by the question, stared at Sean for a few seconds before calmly telling him to mind his own business and not to believe everything he hears. "Janie and I aren't done."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">I'm not sure what Sean was trying to do when he asked about Janie, he wouldn't tell Reed or I when we asked but since Janie told me what happened with him the day she sprained her ankle, I was starting to wonder if Sean had his sights set on Janie. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">And if he did, what did that mean? Would he really pursue someone who is clearing mixed up about what she's looking for in a relationship? What would happen if they did date? Would it drive a wedge between Devon and Reed, would it ruin their friendship? </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">I like all three of them - Sean, Janie and Devon - it's hard to know that there is a potential for something to happen, something to go wrong and not do anything to try and stop it. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">But that's what I'm going to do - nothing. I get the feeling that getting mixed up in whatever could happen with them won't turn out well for me or Reed. I don't wish for anything to ruin Reed and I, we deserve the happiness we feel right now. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">I just hope everyone else can find the same happiness we feel...</span>Amberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08982091544424394335noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-795425709912183156.post-70592439970380713062007-11-19T03:06:00.000-07:002007-11-19T09:03:47.818-07:00Darkness And Light<span style="font-size:130%;">Last night Reed and I were in bed, he was reading some book that he picked up a couple weeks ago and I was curled up with my back to him as I tried to sleep - I needed sleep. It had been a long week, Alexis picked up a cold at work so she was very clingy and whiny, she didn't want to do anything but be up with me. Even Reed couldn't get her to go with him and we all know how much Alexis loves her daddy.</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">After a half hour of laying there listening to the voices in my head go on and on about not obsessing about whether or not he was ever going to ask me to marry him - yes, I was still thinking about it, it was continuous cycle. One minute I was all <em>'oh he loves me and wants to marry me, he is just waiting for the right moment</em>', I would go on about my day but later I would be thinking <em>'but you told him you needed time, what if he thinks that you don't want to even talk about marriage anytime soon?</em>'</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><em>Oh stop it!</em> I took a deep breath and let it out. <em>Just stop it, he knows that you love him and -</em></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Amber is everything ok?" I felt Reed move behind me as I froze. <em>Oh crap,</em> I thought. <em>Did I say something out loud?</em> "Amber?" </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">I intended on quickly glancing over my shoulder, telling him that everything was fine and then go back to trying to sleep but when I saw the concern on his face, I sighed. "No, everything isn't ok," I told him. "I need to talk to you about something," </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Ummm," for a moment there was a hint of surprise in his eyes before the worry pushed it all away. He marked his page in the book before dropping it on his nightstand. "Ok," he turned back to me. "What's on your mind darling?"</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Well," I sighed once again as I pushed myself into a sitting position beside him. "This is probably going to sound crazy but..."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">He raised a brow slightly but didn't say anything. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"See the thing is..." I bit my lip nervously as I stared at him. "Well it's just that..." I frowned, I couldn't think of a way to say what was on my mind without blurting out 'are you ever going to marry me!'</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Amber come on," he took my hand in his and held it on his lap. "Please tell me what it is, you are scaring me a little here." He chuckled as if he was joking but the look he gave me told me he was serious, I was giving him a reason to worry. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"But I don't want to worry you," I replied. "I just...I mean...well..." I stopped, gave him a slight smile and shrugged. "It doesn't want to come out coherently it seems."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Just say whatever it is Amber."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Well," I pulled my hand from his, ignoring the frown when I did so. I moved in as close as I could to him, my hand slipped up over his arm to rest against his cheek. "I love you so much, do you know that?" </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">He smiled, "I love you too Amber."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Yeah," I beamed. "But -"</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">His face fell. "But?" </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"No," I stopped him from saying anything else. "It's not a bad but."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Well a but at all after I tell you I love you can't be good Amber." He started to draw away from me. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"No," I grabbed his arm. "It's not a bad thing," I insisted. "It's not!" He didn't look convinced. "This isn't going the way I want," I groaned. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">He stared down at me for a couple seconds before he asked me how I wanted this to go. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"I wanted you to know that I love you," I told him. "I wanted to tell you how much you meant to me, how my life without you was dark and lonely. I don't ever want to be that way again Reed, I don't ever want to be somewhere without you." I paused but he remained quiet, his normally expressive eyes unreadable. I didn't know if he was getting what I was saying or not, I started to panic a little. "There isn't a day that goes by that I don't thank God for the love and the joy you brought into my life. You've been patient when I was determined to push you away. You've been loving when I wanted to hate you. You've been understanding when I told you I needed to do things my way when I moved back here. You've loved me despite all my efforts to destroy any chance we had together." </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">He stared at me when I stopped, I was sniffing as tears rolled down my face, I knew I looked like a mess. He looked like he was thinking something over. Slowly he nodded but still didn't say anything. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">And then he pushed back the covers and got out of bed.</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Reed!" I cried out as he walked towards our closet. "Please don't go," I begged as I started to sob. I didn't know what was going on, I didn't think that what I told him would make him mad. <em>What went wrong?</em> I asked myself as my eyes remained focused on the closet where he disappeared. <em>He can't be leaving me!</em></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">I was in the middle of jumping out of bed when he reappeared, "Don't." He said when he saw me. "Stay where you are." </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"I didn't mean to upset you," I told him as he crossed the room to rejoin me. "I was just -"</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">He kissed me softly, "I'll take over from here my love."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Take over?" I frowned. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">He suddenly seemed really nervous. "I've been waiting for the perfect moment," he told me. "I thought I wanted everyone around us but I chickened out at your father's birthday."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Chickened out?" I repeated in confusion. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Yeah," he gave me a lopsided grin. "I was nervous, I thought I knew exactly how I wanted it, I thought I had the right words but whenever I saw you, I couldn't even think."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Couldn't think?" I was lost. "Reed what are you talking about?"</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"You!" He exclaimed. "I'm talking about you my darling Berrylynn. The mother of my little girl, the strong woman who took her life in her own hands and wouldn't let me have my stubborn way when it mattered the most." He chuckled. "The woman who came crashing through the bushes, crashing what had to be the worse birthday ever, only to turn my life upside down with just a smile."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Well I..." my voice trailed off as he pulled his hand from behind his back. Holding his hand out to me, he turned it palm up to reveal a small black box. My jaw dropped, I kept looking back and forth between his hand and his eyes. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"You said all the words I was thinking," he lifted his free hand to my cheek; I closed my eyes for a moment as his knuckles brushed my skin. "I thank God for every look, every smile and every touch. I thank Him for bringing such a beautiful loving woman into my life when I had lost all hope of ever finding the perfect woman for me."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">He opened the box to reveal the ring that I was drooling over that say in the mall. "Oh my," I gasped, my eyes jumped to his handsome face. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"I love you with all my heart and soul Amber. You gave me so much when I didn't think I deserved it. I want to walk hand in hand with you through this life. I want to wake up every morning and go to sleep every night knowing that I'm holding true happiness in my arms. I want..." His voice broke, he lowered his head for a brief second before lifting it again. Through the tears that lit up his eyes, he took my hand in his. "I want to hold you forever AmberLynn. Will you let me? Will you marry me my love?"</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Yes!" I wrapped my hand around his neck, pulling his head down to me. "Yes!" I cried happily as his lips captured mine.</span>Amberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08982091544424394335noreply@blogger.com18tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-795425709912183156.post-85355976292959527342007-11-12T06:11:00.000-07:002007-11-12T06:24:33.328-07:00Disappointment<span style="font-size:130%;">Like many of you, I thought that maybe, just maybe there was something suspicious about the party for my father and Reed's behaviour at the beginning of the week. Unfortunately, we were all wrong. Nothing exciting happened this past weekend. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">Is it wrong to be disappointed? </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">I know I shouldn't be, especially since the day that my called me about the lack of reply to the invitation that she sent out for father's party, I found the 'missing' invitation in on Reed's desk in his office at home. When I asked him about it after work he told me that he already told my father that we would be there so he didn't see the point in returning the card to my mother. As for telling me about it? He said he figured that I knew about it since it was for my father. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">Along with the invitation, I also found the receipt for his mini golf outing with Sean. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">But damn it, I still held onto the hope that something special was going to happen this past weekend. But nothing did...and now I'm a little depressed.</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">I feel that my life as become pretty boring now - not that I'm not enjoying it - but unlike before, i can't seem to get the energy to post here and make mundane topics seem exciting. I'm hoping that soon I'll have something exciting to talk about....like maybe a wedding? ~crosses my fingers~</span>Amberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08982091544424394335noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-795425709912183156.post-21043377002524234232007-11-06T09:19:00.000-07:002007-11-06T10:20:41.757-07:00Let Me Know - It Won't Hurt, I Promise<span style="font-size:130%;">Last Sunday Reed told me that he was going golfing with Sean and that we would meet up at the club for lunch. After I posted the last entry here, Alexis and I went down to the club. We arrived about twenty minutes early so I figured that we would sit overlooking the course until it was time to meet the guys for lunch. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">As we made our way up the staircase to the observation area we ran into some of my father's friends, I stopped to talk to them for a couple minutes before telling them what Alexis and I were heading off to do. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Amber my dear, I haven't seem Reed all morning," one of them told me. "Are you sure he was playing here? Not many people have been out on the course today, it's getting too cold to golf."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"I'm pretty certain that's what he said."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Well maybe he snuck by us," one joked as they moved on down the stairs. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">We made our way up the rest of the stairs and to the observation room where I gazed out over the course but I couldn't see much activity on the course. We sat there for a couple minutes before making our way back down and out to the Jeep so that I could give Reed a call. I tried him a couple times but each time there was no answer. I was a little upset. I wondered why on earth he would tell me he was going to be at the club when he wasn't. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">Ten minutes later I was still sitting in the Jeep, debating going home and waiting for him to call or show up, when I saw his car pull into a parking space three spots down and one over from where I was. I sat back in my seat with my arms crossed as I watched Sean and him get out and head towards the club. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">They had to pass right in front of the Jeep on their way to the club. They were so into whatever they were talking about that they didn't see me - at first. They had just passed the Jeep when Sean stopped dead in his tracks, glanced over his shoulder as he spoke to Reed, who spun around with a guilty look on his face. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"How was the game?" I asked him when he opened the driver's door. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"It was damn cold," he exclaimed with a smile. "We decided to head down to the mall for a game of mini gold instead." I remained still and silent. "Amber," he pouted as he tugged on my arms that were still crossed over my chest. "Please don't be upset."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">I closed my eyes and sighed. "Why didn't you give me a call to let me know? We could've just met there and had lunch."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">He raised a brow, "I didn't want to interrupt your cuddling time with my pillow?" He leaned in and grinned, "Did you keep some loving for me?"</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">I laughed, "You'll just have to find out when you get home," I told him as I turned to get out of the Jeep. "Alexis is hungry," I giggled when his arms came around my waist and he nuzzled my neck.</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Oh ok," he groaned as he released me. "But we'll finish this later!"</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">And oh boy did we! We both slept really well Sunday night - so well that we were both later getting up for work on Monday!</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">I got off the phone with my mother a few minutes before I started this post and I'm still shaking my head at the conversation.<br /><br />"Hello Amber," she greeted me when I answered the phone. "I was just checking over the guest list that Elsa prepared for this weekend and I was shocked that neither Reed nor you name was on the list. Why is that Amber?"<br /><br />I frowned, Elsa was my mother's 'aide' - why my mother needed an 'aide' was beyond me but I just went along with it. "Well mother, it's probably because I don't know what is supposed to be going on for me to have my name on the list."<br /><br />"Why it's your father's birthday AmberLynn! Surely you didn't forget!"<br /><br />I didn't, but I didn't remember it either, if that makes sense. "I didn't know you were having a party for him," I told her. "You didn't tell me about it."<br /><br />"I did," she stated. "I sent out the invitations to your father's party weeks ago Amber, you should have gotten one."<br /><br />"Mom, I didn't."<br /><br />"Well you should have," she sounded upset. "Please tell me that you and Reed will be here? Your father would be very upset if you weren't."<br /><br />"I'm sure we could rearrange any plans we had to make it to the party mom, I just wish you would've mentioned it to me before this."<br /><br />"I sent an invitation," she told me and added, "Everyone else got theirs and replied."<br /><br />I could've stood there with the phone to my ear all day, telling her that I didn't get the invitation but what was the point? I sighed, "Mom we'll be there but next time you have a party, would you please call me and tell me instead of sending me an invitation?"<br /><br />It's not a difficult concept, mentioning the party to me in one of the many calls she makes to me in a week but she didn't. I know she didn't, I would've remembered. So that makes me wonder if this party was a last minute change of plans on their end, which is more likely than her never mentioning it to me at all.<br /><br />Sucky thing is, Reed may not be too happy that he's got to dress up and socialize with my parents' friends, people he works with or some of the clients he has to deal with daily. But it's not like we can get out of it, it's my father's birthday. I may not have the best relationship with him but I'm not about to snub him on his birthday.</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">Well I'm off to work. </span>Amberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08982091544424394335noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-795425709912183156.post-81313467237791073092007-11-04T11:07:00.000-07:002007-11-04T11:29:23.678-07:00Little Messages<span style="font-size:130%;">Every time I think that there's nothing that could happen to make me happier, Reed does some small thing to let me know he's thinking about me.</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">This morning he was up early to meet up with Sean for a game of golf at the club. Reed hates to golf but Sean wanted to try it, so he volunteered to go with his brother. "No," he whispered to me when the clock went off at quarter to seven. "You don't have to get up, I'll see you later when you meet us for lunch."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">I didn't argue with him, he had me up most of the night making love to me. I was sore and tired, I just wanted to lay in his arms and sleep. Or cuddle up with his pillow since he had to get up. "Have a good game," I mumbled to him when he came over to kiss me good bye.</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">Once he left, I fell back to sleep. I didn't wake up until just a half hour ago when I heard Alexis calling out. Reluctantly, I got out of bed, threw on some clothes and went to let her know I was awake. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">I walked out into the kitchen with her, put her in her high chair while I went to get her breakfast - cheese whiz on toast with milk - when I saw something wrote on the magnetic pad on the fridge. On further inspection, I discovered that it was Reed's hand writing. