Once In This Life

I Think Of You As Family

2007-12-11T11:30:00.000-07:00

Last night I went over to Devon's house to sit with Janie for a little while. It's been so difficult to see her since the fire, she doesn't seem like the same Janie I've known most of my life. She seems withdrawn. Devon told me that she's been like that since he brought her home that night.

"She doesn't want to do anything," he told me. "She just wants to sit around watching TV or sleep. I'm worried about her, this can't be healthy."

"Have you tried to get her to go out?"

"Yeah," he nodded. "But the only time she went out was to go to the funeral. She..." he trailed off. He looked so defeated as he stood before me, I wanted to give him a hug and tell him that everything will be ok. "I don't know what to do," he admitted helplessly.

He had a meeting with a client, that's why he called and asked me to sit with her, he didn't want to leave her alone in case she needed something. After I promised to call him if she asked for him, he poked his head into the living to tell her that he was heading out. Janie didn't even acknowledge him, she just stared at the TV.

Once Devon was gone, I walked into the living room and Janie sighed. "He's hovering."

"He's worried about you."

"Yeah," she sniffed. "He's been asking me how I'm doing. I tell him I'm fine but he keeps asking me. Make him stop Amber, tell him to stop asking me how I'm doing. My mom is dead, my dad killed her. How the hell do you think I'm doing? I'm dying inside."

"Janie," I went to her and wrapped an arm around her shoulders. "I'm so sorry that this happened, I wish there was something I could do to change it but I can't."

"I know," she mumbled and then chuckled. "Devon would turn back time if he could, he told me that last night when we were in bed."

"Ummm..."

"It's not what you think," she told me. "We didn't do anything - we haven't done anything - he just holds me and I sleep." She closed her eyes as she took a deep breath. "I'm so tired all the time," she sighed heavily. "If he let me I would sleep all the time but he won't, he gets me up."

"He cares about you," I said softly.

"Mmm," she nodded. "He does."

"And you -"

"I just buried my mom."

That was the extent of our conversation. She started to cry again. When Devon came home, I was sitting on one end of his couch, watching TV, stroking her hair as she rested her head on my lap as she cried. I felt like I was soothing Alexis, is that weird? It seemed like it was a motherly thing to do.

I left Devon's not long after he got home, I don't even think that either one of them noticed that I did. As I drove home, I was glad that Janie let Devon help her out in her time of need. She certainly didn't have any other people to count on besides Reed and me.

I was happy to see my home appear in front of me as I pulled into the driveway. I was feeling a little down from visiting with Janie, I wanted to go find Reed and curl up in his arms. "Reed?" I called as I walked into the dimly lit house. When I left he was watching TV, I guess I expected him to be still in the living room but it seemed like he was already gone to bed. I couldn't help but feel disappointed as I turned off the lights as I headed down the hallway to check on Alexis before going upstairs to cuddle up to his sleeping form.

"Amber." I heard his voice coming from behind me, I turned to see him sitting behind his desk in his office.

"Hey!" I grinned as I made my way into his office. "I'm so glad that you are awake, I..." The look he gave me stopped me from finishing that sentence. "Reed? Honey what's wrong?"

"Come here," he pushed his chair out from the desk. "I have to ask you something."

"Ok," I said hesitantly as I rounded his desk. "What's on your mind?" He leaned back in the chair, his head resting against the head rest as he gazed up at me while his fingers teasingly stroked my fingers. "Reed?" I couldn't make out the look on his face. He didn't look upset but he didn't look happy either.

He gripped my wrist and yanked on my hand, pulling me down onto his lap.

"Reed!" I laughed as he settled me across his lap. I went to kiss him but he held a finger up to my lips. I frowned.

"I came in here to do some work," he told me. "But I decided to check out some stuff online when I stumbled across this -" he turned my head towards the screen.

I gasped as I saw my words staring me right in the face. "I..." I turned back to him, he looked at me with questions in his eyes. "I..."

"I believe you said that already Amber."

"Don't be mad."

He frowned.

"I needed to talk to someone and there was no one around. I wanted to feel like someone cared about what was happening with me. I needed something to stop me from going crazy." He didn't said anything. "Reed you don't know what it was like, I was cut off from everyone I knew and loved. I didn't know anyone and I was lonely so I started to write. People were reading it, they were interested in what was going on with me. I soon started to think of them as my friends."

"But you don't know anything about them Amber! But they know all of our personal business!"

"I know! I came to rely on them, they helped me out when I needed it and they gave advice." He stared at me. "Don't do that," I cried. "You must have read the comments, you know that they were all rooting for you!" I smiled, "They helped me open my eyes when it came to you honey. They made me realize just how lucky I was to have you in my life."

"So you are with me because of them?"

"No!" I laughed. "They just helped me spread the dark clouds of hurt and self doubt to see what I've always thought and felt for you. I'm with you because I love you Reed." I kissed his lips. "And they all love you too!"

He blushed. "I guess it isn't bad after all."

"No," I hugged him tight. "It's all good, it brought us back together again."

"Well," he nibbled at my neck. "In that case, don't you think we should go upstairs and make them proud?"

He led the way and I followed eagerly. Making love to Reed last night was nothing short of earth shattering. With every beat of my heart, I love him more. I don't know where our journey is going to take us. All I know is that I'm extremely grateful to have been given a second chance at happiness.

It's with mixed emotions that I write this entry today. Even though I love all of you guys, who take the time out of your busy schedules to check in on me and give me some help, a kind word or encouragement, I feel that it's time to take the next step. I will miss every single one of you and I will never forget how a group of strangers became my best friends through the written words on a web page.

I hope that you are all proud of the person I have become for you all had a hand in molding me. Thank you.

- AmberLynn

No Time Bombs Allowed

2007-11-26T07:29:00.000-07:00

This past weekend my soon to be in laws renewed their wedding vows in a beautifully decorated room at the clubhouse.

The one thing that surprised me about the ceremony was the fact that it was a very intimate affair. I expected Lucinda to have invited everyone under the sun and their offspring but she didn't, she kept it very private. Besides Sean, Reed, me and Alexis only Reed's grandmother and a handful of relatives and close family friends were on the guest list. There may have been thirty people tops in the room and that was almost too many if you were standing along side Lucinda as she waited for the ceremony to start.

"I'm so nervous," she giggled like a little school girl. "You would think this is the first time I stood before everyone and pledge my love for that man."

I smiled, "Well it is the first time your boys got to see you do it."

"My boys," she sighed happily. "I'm so glad Sean is here to share this day with us. I just wish he would've let me set him up with someone, I don't like that he's alone. I want him to know the happiness that his father and brother both feel."

"Don't worry about Sean," I told her. "I'm sure he has plenty of women he can choose from, after all he is a Johnson."

"Why AmberLynn!" Lucinda gasped as she turned to stare at me. "I do believe those stars in your eyes have blinded you to the dislike you felt for my family."

I shrugged, "What happened is in the past Lucinda, why dwell on it? Reed loves me and he wants to spend his life with me, why shouldn't I be happy to be apart of his family? I thought that all issues we had with each other have been resolved, was I wrong?"

"Of course not!" She gave me a hug. "Roger and I are very happy that you and Reed are moving forward. Why just the other night, Roger told me that he hoped you two didn't wait too long to have another grandchild, he swore he would do right by you two the next time around." She smiled, "I just think he wants more babies running around, these last couple days he has spent with Alexis has really softened him - he's been trying to get her to call him 'papa' but she looks around the room every time he says it.

"She is looking for my dad," I told her. "He's 'papa' to her. We'll have to come up with some other name for him for her to use."

Lucinda seemed a little disappointed but what could I do? It took too long for him to come around, I wasn't going to confuse Alexis and insist on her calling Roger 'papa' when she associated that word with my dad.

During the ceremony, I was seated between Reed and Sean. Alexis was seated on my lap at the beginning, she was playing 'peekaboo' with Uncle Sean and giggling but soon that wasn't enough, she wanted to be up with him. It was so cute to see Sean holding her, he looked a little unsure of what he was doing but she looked really happy to be up with him.

I managed to hold it together for most of the ceremony, even though I was picturing Reed and I up there instead of his parents. When Lucinda and Roger were reciting the vows they wrote for each other, I started to tear up. I didn't think I was going to cry until Reed wrapped his arms around me.

"Soon that will be us," he whispered. "I can't wait for that day either, I want to tell the world how much I love you." He paused as his lips brushed my cheek. "I already have an idea what I want to say to you that day my love."