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><em>"I'm very jealous of my pillow right now,"</em> he wrote. <em>"Save some loving for me."</em> </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">I laughed out loud, Alexis gave me a funny look. "I'm getting your breakfast," I told her as I pulled the door to the fridge open. There was another note in there, it read, <em>"I love you darling."</em></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">I just wanted to share that with you all before I headed out to the club to join Reed and Sean for lunch. </span>Amberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08982091544424394335noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-795425709912183156.post-15128749883375796322007-10-27T03:05:00.000-06:002007-10-28T03:07:27.036-06:00Who We'll Be<span style="font-size:130%;">"I found the perfect costumes for you and Alexis!" Reed exclaimed when he walked in the door a couple days ago after work. "It's probably the coolest idea ever!"<br /><br />Reed loves Halloween. And I mean really loves it! It's almost the same as Christmas for him. At the end of last month, I came home to find bags of decorations all over the house and Reed up to his elbows in fake cobwebs. Inside and out, my house looks like a freakin' haunted house. He has even cleaned out the garage and with the help of Devon and Sean, he's set up a 'scary' place to hang out for the Halloween party he's been preparing for. Reed is in his glory and Alexis has finally stopped being scared of the life sized mummy in the living room.<br /><br />"What did you find?" I was in the kitchen going through all my baking supplies to see if I had enough to make the list of treats that Reed found online and requested for the Halloween party that I mentioned already, the one he decided to throw for all of the kids at the day care on Halloween. He doesn't want to take Alexis out trick or treating, he says she's too young and she'd be tired and cranky if we do that. Apparently many of the other parents who bring their kids to the day care agreed with Reed, most of them jumped at the chance to bring their kids out to our house for the party.<br /><br />When I told Nadine about the party, she volunteered to come over this weekend to help me with all the baking and as well as Tuesday to help with the last minute prep. My mom and Reed's mom have volunteered to come over for the party to help out and Janie said she would be there with bells on - Devon said 'literally' - I'm not sure what he meant by that and I'm not sure I want to know.<br /><br />"Give me a minute," he threw over his shoulder as he scooped Alexis off the floor where she was banging on pots and pans she pulled from the cupboard.<br /><br />"What are you up too?" I asked as I followed him down the hallway to Alexis' room.<br /><br />"Stay in the kitchen!" He disappeared into her room and closed the door.<br /><br />"Ok," I said slowly as I returned to the kitchen to add to my shopping list. I just finished my list when I heard Reed behind me. I turned around to see what he found. "That is so cute!" I rushed towards them, trying to get a better look at Alexis' costume. "What did daddy buy you?"<br /><br />Reed put Alexis down on the floor as I knelt down in front of her. "Ohhhh," I cooed. "You look so adorable in your little sheep costume!" Alexis tugged at the satin piece that went down over her hands and gave me a look that spoke volumes, she wasn't so sure she liked the soft white chenille fur jumpsuit with black legs and cuffs with a matching character headpiece with its little ears and pink satin bows.<br /><br />"You are going to be the cutest little girl at the party!" I told her while I gave her a big hug. "And you," I stood up with Alexis clinging to me and reached for Reed. "You are everything a woman could ever hope to find in a man! I love you and I love that you are such an amazing daddy."<br /><br />Reed chuckled as his arms wrapped around Alexis and me. "I love you too," he kissed both of us. "Now," he smiled down at me. "It's your turn, go slip into your costume for me. It's in Alexis' room hanging over the rocking chair."<br /><br />Excitedly, I turned to go down at the hall, wondering what he could've possible got for me. I stopped short, a sense of dread washed over me. "You didn't get me a sheep suit too, did you?"<br /><br />"No!" He laughed out loud. "Oh God that would've been hilarious to see though, you in a sheep suit. Baa!"<br /><br />"Baa!"<br /><br />"Baa?" Alexis piped up and looked offended when we laughed.<br /><br />I heard Reed asked Alexis if she wanted down as I neared her room. "Where are you going Lexi?" He called out and then said my name. I turned at her room door to see her coming towards me saying, 'baa, baa, baa, baa, baa'. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">Once she was in her room with me, Alexis ran over to her toy box and started pulling everything out. "Reed honey, you might want to come take that costume off her before..." my voice trailed away as I spotted a white top and skirt with blue ribbon and little blue bows on it but it was the white staff with blue bow that made me laugh. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Don't go laughing Bo Peep, just put that costume on." As he bent to scoop Alexis up, he said, "Come here little lost sheep."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">While Reed played with Alexis, I stripped my sweats off and slipped into the knee lenght layered skirt; each of the four layers had blue ribbon weaved through the bottom edge. "Don't forget the stockings and shoes," he pointed to the bag that was hiding under the skirt.</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">Sitting down, I pulled out the white stockings and black flat, rounded toe shoes, with a little strap that he bought. Once both of those were on, I stood again to put on the boned bustier top. The top was trimmed with lace at both the waist and the chest and blue ribbon crisscrossed up the front, tied in a bow at the top. And then to top it off there was a white bonnet with blue ribbon weaved through it, which tied in the black to hold it on my head, and the staff. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Well?" I stood in front of Reed and Alexis, waiting for his reaction. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Perfect," he stood up and reached for me. "I think you should wear that around the house for a while," he whispered against my neck. "You look hot."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Reed!" I giggled but didn't move away from him. "Thank you."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"No problem," he grinned and then told me that it took him a while to find this costume with the knee lenght skirt. "Everywhere I checked, on line and in the stores around here, it came with the high thigh skirt, which wasn't a problem for me but I didn't want all Alexis' friends to see where she came from!"</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Reed!" I slapped his shoulder. "That's not funny!"</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"No?" I shook my head. "I'm sorry, I thought it was." He kissed the tip of my nose, his hands sliding down my back to cup my bum. "You like my costume choices?"</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Yes," I kissed him. "It's cute, Bo Peep and little sheep. But," I frowned. "What about you? What are you dressing up as?"</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Why a Shepard of course!" He chuckled. "I saw a little teddy bear costume and I thought about the two of us being bears as well, but damn I tried on the adult bear suit, it didn't work for me, too hot and bulky, we wouldn't be able to move around like we need to at the party. Then I thought Mary and little lamb for you and Alexis but then what would I be? The little lamb suit was so cute though, Alexis would've rocked it!"</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"I guess there's always next year for Alexis to be a little lamb."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Yes, there is but maybe next year it'll be Mary and her little lambs?" </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">The comment came out of no where, it surprised me. "What?" I stared up at him. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">He shrugged, "I was just thinking out loud, that's all."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Oh." That's right, that's all I could say. Reed moved away mumbling something about changing Alexis and then getting something for supper. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">After supper, while I was out picking up the stuff I needed for the party still, Reed's comment was running around inside my head. He had joked about having another baby before, he even jokingly told Janie we were trying but it was the first time he ever mentioned it seriously. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">Does that mean that all the other times, he wasn't joking? He would like to start trying for another baby? </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">A couple months ago, the idea of another baby with him right now would have scared me a little because I wasn't sure about us but now? I would love to share that experience with him. I think he would be supportive and caring, maybe a little too much at times, but he would be there to experience everything. He wouldn't miss any of the firsts with our second child, which would mean the world to both of us. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">But how would Alexis react to having another baby around? Would she be jealous? Or will she be fine? </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">I guess if Reed's grandmother has her way, there won't be another baby for us until he slips a wedding band on my finger. Not that I'm going to stop him from making love to me over a ring. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">We'll see what happens. We already did the baby before marriage thing once and it's not like we don't love our little girl any less because of it. Another baby before marriage wouldn't upset me. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">But marriage before another baby wouldn't ruin my dreams either!</span>Amberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08982091544424394335noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-795425709912183156.post-74505881977407284472007-10-23T08:22:00.000-06:002007-10-23T08:38:42.255-06:00One Track Mind<span style="font-size:130%;">Since last week I've been expecting Reed to say something about an engagement ring or to talk about getting married but he hasn't. It's driving me crazy! I know I should be patient and wait for him to make the proposal but I just want to grab him and tell him that I want to get married - NOW!</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">God it's funny, a couple months ago I was telling him I didn't want to even think about marriage. Now it's all I think about. I've been secretly browsing Bridal magazines while I'm out shopping. I've already know what type of dress I want, I've picked out the cake, flowers, and invitations already. Well, I know which ones I want to have. I even know what dress I want my little flower girl, our beautiful little girl, to wear. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">And if that's not crazy enough for you, I've caught myself writing "Amber Johnson" on a couple cheques the other day!</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">ARGH!</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">I know I could take matters into my own hands, I could ask him to marry me but I know he'll be upset if I do that. Reed is a romantic, I'm sure you all know this by now. I know that he has thought about asking me to marry him, he told me that he was going to ask me before I moved away. I'm 100% certain that he has some sort of plan and time line. I know it'll be so romantic and wonderful when he does ask me. I don't want to miss out on that moment by asking him to marry me. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">Sigh. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">So I will wait. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">Maybe if I stop obsessing over it, he'll ask me.</span>Amberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08982091544424394335noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-795425709912183156.post-76332686185456953522007-10-19T11:38:00.000-06:002007-10-19T11:39:25.658-06:00Moved<span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3366ff;">I moved to </span><a href="http://supposethatshowitgoes.blogspot.com/"><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3366ff;">here</span></a><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3366ff;"> so Amber could have her space back and to avoid the confusion over whose post you were reading...</span>Janiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04368139616467672759noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-795425709912183156.post-62100113980833702382007-10-18T09:01:00.000-06:002007-10-18T11:49:36.380-06:00Shining Star<span style="font-size:130%;">After work yesterday, Alexis and I decided to head to grocery store to do a little shopping. Well I guess I decided to go, Alexis really had no choice in the matter but she didn't complain either. Then again, if I was getting pushed around in a cart and given a cookie at the beginning of my ride, I wouldn't complain either. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"What do you think daddy would like for supper?" We were standing in front of the prepared meals section of the deli, Alexis was really getting a kick out of the whole chickens on rotisserie as they slowly made their rounds. "One of those?" I asked her when she pointed to the glass. "Ok," I smiled. "Mommy can make some mashed potatoes and gravy when we get home," I told her as I placed the chicken in the cart. "Oh! Maybe daddy would also like some corn?" </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Ahhh!" Alexis squealed as she turned around to see where I put the bagged chicken. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"I'll take that as a yes," I kissed the top of her head. "I love you so much." </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">We only spent a total of twenty minutes in the store from the moment we got in until we went through the cash. It was probably the fastest time I've ever had! </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">Back at the Jeep, I strapped Alexis into her car seat, loaded the groceries into the back and parked the cart in the cart return before hopping in myself. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">I was about to pull out of the parking stall when my cell phone rang. After putting the Jeep back in park, I pulled my cell out. "Hello?"</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Hello darling, how are you doing?"</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">I couldn't help but smile, every time Reed calls me, I feel like I did the first time we ever spoke on the phone. I told him that Alexis and I were about to head home, "We had to make a stop at the grocery store first though. We should be home within 15 minutes."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"That's good," he said. "So you didn't start dinner yet then?"</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"No, but we did pick up some thing for dinner. You know those chickens we've been meaning to try for a while? I got one of those and thought I could whip up some mash potatoes and gravy. What do you say? Does it sound good?"</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Yeah..." </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">I frowned, "Reed what's wrong? If you don't feel like having that, I can make something else."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"No Amber, it's not that."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Well what is it?"</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"See...the thing is..." Reed sighed. "Sean just called me up, he asked if I could go grab a bite to eat with him, he wants to talk about something. I told him I was sure that I could but I wanted to make sure that you didn't mind."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Oh."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Do you?" Reed asked. "Do you mind if I hang out with Sean for a couple hours?" He paused and like it was an afterthought, he quickly said. "I don't have too if you wanted me to come home, I'm sure he'll understand."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"It's ok Reed," I told him. "You can go hang out with Sean whenever you need too, I'm glad that you called to let me know that you wouldn't be home."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"You aren't mad?" </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">I chuckled, "I'm not mad. Alexis and I will just have ourselves a girls evening. Have fun with Sean and I'll see you when you get home."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Ok," he sounded happier now. "Love you darling."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"I love you too," I smiled into the phone before hanging up. "Well," I turned back to look at Alexis. "Looks like daddy has other plans for dinner tonight, it's just you and me."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">When we got home, after all the stuff I bought was put away, I debated calling Janie to see what she was doing but when I picked up the phone to dial her I remembered that she mentioned she was meeting Devon for dinner at the club. She didn't sound too excited about it though. When I asked her about it, she told me that she just had a lot on her mind. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">I really wish she would tell me more about what's going on with Devon but since the night that I interrupted their meal, she's been vague when it comes to him. Not that I really blame her, if she tells me how she feels, I tend to argue Devon's case and I know that's not what she wants, she wants me to be in her corner and feel her pain. I don't see the way he talks to her or treats her when I'm not around, all I know is what he tells me and what I see, all those moments point to Devon being really serious about Janie this time around. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">I don't know. Maybe she found what she's looking for from him last night. I hope so. I want her to be happy. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">For dinner, I still had the chicken. I made a sandwich for me and for Alexis, I warmed up a potato that was left over from the night before, cut it up into small pieces, with some chicken. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">It was still early when we were done our dinner, so I decided to head into town, to the mall, to kill some time. I was going with the idea to take Alexis to the small play area at the mall for a few minutes. She loved that area, she liked sliding down the slide the most out of all of it. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">To get to the play area, I had to pass by a few stores and the food court. As we were walking, I stopped short in front of the jewelry store, remembering that I had to pick up a ring of Reed's that I put in to be repaired a couple weeks ago. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">While I was waiting for the guy behind the counter to finish with the customer he was helping, Alexis and I began to look around. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">I was admiring a couple engagement rings when a lady popped out of nowhere. "Would you like to try one on?" </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"No," I started to step back as she unlocked the little door behind the rings. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Are you sure?"</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Well..." I glanced down at Alexis, she didn't say 'hurry up mom, I'm bored' so I said, "Sure, why not?" She asked me what I wanted to see and I pointed to a couple rings. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">I had tried on two that I wasn't too happy with after they were on my finger when the lady gave a little gasp. "I thought I knew who you were!" She exclaimed before starting in on a story of how her mom and my mom have been working together on some charity event for the pass ten years. "You are seeing Reed Johnson," her eyes went wide. "Are you...?" Her gaze went to my ring finger. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"No," I shook my head. "We aren't talking about marriage." It was true, we haven't talked about marriage at all. And that was a sore spot for me. I didn't think I wanted to get married yet, I know I told him that when I made all these changes in my life but now I wasn't so sure. "I'm just seeing what's out there," I told her with a smile. "If he does ask me to marry him, I want to be sure I know what I'd want in a ring!"</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Oh, I know what you mean," she launched into another story of how she had been dating her husband for a while and when he asked her to marry him, he had picked out the ugliest ring. "I had to exchange it, I couldn't wear it. It was like he didn't even know what I like and I know that's not true, I told him what I liked."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">I smiled at her but I couldn't help but think that it would be wrong to return a ring that your man picked out for you with great hopes in mind. I didn't know if I could do that to Reed, I would feel like it would send him the message that he wasn't good enough, somehow. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Do you see anything else you would like?" She asked me and then started to suggest rings for me to try on. I tried on a couple but they weren't me, so I kept looking. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"That one," I gasped as I jabbed my finger downwards a little harder than I meant too. "I think that's the one!" </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">The lady pulled out the ring I was talking about and 'ooh'ed. "Yes this one is very beautiful," she lifted it from its display and held it out to me. "Can you see your boyfriend down on one knee, holding this ring out as he asked you to marry him?"</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">I nodded, unable to speak as I stared at the ring. My hand was actually shaking when I reached for it. "Ohhh," I chuckled nervously as I slipped it onto my finger. It was perfect. It was everything I wanted it to be. I wanted to buy it and run home to give it to Reed to give to me when he felt the time was right. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"It seems like it was made for you," the lady commented. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">I couldn't do anything but stare at the ring on my finger. "How many diamonds are in this ring?" I asked as I started to count them.</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"34, plus the main stone."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Oh my."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"The front and back are set with 12 stones each and each side as five leading up to the main stone."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"And it's white gold?"</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">The lady shook her head, "No honey that ring there is Platinum, it tends to run a little more on the pricey side but it does look splendid, wouldn't you agree?"</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">I nodded and she continued. "And that ring as part of a set, the wedding band is set with 9 diamonds." She reached back to the display and pulled out the wedding band. "Try it on."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">I felt giddy as I slipped the wedding band on with the engagement ring. Seriously, there were butterflies in my tummy as I gazed down at them. "I want these," I whispered. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Well for the set it -"</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"No!" I exclaimed a little louder than I planned on, everyone in the store glanced over at us. "Sorry," I muttered before telling her that I didn't want to know how much the set was. "If Reed decides to ask me to marry him, he's the only one who needs to know how much he spent on the rings."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">The lady nodded, showing me she understood and then suggested that sign up for some kind of registry that would help insure that I get the rings I want when Reed was ready to buy them. I was thinking about that and staring at the rings on my finger when someone tapped me on the shoulder. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">I glanced over my shoulder. "Sean!" I shoved my left hand into my jacket pocket. "What are you doing here?"</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Waiting for Reed to come out of the bathroom," he made a show of looking around me and at the display case I was standing in front of. "What are <em>you</em> doing?"</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"I..." I quickly looked around the area to see what else was close by that I could say I was looking at but there wasn't anything besides more engagement rings. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Yes?" He raised a brow as he grinned knowingly. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">I spotted the man I was waiting to finish when I first came in. "Reed's ring!" I blurted out. "I was here to pick it up, it was being fixed." I started to walk away when the saleslady called out to me. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Miss Sands could I have the rings back please?"</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Rings?" Sean leaned against the counter. "What rings Amber?"</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Miss Sands?" The lady seemed to be getting a little uneasy and I couldn't blame her, I was going to walk away with a couple expensive rings on. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Right," I went back to the counter, turning my back to Sean so he couldn't see but he was tall enough to look over my shoulder as I placed the set on the counter. "Sorry." I went to get out of there but Sean grabbed my arm and held me in place as he asked the sales lady if he could check out the rings. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Wow," he let out a low whistle. "That's a piece of work alright."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Just give it back to her Sean," I tried to take it from him but he wouldn't let me. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Doing a little 'wish' list shopping are you Amber?" He handed the ring back tot he lady. "Thank you."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">I crossed my arms. "I was really here to pick up Reed's ring."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Of course," he smiled. "Where is it?" He scanned Alexis' stroller. "I don't see a jewelry bag."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"I didn't get it yet," I snapped. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Oh," he nodded. "Of course, you were distracted, I understand."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Please don't tell Reed," I begged him. "We haven't talked about marriage, I don't want him to think I'm pressuring him to make a choice."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">Sean frowned, "Pressure him? Amber you were only looking at rings, how would he see that as pressure?"</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">I shrugged, "We haven't talked about it, I don't know if he wants to marry me. I just don't want him to think he has too if he's not entertaining those thoughts."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">He started to sputtered, like he was trying to say so many things at once. I wanted to ask him what he was trying to say but Alexis alerted us to Reed's arrival by yelled out 'dada'.</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Hey," Reed came over to us with a big smile on his face. "This is a surprise," he leaned down to give Alexis a kiss. "Hello princess, are you having fun with mommy?" He laughed when Alexis giggled. "And how about you?" He straightened up and pulled me into his arms. "How are you doing my love?"</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Good," I told him before giving him a kiss on the lips. "We were going to head to the play area for a couple minutes."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Oh," Reed gazed down at Alexis. "Are you going to go down the slide?" She nodded her head. "So what are you doing here?" </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"I remembered that your ring was back," I told him. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">And Sean jumped in, "Yeah, it's all fixed."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">Reed gave him a funny look. Sean must've motioned or something because his eyes lowered to the display case behind me. "Amber...?" He didn't look happy.</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">I gave him a kiss on the cheek. "Well we better get going if Alexis is going to slide. It's getting late." I quickly started to make my way out of the store. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">I had gotten about one store lenght when Reed fell into step beside me, "You were looking at engagement rings?"</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Yes...no...well maybe."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Well which is it?"</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">I sighed and stopped walking. Turning to him, I told him that I ended up looking at engagement rings instead of picking up his ring, which I really did go in there for. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Oh," was all he said. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"I can't help it," I told him. "I've been thinking about it lately and the rings were there and so I looked." He nodded. "I didn't think you or Sean were close, I didn't think I would get 'caught' checking them out either."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"You want an engagement ring?"</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Yes...no...I..." He frowned. "Damn! I love you and yes, I've been thinking about our future and whether or not we'll get married. I can't help it! But you haven't said anything and we haven't talked about it so I didn't want to say anything. I didn't want you to know that I was looking at them, I asked Sean not to say anything."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">He rubbed his forehead with his fingers before asking me, "Why?" as Sean called out to him. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"I didn't want you to think that you have to ask me. I don't want you to feel pressured to make that move if you didn't want too."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">He stared down at me and for once, I couldn't read his expression, I didn't know if he was mad or relieved. Sean called out to him again, he glanced over his shoulder briefly. "I have to go," he told me. "Sean needed to do some stuff here and then we were going to go out for a drink."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">I nodded and mumbled something about Alexis and the slide. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">Reed kissed Alexis and me before he turned to meet up with Sean again. He had gotten about five feet away from me when he turned back and said, "Oh Amber? Don't worry, I don't feel pressure to do anything."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">'<em>I don't feel pressure to do anything.'</em> What the hell does that mean? I've been trying to figure that out all night but I went to bed no wiser. Reed came home later than I expected him too, he was a little drunk, which I didn't expect either.</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">I don't know what to think anymore. </span>Amberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08982091544424394335noreply@blogger.com16tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-795425709912183156.post-9141708454738009792007-10-15T14:02:00.000-06:002007-10-15T15:12:24.372-06:00It Should Be A Good Thing!<span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3366ff;">I was sitting in the middle of DWs last night with Cary, debating whether or not we were going to play a game of pool or just sit and hang out when my cell phone rang. "It's Devon," I told him after looking at the caller id before flipping my phone open. </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3366ff;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3366ff;">The waitress came by to see if we needed anything else as I said 'hello', Cary asked for another drink for the both of us. </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3366ff;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3366ff;">"I take it that was Cary," was the first thing Devon said to me. </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3366ff;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3366ff;">"Wow, it's nice to hear your voice too," I replied sarcastically. </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3366ff;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3366ff;">Devon ignored it. "I had hoped that you would be free to come join me for a few hours now that I'm home but I guess there's no chance of that now."</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3366ff;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3366ff;">I wanted to join him but I'll be damned if the way he said that made me angry. "Well would you blame me?" I asked him. "It's not like you are making it sound like you really want me there."</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3366ff;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3366ff;">The waitress bought our drinks, which surprised me, I had forgotten that Cary was sitting across from me. My stomach turned when I looked up to find him staring at me, with a smile on his face. </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3366ff;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3366ff;">I didn't want him to be smiling! I wanted him to mind his own business. And yes, I did want to see Devon but damn it! I'm stubborn!</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3366ff;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3366ff;">"Why don't you come down here?" I challenged him. </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3366ff;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3366ff;">"Hell no!" He snapped. "I'm not in the mood to see that little pissant or to watch you flirt with him. I'm tired and I want to relax in my own home, with my girl. Do you think that's possible?"</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3366ff;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3366ff;">"Not with the way you are talking to me, it's not." Inside I was singing from hearing him say I was his girl.</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3366ff;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3366ff;">"Janie," he groaned. "Please come over."</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3366ff;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3366ff;">"I just got a new drink," I told him. "It would be rude for me to leave it without attempting to drink it." I really didn't care about the drink but those words were ones I heard from him a number of times when we had dated before.</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3366ff;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="color:#3366ff;"><span style="font-size:130%;">"Fine," he sighed. "I'm going to bed." <em>Click.</em></span></span></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3366ff;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3366ff;">"Fucker," I snapped my phone closed. </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3366ff;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3366ff;">"Something wrong?" Cary sounded concerned but the look in his eyes didn't match his voice. </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3366ff;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3366ff;">"No," I grabbed my purse. "I have to go," I told him as I slipped out of the booth we've been occupying for the last couple hours. </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3366ff;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3366ff;">"<em>Have</em> to?" He stood with me. "Devon demanding you leave at once and glue yourself to his side?"</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3366ff;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3366ff;">"No!" I glared at him. "Devon doesn't tell me what to do! I want to go, it's getting late and I have to work in the morning."</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3366ff;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3366ff;">Cary glanced at his watch. "It's only nine Janie."</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3366ff;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3366ff;">"I know," I told him. "Just don't ask, I want to go home."</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3366ff;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3366ff;">"Ok," he grabbed my jacket and held it up for me to slip into. "If you ever need to talk," he said as he helped me into my jacket. "Just give me a call, I'll listen."</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3366ff;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3366ff;">"Things are fine Cary," I flashed him a smile. </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3366ff;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3366ff;">"Are they really?" He slipped his jacket on as I nodded. "Ok," he motioned towards the front. "If you say so but I have to tell you, I'm starting to wonder because you spend an awful lot of time with me."</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3366ff;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3366ff;">I didn't say anything to that, I knew it was true, I have been spending a lot of time with him. I hate to admit it but I was doing it because he was doing something Devon wasn't, he was paying attention to me, showing me that he really liked spending time with me. </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3366ff;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3366ff;">I left DW's last night with the plan to go straight home but once I got on the road, I found myself driving to Devon's place. </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3366ff;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3366ff;">The whole time it took me to drive to his place and walk to his front door, I rehearsed what I would say to him. </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3366ff;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3366ff;">But ten minutes later, I wanted to scream and cry because I was still standing on his door step waiting for him to answer his door. He never came to the door, he didn't answer his phone when I called him either. </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3366ff;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3366ff;">And his car was sitting in front of the building. </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3366ff;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3366ff;">I cried myself to sleep last night. I told myself that I deserved it if he was snuggling up with another woman already, I certainly wasn't giving him an signs that he would be snuggling up to me anytime soon. </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3366ff;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3366ff;">I know everyone thinks I'm nuts for my behaviour when it comes to Devon but damn it let's face it, he's never been faithful to a woman in his entire life and he hasn't lowered that wall around his heart to let me in enough to feel that I really mean something to him. </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3366ff;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3366ff;">I don't want to play this game with him. I don't want to be hurt again. I know I'm holding him at arm's lenght and waiting for him to show me a reason not too is probably getting in the way of whatever happiness I could have with him. </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3366ff;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3366ff;">I'm scared....oh...hold on a second, I have a delivery.</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3366ff;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3366ff;">OH MY FREAKING GOD! You all should see the bouquet of flowers I have sitting on my desk at the moment! OH MY GOD!</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3366ff;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3366ff;">Yes, I'm at work, it was a boring day so I decided to post here to kill some time. </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3366ff;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3366ff;">The flowers, I love them. I was going to call Devon to tell him I loved them but Joey stopped me, she found the card that came with them. "You didn't see Devon last night, did you?" She's my closest friend at work, I told her about my night when I came in this morning.</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3366ff;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3366ff;">"No, why?"</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3366ff;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="color:#3366ff;"><span style="font-size:130%;">"I don't think you want to be calling him then," she cleared her throat and read the card. <em>"Thank you for last night."</em></span></span></span><br /><em><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3366ff;"></span></em><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3366ff;">"What??" I ripped the card from her hands. "Noway, these have to be from Devon! Cary wouldn't..." I read the words and my heart dropped. "No," I sunk back into my chair. "What have I done?"</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3366ff;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3366ff;">Joey has gone out to run an errand and I just spent the last couple minutes staring at the beautiful bouquet of white & pink roses, nestled in a bed of baby's breath and mauve lilacs. I wanted so badly for these flowers to be from Devon, I went online to look up the meanings of all of them. </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3366ff;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3366ff;">Let's just say, according to the site I looked at...I think Joey is right, Devon couldn't have sent them....</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3366ff;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3366ff;">Roses - white & pink....<em>I love you still and always will</em>...</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="color:#3366ff;"><span style="font-size:130%;">Lilac, mauve...<em>do you still love me?</em></span></span></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="color:#3366ff;"><span style="font-size:130%;">Baby's Breath...<em>happiness</em></span></span></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3366ff;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3366ff;">Damn it! damn it! DAMN IT!</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3366ff;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3366ff;">I think I'm in trouble here.</span>Janiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04368139616467672759noreply@blogger.com17tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-795425709912183156.post-14643790305647787542007-10-14T08:04:00.001-06:002007-10-14T09:49:02.684-06:00Just Going Along<span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3333ff;">My week started out pretty good, with a holiday. There's nothing wrong with having a long weekend, I love it when I have three days off but, is it just me, or does a four day work week seem to drag out much more than a normal 5 day week?</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3333ff;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3333ff;">I wasn't planning on doing anything for Thanksgiving, my mom hasn't been in the mood for holidays since my dad left, so I figured that I would just ignore the day; not that sitting at home watching my mom get drunk and go off on how much my dad ruined her life - how she gave up everything for him and he never gave her a damn thing - was exactly the most exciting thing in the world to do. </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3333ff;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3333ff;">Amber had invited me to join in her Thanksgiving with Reed's and Sean's family but seriously? Who wanted to be there for that? I didn't see it going well at all, it couldn't, they were family and doing something with family was the best way to ruin a holiday. I have to say, I admire Amber for taking all that on, hosting Thanksgiving for your man's newly discovered brother? Wouldn't be me, that's all I have to say. And while I think she was crazy for doing it, I understand that she wanted too so that Sean wouldn't feel like he didn't belong, so he wouldn't leave. </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3333ff;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3333ff;">I also had another invitation, Cary invited me to go to his grandparents for Thanksgiving with his family. I told him that it would be uncomfortable considering that we weren't together anymore and they all knew how I cheated on him with Devon while we were engaged. </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3333ff;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3333ff;">"It doesn't matter," he tried really hard to convince me of that but in the end, I declined. He asked me if I was sure. "I don't want you to spend Thanksgiving alone," he told me. When I told him I wouldn't be alone, that mom would be there, he just gave me this look that spoke volumes. </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3333ff;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3333ff;">Devon had mentioned something about his family's yearly reservation at the club Sunday night when I saw him but he never outright asked me to be there. Hell, he didn't even hint that he wanted me there. With things a little stained between us, I wasn't about to assume that he wanted me to be there. </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3333ff;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3333ff;">Monday morning, I was seated at my kitchen table, bored out of my skull. I didn't think not doing anything for Thanksgiving would get to me but as I sat there with a tub of Smartie Ice Cream in front of my and a big spoon in my hand, I really wanted to cry. </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3333ff;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3333ff;">"I'm very thankful to you Nestle," I said bleakly as I scooped out a spoonful and held it up to my mouth. "Screw eating them last; I eat the red ones with a lot of ice cream."</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3333ff;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3333ff;">I was on my third spoonful when I heard a <em>thump</em> from upstairs, but I didn't even bother to check it out, mom was sleeping off another 'headache'. </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3333ff;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3333ff;">"Who needs turkey when you have a tub of ice cream to keep you company?" I wondered out loud. "And it's a lot cheaper too!" </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3333ff;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3333ff;">Ok, so I was miserable. I wanted to call Amber up to tell her that I would be over, if the offer still stood. Hell, I was even thinking that it wouldn't be too late to call Cary and see if I could tag along with him. I was damned if I was going to call Devon. </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3333ff;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3333ff;">By the fifth spoonful, I stared down at the ice cream and sighed, <em>might as well get fat.</em> I was about to dig in for the sixth spoonful when a knock sounded at the door. I was going to ignore it because I wasn't expecting anyone but the knocking continued. </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3333ff;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3333ff;">I made my way through the living room to the front door. "What?" I snapped as I flung the door open. </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3333ff;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3333ff;">"Hey there ba - why aren't you ready?" Devon looked horrified as his eyes travelled down over my old pj pants and ratty t-shirt. "You can't go to the club looking like that!"</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3333ff;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3333ff;">"I'm not going to the club," I told him. "So what does it matter what I wear?"</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3333ff;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3333ff;">"Janie!" I had turned away from him, he closed the door and followed me back to the kitchen where I picked up my spoon again. "What are you doing? You are going to ruin your appetite," he took the spoon from me. "Look, just go upstairs, shower, change, whatever you have to do. It's getting late, we have to be there in a half hour."</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3333ff;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3333ff;">"I don't have to be anywhere," I yanked the spoon from him. "I wasn't invited."</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3333ff;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3333ff;">"Weren't invit...Janie! I told you last night we were going to the club with my parents." He pulled out a chair and sat down. "Come on baby don't do this today, please?"</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3333ff;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3333ff;">I was feeling very defiant but I was also feeling a little alone and depressed from sitting there by myself. "Ok," I handed him back the spoon. "I'll go but you really have to work on your 'invitations' because <em>telling</em> me that your parents are having dinner at the club like they always do it a hell of a lot different than <em>asking</em> me if I would like to join your family for Thanksgiving."</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3333ff;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3333ff;">I didn't give him a chance to say anything, I was on my way towards the stairs. "Oh," I turned to him. "Don't eat all my ice cream while I'm in the shower."</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3333ff;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3333ff;">We arrived at the club a little later than he wanted too. "Come on," he motioned to me as he spotted his parents in the busy restaurant. </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3333ff;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3333ff;">He started to walk on but I stopped, I hadn't been to the club that much, I was feeling a little nervous about walking in there. "Devon," I called after him. "Please wait a minute."</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3333ff;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3333ff;">"We're late," he told me but he did stop. </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3333ff;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3333ff;">"I know," I told him as I stared up into his handsome face. "How do I look?"</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3333ff;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3333ff;">His lips turned up into a slight grin as his eyes trailed down over the baby blue satin dress that clung to every curve of my body. "You look good," he told me when his eyes came back up. Well up as far as my breasts anyway. "Come let's go." He started on his way once again but stopped when he realized that I wasn't following. "What's wrong now?"</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3333ff;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3333ff;">"Nothing," I started forward. "I guess it's too much to ask that you pretend you want to be here with me."</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3333ff;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3333ff;">"What is that supposed to mean?" His hand circled around my arm, preventing me from going any further. </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3333ff;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3333ff;">"I mean," I glanced over my shoulder at him. "You didn't ask me to come with you, you expected I would. When I get ready in the shortest time possible, you didn't even saw anything about how I looked. We get here and you don't even wait for me, you run ahead as if you are ashamed to be seen with me. Is this how it's always going to be Devon?"</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3333ff;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3333ff;">"I don't know what you are talking about," he said defensively. "You wouldn't be here if I didn't want you to be. What more do you want from me?"</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3333ff;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3333ff;">I stepped back from him, "What more do I want from you?" I shook my head. "I don't want anything more than you want to give me Devon."</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3333ff;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3333ff;">He stared down at me for a moment before asking, "What does that mean?"</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3333ff;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3333ff;">"Everyone tells me that you love me but yet every time you get a chance to show me, you don't." I gazed off over the heads of all the people in the dining room before turning to him once again. "I want you to love me Devon, I don't want to have any more of these lingering doubts," I offered him my hand. "Is that too much to ask for?"</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3333ff;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3333ff;">He didn't say a word as he took my hand and tucked it into the crook of his arm. </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3333ff;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3333ff;">I wish I could say that he started to show me now much he loved me after that but dinner went off without any sign of love from him than he's already done. His parents were great, they were happy to see me and excited about the fact that we were back together but inside I was hurting. </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3333ff;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3333ff;">I haven't seen Devon at all since Monday, he had business out of town that kept him away. He did call me every night, to talk but we didn't seem to really talk about the main issue, we skated around it. I guess I didn't want to get into it over the phone, and maybe he didn't either. He is supposed to be getting back into town later today and he wanted to meet up with me but in true Devon style, he waited until the last minute to tell me; I had already made plans with Cary. </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3333ff;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3333ff;">Which pissed Devon off. </span>Janiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04368139616467672759noreply@blogger.com17tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-795425709912183156.post-59355572156805721032007-10-11T14:12:00.000-06:002007-10-11T15:28:47.236-06:00Busy Weekend - Part Two<span style="font-size:130%;">From the time we left the restaurant Saturday afternoon up until Sunday afternoon, Sean had called me about twenty time or more, thanking me for being so thoughtful. "I never had anyone do something this big for me before," he told me repeatedly. "I can't thank you enough, you have no idea how much I really needed to see them."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">I would tell him that it wasn't me he should be thanking, it was his sister Gina, she was the one who called me and asked me to help her plan this. "She's really the one you should be talking too."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"You know, she downplayed her part in all this when I spoke to her too." Sean laughed, "Whoever did it, I'm really grateful that they did."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">Now if you all noticed, I said until Sunday afternoon. That's because Sunday afternoon was the moment his family decided to come over to help me with some prep before Monday's meal. Prep I didn't even know I was going to be doing, or should I say, baking I didn't know I was going to be doing. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">By the time Sunday night rolled around, I had so many pies, rolls and other baked goods in my house, I thought I was opening a bakery! </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">Reed loved it! He couldn't help but commenting on the yummy aroma from all the baked goods and he tried to sweet talk me into letting him sample bits of all of it. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">I was grumpy, after pretty much being told I didn't have enough food planned for this meal, having my menu changed completely and even the way I planned on serving it changed, I just wanted to get it over with. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">So when he made those comments, I cracked, I told him if he wanted fresh baked goods all the time the he was living with the wrong girl. "I work," I snapped. "I don't have time to waste in the kitchen! We have a daughter who demands all the time that working and being with you doesn't occupy!"</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Hey!" He grabbed hold of my hands, pulling me down on the couch next to him. "Darling you need to relax, I'm not asking you to start baking all the time, I just said it smelt good in here and wanted to know if I could have something now."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"I'm sorry," I snuggled up to him, burying my face against his chest. "I just want everything to be perfect for your brother but I spent most of the day being told it wasn't good enough."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Amber," he kissed the top of my head. "That's not what I heard," when I looked up at him he said it wasn't. "I heard them say that these other things were stuff they always have. Don't think of it as them saying what you have isn't enough but as them trying to do the same thing you are, trying to make this Thanksgiving perfect for everyone."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">I know what he was saying was right but still it hurt to have someone come in at the last minute and change things on me. Maybe I was just too controlling. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">Or maybe Sean's family wasn't going to fit in with us that easily. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">Then again, I could be too emotional. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">I mean, why else would I have actually been the one to ruin the Thanksgiving that I worked so hard to make wonderful? </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">That's right, I said me...I'm the one who made the big scene this year. I'm the one who made Sean's family feel uncomfortable. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">And it all started of so innocently with Alexis standing at the door watching Reed and the other men outside while all of the women were in the kitchen getting dinner ready. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Dadadadadada!" She started off with just 'dada' but it didn't get any response, so she changed to a steady stream of it and it got louder and louder the longer she stood there. "Dadadadadadada!"