"You do?" I was surprised, the date we had tossed around wasn't for another 8 months, how could be possibly know what he wanted to say.

"Mmmhmm," he nodded. "I've known for a while what I wanted to say to you on the happiest day of our lives."

"What is it?"

He chuckled, "I can't tell you now Amber, you aren't wearing white or standing in front of a priest."

"I could fix that," I told him as I pretended to move to get up. He laughed and held me tight. "Ok," I sighed, "I guess I can wait."

In all, the ceremony and reception that followed went off as perfectly as Lucinda had planned. The only part of the night that had the potential to get out of hand happened just after the ceremony. Reed and I were standing with Sean when Devon came up to speak with us, he didn't get 'hello' out before Sean mentioned Janie.

"I hear you two broke up," he stated. "What happened?"

Devon, obviously taken back by the question, stared at Sean for a few seconds before calmly telling him to mind his own business and not to believe everything he hears. "Janie and I aren't done."

I'm not sure what Sean was trying to do when he asked about Janie, he wouldn't tell Reed or I when we asked but since Janie told me what happened with him the day she sprained her ankle, I was starting to wonder if Sean had his sights set on Janie.

And if he did, what did that mean? Would he really pursue someone who is clearing mixed up about what she's looking for in a relationship? What would happen if they did date? Would it drive a wedge between Devon and Reed, would it ruin their friendship?

I like all three of them - Sean, Janie and Devon - it's hard to know that there is a potential for something to happen, something to go wrong and not do anything to try and stop it.

But that's what I'm going to do - nothing. I get the feeling that getting mixed up in whatever could happen with them won't turn out well for me or Reed. I don't wish for anything to ruin Reed and I, we deserve the happiness we feel right now.

I just hope everyone else can find the same happiness we feel...

Darkness And Light

2007-11-19T03:06:00.000-07:00

Last night Reed and I were in bed, he was reading some book that he picked up a couple weeks ago and I was curled up with my back to him as I tried to sleep - I needed sleep. It had been a long week, Alexis picked up a cold at work so she was very clingy and whiny, she didn't want to do anything but be up with me. Even Reed couldn't get her to go with him and we all know how much Alexis loves her daddy.

After a half hour of laying there listening to the voices in my head go on and on about not obsessing about whether or not he was ever going to ask me to marry him - yes, I was still thinking about it, it was continuous cycle. One minute I was all 'oh he loves me and wants to marry me, he is just waiting for the right moment', I would go on about my day but later I would be thinking 'but you told him you needed time, what if he thinks that you don't want to even talk about marriage anytime soon?'

Oh stop it! I took a deep breath and let it out. Just stop it, he knows that you love him and -

"Amber is everything ok?" I felt Reed move behind me as I froze. Oh crap, I thought. Did I say something out loud? "Amber?"

I intended on quickly glancing over my shoulder, telling him that everything was fine and then go back to trying to sleep but when I saw the concern on his face, I sighed. "No, everything isn't ok," I told him. "I need to talk to you about something,"

"Ummm," for a moment there was a hint of surprise in his eyes before the worry pushed it all away. He marked his page in the book before dropping it on his nightstand. "Ok," he turned back to me. "What's on your mind darling?"

"Well," I sighed once again as I pushed myself into a sitting position beside him. "This is probably going to sound crazy but..."

He raised a brow slightly but didn't say anything.

"See the thing is..." I bit my lip nervously as I stared at him. "Well it's just that..." I frowned, I couldn't think of a way to say what was on my mind without blurting out 'are you ever going to marry me!'

"Amber come on," he took my hand in his and held it on his lap. "Please tell me what it is, you are scaring me a little here." He chuckled as if he was joking but the look he gave me told me he was serious, I was giving him a reason to worry.

"But I don't want to worry you," I replied. "I just...I mean...well..." I stopped, gave him a slight smile and shrugged. "It doesn't want to come out coherently it seems."

"Just say whatever it is Amber."

"Well," I pulled my hand from his, ignoring the frown when I did so. I moved in as close as I could to him, my hand slipped up over his arm to rest against his cheek. "I love you so much, do you know that?"

He smiled, "I love you too Amber."

"Yeah," I beamed. "But -"

His face fell. "But?"

"No," I stopped him from saying anything else. "It's not a bad but."

"Well a but at all after I tell you I love you can't be good Amber." He started to draw away from me.

"No," I grabbed his arm. "It's not a bad thing," I insisted. "It's not!" He didn't look convinced. "This isn't going the way I want," I groaned.

He stared down at me for a couple seconds before he asked me how I wanted this to go.

"I wanted you to know that I love you," I told him. "I wanted to tell you how much you meant to me, how my life without you was dark and lonely. I don't ever want to be that way again Reed, I don't ever want to be somewhere without you." I paused but he remained quiet, his normally expressive eyes unreadable. I didn't know if he was getting what I was saying or not, I started to panic a little. "There isn't a day that goes by that I don't thank God for the love and the joy you brought into my life. You've been patient when I was determined to push you away. You've been loving when I wanted to hate you. You've been understanding when I told you I needed to do things my way when I moved back here. You've loved me despite all my efforts to destroy any chance we had together."

He stared at me when I stopped, I was sniffing as tears rolled down my face, I knew I looked like a mess. He looked like he was thinking something over. Slowly he nodded but still didn't say anything.

And then he pushed back the covers and got out of bed.

"Reed!" I cried out as he walked towards our closet. "Please don't go," I begged as I started to sob. I didn't know what was going on, I didn't think that what I told him would make him mad. What went wrong? I asked myself as my eyes remained focused on the closet where he disappeared. He can't be leaving me!

I was in the middle of jumping out of bed when he reappeared, "Don't." He said when he saw me. "Stay where you are."

"I didn't mean to upset you," I told him as he crossed the room to rejoin me. "I was just -"

He kissed me softly, "I'll take over from here my love."

"Take over?" I frowned.

He suddenly seemed really nervous. "I've been waiting for the perfect moment," he told me. "I thought I wanted everyone around us but I chickened out at your father's birthday."

"Chickened out?" I repeated in confusion.

"Yeah," he gave me a lopsided grin. "I was nervous, I thought I knew exactly how I wanted it, I thought I had the right words but whenever I saw you, I couldn't even think."

"Couldn't think?" I was lost. "Reed what are you talking about?"

"You!" He exclaimed. "I'm talking about you my darling Berrylynn. The mother of my little girl, the strong woman who took her life in her own hands and wouldn't let me have my stubborn way when it mattered the most." He chuckled. "The woman who came crashing through the bushes, crashing what had to be the worse birthday ever, only to turn my life upside down with just a smile."

"Well I..." my voice trailed off as he pulled his hand from behind his back. Holding his hand out to me, he turned it palm up to reveal a small black box. My jaw dropped, I kept looking back and forth between his hand and his eyes.

"You said all the words I was thinking," he lifted his free hand to my cheek; I closed my eyes for a moment as his knuckles brushed my skin. "I thank God for every look, every smile and every touch. I thank Him for bringing such a beautiful loving woman into my life when I had lost all hope of ever finding the perfect woman for me."

He opened the box to reveal the ring that I was drooling over that say in the mall. "Oh my," I gasped, my eyes jumped to his handsome face.

"I love you with all my heart and soul Amber. You gave me so much when I didn't think I deserved it. I want to walk hand in hand with you through this life. I want to wake up every morning and go to sleep every night knowing that I'm holding true happiness in my arms. I want..." His voice broke, he lowered his head for a brief second before lifting it again. Through the tears that lit up his eyes, he took my hand in his. "I want to hold you forever AmberLynn. Will you let me? Will you marry me my love?"

"Yes!" I wrapped my hand around his neck, pulling his head down to me. "Yes!" I cried happily as his lips captured mine.

Disappointment

2007-11-12T06:11:00.000-07:00

Like many of you, I thought that maybe, just maybe there was something suspicious about the party for my father and Reed's behaviour at the beginning of the week. Unfortunately, we were all wrong. Nothing exciting happened this past weekend.

Is it wrong to be disappointed?

I know I shouldn't be, especially since the day that my called me about the lack of reply to the invitation that she sent out for father's party, I found the 'missing' invitation in on Reed's desk in his office at home. When I asked him about it after work he told me that he already told my father that we would be there so he didn't see the point in returning the card to my mother. As for telling me about it? He said he figured that I knew about it since it was for my father.

Along with the invitation, I also found the receipt for his mini golf outing with Sean.

But damn it, I still held onto the hope that something special was going to happen this past weekend. But nothing did...and now I'm a little depressed.