</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">The women in Sean's family tried to get her attention, showing her different toys as they tempted to lure her away from the door but she didn't want them or the toys they offered, she wanted to be outside with her dad. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">I didn't blame her, I wanted to be outside with him too. It had been a long week and we barely seen him, so we were both missing him. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Just plop her down with some toys, or a video," Gertie told me after five minutes of Alexis calling out to Reed. "She'll soon lose interest."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">Lynn told me that I should give Alexis some little task to do for dinner, "that will keep her from interrupting the men."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">Not wanting to be rude, I did what both of them suggested but each time Alexis went back to the door and started her 'dadadadadada' call all over again. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">Every five seconds it seemed that someone was calling out to her, trying to get her away from the door. At least Sean's family was, my mother and Reed's mother, who weren't really doing much to help with dinner were saying that it was normal for Alexis to want to spent time with her dad. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Alexis," I called out to her and she turned to me. "Come see mommy." I knelt down and she came running over to me, her little face screwed up as she huffed at me while pointing to the door, "Dada."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Just give her some of this," I turned to see Gertie holding out a cookie which Alexis batted away when I tried to give it to her. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Dada!" She wiggled in my arms and cried while staring at the closed door. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Maybe she needs a nap," Lynn suggested. </span><br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">It was getting too much for me, Alexis' calling out, everyone throwing their two cents in on the matter, I had enough. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"No," I scooped Alexis off the floor. "She wants to be outside playing with her daddy." Amid protests of sending Alexis outside, I dressed her for just that. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">I left the grumbling behind as I opened the door and walked through it. Alexis was grinning so happily as the cool air hit her face, "Dada!" She exclaimed, almost bouncing in my arms. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">Off in the distance, down by the lake, Reed was running around playing some kind of game with Sean, Landon and Dwight. My father, Roger, Mack and Tom were all seated around the patio table having a drink and shooting the breeze. When they saw me come out, Mack asked me if dinner was ready. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"No," I smiled at him. "Alexis just wanted to come outside to be with Reed." I started off towards the gate that separated the house from the lake when I heard him make some comment about watching children being the woman's job. "Excuse me?" I had hoped I didn't hear him right. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"My poor ol' mum, God rest her soul, would have ten underfoot and still turned out amazing meals all the time. She didn't complain once." </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">I raised a brow as I looked around the table - Tom was nodding his head in agreement but my father and Roger weren't saying anything. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"It's a shame," Mack said to the other men. "That young people today don't know what's right and what's wrong."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Excuse me?" I shifted Alexis onto my hip and stared down at him. I must have spoken a little louder than I thought because the house door opened and everyone seemed to be watching - except for the guys down on the beach, who couldn't hear us. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"I'm just saying that's all."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"You are just saying what?" I asked him as I heard my mother say my name. "No mom, I really want to hear what he has to say."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Well little lady, I'm just saying that a woman's role is to cook and clean and look after the youngsters."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"And the man's role is what?"</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Why to provide for that family!"</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Oh!" I looked down at Alexis, who was struggling to get down. "Well around here, if my daughter wants to play with her dad then she's doing just that! He helped make her, and he can damn well do his part to make sure she's happy!" I stomped off, knowing that I probably shouldn't have said that but who were they to tell me that Alexis wasn't allowed to play with Reed?</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">I made a beeline straight for Reed when I got to the beach, he seemed a little surprised to see us. "Hello my love," he gave me a big smile which started to falter as he came closer. "What's wrong?" He put his hands on my arms, looking into my eyes, searching for an answer. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Alexis wanted to play," I told him. "But everyone thinks I'm a bad mother because I'm bringing her down here to you instead of watching her myself." Reed took Alexis from me and asked me what I was talking about. Sniffing, I told him about the last few moments, "They think I'm a bad mother Reed." He pulled me close and I continued. "I just wanted everything to be perfect and I ruined it!"</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Darling you didn't ruin it," Reed kissed the top of my head. "If Alexis wants to come play out here, it's fine, you know I love spending time with her."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"But Sean's family..." I groaned, "He's not going to be happy when he finds out I was rude."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"You weren't rude," I heard Sean say but I was too ashamed to look at him. "My family are a little backwards in some of their thinking, I know they didn't mean to insult you Amber."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"I'm sorry," I turned to him. "I didn't mean to snap at them."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">Sean shrugged, "Don't worry about it, it'll be forgotten in a moment." He gave me a one armed hug and told me once again how happy he was. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">I went back to the house but I still felt like crap, I tried to apologize for my behaviour but Sean was right, his family had already moved past it. His mother told me not to worry about it, that Mack never did think before he spoke. "We don't always stop to think that there are some people in this world who live by a different set of rules," she squeezed my hand. "It doesn't mean we are wrong, or right, it just means that we are different. And if that young man of yours is happy and you are happy, then that's all that should matter."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">Ok, so maybe I didn't totally ruin Thanksgiving but for a moment, it felt like I did. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">Overall I guess you should say everything turned out alright. We eat, talked and laughed all through dinner and a couple hours afterwards. Everyone said they had a great time and hoped that we could do it again soon. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">Some one suggested getting together for Christmas...</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">...I think as long as someone else was holding it, I was all for it.</span>Amberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08982091544424394335noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-795425709912183156.post-86689410105391487142007-10-09T03:50:00.000-06:002007-10-09T05:52:51.318-06:00Busy Weekend - Part One<span style="font-size:130%;">As I told you all last week, I invited all of Sean's family down for Thanksgiving - partly so we could meet them but mainly so Sean wouldn't feel so miserable here when the only family he has known were hours away celebrating without him. I wanted this to be a surprise for Sean, so I didn't tell anyone besides Reed about my plans and he thought it was a good idea not too. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">Well, maybe I should've told them, then maybe they wouldn't have been so upset when they found out that his family was in town. And maybe they wouldn't have been so mad at me for 'trying to control things and making decisions about the family when I had no right to do so'. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">Sorry! I thought their son's happiness was the most important thing in all this and Sean wanted to see his family!</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">Friday night I got a call from Sean's sister Gina, she called to say that her parents, Rae and Dwight, and Landon and her were all checked into the hotel. "I just want to thank you," she told me at the end of the call. "I know my brother will be so happy when he sees us all again!" She went on to tell me that Mack, Lynn and Bonnie were coming too. "I don't know when they were going to check in but mom did say that they were going to be here tonight."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">I didn't hear from Mack until the next morning; they were late getting in but they were here now and that's all that mattered. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">We had made plans before they came here that we would all get together for lunch on Saturday so that we could meet everyone and Sean would know that his family hadn't forgotten about him like he thought they had. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">The only problem was, breaking the news to Lucinda, Roger and Madeline. Let's just say they weren't too happy that we were setting them up to meet Sean's family without warning. There were complaints about our methods, where we planned to go for lunch and the fact that we planned on having Thanksgiving dinner at our place instead of the club, where they've been having dinner for years. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">It was so bad, their reaction, I was actually in tears and had to leave the room. Reed stayed behind, his voice carried as he told his family to stop being so selfish. "This is Sean's first Thanksgiving with us, he misses his family and Amber was only trying to make him feel more at home here. Do you think that he's used to going to the club for a 'family dinner'? No! He's used to his mother -"</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"She's not his mother!" I heard Lucinda exclaimed. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"She is his mother!" Reed told her. "She's the only one he never knew and he's used to her <em>cooking</em> dinner, not ordering it from a menu!"</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Why is Amber trying to hurt us?"</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">Reed groaned, "She's not trying to hurt you mom, she's trying to make Sean feel like he belongs and if bringing his family here, meeting them, and cooking dinner from scratch is what makes him feel like he belongs, then that's what she's determined to do! And I stand behind her 100%!"</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">In the end, we all went to the restaurant in the hotel where they were all staying. I thought it would be best if we met with them for a few minutes before Sean got there so we could get to know them a little and it wouldn't be so awkward for him. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">I guess I was being naive, thinking that it would go smoothly. It wasn't completely horrible but you could see the judgement on Reed's families faces the moment they spotted Sean's family. Then again, I guess they didn't realize just how different Sean's upbringing was, that 'dressed up' for them (the men anyway) was their favorite cowboy boots and hat with a pair of jeans and a dress shirt not a pressed shirt and tie with a pair of dress pants. That wasn't the only difference but it was the first one that we noticed when we walked into the restaurant. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">And I have to say, I was very disappointed when I heard Madeline mutter, "Oh my Lord, they are a bunch of hicks!" </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Madeline!" I gave her a dirty look, I didn't care for one moment that she was the head of Reed's family, with that attitude she would alienate her oldest grandson and I didn't want that to happen, I wanted Sean to be at home with us because of Reed. "Come on honey," I smiled up at Reed as I slipped my hand in his. "Let's go meet our new family." Sean's family hadn't noticed our arrival at the restaurant, so they didn't see the judgemental looks in every one's eyes when they saw them, which I was very grateful for. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">As Reed and I made our way over to their table, one of the older men looked up, smiled brightly and then slowly the smile disappeared. At first I didn't realize why but as we reached the table, he stood up and with his eyes on Reed, he introduced himself as Mack. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"For a moment there I thought you were my boy!" He laughed as he stared at Reed. "Sean said you guys looked alike but hotdamn! you could be his twin!" He pulled Reed into a big bear hug, "Good to meet you," he said when he released him and turned his attention to me. "You have to be Amber," he said. I nodded and he went right to Alexis, who was staring at him with an amused look on her face. "Oh aren't you a pretty little thing!" He took Alexis from me, "Come give Papaw Mack some sugar!" Alexis let out little squeals of laughter as Mack rubbed his whiskers against her soft cheek.</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Mack where are your manners?" The lady who was sitting beside him when we came in was not standing, looking at us as she held out her hand. "You'll have to forgive my husband, he just loves them babies. I'm Lynn," she smiled and then introduced us to her daughter Bonnie before pointing out Sean's mother. "Gertie will take it from here."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">Gertie introduced her family and then I introduced Reed's family to all of them. About ten minutes had passed from the time we walked in until that moment and we only had about twenty more to use to get to know each other better before Sean was supposed to arrive. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">And I'll be damned if the little bugger didn't show up ten minutes early!<br /></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"No shit!" I heard Reed muttered as he poked me in the side and pointed to the doorway where Sean was talking to one of the waitresses. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"I'll be right back," I jumped up and hightailed it over to the front counter, happy that we were seated near the back where he couldn't see us right away. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"I'm sorry sir," the waitress was saying. "We didn't have a table for 6 for this time, are you sure it was today?"</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Yes, my sister in law said that -"</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Hey Sean!" I gave him a hug and the waitress slipped away. "I'm so glad you could make it but you are <em>way</em> early!"</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"How early could I be," he asked. "If you are already here?"</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">I ignored that one. "Come on," I took his hand. "Close your eyes and -"</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"I'm not closing my eyes Amber, I would look a little silly walking through a restaurant like that."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Oh come on," I smiled up at him. "You'll be my favorite brother in law if you do it."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">Sean laughed, "I'm your <em>only </em>brother in law, so that won't work."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"True," I laughed. "But that doesn't mean that you have to be my favorite." </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">He thought about that for a moment and just when it looked like he was going to argue with me, he closed his eyes. "This doesn't mean that I don't feel like a moron," he told me as we started towards the back of the room. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">Sean was completely shocked when I finally let him open his eyes again; he looked like a kid who had gotten everything he wanted for Christmas, when he saw his family seated around the table. "Mom, dad!" Mack and Gertie both got up and met him halfway; it was so good to see how excited they all were to see each other again. "This is..." he seemed to be at a lost for words as he went around the table, hugging every single one of his family members. "I can't believe you are all here," he said finally. "Why didn't you tell me you were coming? I thought you all had plans..."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">Gina laughed through her tears; it had been a few months since she had seen him. "We made plans to come see you," she looked at me. "With Amber's help."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"You did this?" He spun around to face me, his expression unreadable as he stared at me. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"Yes," I nodded. "Reed and I wanted to do this for you, we wanted you to be happy."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">He shifted from one foot to the other as he looked back and forth between Reed and me. "You have no idea..." his voice broke. "Thank you," he pulled both of us into his arms, almost squeezing the life out of me. "You two are amazing."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">I was pleasantly surprised how well lunch went after that considering the differences between the two families but having Sean there, talking about him, his past, how he grew up and what he's doing now, seemed to bridge the gap more than anything else could have. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">I was starting to think that Thanksgiving dinner with both families wouldn't be as bad as I thought it would be...</span>Amberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08982091544424394335noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-795425709912183156.post-44359728755944171362007-10-08T04:05:00.000-06:002007-10-14T09:49:56.912-06:00Don't Speak - You Just Confuse Me<span style="color:#3366ff;"><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">At first I was really upset that Amber took it upon herself to show up at the restaurant where I was having dinner with Devon. I mean, there I was ready to tell him that it wasn't working and they walk up as if it was a surprise to find us there. </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">I guess for Reed it was a surprise, he was expecting to have a romantic dinner with his girlfriend and she was more interested in interrupting our dinner; I can't believe that he didn't lose it on her when he realized what was going on but I have to give him credit, he's really good at hiding his anger some times. </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">I was mad at Amber, I was going to excuse myself and pull her to the washroom to let her have it but before I could do that, I noticed something. </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">Devon's attitude towards me totally changed when they joined us; no longer was he stiff and cold to me! No, he had moved his chair closer to mine, wrapped his arm around the back of my chair, smiling and laughing along with them. </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">I was confused. My first thought was that he was putting on a show for Amber! I have to tell you now, if I ever hated my best friend, that was the moment. I sat there in my chair, with his arm around me and I wanted nothing more to reach across the table and tell Amber to go the hell home because Devon was mine. </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">That's right people! I was extremely jealous! How could he have a thing for my best friend? His best friend's true love? </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">And how could I have been so blind not to have seen it?</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">I'm not sure how long I sat there, fuming, thinking about every single moment that Devon showed me some real attention lately; it all seemed to be when we were with Amber. I felt so stupid, humiliated even. I wanted to throw my drink in his face and storm out of the restaurant, telling him that he could try all he wants but he would never have her. </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">But then I remembered the night he 'kidnapped' me and brought me to the house he was working on for Kelly; Amber wasn't there that night but he was acting like he did at the restaurant. </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">I was confused, I thought it was all because of Amber but there were a couple other times that he acted loving towards me and she wasn't there. </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">I turned to him, he smiled at me before turning his attention to Reed, who was telling some story about Alexis; I gave Reed my attention too. At the end of his story, he turned and gave Amber a kiss on the temple, like he had done a million times before, it was sweet and I know Amber loved it. I was in the middle of thinking 'why doesn't Devon do little things like that?' when he shifted beside me. </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">"Have I told you how wonderful you look tonight?" </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">His whisper at my ear surprised me to say the least, it had been a while since he was that close to me or said something like that to me. "No," I glanced up at him. "You haven't told me that."</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">"No?" He frowned slightly. "What was I thinking?" He lowered his head, his lips brushing against my cheek. "Janie..."</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">I waited but he didn't say anything. "Thanks Devon," I turned back to Amber and Reed. </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">Devon sighed, his breath caressed my cheek and goosebumps appeared on my arms. "There isn't a single word to adequately describe how amazing you look Janie."</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">Without turning to him, I raised a brow; he grunted his disapproval when I didn't look at him. I thought he was going to move away but he didn't, he pressed his lips against my neck; I had to bite my lip to keep from responding vocally to his kiss but he knew just what his touch did to me, his satisfied chuckle told me that. </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">An hour and a half later, I excused myself and motioned for Amber to join me. This part Amber didn't tell you about, maybe she didn't think it was important, or maybe she thought it was better if I explained it, I don't think she ever understood what I was talking about. </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">"Ok," I said the second the door closed behind us. "Is it just me or is something strange going on here tonight?"</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">"What are you talking about?" Amber disappeared into one of the stalls and closed the door; I walked into the one next to her. </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">"You didn't notice it?"</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">"Notice what Janie? How much Devon is hanging off you? Or the whispering he's doing in your ear? Or oh! The kisses he gives you?" She chuckled, "No I didn't notice those at all."</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">"That's exactly what I'm talking about!" I exclaimed. "All of that! Did you notice anything about them?"</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">"Ummm..." she hesitated, "...he seems to really be into you?"</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">I groaned. </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">"Well he did!" </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">"Yeah!" I scoffed. "Only <em>after</em> Reed kissed, touched, or whispered to you did Devon do any of that!"</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">"Oh my God Janie!" Amber laughed, flushed her toilet and walked out of her stall. "Hurry up because I have to see if you are being serious or not!"</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">A few moments later, I walked out of my stall and joined her at the sinks. "I'm serious Amber, the only time Devon did any of those things, was after Reed did." </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">"Janie..." Amber was shaking her head. "He loves you, he told me that."</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">Pulling my chap stick out of my purse, I popped the cap off. "Well he has a funny way of showing it! He's never that touchy feely when you guys aren't around!"</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">Amber told me I was being paranoid but when we returned to the table, I took notice, and again every thing Reed made a move towards Amber, Devon would wait a couple minutes and then kiss me. </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">We've gone out since that night, he was back to not being that touchy feely anymore. </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">I don't know what to think of it. I don't think I'm seeing things just because I want there to be some explanation of his behaviour. I think that he's doing it because Reed does, only I can't figure out if it's because he thinks he has to put on airs in front of our friends or if he's just taking his cues from Reed as to what he should be doing. </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">Could this be an act?</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">Or could Devon not be sure how to treat me now that he says he loves me?</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">I know I'm reaching here; chances are that he's just not that into me and it's all just for show. </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">But then why would he claim love and devotion to Amber and Reed? </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">Why the hell do men have to be so complicated? Why can't he just tell me what he's thinking? </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">Is he trying to drive me insane?</span></span>Janiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04368139616467672759noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-795425709912183156.post-50022492746766984532007-10-04T09:50:00.000-06:002007-10-04T10:45:49.328-06:00So Many Plans, Why Did I Say 'Yes'?<span style="font-size:130%;">Reed told me a long time ago to stop butting into every one's affairs but I'll be damned if I didn't do it again; this time though, I think Janie might get really mad at me because of it. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">See, the other night when I went out with Janie, she told me that she was ready to give up on Devon and I tried to talk her out of it but she still seemed more likely to give up on him than to talk to him about what was bugging her. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">I know, I know! She did say she would talk to him and she has been thinking about what she really wants from him but...I don't know, I guess I figured I could help her. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">Yes, I do read all her posts and I know she'll end up reading this one but I just had to tell someone what I did.</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">It's not like it was earth changing but it was meddling. I want to say that I'm only trying to help her like she thought she was helping me when she deleted Reed's emails from my account but would that be seen as me just 'getting' back at her? God I hope not! That's not that I was trying to do, I just wanted to help. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">And I didn't think that she, from what she told me before she was to meet Devon last night, was ready to really talk to him; she seemed to be little upset and I didn't want things to end without her giving it her best shot. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">I know she loves him and I know he loves her! None of you see the way he is when he's thinking about her; no one hears the feelings in his voice when he's talking about her. I just wish that he was able to say all the things he says to Reed and to me, to her! I don't know why he holds back when she's right in front of him!</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">He says that his life would be empty without her, he tells us that she makes him want to be the 'good' guy, they man he believes she deserves to spend the rest of her life with! </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">I don't think he's just talking out of his butt here! I really don't!</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">Which lead me to drag Reed out to the restaurant Janie and Devon went too and butt in on their night! </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">I know! It was horrible for me to do that! Reed got mad at me when we got home, after I told him why I wanted to go there, he asked me to promise him that I would <em>never</em> do that again. "Amber they have to make their own mistakes! You can't just butt in whenever you don't like what's going on, they are adults and you should respect their choices, even when you don't agree with them."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">He's right, I know he is. And I hate it when he's right. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">But it didn't stop me from telling Devon to smarten up or risk losing Janie. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">He told me something along the same lines Reed did, he told me to get my nose out of his life, he knows what he's doing. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">I think he's going to lose Janie. I don't see her staying with him if he's not giving her the attention she wants when there are a couple other guys who are interesting in giving her all the attention she could ever want. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">That's right, I did say two. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">I don't think Cary is completely over Janie, even if she says they are just friends. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">And I know Colin was disappointed when I told him that Janie had a boyfriend yesterday after he hinted around that he would like to have her number. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">Now, what's going on with me? </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">Well when you look at Janie's life, mine is soooo boring! But I wouldn't have it any other way. Despite a few small arguments every now and then, Reed and I are doing great, which I'm sure you all know from Janie's entry the other day! I'm still blushing about that whole 'trying' comment of his. I love him so much.</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">Alexis is moving around with great freedom, getting into everything if we don't keep an eye on her; I'm starting to wonder why I encouraged her to walk. I mean, now she's walking, what's next? Going out and staying out all night? Bringing home strange boys? Giving her dad and me gray hairs long before our time?</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">Ok, ok. I know she's only 14 months old and won't be doing any of that for a few years yet but still, I miss the days where she would look to me for everything. I don't want my baby to grow up! It's happening <em>way</em> too fast! I told Reed the other day that I blame him for her independent streak; he laughed and told me that she got that one from me. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">With the sense of lost I have now that Alexis isn't as dependant, I have been thinking about having more children but I know it's probably not the best time to even start - and Reed's grandmother would have a cow, she tells me she's ready for it, as soon as we get married. She's a nice lady and I love her but I don't know if I am willing to wait that long - Reed hasn't even mentioned marriage to me in a long time, I don't even know if he wants that anymore. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">Speaking of marriage, there will be 'wedding' in the next couple months in Reed's family - his parents are renewing their vows at the end of November - it seems that things have heated up between Lucinda and Roger since Lucinda moved back in; in her words, "I never knew Roger was such an animal!"</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">Ewwwwww! I cringe every time she tells me that! But I am really happy for them, they seem to be working out all the issues they had and Roger does seem to be getting friendlier in this new relationship he has with Lucinda - a couple days ago he actually complimented me, he told me I've done a great job raising Alexis, she's the 'perfect granddaughter'.</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">I wanted to tell him it was about time he got his head out of his ass and saw that but I didn't. I'm just happy that he seems to have finally accepted that we are here to stay. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">And now, Sean. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">Sean has an open invitation to our home anytime he wants it; he hasn't taken us up on that one too often but he does come over for supper at least once a week. He tells me that he's still trying to find his place in our family but he misses his family. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">Because I'm the coolest sister-in-law a man could ever have (according to Sean) I've invited all his family up here to meet us and spend Thanksgiving here; his sister, Rae, suggested it one night when I was talking to her through IMs. For the most part, his family has agreed to come, they'll be here on Saturday until Tuesday morning; I have hotel rooms booked for all of them - even the ones who aren't sure if they'll be here or not. Sean doesn't know anything about this, he thinks everyone has forgotten about him; it breaks my heart not to be able to tell him that they are coming to see him but they want to surprise him so what can I do? </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">SO with a houseful of strangers about to descend on us, I have a lot of stuff to do. </span>Amberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08982091544424394335noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-795425709912183156.post-53544444015012021932007-10-03T10:18:00.000-06:002007-10-14T09:50:27.316-06:00In My Head<span style="color:#3366ff;"><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">I've been left alone with my thoughts since I went out with Amber the other night. I promised her that I would try talking to Devon about how I am feeling and what I want from him that I feel I'm not getting. </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">I don't know, maybe I'm being all depressing and down but I don't think it's going to make a lick of difference if I tell Devon what I want, he has always done what he wanted to do, no matter what. </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">What good will talking do? He won't change, he won't do anything to change anything. It's pointless.</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">I told Amber that but she doesn't believe me, she thinks that Devon really cares for me but doesn't really know how to show me, so he does what he always did because, let's face it, I put up with it before. </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">"If you spell it out for him and nothing changes, then you can say you gave it your best shot," she told me before we left DW's the other night. "You don't want to walk away from him Janie and always wonder if there was something you could've said or do that would've changed it; no 'what if's Janie, you don't need them."</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">Ok, so that last part go to me, it got me thinking that maybe she was right. What harm would it do to spell things out for Devon? I don't want to walk away wondering if I made a mistake.</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">So with that said, I've been thinking, really thinking about what I want - what it is that he's not doing that I want him to do - but the only thing I can think of is, I want him to put me first some time; I don't want to be second to his ex and her baby. </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><em><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">-sigh-</span></em><br /><em><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span></em><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">I guess I should think about this a little more before I see him later today.</span></span>Janiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04368139616467672759noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-795425709912183156.post-53549153451730233282007-10-02T11:02:00.000-06:002007-10-14T09:50:48.855-06:00It Needs To Be Said<span style="color:#3366ff;"><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">"What floor?" </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">"Huh?" I was lost in my own little world, I didn't even notice when someone joined me as I stepped into the elevator to take me to the second floor where Amber was just about to get off work. </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">The guy smiled, "What floor were you visiting today?" </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">"Ummm, the second," I made a move to hit the button but he was quicker than me. "Thanks," I flashed him a smile and retreated back into my own little world as the elevator doors started to close. </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">"Do you have a child?" He asked. </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">"No," I shook my head but stared straight ahead, wishing the ride was over. </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">"Oh," he seemed surprised. </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">The elevator dinged as it came to a stop on the second floor, I stepped forward as the doors started to slide open. </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">Amber and Reed were walking towards the elevator when I stepped off; Reed was holding Alexis in his arms as he gave his full attention to what Amber was saying. </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">I know it's wrong but I can't help but feel jealous every time I see the three of them together. I'm not jealous that Reed is with Amber, I'm not interesting in him that way. No, I'm jealous of 'them', of the relationship they have, the love they share and the little girl who is the spitting image of her mommy. That's right folks, I said it, Alexis looks like Amber, I don't care what Amber says, it's true - Alexis is her baby twin! </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">"Hey guys." </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">Amber turned from Reed to smile at me, "I'm so excited about tonight," she exclaimed as Reed pouted. </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">"It doesn't look like Reed is though."</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">"What?" Amber glanced at him and laughed. "Oh honey," she turned, wrapped one arm around his waist and rested the other one against his chest. "I'll be home before you even miss me."