I feel that my life as become pretty boring now - not that I'm not enjoying it - but unlike before, i can't seem to get the energy to post here and make mundane topics seem exciting. I'm hoping that soon I'll have something exciting to talk about....like maybe a wedding? ~crosses my fingers~

Let Me Know - It Won't Hurt, I Promise

2007-11-06T09:19:00.000-07:00

Last Sunday Reed told me that he was going golfing with Sean and that we would meet up at the club for lunch. After I posted the last entry here, Alexis and I went down to the club. We arrived about twenty minutes early so I figured that we would sit overlooking the course until it was time to meet the guys for lunch.

As we made our way up the staircase to the observation area we ran into some of my father's friends, I stopped to talk to them for a couple minutes before telling them what Alexis and I were heading off to do.

"Amber my dear, I haven't seem Reed all morning," one of them told me. "Are you sure he was playing here? Not many people have been out on the course today, it's getting too cold to golf."

"I'm pretty certain that's what he said."

"Well maybe he snuck by us," one joked as they moved on down the stairs.

We made our way up the rest of the stairs and to the observation room where I gazed out over the course but I couldn't see much activity on the course. We sat there for a couple minutes before making our way back down and out to the Jeep so that I could give Reed a call. I tried him a couple times but each time there was no answer. I was a little upset. I wondered why on earth he would tell me he was going to be at the club when he wasn't.

Ten minutes later I was still sitting in the Jeep, debating going home and waiting for him to call or show up, when I saw his car pull into a parking space three spots down and one over from where I was. I sat back in my seat with my arms crossed as I watched Sean and him get out and head towards the club.

They had to pass right in front of the Jeep on their way to the club. They were so into whatever they were talking about that they didn't see me - at first. They had just passed the Jeep when Sean stopped dead in his tracks, glanced over his shoulder as he spoke to Reed, who spun around with a guilty look on his face.

"How was the game?" I asked him when he opened the driver's door.

"It was damn cold," he exclaimed with a smile. "We decided to head down to the mall for a game of mini gold instead." I remained still and silent. "Amber," he pouted as he tugged on my arms that were still crossed over my chest. "Please don't be upset."

I closed my eyes and sighed. "Why didn't you give me a call to let me know? We could've just met there and had lunch."

He raised a brow, "I didn't want to interrupt your cuddling time with my pillow?" He leaned in and grinned, "Did you keep some loving for me?"

I laughed, "You'll just have to find out when you get home," I told him as I turned to get out of the Jeep. "Alexis is hungry," I giggled when his arms came around my waist and he nuzzled my neck.

"Oh ok," he groaned as he released me. "But we'll finish this later!"

And oh boy did we! We both slept really well Sunday night - so well that we were both later getting up for work on Monday!

I got off the phone with my mother a few minutes before I started this post and I'm still shaking my head at the conversation.

"Hello Amber," she greeted me when I answered the phone. "I was just checking over the guest list that Elsa prepared for this weekend and I was shocked that neither Reed nor you name was on the list. Why is that Amber?"

I frowned, Elsa was my mother's 'aide' - why my mother needed an 'aide' was beyond me but I just went along with it. "Well mother, it's probably because I don't know what is supposed to be going on for me to have my name on the list."

"Why it's your father's birthday AmberLynn! Surely you didn't forget!"

I didn't, but I didn't remember it either, if that makes sense. "I didn't know you were having a party for him," I told her. "You didn't tell me about it."

"I did," she stated. "I sent out the invitations to your father's party weeks ago Amber, you should have gotten one."

"Mom, I didn't."

"Well you should have," she sounded upset. "Please tell me that you and Reed will be here? Your father would be very upset if you weren't."

"I'm sure we could rearrange any plans we had to make it to the party mom, I just wish you would've mentioned it to me before this."

"I sent an invitation," she told me and added, "Everyone else got theirs and replied."

I could've stood there with the phone to my ear all day, telling her that I didn't get the invitation but what was the point? I sighed, "Mom we'll be there but next time you have a party, would you please call me and tell me instead of sending me an invitation?"

It's not a difficult concept, mentioning the party to me in one of the many calls she makes to me in a week but she didn't. I know she didn't, I would've remembered. So that makes me wonder if this party was a last minute change of plans on their end, which is more likely than her never mentioning it to me at all.

Sucky thing is, Reed may not be too happy that he's got to dress up and socialize with my parents' friends, people he works with or some of the clients he has to deal with daily. But it's not like we can get out of it, it's my father's birthday. I may not have the best relationship with him but I'm not about to snub him on his birthday.

Well I'm off to work.

Little Messages

2007-11-04T11:07:00.000-07:00

Every time I think that there's nothing that could happen to make me happier, Reed does some small thing to let me know he's thinking about me.

This morning he was up early to meet up with Sean for a game of golf at the club. Reed hates to golf but Sean wanted to try it, so he volunteered to go with his brother. "No," he whispered to me when the clock went off at quarter to seven. "You don't have to get up, I'll see you later when you meet us for lunch."

I didn't argue with him, he had me up most of the night making love to me. I was sore and tired, I just wanted to lay in his arms and sleep. Or cuddle up with his pillow since he had to get up. "Have a good game," I mumbled to him when he came over to kiss me good bye.

Once he left, I fell back to sleep. I didn't wake up until just a half hour ago when I heard Alexis calling out. Reluctantly, I got out of bed, threw on some clothes and went to let her know I was awake.

I walked out into the kitchen with her, put her in her high chair while I went to get her breakfast - cheese whiz on toast with milk - when I saw something wrote on the magnetic pad on the fridge. On further inspection, I discovered that it was Reed's hand writing.

"I'm very jealous of my pillow right now," he wrote. "Save some loving for me."

I laughed out loud, Alexis gave me a funny look. "I'm getting your breakfast," I told her as I pulled the door to the fridge open. There was another note in there, it read, "I love you darling."

I just wanted to share that with you all before I headed out to the club to join Reed and Sean for lunch.

Who We'll Be

2007-10-27T03:05:00.000-06:00

"I found the perfect costumes for you and Alexis!" Reed exclaimed when he walked in the door a couple days ago after work. "It's probably the coolest idea ever!"

Reed loves Halloween. And I mean really loves it! It's almost the same as Christmas for him. At the end of last month, I came home to find bags of decorations all over the house and Reed up to his elbows in fake cobwebs. Inside and out, my house looks like a freakin' haunted house. He has even cleaned out the garage and with the help of Devon and Sean, he's set up a 'scary' place to hang out for the Halloween party he's been preparing for. Reed is in his glory and Alexis has finally stopped being scared of the life sized mummy in the living room.

"What did you find?" I was in the kitchen going through all my baking supplies to see if I had enough to make the list of treats that Reed found online and requested for the Halloween party that I mentioned already, the one he decided to throw for all of the kids at the day care on Halloween. He doesn't want to take Alexis out trick or treating, he says she's too young and she'd be tired and cranky if we do that. Apparently many of the other parents who bring their kids to the day care agreed with Reed, most of them jumped at the chance to bring their kids out to our house for the party.

When I told Nadine about the party, she volunteered to come over this weekend to help me with all the baking and as well as Tuesday to help with the last minute prep. My mom and Reed's mom have volunteered to come over for the party to help out and Janie said she would be there with bells on - Devon said 'literally' - I'm not sure what he meant by that and I'm not sure I want to know.

"Give me a minute," he threw over his shoulder as he scooped Alexis off the floor where she was banging on pots and pans she pulled from the cupboard.

"What are you up too?" I asked as I followed him down the hallway to Alexis' room.

"Stay in the kitchen!" He disappeared into her room and closed the door.

"Ok," I said slowly as I returned to the kitchen to add to my shopping list. I just finished my list when I heard Reed behind me. I turned around to see what he found. "That is so cute!" I rushed towards them, trying to get a better look at Alexis' costume. "What did daddy buy you?"

Reed put Alexis down on the floor as I knelt down in front of her. "Ohhhh," I cooed. "You look so adorable in your little sheep costume!" Alexis tugged at the satin piece that went down over her hands and gave me a look that spoke volumes, she wasn't so sure she liked the soft white chenille fur jumpsuit with black legs and cuffs with a matching character headpiece with its little ears and pink satin bows.

"You are going to be the cutest little girl at the party!" I told her while I gave her a big hug. "And you," I stood up with Alexis clinging to me and reached for Reed. "You are everything a woman could ever hope to find in a man! I love you and I love that you are such an amazing daddy."