</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">"Ha!" Reed shook his head, "I'm already missing you." They kissed and I swear I died a little inside just watching them; how do I get that? </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">"Ok, ok enough," I jokingly tugged on Amber's arm to get her away from Reed. "Stop corrupting my niece!"</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">Reed pulled back enough from Amber to look down at the little girl in his arms, "You tell Aunt Janie that you like it when mommy and daddy kiss." He glanced up at me and whispered, "She wants to be a big sister."</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">"Reed!" Amber gasped. </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">"What?" He tried to look innocent for a second and then turned back to me. "But little do either of them know," he leaned in closer to me and whispered, "I'm enjoying the 'trying' more than the 'having' right now."</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">"REED!" Amber slapped his arm. "Don't say that!"</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">"Why not?" </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">"Because people like think that we are actually trying to have another child," she looked at me. "We aren't trying Janie."</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">I went to tell her it was ok but Reed had something else to say. </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">"Oh I'm trying all right," he nodded, smiling at Amber. "I try to get you to kiss me, I try to get you to touch me, I try to get you naked and I try to get you to -" </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">Amber slapped her hand over his mouth. "Keep that up and you'll have all the 'try' you want and none of the 'get'." Reed made this whimpering sound. "I didn't think you would like that," Amber dropped her hand. "Now Janie and I have stuff to do, I'll see you at home later, ok?"</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">Reed smiled, nodded and said, "Yes dear."</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">Amber laughed, "Get outta here." </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">With one last kiss, Reed and Alexis moved towards the elevator and Amber and I headed back into the day care. "I'm just going to tell Co...oh!" She jumped as the guy from the elevator rounded the corner the same time she did. "Hey!"</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">"Hey," he chuckled. "I take it you are heading out?" Amber told him we were, he glanced at me and then told us to have a great time. </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">We were heading back towards the exit when Amber stopped and spun around. "I'm sorry," she exclaimed out of nowhere. The elevator guy glanced up from the papers in his hand to give her a questioning look. "I didn't mean to be rude," she told him. "Colin," she motioned to me. "This is my best friend, Janie." Turning to me, she motioned to Colin, "Janie, this is Colin, we work together."</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">Colin and I exchanged 'nice to meet you's and shook hands before Amber and I turned to go for real this time. Later, over a meal of popcorn shrimp, wings, chicken fingers and onion rings, I would ask her why she stopped to introduce us like that. </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">"I don't know," she shrugged. "I thought it would be rude if I didn't. Plus," she leaned in over the table as if she was about to tell me something top secret. "Don't you think he's seriously cute with his dark hair, green eyes and killer smile? And not to mention the body!" Her eyes went wide. "The boy knows his way around a gym."</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">My jaw dropped to the table, I swear. "Amber!"</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">"What?" She picked up an onion ring and dipped it in the house special sauce. I just stared at her. "I can look," she told me. "There's nothing wrong with looking, I am human after all but it doesn't mean I'm about ready to throw him down on the kiddie tables and have my way with him!"</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">I was shocked, I never heard her talk like that about anyone besides Reed. "Does Reed know you are looking?"</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">Amber rolled her eyes. "Janie! Reed knows I love him, he knows that he's the only man for me."</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">"Yes but does he know that you are thinking about Colin like that?"</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">"It's funny," Amber laughed. "I look at Colin, I think he's cute but I would never do anything with him; Reed means too much to me." She went to bite into her onion ring, "But that doesn't mean I don't look at other guys!"</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">"Doesn't Reed get jealous?"</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">"A little," she told me. "Then he feels like he needs to remind me why I'm with him."</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">I grinned, "The whole 'trying' thing?"</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">Amber cracked up laughing, "Oh Lord! I can't believe he said that!"</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">It was nice to hang out with Amber, to see that relationships aren't as messed up as mine is. Unfortunately, it was a matter of time before she asked how things were going with Devon. I didn't have an answer for her. </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">"That doesn't make me feel that things are going well," she told me. "What's going on Janie? Is Devon doing something wrong?"</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">I told her it wasn't something he was doing, it was what he wasn't doing. I told her that he asked me to move in and how it turned into an argument with me leaving with the feeling that nothing will ever change between us. "I know it's not right but I keep comparing Devon to other guys and he always comes up short."</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">"Oh," she seemed so disappointed, I knew she was hoping that things would work out between us ever since she come back. "Well have you tried to talk to him, really talk and tell him what's on your mind? Have you told him what you wanted and what you were looking for from him?"</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">"It doesn't help Amber, he just doesn't seem to care what I think or feel." I took a deep breath and said something I hadn't said out loud ever. "I don't think Devon and I have a future together."</span></span>Janiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04368139616467672759noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-795425709912183156.post-69114193403582105342007-10-01T11:52:00.000-06:002007-10-14T09:51:06.024-06:00If You Think I Won't Go - Watch Me<span style="color:#3366ff;"><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">"I think you should move in with me."</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">I damn near laughed in his face when he said that. "You have got to be kidding me!" There was no way in hell he was actually saying this to me, no way. </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">"No, I'm very serious," he stabbed at his steak with such force, I thought it was going to fly off the plate and land on some poor unfortunate soul who was seated around us in the resturant. "Why do you have to shoot down everything I suggest? Why can't you just say 'yes Devon, I would love to move in with you. Is this Friday early enough for you?'"</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">He was pouting now, I hated it when he pouted, it wasn't him and it always made me feel like he was up to something. "Devon," I said his name slowly because I wasn't sure how to say what I was thinking with out pissing him off. If I hated it when he pouted, I hated pissing him off even more, he was so unpredictable when he was upset. </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">"Why don't you want to move in with me?" He demanded before I could even say what I wanted. "It's not like your life at home is all that great with your mother drunk all the time."</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">"Leave my mother out of this!" I snapped at him. "You know that she's been having a hard time since my father left her! Why do you have to be such a jerk?"</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">"Excuse me for wanting to move ahead in our relationship, silly me thinking that you would actually want to move ahead."</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">This time I couldn't hold back the laughter. "You have got to be kidding me!" I stared at him. "Move ahead? Devon all we do is fight. I don't even remember the last time we spent the night together without it turning into a fight." I shook my head, "I don't want to be like my parents Devon, I don't want to end up hating you, resenting you like my mom does my dad."</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">"I'm not your father Janie."</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">"No?" My gaze met his. "You have never been a one woman man Devon, just my like my dad. I won't be my mom, I'm tired of not being the most important woman in your life."</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">"Janie come on! You know that I -"</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">"No," I shook my head. "I don't know anything Devon." Before I cried like a baby in front of him, I stood up. "You say lots of stuff Devon but your words and your actions never say the same thing." Reaching for my purse, I told him that I need more than words and in a moment of desperation, I quoted a song that I've been listening too a lot lately, an older one. "I don't need a man I can live with, I need a man I can't live without. Right now Devon, you haven't given me any reason to believe that man is you."</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">It took all my strenght to walk away from him last night. </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">I wish I could say he came after me but he didn't. </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">I don't really know what's going to happen with him, I don't know if I mean enough to him for him to be the man I know he can be. I just know that right now, I'm missing him more than I thought I would. </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;">Am I crazy? Is there a chance that Devon is really the man for me? Or am I holding onto the hope that he is? </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /></span><span style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="color:#3366ff;"><span style="font-size:130%;">Amber is worried about me; she called me last night to see how I was doing. She may deny that Devon was behind her call but I like to think that he was, that he did care about me that much, at least. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">I'm supposed to go by her work later today, she suggested that we hang out. </span></span></span>Janiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04368139616467672759noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-795425709912183156.post-83411486660835015902007-09-27T13:04:00.000-06:002007-10-14T09:51:22.372-06:00Drinks, That's All It Is<span style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:130%;color:#3366ff;">My night out with Cary couldn't have gotten off to worse start! Devon snooping in my night stand drawer to find my day timer to see where I was going? I was so pissed off! He didn't even respect me enough to give me some privacy! I wanted to go after him and find out what his problem was but if I did that we would probably fight and I wasn't in the mood to fight with him anymore. I hated fighting! I had to listen to my parents fight for years, it wasn't my idea of a good time!!<br /><br />I headed off to DW's not longer after Devon left, I was determined to have a good time despite him.<br /><br />Cary was already at a table when I got there and he was facing the front door so he saw me come in. And I saw the flash of desire in his eyes as I came to stand in front of him when he stood to pull out my chair for me.<br /><br />Yes, it did make me feel good!! Doesn't every woman want to know that they are looking great when they go out? It doesn't mean that I want to jump him or anything!! I swear!<br /><br />No, I don't care how many Abercrombie and Fitch ads he seemed to belong too in his khaki cargo shorts and gray with white strip shirt - both showing off his tanned, muscular arms and legs - nor did I care that he was wearing the cologne that I picked out for him just after he asked me to marry him.<br /><br />No, I didn't want to jump him...<br /><br />...although, I did think about it.<br /><br />"Hello Janie," he gave me a one armed hug before motioning to my outfit. "You look amazing tonight."<br /><br />"Thank you," I blushed as I sat down in the chair he held out for me. "You look good too."<br /><br />He thanked me and took his seat again. "I took the liberty of ordering us a couple drinks; I got you the blue drink that you like so much."<br /><br />It didn't surprise me that he would order our drinks, it was something he always did when we were together and I really liked it. Not because he was taking control or anything because the drinks were the only thing he ever ordered for me. No, I liked that he was that thoughtful, I liked that he had the foresight to plan ahead.<br /><br />Some thing that Devon failed to do on many occasions. I mean, how hard is it to plan what we'll be doing if you asked me out? And plans to sit at home and make out aren't what I'm talking about either!!<br /><br />Our drinks came shortly after I arrived. "Good timing," I said when the waitress had left.<br /><br />"Well," he smiled at me. "I did ask for them to come just after you were seated."<br /><br />There was something about his smile that just pulled me in. Maybe it was the dimples, maybe it was the fact that it was always lopsided or maybe, just maybe it was the way his whole face lit up. Whatever it was, his smile was dangerous and so was the fact that once he smiled, I started to remember the good times with him.<br /><br />I grabbed my glass and took a drink.<br /><br />"Hey, hey!" Cary reached for my glass. "Go easy on that hun," he said in his slow, sexy drawl. "You know how quickly that stuff goes to your head." I return the glass to it's drink coaster. "That's better. Now, how are things with you? How is work?"<br /><br />I work as a receptionist, I find it enjoyable but it's not really that exciting to talk about but since Cary knew most of the people I work with, it was nice to talk to someone about the issues I was having with some of the staff. Cary hung on every word as if I were telling him the meaning of life. That kind of attention can make a girl's head spin!!<br /><br />"What about you?" I asked when I finally finished talking about work. "The last time we spoke, you were applying for school, did you get into that cooking program?"<br /><br />"At Sait?" He shook his sadly. "I missed the deadline for this year but I have applied for next winter." I told him I was sorry to hear that but he didn't seem too upset. "No worries, I've already applied for next Winter, hopefully I get in. It's a high demand program, so we'll see. In the meantime, I'll continue to work at the restaurant." He took a drink from his mug of beer. "Oh! Did I tell you that Manny quit?" I shook my head. "Well he did, last week, Terry told me if I wanted some extra kitchen shifts they were mine! I'm stoked!"<br /><br />"Wow, that's great for you!"<br /><br />"Yeah, I couldn't believe my luck! To be in the same kitchen as Paulette? To watch her work? It's like dream come true!"<br /><br />"Will she teach you some of her tricks? Is she ok with you being in there?" From what I remember of Paulette, she was very bitching when she wanted to be. And look out if you sent back anything because it wasn't cooked the way you wanted it.<br /><br />"I'm on her good side," he grinned. "We got to talking one night after we closed, I told her about my goal and she seemed willing to help me pick up a think or two. It'll be great."<br /><br />We talked more about his career choice and the subject soon changed to whether or not we would order some food to go with our drinks. "It's not Paulette's cooking by no means," he joked as he picked up the menu from the stand on the table. "But the food is pretty good here."<br /><br />"Yeah..." I reached for a menu too.<br /><br />"What's wrong?"<br /><br />"Wrong?" I told him I didn't know what he was talking about.<br /><br />"No?" He closed his menu. "Did you need to go?"<br /><br />"No."<br /><br />"Were you waiting for someone to show up?"<br /><br />"No."<br /><br />"Well then why do you keep looking towards the door? Am I boring you?"<br /><br />I wasn't going to tell him about Devon but I found myself spilling it. I told him how Devon found my day timer and I was afraid that he would show up.<br /><br />"Isn't that the idea?"<br /><br />"What?" I stared at him. "Is what the idea?"<br /><br />"Why you asked me out here tonight, wasn't it so Devon would find out, show up, see us together and get jealous?"<br /><br />My jaw dropped.<br /><br />"Wasn't it?" He asked again, this time a little hesitantly.<br /><br />"No!" I couldn't believe he thought I would use him like that.<br /><br />"Then why did you ask me to meet you Janie?"<br /><br />"Because," I returned the menu I was looking at to its holder and grabbed my bag. "I wanted to see you," I told him. "I hated how I screwed things up with you, it wasn't right."<br /><br />"No," he agreed. "You screwing around with Devon when we were engaged was very wrong."<br /><br />"I'm sorry. I know that doesn't change what happened but Cary, I really am sorry about that."<br /><br />"So?" He glanced at his menu for a second before looking up at me. "You wanted me meet up to tell me you were sorry?"<br /><br />"No!" I groaned, I wasn't being clear at all. "I miss you Cary," the second I said it, he perked up. "Oh," I groaned again. "I mean, I miss doing stuff with you. I really enjoyed spending time with you." His shoulders slumped and I felt like a bitch. "I guess I wanted us to be friends but if you don't think you could be my friend then..." I didn't know what else to say, I started to get up. "I'm sorry Cary."<br /><br />I started to walk away but I didn't get pass the first couple tables. "Wait Janie," Cary's hand curled around my elbow and he turned me to face him. "I would like that."<br /><br />Devon didn't show up at DW's at all while I was there with Cary; we were there until midnight.<br /><br />In the week that has pasted since that night, I've hung out with Cary twice both times we met at the restaurant and ended up at one of his co-workers house for a couple drinks.<br /><br />Devon hasn't said a word about me hanging out with Cary nor has he changed anything he does.<br /><br />I guess you could say that things are pretty normal around here. </span></span>Janiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04368139616467672759noreply@blogger.com18tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-795425709912183156.post-10362707504871805042007-09-10T11:14:00.000-06:002007-10-14T09:51:36.544-06:00The Start Of The Night<span style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:130%;color:#3366ff;">I was in the middle of putting on my make up last night when I heard a voice that I didn't want to hear calling my name as he neared my bedroom door. I groaned, cursed my mom before looking back into the mirror in front of me. Of all the nights I didn't want to see him, he had to show up! Just like a guy! Don't call for a couple days, ignore you when you are around and then when you have plans, he's all up in your space!<br /><em></em><br />He opened my door without knocking, something that he always did and I hated it! Does he think he's too good to knock? Does he think that he can just walk in here and I'll be all happy to see him?<br /><br />"Hot," he hissed as he grabbed me around the waist, turning me towards him, expecting me to kiss him.<br /><br />"Devon!" I was upset, I hated that he did this to me every time! And what made it worst was that he knew I hated him barging in and manhandling me like I was some piece of meat! Don't get me wrong, I like to be manhandled most of the time, especially by Devon but right now I'm just irritated with him.<br /><br />"Oh come on Janie," he wrapped his arms around me. "You know you want me." While he spoke his right hand slid down over my hip, over the cotton material of my white back pleated, mid thigh lenght skirt that sat low at my waist and onto my bare thigh. His hand soon disappeared under my skirt, I didn't move at first but the second I felt his fingers rub against my panties, I jumped.<br /><br />"Devon stop it!" I tore out of his arms and turned to glare at him. "What the hell do you think you are doing?"<br /><br />"What am I doing?" He grinned as he moved towards me once again. "How about I tell you what I'd love to be doing?" His hands went around me again, this time he grabbed my ass pulling me tight to him. "We don't need to go out," he told me while nipping at the sensitive skin of my neck. "Why don't we order some food and I'll show you how hot you get me when you wear that skirt for me."<br /><br />"No," I struggled to get my arms to cooperate so that I could push him away. "I have plans tonight Devon."<br /><br />"Oh?" He raised a brow. "Where are we going?"<br /><br /><em>"</em>We aren't going any where! I am! Alone."<br /><br />"Ha!" He shook his head. "Good one babe!"<br /><br />"I'm serious! I'm going out tonight, without you!" When I said 'you' I jabbed my finger into his chest. "So why don't you back off and give me some space so I can finish up here?"<br /><br />Without a word, Devon did as I asked. At least he backed away anyway, he didn't leave though, he retreated to my bed where he layed down on his back with his arms under his head and his feet crossed - he was staring at me the entire time and it sort of freaked me out.<br /><br />I had to leave my room for a couple minutes to grab something from the bathroom, when I returned Devon pushed off my bed and mumbled something about finding something better to do as he stomped out of my room.<br /><br />I was relieved when my door closed behind him.<br /><br />Or I was until I spotted my day timer sitting on my bed, opened for all the world to see <em>'Cary 8pm - drinks @ DW'</em>. </span></span>Janiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04368139616467672759noreply@blogger.com17tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-795425709912183156.post-30844466626038975392007-09-08T22:23:00.000-06:002007-10-14T09:52:01.494-06:00My Decision<span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="color:#3366ff;"><span style="font-family:georgia;">A couple days have passed since the evening I ran <span style="font-family:georgia;">into Cary and Devon flipped out. I don't care what anyone says, there is no way I'm going to pretend that it doesn't bug the hell out of me that he spends all his free time with Kelly and Gabe or talking about them or doing something for them!! Why should I have too? Who in their right mind would? I'm not being childish or anything and the fact that I slept with him when he was engaged to Kelly has nothing to do with the situation!! </span></span><br /><br /></span></span><span style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:130%;color:#3366ff;">Do you really think it should matter now? Devon didn't love her then and he don't love her now, he's just using her so he can be close to Gabe!! The same stupid reason he was all over Amber once Reed finally found her again!! He wants a child!! He doesn't care who's baby it is either! Whatever Devon wants, he gets! That's the way it's always been and that's the way he expects it to be now!!<br /><br />But you know what? I'm not going to be just another person he uses and throws away; I did that once before and it wasn't all that hot for me! I love him but there is no way I'm going to be on the bottom of his list! I need some attention! I need to know he wants me for more than a roll in the sack! I want what we had before Kelly had Gabe! I want Devon to want me, I want him to 'chase' after me, I want him to be romantic and say the things he said to me the night he 'kidnapped' me and brought me out to the house he bought for Kelly!<br /><br />The house he bought for Kelly? <em>-sigh-</em> I can't even get him to buy me lunch and he buys her a freaking house? Am I jealous? You are damn right I'm jealous!<br /><br />And like I said, I'm not going to sit around and wait for him to decide he wants to see me or not. I'm going out! I'm going to live my life and he can go to hell for all I care!<br /><br />Guess what I did?<br /><br />I called Cary up earlier tonight. I know what you are all thinking but no, I didn't do it to 'get back at' Devon, I did it because I miss Cary, he's a funny guy and he's so sweet. I want to be friends with him.<br /><br />And that's what I'm going to do! Or at least, that's what I'm going to tell him tomorrow night when I meet him for drinks at DW's. Amber thinks I should tell Devon that I'm meeting up with Cary and why but he wasn't paying much attention to me when I tried to tell him! How do I know he wasn't paying attention? He told me to have fun! No questions! No tirades! Nothing!<br /><br />Chances are that I'll try to tell him again before I leave to meet Cary tomorrow...</span></span>Janiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04368139616467672759noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-795425709912183156.post-29060304399215879092007-09-07T12:38:00.000-06:002007-09-07T13:11:36.656-06:00Hello My Friends<span style="font-size:130%;">I just thought I'd stop by to see how everyone was doing. I can't tell you how weird it is for me to see someone else's words on this blog but I'm so glad that Janie agreed to take over for me, I wasn't sure if I would have the time or energy to update like I used too. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">But as promised, I'm here to tell you all what's going on with me. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">First off, Reed is wonderful! I swear I love him more and more everyday! The other night he took me to the place where we first met. We were already at his parents' house helping Lucinda move her stuff back in because she decided that she wasn't going to let Roger ignore her. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">"He can't ignore me if I live in the same house," she told me. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">I don't know if it's a good idea or not but she thinks that maybe he will give her a chance to explain about Sean if she's around more. "Things have got out of hand," she cried on my shoulder while Reed was loading her stuff into the Jeep. "I wanted to tell Roger about Sean a long time ago but every time I tried to bring up the time we had together back then, he would tell me that we shouldn't talk about it in case some one overheard."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">I think Roger is in for a big fight; Lucinda is determined to mend things. It's funny how it went from Lucinda being mad at Roger to the other way around in such a short time. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">Meanwhile, speaking of Sean, he was helping us move his mother too. Slowly, he's developing a relationship with his parents but he has asked them to understand that he can't just start calling them 'mom' and 'dad'. For the most part, they do understand but every now and then, I see the look on their faces when he mentions Mack and Gertie. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">I'm so glad that I'll never had to feel that way. Every moment I spend with Sean makes me realize just how important the bond Reed and I share with Alexis is. I'm so glad that I was strong enough to stand up to my parents. I'm so happy that I kept my little girl. </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">The most moment for Sean and his parents came when Sean told Roger that there was no way that he would work at his company. "I'm sorry," he said. "But it's not me, I'm not a shirt and tie guy. You already have Reed working for you and from what I see, he's doing a great job."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">I'll stop there to tell you that Reed absolutely loves his brother...I'm almost jealous of how much he talks about Sean!</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">Ok, so Sean told Roger that he wouldn't work for him. When Roger asked what he will do for work, Sean told him that he'll do what he always does, "Construction." </span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">Roger hated that but Lucinda encouraged Sean, even though she hated it as well. Later she would tell me that she wanted Sean to be happy, "and if getting his hands dirty makes him happy then by golly! He'll get his hands dirty."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">Reed suggested that Sean talk to Devon since Devon was technically in the construction business, "he knows all the best contractors," Reed told Sean. "I did tell you he was an architect, right?"</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">So Sean spoke to Devon, who made a few calls and gave Sean the names of some guys to talk too. Sean starts work with the biggest contractor in town Monday night at 6 am. He couldn't be happier!</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">Now for me. There really isn't much going on for me personally. Like I said, Reed is wonderful and I love him so much. Alexis is growing more and more every day. And walking! I really have to watch her now that she's really mobile - she likes to pull stuff from all the areas she couldn't reach when she was at floor level. Last night she pulled a picture of the three of us from one of my shelves and broke the glass, cutting her finger. She's ok but she cried so much that I almost cried with her. The only thing that made her stop was when I put the Strawberry Shortcake band aid on her finger, she giggled at that!</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">Work wise, in a surprising turn of events Colin started with us a couple days ago. I'm not sure why he's working with us, Nadine thinks Charlie talked him into it because he's in between jobs and he did help out at the day care from time to time before. It's weird working with him, especially knowing that it's partly my fault that he found out Penny was cheating on him. Although one of the first things he did when he started the other day was tell me that he was sorry for everything Penny did to me. I told him he wasn't responsible but he told me he felt it was, "I'm the reason she was here in the first place."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">So that's about all that's going on in my life. I would talk about Janie and Devon but I think Janie is the better person to talk too about what's going on with them!</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">I want to thank all of you for your help and guidance over the last couple months, I really appreciated it. I will be back with more updates for me when I have time meanwhile please offer Janie all the support and guidance you have given me.</span>Amberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08982091544424394335noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-795425709912183156.post-88646155768243892092007-09-05T10:56:00.000-06:002007-10-14T09:52:21.311-06:00Yes, I'm A 'Reactor' =)<span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="color:#3366ff;"><em>ARGH!!!</em> Seriously! What did I <em>do</em>? Where did I sign my name on this whole 'we are dating but I can talk too/hang out with/buy gifts for my ex-fiance and her new baby <em>but</em> you can't even <em>talk</em> to yours without me flipping out' deal? Because seriously if I knew it was going to be like this, I don't think I would've sign the damn deal!<br /><br />Ok. There really isn't a signed deal out there anywhere but you get the idea. I'm so PO'ed at Devon right now...so PO'ed that I almost typed Dylan for some stupid reason! I don't even know a Dylan! But if I did, you can bet that he wouldn't be the dick that Devon is being at this moment!<br /><br /><em>Calm down Janie...just calm down...</em><br /><br />Yes, I'm talking to myself here...or I guess you can say 'typing'...haha =)<br /><br />=( does this site not do the smiley face guys? I love the smiley face guys!<br /><br />Wait a second, I got off topic. I do that a lot, people say I'm ditsy but I like to think that my mind just works so fast that it boggles every one's mind!!<br /><br />Ok. So. Devon. Right...<br /><br />Last night I was walking downtown with him, we were on our way to dinner when he decided to stop into the toy store to see if there was anything new since he was in the earlier that day. I kid you not! He was in there lunchtime yesterday! He told me when we were walking in the door!<br /><br />I didn't want to be there, I didn't want to be looking at toys for his ex's son, we were on a date! Do you all shop for toys for baby while you are on a date? A date with the person you were cheating on said ex with in the first place?<br /><br />Don't get me wrong, I don't have anything against Kelly or Gabe, I think Gabe is really cute but seriously! I don't want to look at baby stuff on a date. When I tried to tell him that, he got mad at me! He didn't even let me finish or explain how I was feeling, he just told me I was being childish and walked away!<br /><br />When Devon walked away from me, I decided I wasn't sticking around the store, he could do whatever he wanted, I was going to the restaurant to wait for him. When I told him that, he mumbled something like, 'maybe I won't show up'.<br /><br />I stormed out of the store but not before telling him I didn't care if he did or not. I told him he could go see Kelly for all I cared.<br /><br />But I did care, I was looking forward to last night for the simple fact that it didn't have anything to do with Kelly or Gabe! Ever since Gabe was born, Devon has been over there or calling Kelly or shopping for them. I just wanted him to myself. Is that so wrong?<br /><br />I was stomping down the sidewalk, muttering to myself as I went. I swear people were crossing the street to avoid me because they thought I was crazy. And maybe I was. Maybe I am.<br /><br />As I stomped, I thought I heard someone say my name. Turning around I saw Cary half running up the sidewalk towards me.<br /><br />C: Hey!<br /><br />Me: Ummm, hi! How are you?<br /><br />C: I'm ok. How are you? You seemed to be a little mad, I wasn't sure if I should bother you. - <em>tilting his head, sizing me up -</em> Are you ok Janie?<br /><br />Me: I'm fine, I just - <em>sigh - </em>I'm fine.<br /><br />C: - <em>looking around - </em>Are you late meeting someone? Or do you have a couple minutes?<br /><br />Me: I was just heading down for something to eat - <em>pointed down the street at the restaurant</em> - but I have a couple minutes. What's up?<br /><br />I wish I could tell you what Cary wanted but Devon decided to come after me at that moment.<br /><br />D: - <em>steps in between Cary and me, facing Cary</em> - time's up.<br /><br />C: - <em>glancing around Devon to look at me</em> - We'll talk later?<br /><br />If Devon wasn't giving Cary the dirtiest look I've ever seen and if he didn't interrupt us so rudely, I probably would've said no but...<br /><br />Me: - <em>cheerfully - </em>Yes, I would like that.<br /><br />Cary gave me a smile before walking away.<br /><br />D: What was that all about?<br /><br />Me: - <em>shrugging</em> - don't know, you interrupted before he could tell me what he wanted. - <em>raising a brow, totally joking</em> - hey maybe he wanted me to run away with him!<br /><br />D: - <em>glaring</em> -<br /><br />Me: - <em>sighing</em> - I was KIDDING Devon! Good Lord! Seriously!<br /><br />I turned to head to the restaurant when his hand came down on my arm, he spun me around to face him.<br /><br />D: I don't want you to talk to him anymore.<br /><br />Me: - <em>laughing </em>- yeah, right. - <em>has a thought</em> - Ok, I'll stop talking to him...<br /><br />D: - <em>lets go of my arm and smiles</em> - Ok, good. Let's go eat. -<em>takes my hand in his, about to take a step down the sidewalk</em> -<br /><br />Me: - <em>continues</em> - ...when you stop talking to Kelly.<br /><br />D: - <em>freezes in mid step, turns to me once again</em> - I told you why I still talk to Kelly. I'm not going to stop just because you say so.<br /><br />Me: - <em>shrugging but really I care, it hurt that he wouldn't consider my feelings</em> - then you should understand why I will talk to Cary, if I want too.<br /><br />But he didn't understand. He told me that he didn't see why I would have a problem with him helping out Kelly. "If my parents didn't do what they did, I wouldn't feel responsible for her!"<br /><br />I wasn't about to get into it with him in the middle of the sidewalk. I told him that we could go have dinner and talk about this later or go home and talk about it then.<br /><br />He decided to go home...alone.<br /><br />I wanted to scream as he walked away from me but instead, I spun around and took myself out to dinner.<br /><br />It was the best dinner I've had in a while.<br /><br />Which makes me wonder, am I jumping into a 'relationship' with Devon because I really love him or because I love the idea of loving him?<br /><br />We don't fight all the time, it's just lately and it's always about Kelly. At first I tried to smile and deal with it but it's like I'm having a relationship with two other people. I don't want that, I want... - <em>sigh</em> - I want all of his attention when we are together.<br /><br />Is that so wrong of me?<br /><br />- <em>Janie</em><br /><em></em><br /></span></span></span><div align="center"><em><span style="font-family:georgia;font-size:130%;color:#3366ff;">~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</span></em></div>Janiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04368139616467672759noreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-795425709912183156.post-33068386723933216382007-09-04T11:48:00.001-06:002007-10-14T09:52:49.414-06:00Free Thoughts<span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="color:#3366ff;"><span style="font-family:georgia;">Amber told me this was going to be easy but reading the comments, I wonder why I jumped at the chance to do this without thinking about it further. </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;">I was excited, I really was! Amber was so great at selling this to me, she said to think of it as a diary where I could tell my deepest secrets and fears. </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;">Only this '<em>diary</em>' would give me suggestions and help if I needed it. I thought it would be easy, I can write a diary, I've been writing in one all my life but this...this is so NOT like a diary!!! </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;">I don't know what to do now, everyone seems to have prejudged me without given me a chance. </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;">I think that stinks!!! I'm not a bad person, I'm not!!! I may have down some questionable things in the past, hurt my best friend and had a hand in hurting her little girl too BUT if Amber can forgive me, why can't a brunch of strangers who weren't affected by my mistake?</span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;">I'm not a bad person, I just made a mistake. </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;">Who here hasn't done something they knew was wrong? </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;">Amber told me not to let the comments run me out of the blog, she said that it's hard to take the bad with the good but in the end it's worth it. </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;">She's normally right. </span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:georgia;">I hate that...</span></span></span>Janiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04368139616467672759noreply@blogger.com18