Reed chuckled as his arms wrapped around Alexis and me. "I love you too," he kissed both of us. "Now," he smiled down at me. "It's your turn, go slip into your costume for me. It's in Alexis' room hanging over the rocking chair."

Excitedly, I turned to go down at the hall, wondering what he could've possible got for me. I stopped short, a sense of dread washed over me. "You didn't get me a sheep suit too, did you?"

"No!" He laughed out loud. "Oh God that would've been hilarious to see though, you in a sheep suit. Baa!"

"Baa!"

"Baa?" Alexis piped up and looked offended when we laughed.

I heard Reed asked Alexis if she wanted down as I neared her room. "Where are you going Lexi?" He called out and then said my name. I turned at her room door to see her coming towards me saying, 'baa, baa, baa, baa, baa'.

Once she was in her room with me, Alexis ran over to her toy box and started pulling everything out. "Reed honey, you might want to come take that costume off her before..." my voice trailed away as I spotted a white top and skirt with blue ribbon and little blue bows on it but it was the white staff with blue bow that made me laugh.

"Don't go laughing Bo Peep, just put that costume on." As he bent to scoop Alexis up, he said, "Come here little lost sheep."

While Reed played with Alexis, I stripped my sweats off and slipped into the knee lenght layered skirt; each of the four layers had blue ribbon weaved through the bottom edge. "Don't forget the stockings and shoes," he pointed to the bag that was hiding under the skirt.

Sitting down, I pulled out the white stockings and black flat, rounded toe shoes, with a little strap that he bought. Once both of those were on, I stood again to put on the boned bustier top. The top was trimmed with lace at both the waist and the chest and blue ribbon crisscrossed up the front, tied in a bow at the top. And then to top it off there was a white bonnet with blue ribbon weaved through it, which tied in the black to hold it on my head, and the staff.

"Well?" I stood in front of Reed and Alexis, waiting for his reaction.

"Perfect," he stood up and reached for me. "I think you should wear that around the house for a while," he whispered against my neck. "You look hot."

"Reed!" I giggled but didn't move away from him. "Thank you."

"No problem," he grinned and then told me that it took him a while to find this costume with the knee lenght skirt. "Everywhere I checked, on line and in the stores around here, it came with the high thigh skirt, which wasn't a problem for me but I didn't want all Alexis' friends to see where she came from!"

"Reed!" I slapped his shoulder. "That's not funny!"

"No?" I shook my head. "I'm sorry, I thought it was." He kissed the tip of my nose, his hands sliding down my back to cup my bum. "You like my costume choices?"

"Yes," I kissed him. "It's cute, Bo Peep and little sheep. But," I frowned. "What about you? What are you dressing up as?"

"Why a Shepard of course!" He chuckled. "I saw a little teddy bear costume and I thought about the two of us being bears as well, but damn I tried on the adult bear suit, it didn't work for me, too hot and bulky, we wouldn't be able to move around like we need to at the party. Then I thought Mary and little lamb for you and Alexis but then what would I be? The little lamb suit was so cute though, Alexis would've rocked it!"

"I guess there's always next year for Alexis to be a little lamb."

"Yes, there is but maybe next year it'll be Mary and her little lambs?"

The comment came out of no where, it surprised me. "What?" I stared up at him.

He shrugged, "I was just thinking out loud, that's all."

"Oh." That's right, that's all I could say. Reed moved away mumbling something about changing Alexis and then getting something for supper.

After supper, while I was out picking up the stuff I needed for the party still, Reed's comment was running around inside my head. He had joked about having another baby before, he even jokingly told Janie we were trying but it was the first time he ever mentioned it seriously.

Does that mean that all the other times, he wasn't joking? He would like to start trying for another baby?

A couple months ago, the idea of another baby with him right now would have scared me a little because I wasn't sure about us but now? I would love to share that experience with him. I think he would be supportive and caring, maybe a little too much at times, but he would be there to experience everything. He wouldn't miss any of the firsts with our second child, which would mean the world to both of us.

But how would Alexis react to having another baby around? Would she be jealous? Or will she be fine?

I guess if Reed's grandmother has her way, there won't be another baby for us until he slips a wedding band on my finger. Not that I'm going to stop him from making love to me over a ring.

We'll see what happens. We already did the baby before marriage thing once and it's not like we don't love our little girl any less because of it. Another baby before marriage wouldn't upset me.

But marriage before another baby wouldn't ruin my dreams either!

One Track Mind

2007-10-23T08:22:00.000-06:00

Since last week I've been expecting Reed to say something about an engagement ring or to talk about getting married but he hasn't. It's driving me crazy! I know I should be patient and wait for him to make the proposal but I just want to grab him and tell him that I want to get married - NOW!

God it's funny, a couple months ago I was telling him I didn't want to even think about marriage. Now it's all I think about. I've been secretly browsing Bridal magazines while I'm out shopping. I've already know what type of dress I want, I've picked out the cake, flowers, and invitations already. Well, I know which ones I want to have. I even know what dress I want my little flower girl, our beautiful little girl, to wear.

And if that's not crazy enough for you, I've caught myself writing "Amber Johnson" on a couple cheques the other day!

ARGH!

I know I could take matters into my own hands, I could ask him to marry me but I know he'll be upset if I do that. Reed is a romantic, I'm sure you all know this by now. I know that he has thought about asking me to marry him, he told me that he was going to ask me before I moved away. I'm 100% certain that he has some sort of plan and time line. I know it'll be so romantic and wonderful when he does ask me. I don't want to miss out on that moment by asking him to marry me.

Sigh.

So I will wait.

Maybe if I stop obsessing over it, he'll ask me.

Moved

2007-10-19T11:38:00.000-06:00

I moved to here so Amber could have her space back and to avoid the confusion over whose post you were reading...

Shining Star

2007-10-18T09:01:00.000-06:00

After work yesterday, Alexis and I decided to head to grocery store to do a little shopping. Well I guess I decided to go, Alexis really had no choice in the matter but she didn't complain either. Then again, if I was getting pushed around in a cart and given a cookie at the beginning of my ride, I wouldn't complain either.

"What do you think daddy would like for supper?" We were standing in front of the prepared meals section of the deli, Alexis was really getting a kick out of the whole chickens on rotisserie as they slowly made their rounds. "One of those?" I asked her when she pointed to the glass. "Ok," I smiled. "Mommy can make some mashed potatoes and gravy when we get home," I told her as I placed the chicken in the cart. "Oh! Maybe daddy would also like some corn?"

"Ahhh!" Alexis squealed as she turned around to see where I put the bagged chicken.

"I'll take that as a yes," I kissed the top of her head. "I love you so much."

We only spent a total of twenty minutes in the store from the moment we got in until we went through the cash. It was probably the fastest time I've ever had!

Back at the Jeep, I strapped Alexis into her car seat, loaded the groceries into the back and parked the cart in the cart return before hopping in myself.

I was about to pull out of the parking stall when my cell phone rang. After putting the Jeep back in park, I pulled my cell out. "Hello?"

"Hello darling, how are you doing?"

I couldn't help but smile, every time Reed calls me, I feel like I did the first time we ever spoke on the phone. I told him that Alexis and I were about to head home, "We had to make a stop at the grocery store first though. We should be home within 15 minutes."

"That's good," he said. "So you didn't start dinner yet then?"

"No, but we did pick up some thing for dinner. You know those chickens we've been meaning to try for a while? I got one of those and thought I could whip up some mash potatoes and gravy. What do you say? Does it sound good?"

"Yeah..."

I frowned, "Reed what's wrong? If you don't feel like having that, I can make something else."

"No Amber, it's not that."

"Well what is it?"

"See...the thing is..." Reed sighed. "Sean just called me up, he asked if I could go grab a bite to eat with him, he wants to talk about something. I told him I was sure that I could but I wanted to make sure that you didn't mind."

"Oh."

"Do you?" Reed asked. "Do you mind if I hang out with Sean for a couple hours?" He paused and like it was an afterthought, he quickly said. "I don't have too if you wanted me to come home, I'm sure he'll understand."

"It's ok Reed," I told him. "You can go hang out with Sean whenever you need too, I'm glad that you called to let me know that you wouldn't be home."

"You aren't mad?"

I chuckled, "I'm not mad. Alexis and I will just have ourselves a girls evening. Have fun with Sean and I'll see you when you get home."

"Ok," he sounded happier now. "Love you darling."

"I love you too," I smiled into the phone before hanging up. "Well," I turned back to look at Alexis. "Looks like daddy has other plans for dinner tonight, it's just you and me."

When we got home, after all the stuff I bought was put away, I debated calling Janie to see what she was doing but when I picked up the phone to dial her I remembered that she mentioned she was meeting Devon for dinner at the club. She didn't sound too excited about it though. When I asked her about it, she told me that she just had a lot on her mind.

I really wish she would tell me more about what's going on with Devon but since the night that I interrupted their meal, she's been vague when it comes to him. Not that I really blame her, if she tells me how she feels, I tend to argue Devon's case and I know that's not what she wants, she wants me to be in her corner and feel her pain. I don't see the way he talks to her or treats her when I'm not around, all I know is what he tells me and what I see, all those moments point to Devon being really serious about Janie this time around.

I don't know. Maybe she found what she's looking for from him last night. I hope so. I want her to be happy.

For dinner, I still had the chicken. I made a sandwich for me and for Alexis, I warmed up a potato that was left over from the night before, cut it up into small pieces, with some chicken.

It was still early when we were done our dinner, so I decided to head into town, to the mall, to kill some time. I was going with the idea to take Alexis to the small play area at the mall for a few minutes. She loved that area, she liked sliding down the slide the most out of all of it.

To get to the play area, I had to pass by a few stores and the food court. As we were walking, I stopped short in front of the jewelry store, remembering that I had to pick up a ring of Reed's that I put in to be repaired a couple weeks ago.

While I was waiting for the guy behind the counter to finish with the customer he was helping, Alexis and I began to look around.

I was admiring a couple engagement rings when a lady popped out of nowhere. "Would you like to try one on?"

"No," I started to step back as she unlocked the little door behind the rings.

"Are you sure?"

"Well..." I glanced down at Alexis, she didn't say 'hurry up mom, I'm bored' so I said, "Sure, why not?" She asked me what I wanted to see and I pointed to a couple rings.

I had tried on two that I wasn't too happy with after they were on my finger when the lady gave a little gasp. "I thought I knew who you were!" She exclaimed before starting in on a story of how her mom and my mom have been working together on some charity event for the pass ten years. "You are seeing Reed Johnson," her eyes went wide. "Are you...?" Her gaze went to my ring finger.

"No," I shook my head. "We aren't talking about marriage." It was true, we haven't talked about marriage at all. And that was a sore spot for me. I didn't think I wanted to get married yet, I know I told him that when I made all these changes in my life but now I wasn't so sure. "I'm just seeing what's out there," I told her with a smile. "If he does ask me to marry him, I want to be sure I know what I'd want in a ring!"

"Oh, I know what you mean," she launched into another story of how she had been dating her husband for a while and when he asked her to marry him, he had picked out the ugliest ring. "I had to exchange it, I couldn't wear it. It was like he didn't even know what I like and I know that's not true, I told him what I liked."

I smiled at her but I couldn't help but think that it would be wrong to return a ring that your man picked out for you with great hopes in mind. I didn't know if I could do that to Reed, I would feel like it would send him the message that he wasn't good enough, somehow.

"Do you see anything else you would like?" She asked me and then started to suggest rings for me to try on. I tried on a couple but they weren't me, so I kept looking.

"That one," I gasped as I jabbed my finger downwards a little harder than I meant too. "I think that's the one!"

The lady pulled out the ring I was talking about and 'ooh'ed. "Yes this one is very beautiful," she lifted it from its display and held it out to me. "Can you see your boyfriend down on one knee, holding this ring out as he asked you to marry him?"

I nodded, unable to speak as I stared at the ring. My hand was actually shaking when I reached for it. "Ohhh," I chuckled nervously as I slipped it onto my finger. It was perfect. It was everything I wanted it to be. I wanted to buy it and run home to give it to Reed to give to me when he felt the time was right.

"It seems like it was made for you," the lady commented.

I couldn't do anything but stare at the ring on my finger. "How many diamonds are in this ring?" I asked as I started to count them.

"34, plus the main stone."

"Oh my."

"The front and back are set with 12 stones each and each side as five leading up to the main stone."

"And it's white gold?"

The lady shook her head, "No honey that ring there is Platinum, it tends to run a little more on the pricey side but it does look splendid, wouldn't you agree?"

I nodded and she continued. "And that ring as part of a set, the wedding band is set with 9 diamonds." She reached back to the display and pulled out the wedding band. "Try it on."

I felt giddy as I slipped the wedding band on with the engagement ring. Seriously, there were butterflies in my tummy as I gazed down at them. "I want these," I whispered.

"Well for the set it -"

"No!" I exclaimed a little louder than I planned on, everyone in the store glanced over at us. "Sorry," I muttered before telling her that I didn't want to know how much the set was. "If Reed decides to ask me to marry him, he's the only one who needs to know how much he spent on the rings."

The lady nodded, showing me she understood and then suggested that sign up for some kind of registry that would help insure that I get the rings I want when Reed was ready to buy them. I was thinking about that and staring at the rings on my finger when someone tapped me on the shoulder.

I glanced over my shoulder. "Sean!" I shoved my left hand into my jacket pocket. "What are you doing here?"

"Waiting for Reed to come out of the bathroom," he made a show of looking around me and at the display case I was standing in front of. "What are you doing?"

"I..." I quickly looked around the area to see what else was close by that I could say I was looking at but there wasn't anything besides more engagement rings.

"Yes?" He raised a brow as he grinned knowingly.

I spotted the man I was waiting to finish when I first came in. "Reed's ring!" I blurted out. "I was here to pick it up, it was being fixed." I started to walk away when the saleslady called out to me.

"Miss Sands could I have the rings back please?"

"Rings?" Sean leaned against the counter. "What rings Amber?"

"Miss Sands?" The lady seemed to be getting a little uneasy and I couldn't blame her, I was going to walk away with a couple expensive rings on.

"Right," I went back to the counter, turning my back to Sean so he couldn't see but he was tall enough to look over my shoulder as I placed the set on the counter. "Sorry." I went to get out of there but Sean grabbed my arm and held me in place as he asked the sales lady if he could check out the rings.

"Wow," he let out a low whistle. "That's a piece of work alright."

"Just give it back to her Sean," I tried to take it from him but he wouldn't let me.

"Doing a little 'wish' list shopping are you Amber?" He handed the ring back tot he lady. "Thank you."

I crossed my arms. "I was really here to pick up Reed's ring."

"Of course," he smiled. "Where is it?" He scanned Alexis' stroller. "I don't see a jewelry bag."

"I didn't get it yet," I snapped.

"Oh," he nodded. "Of course, you were distracted, I understand."

"Please don't tell Reed," I begged him. "We haven't talked about marriage, I don't want him to think I'm pressuring him to make a choice."

Sean frowned, "Pressure him? Amber you were only looking at rings, how would he see that as pressure?"

I shrugged, "We haven't talked about it, I don't know if he wants to marry me. I just don't want him to think he has too if he's not entertaining those thoughts."

He started to sputtered, like he was trying to say so many things at once. I wanted to ask him what he was trying to say but Alexis alerted us to Reed's arrival by yelled out 'dada'.

"Hey," Reed came over to us with a big smile on his face. "This is a surprise," he leaned down to give Alexis a kiss. "Hello princess, are you having fun with mommy?" He laughed when Alexis giggled. "And how about you?" He straightened up and pulled me into his arms. "How are you doing my love?"

"Good," I told him before giving him a kiss on the lips. "We were going to head to the play area for a couple minutes."

"Oh," Reed gazed down at Alexis. "Are you going to go down the slide?" She nodded her head. "So what are you doing here?"

"I remembered that your ring was back," I told him.

And Sean jumped in, "Yeah, it's all fixed."

Reed gave him a funny look. Sean must've motioned or something because his eyes lowered to the display case behind me. "Amber...?" He didn't look happy.

I gave him a kiss on the cheek. "Well we better get going if Alexis is going to slide. It's getting late." I quickly started to make my way out of the store.

I had gotten about one store lenght when Reed fell into step beside me, "You were looking at engagement rings?"

"Yes...no...well maybe."

"Well which is it?"

I sighed and stopped walking. Turning to him, I told him that I ended up looking at engagement rings instead of picking up his ring, which I really did go in there for.

"Oh," was all he said.

"I can't help it," I told him. "I've been thinking about it lately and the rings were there and so I looked." He nodded. "I didn't think you or Sean were close, I didn't think I would get 'caught' checking them out either."

"You want an engagement ring?"

"Yes...no...I..." He frowned. "Damn! I love you and yes, I've been thinking about our future and whether or not we'll get married. I can't help it! But you haven't said anything and we haven't talked about it so I didn't want to say anything. I didn't want you to know that I was looking at them, I asked Sean not to say anything."

He rubbed his forehead with his fingers before asking me, "Why?" as Sean called out to him.

"I didn't want you to think that you have to ask me. I don't want you to feel pressured to make that move if you didn't want too."

He stared down at me and for once, I couldn't read his expression, I didn't know if he was mad or relieved. Sean called out to him again, he glanced over his shoulder briefly. "I have to go," he told me. "Sean needed to do some stuff here and then we were going to go out for a drink."

I nodded and mumbled something about Alexis and the slide.

Reed kissed Alexis and me before he turned to meet up with Sean again. He had gotten about five feet away from me when he turned back and said, "Oh Amber? Don't worry, I don't feel pressure to do anything."

'I don't feel pressure to do anything.' What the hell does that mean? I've been trying to figure that out all night but I went to bed no wiser. Reed came home later than I expected him too, he was a little drunk, which I didn't expect either.

I don't know what to think anymore.

It Should Be A Good Thing!

2007-10-15T14:02:00.000-06:00

I was sitting in the middle of DWs last night with Cary, debating whether or not we were going to play a game of pool or just sit and hang out when my cell phone rang. "It's Devon," I told him after looking at the caller id before flipping my phone open.

The waitress came by to see if we needed anything else as I said 'hello', Cary asked for another drink for the both of us.

"I take it that was Cary," was the first thing Devon said to me.

"Wow, it's nice to hear your voice too," I replied sarcastically.

Devon ignored it. "I had hoped that you would be free to come join me for a few hours now that I'm home but I guess there's no chance of that now."

I wanted to join him but I'll be damned if the way he said that made me angry. "Well would you blame me?" I asked him. "It's not like you are making it sound like you really want me there."

The waitress bought our drinks, which surprised me, I had forgotten that Cary was sitting across from me. My stomach turned when I looked up to find him staring at me, with a smile on his face.

I didn't want him to be smiling! I wanted him to mind his own business. And yes, I did want to see Devon but damn it! I'm stubborn!

"Why don't you come down here?" I challenged him.

"Hell no!" He snapped. "I'm not in the mood to see that little pissant or to watch you flirt with him. I'm tired and I want to relax in my own home, with my girl. Do you think that's possible?"

"Not with the way you are talking to me, it's not." Inside I was singing from hearing him say I was his girl.

"Janie," he groaned. "Please come over."

"I just got a new drink," I told him. "It would be rude for me to leave it without attempting to drink it." I really didn't care about the drink but those words were ones I heard from him a number of times when we had dated before.

"Fine," he sighed. "I'm going to bed." Click.

"Fucker," I snapped my phone closed.

"Something wrong?" Cary sounded concerned but the look in his eyes didn't match his voice.

"No," I grabbed my purse. "I have to go," I told him as I slipped out of the booth we've been occupying for the last couple hours.

"Have to?" He stood with me. "Devon demanding you leave at once and glue yourself to his side?"

"No!" I glared at him. "Devon doesn't tell me what to do! I want to go, it's getting late and I have to work in the morning."

Cary glanced at his watch. "It's only nine Janie."

"I know," I told him. "Just don't ask, I want to go home."

"Ok," he grabbed my jacket and held it up for me to slip into. "If you ever need to talk," he said as he helped me into my jacket. "Just give me a call, I'll listen."

"Things are fine Cary," I flashed him a smile.

"Are they really?" He slipped his jacket on as I nodded. "Ok," he motioned towards the front. "If you say so but I have to tell you, I'm starting to wonder because you spend an awful lot of time with me."

I didn't say anything to that, I knew it was true, I have been spending a lot of time with him. I hate to admit it but I was doing it because he was doing something Devon wasn't, he was paying attention to me, showing me that he really liked spending time with me.

I left DW's last night with the plan to go straight home but once I got on the road, I found myself driving to Devon's place.

The whole time it took me to drive to his place and walk to his front door, I rehearsed what I would say to him.

But ten minutes later, I wanted to scream and cry because I was still standing on his door step waiting for him to answer his door. He never came to the door, he didn't answer his phone when I called him either.

And his car was sitting in front of the building.

I cried myself to sleep last night. I told myself that I deserved it if he was snuggling up with another woman already, I certainly wasn't giving him an signs that he would be snuggling up to me anytime soon.

I know everyone thinks I'm nuts for my behaviour when it comes to Devon but damn it let's face it, he's never been faithful to a woman in his entire life and he hasn't lowered that wall around his heart to let me in enough to feel that I really mean something to him.

I don't want to play this game with him. I don't want to be hurt again. I know I'm holding him at arm's lenght and waiting for him to show me a reason not too is probably getting in the way of whatever happiness I could have with him.

I'm scared....oh...hold on a second, I have a delivery.

OH MY FREAKING GOD! You all should see the bouquet of flowers I have sitting on my desk at the moment! OH MY GOD!

Yes, I'm at work, it was a boring day so I decided to post here to kill some time.

The flowers, I love them. I was going to call Devon to tell him I loved them but Joey stopped me, she found the card that came with them. "You didn't see Devon last night, did you?" She's my closest friend at work, I told her about my night when I came in this morning.

"No, why?"

"I don't think you want to be calling him then," she cleared her throat and read the card. "Thank you for last night."

"What??" I ripped the card from her hands. "Noway, these have to be from Devon! Cary wouldn't..." I read the words and my heart dropped. "No," I sunk back into my chair. "What have I done?"

Joey has gone out to run an errand and I just spent the last couple minutes staring at the beautiful bouquet of white & pink roses, nestled in a bed of baby's breath and mauve lilacs. I wanted so badly for these flowers to be from Devon, I went online to look up the meanings of all of them.

Let's just say, according to the site I looked at...I think Joey is right, Devon couldn't have sent them....

Roses - white & pink....I love you still and always will...
Lilac, mauve...do you still love me?
Baby's Breath...happiness

Damn it! damn it! DAMN IT!

I think I'm in trouble here.

Just Going Along

2007-10-14T08:04:00.001-06:00

My week started out pretty good, with a holiday. There's nothing wrong with having a long weekend, I love it when I have three days off but, is it just me, or does a four day work week seem to drag out much more than a normal 5 day week?

I wasn't planning on doing anything for Thanksgiving, my mom hasn't been in the mood for holidays since my dad left, so I figured that I would just ignore the day; not that sitting at home watching my mom get drunk and go off on how much my dad ruined her life - how she gave up everything for him and he never gave her a damn thing - was exactly the most exciting thing in the world to do.

Amber had invited me to join in her Thanksgiving with Reed's and Sean's family but seriously? Who wanted to be there for that? I didn't see it going well at all, it couldn't, they were family and doing something with family was the best way to ruin a holiday. I have to say, I admire Amber for taking all that on, hosting Thanksgiving for your man's newly discovered brother? Wouldn't be me, that's all I have to say. And while I think she was crazy for doing it, I understand that she wanted too so that Sean wouldn't feel like he didn't belong, so he wouldn't leave.

I also had another invitation, Cary invited me to go to his grandparents for Thanksgiving with his family. I told him that it would be uncomfortable considering that we weren't together anymore and they all knew how I cheated on him with Devon while we were engaged.

"It doesn't matter," he tried really hard to convince me of that but in the end, I declined. He asked me if I was sure. "I don't want you to spend Thanksgiving alone," he told me. When I told him I wouldn't be alone, that mom would be there, he just gave me this look that spoke volumes.

Devon had mentioned something about his family's yearly reservation at the club Sunday night when I saw him but he never outright asked me to be there. Hell, he didn't even hint that he wanted me there. With things a little stained between us, I wasn't about to assume that he wanted me to be there.

Monday morning, I was seated at my kitchen table, bored out of my skull. I didn't think not doing anything for Thanksgiving would get to me but as I sat there with a tub of Smartie Ice Cream in front of my and a big spoon in my hand, I really wanted to cry.

"I'm very thankful to you Nestle," I said bleakly as I scooped out a spoonful and held it up to my mouth. "Screw eating them last; I eat the red ones with a lot of ice cream."

I was on my third spoonful when I heard a thump from upstairs, but I didn't even bother to check it out, mom was sleeping off another 'headache'.

"Who needs turkey when you have a tub of ice cream to keep you company?" I wondered out loud. "And it's a lot cheaper too!"

Ok, so I was miserable. I wanted to call Amber up to tell her that I would be over, if the offer still stood. Hell, I was even thinking that it wouldn't be too late to call Cary and see if I could tag along with him. I was damned if I was going to call Devon.

By the fifth spoonful, I stared down at the ice cream and sighed, might as well get fat. I was about to dig in for the sixth spoonful when a knock sounded at the door. I was going to ignore it because I wasn't expecting anyone but the knocking continued.

I made my way through the living room to the front door. "What?" I snapped as I flung the door open.

"Hey there ba - why aren't you ready?" Devon looked horrified as his eyes travelled down over my old pj pants and ratty t-shirt. "You can't go to the club looking like that!"

"I'm not going to the club," I told him. "So what does it matter what I wear?"

"Janie!" I had turned away from him, he closed the door and followed me back to the kitchen where I picked up my spoon again. "What are you doing? You are going to ruin your appetite," he took the spoon from me. "Look, just go upstairs, shower, change, whatever you have to do. It's getting late, we have to be there in a half hour."

"I don't have to be anywhere," I yanked the spoon from him. "I wasn't invited."

"Weren't invit...Janie! I told you last night we were going to the club with my parents." He pulled out a chair and sat down. "Come on baby don't do this today, please?"

I was feeling very defiant but I was also feeling a little alone and depressed from sitting there by myself. "Ok," I handed him back the spoon. "I'll go but you really have to work on your 'invitations' because telling me that your parents are having dinner at the club like they always do it a hell of a lot different than asking me if I would like to join your family for Thanksgiving."

I didn't give him a chance to say anything, I was on my way towards the stairs. "Oh," I turned to him. "Don't eat all my ice cream while I'm in the shower."

We arrived at the club a little later than he wanted too. "Come on," he motioned to me as he spotted his parents in the busy restaurant.

He started to walk on but I stopped, I hadn't been to the club that much, I was feeling a little nervous about walking in there. "Devon," I called after him. "Please wait a minute."

"We're late," he told me but he did stop.

"I know," I told him as I stared up into his handsome face. "How do I look?"

His lips turned up into a slight grin as his eyes trailed down over the baby blue satin dress that clung to every curve of my body. "You look good," he told me when his eyes came back up. Well up as far as my breasts anyway. "Come let's go." He started on his way once again but stopped when he realized that I wasn't following. "What's wrong now?"

"Nothing," I started forward. "I guess it's too much to ask that you pretend you want to be here with me."

"What is that supposed to mean?" His hand circled around my arm, preventing me from going any further.

"I mean," I glanced over my shoulder at him. "You didn't ask me to come with you, you expected I would. When I get ready in the shortest time possible, you didn't even saw anything about how I looked. We get here and you don't even wait for me, you run ahead as if you are ashamed to be seen with me. Is this how it's always going to be Devon?"

"I don't know what you are talking about," he said defensively. "You wouldn't be here if I didn't want you to be. What more do you want from me?"

I stepped back from him, "What more do I want from you?" I shook my head. "I don't want anything more than you want to give me Devon."

He stared down at me for a moment before asking, "What does that mean?"

"Everyone tells me that you love me but yet every time you get a chance to show me, you don't." I gazed off over the heads of all the people in the dining room before turning to him once again. "I want you to love me Devon, I don't want to have any more of these lingering doubts," I offered him my hand. "Is that too much to ask for?"

He didn't say a word as he took my hand and tucked it into the crook of his arm.

I wish I could say that he started to show me now much he loved me after that but dinner went off without any sign of love from him than he's already done. His parents were great, they were happy to see me and excited about the fact that we were back together but inside I was hurting.

I haven't seen Devon at all since Monday, he had business out of town that kept him away. He did call me every night, to talk but we didn't seem to really talk about the main issue, we skated around it. I guess I didn't want to get into it over the phone, and maybe he didn't either. He is supposed to be getting back into town later today and he wanted to meet up with me but in true Devon style, he waited until the last minute to tell me; I had already made plans with Cary.

Which pissed Devon off.

Busy Weekend - Part Two

2007-10-11T14:12:00.000-06:00

From the time we left the restaurant Saturday afternoon up until Sunday afternoon, Sean had called me about twenty time or more, thanking me for being so thoughtful. "I never had anyone do something this big for me before," he told me repeatedly. "I can't thank you enough, you have no idea how much I really needed to see them."

I would tell him that it wasn't me he should be thanking, it was his sister Gina, she was the one who called me and asked me to help her plan this. "She's really the one you should be talking too."

"You know, she downplayed her part in all this when I spoke to her too." Sean laughed, "Whoever did it, I'm really grateful that they did."

Now if you all noticed, I said until Sunday afternoon. That's because Sunday afternoon was the moment his family decided to come over to help me with some prep before Monday's meal. Prep I didn't even know I was going to be doing, or should I say, baking I didn't know I was going to be doing.

By the time Sunday night rolled around, I had so many pies, rolls and other baked goods in my house, I thought I was opening a bakery!

Reed loved it! He couldn't help but commenting on the yummy aroma from all the baked goods and he tried to sweet talk me into letting him sample bits of all of it.

I was grumpy, after pretty much being told I didn't have enough food planned for this meal, having my menu changed completely and even the way I planned on serving it changed, I just wanted to get it over with.

So when he made those comments, I cracked, I told him if he wanted fresh baked goods all the time the he was living with the wrong girl. "I work," I snapped. "I don't have time to waste in the kitchen! We have a daughter who demands all the time that working and being with you doesn't occupy!"

"Hey!" He grabbed hold of my hands, pulling me down on the couch next to him. "Darling you need to relax, I'm not asking you to start baking all the time, I just said it smelt good in here and wanted to know if I could have something now."

"I'm sorry," I snuggled up to him, burying my face against his chest. "I just want everything to be perfect for your brother but I spent most of the day being told it wasn't good enough."

"Amber," he kissed the top of my head. "That's not what I heard," when I looked up at him he said it wasn't. "I heard them say that these other things were stuff they always have. Don't think of it as them saying what you have isn't enough but as them trying to do the same thing you are, trying to make this Thanksgiving perfect for everyone."

I know what he was saying was right but still it hurt to have someone come in at the last minute and change things on me. Maybe I was just too controlling.

Or maybe Sean's family wasn't going to fit in with us that easily.

Then again, I could be too emotional.

I mean, why else would I have actually been the one to ruin the Thanksgiving that I worked so hard to make wonderful?

That's right, I said me...I'm the one who made the big scene this year. I'm the one who made Sean's family feel uncomfortable.

And it all started of so innocently with Alexis standing at the door watching Reed and the other men outside while all of the women were in the kitchen getting dinner ready.

"Dadadadadada!" She started off with just 'dada' but it didn't get any response, so she changed to a steady stream of it and it got louder and louder the longer she stood there. "Dadadadadadada!"

The women in Sean's family tried to get her attention, showing her different toys as they tempted to lure her away from the door but she didn't want them or the toys they offered, she wanted to be outside with her dad.

I didn't blame her, I wanted to be outside with him too. It had been a long week and we barely seen him, so we were both missing him.

"Just plop her down with some toys, or a video," Gertie told me after five minutes of Alexis calling out to Reed. "She'll soon lose interest."

Lynn told me that I should give Alexis some little task to do for dinner, "that will keep her from interrupting the men."

Not wanting to be rude, I did what both of them suggested but each time Alexis went back to the door and started her 'dadadadadada' call all over again.

Every five seconds it seemed that someone was calling out to her, trying to get her away from the door. At least Sean's family was, my mother and Reed's mother, who weren't really doing much to help with dinner were saying that it was normal for Alexis to want to spent time with her dad.

"Alexis," I called out to her and she turned to me. "Come see mommy." I knelt down and she came running over to me, her little face screwed up as she huffed at me while pointing to the door, "Dada."

"Just give her some of this," I turned to see Gertie holding out a cookie which Alexis batted away when I tried to give it to her.

"Dada!" She wiggled in my arms and cried while staring at the closed door.

"Maybe she needs a nap," Lynn suggested.

It was getting too much for me, Alexis' calling out, everyone throwing their two cents in on the matter, I had enough.

"No," I scooped Alexis off the floor. "She wants to be outside playing with her daddy." Amid protests of sending Alexis outside, I dressed her for just that.

I left the grumbling behind as I opened the door and walked through it. Alexis was grinning so happily as the cool air hit her face, "Dada!" She exclaimed, almost bouncing in my arms.

Off in the distance, down by the lake, Reed was running around playing some kind of game with Sean, Landon and Dwight. My father, Roger, Mack and Tom were all seated around the patio table having a drink and shooting the breeze. When they saw me come out, Mack asked me if dinner was ready.

"No," I smiled at him. "Alexis just wanted to come outside to be with Reed." I started off towards the gate that separated the house from the lake when I heard him make some comment about watching children being the woman's job. "Excuse me?" I had hoped I didn't hear him right.

"My poor ol' mum, God rest her soul, would have ten underfoot and still turned out amazing meals all the time. She didn't complain once."

I raised a brow as I looked around the table - Tom was nodding his head in agreement but my father and Roger weren't saying anything.

"It's a shame," Mack said to the other men. "That young people today don't know what's right and what's wrong."

"Excuse me?" I shifted Alexis onto my hip and stared down at him. I must have spoken a little louder than I thought because the house door opened and everyone seemed to be watching - except for the guys down on the beach, who couldn't hear us.

"I'm just saying that's all."

"You are just saying what?" I asked him as I heard my mother say my name. "No mom, I really want to hear what he has to say."

"Well little lady, I'm just saying that a woman's role is to cook and clean and look after the youngsters."

"And the man's role is what?"

"Why to provide for that family!"

"Oh!" I looked down at Alexis, who was struggling to get down. "Well around here, if my daughter wants to play with her dad then she's doing just that! He helped make her, and he can damn well do his part to make sure she's happy!" I stomped off, knowing that I probably shouldn't have said that but who were they to tell me that Alexis wasn't allowed to play with Reed?

I made a beeline straight for Reed when I got to the beach, he seemed a little surprised to see us. "Hello my love," he gave me a big smile which started to falter as he came closer. "What's wrong?" He put his hands on my arms, looking into my eyes, searching for an answer.

"Alexis wanted to play," I told him. "But everyone thinks I'm a bad mother because I'm bringing her down here to you instead of watching her myself." Reed took Alexis from me and asked me what I was talking about. Sniffing, I told him about the last few moments, "They think I'm a bad mother Reed." He pulled me close and I continued. "I just wanted everything to be perfect and I ruined it!"

"Darling you didn't ruin it," Reed kissed the top of my head. "If Alexis wants to come play out here, it's fine, you know I love spending time with her."

"But Sean's family..." I groaned, "He's not going to be happy when he finds out I was rude."

"You weren't rude," I heard Sean say but I was too ashamed to look at him. "My family are a little backwards in some of their thinking, I know they didn't mean to insult you Amber."

"I'm sorry," I turned to him. "I didn't mean to snap at them."

Sean shrugged, "Don't worry about it, it'll be forgotten in a moment." He gave me a one armed hug and told me once again how happy he was.

I went back to the house but I still felt like crap, I tried to apologize for my behaviour but Sean was right, his family had already moved past it. His mother told me not to worry about it, that Mack never did think before he spoke. "We don't always stop to think that there are some people in this world who live by a different set of rules," she squeezed my hand. "It doesn't mean we are wrong, or right, it just means that we are different. And if that young man of yours is happy and you are happy, then that's all that should matter."

Ok, so maybe I didn't totally ruin Thanksgiving but for a moment, it felt like I did.

Overall I guess you should say everything turned out alright. We eat, talked and laughed all through dinner and a couple hours afterwards. Everyone said they had a great time and hoped that we could do it again soon.

Some one suggested getting together for Christmas...

...I think as long as someone else was holding it, I was all for it.

Busy Weekend - Part One

2007-10-09T03:50:00.000-06:00

As I told you all last week, I invited all of Sean's family down for Thanksgiving - partly so we could meet them but mainly so Sean wouldn't feel so miserable here when the only family he has known were hours away celebrating without him. I wanted this to be a surprise for Sean, so I didn't tell anyone besides Reed about my plans and he thought it was a good idea not too.

Well, maybe I should've told them, then maybe they wouldn't have been so upset when they found out that his family was in town. And maybe they wouldn't have been so mad at me for 'trying to control things and making decisions about the family when I had no right to do so'.

Sorry! I thought their son's happiness was the most important thing in all this and Sean wanted to see his family!

Friday night I got a call from Sean's sister Gina, she called to say that her parents, Rae and Dwight, and Landon and her were all checked into the hotel. "I just want to thank you," she told me at the end of the call. "I know my brother will be so happy when he sees us all again!" She went on to tell me that Mack, Lynn and Bonnie were coming too. "I don't know when they were going to check in but mom did say that they were going to be here tonight."

I didn't hear from Mack until the next morning; they were late getting in but they were here now and that's all that mattered.

We had made plans before they came here that we would all get together for lunch on Saturday so that we could meet everyone and Sean would know that his family hadn't forgotten about him like he thought they had.

The only problem was, breaking the news to Lucinda, Roger and Madeline. Let's just say they weren't too happy that we were setting them up to meet Sean's family without warning. There were complaints about our methods, where we planned to go for lunch and the fact that we planned on having Thanksgiving dinner at our place instead of the club, where they've been having dinner for years.

It was so bad, their reaction, I was actually in tears and had to leave the room. Reed stayed behind, his voice carried as he told his family to stop being so selfish. "This is Sean's first Thanksgiving with us, he misses his family and Amber was only trying to make him feel more at home here. Do you think that he's used to going to the club for a 'family dinner'? No! He's used to his mother -"

"She's not his mother!" I heard Lucinda exclaimed.

"She is his mother!" Reed told her. "She's the only one he never knew and he's used to her cooking dinner, not ordering it from a menu!"

"Why is Amber trying to hurt us?"

Reed groaned, "She's not trying to hurt you mom, she's trying to make Sean feel like he belongs and if bringing his family here, meeting them, and cooking dinner from scratch is what makes him feel like he belongs, then that's what she's determined to do! And I stand behind her 100%!"

In the end, we all went to the restaurant in the hotel where they were all staying. I thought it would be best if we met with them for a few minutes before Sean got there so we could get to know them a little and it wouldn't be so awkward for him.

I guess I was being naive, thinking that it would go smoothly. It wasn't completely horrible but you could see the judgement on Reed's families faces the moment they spotted Sean's family. Then again, I guess they didn't realize just how different Sean's upbringing was, that 'dressed up' for them (the men anyway) was their favorite cowboy boots and hat with a pair of jeans and a dress shirt not a pressed shirt and tie with a pair of dress pants. That wasn't the only difference but it was the first one that we noticed when we walked into the restaurant.

And I have to say, I was very disappointed when I heard Madeline mutter, "Oh my Lord, they are a bunch of hicks!"

"Madeline!" I gave her a dirty look, I didn't care for one moment that she was the head of Reed's family, with that attitude she would alienate her oldest grandson and I didn't want that to happen, I wanted Sean to be at home with us because of Reed. "Come on honey," I smiled up at Reed as I slipped my hand in his. "Let's go meet our new family." Sean's family hadn't noticed our arrival at the restaurant, so they didn't see the judgemental looks in every one's eyes when they saw them, which I was very grateful for.

As Reed and I made our way over to their table, one of the older men looked up, smiled brightly and then slowly the smile disappeared. At first I didn't realize why but as we reached the table, he stood up and with his eyes on Reed, he introduced himself as Mack.

"For a moment there I thought you were my boy!" He laughed as he stared at Reed. "Sean said you guys looked alike but hotdamn! you could be his twin!" He pulled Reed into a big bear hug, "Good to meet you," he said when he released him and turned his attention to me. "You have to be Amber," he said. I nodded and he went right to Alexis, who was staring at him with an amused look on her face. "Oh aren't you a pretty little thing!" He took Alexis from me, "Come give Papaw Mack some sugar!" Alexis let out little squeals of laughter as Mack rubbed his whiskers against her soft cheek.

"Mack where are your manners?" The lady who was sitting beside him when we came in was not standing, looking at us as she held out her hand. "You'll have to forgive my husband, he just loves them babies. I'm Lynn," she smiled and then introduced us to her daughter Bonnie before pointing out Sean's mother. "Gertie will take it from here."

Gertie introduced her family and then I introduced Reed's family to all of them. About ten minutes had passed from the time we walked in until that moment and we only had about twenty more to use to get to know each other better before Sean was supposed to arrive.

And I'll be damned if the little bugger didn't show up ten minutes early!

"No shit!" I heard Reed muttered as he poked me in the side and pointed to the doorway where Sean was talking to one of the waitresses.

"I'll be right back," I jumped up and hightailed it over to the front counter, happy that we were seated near the back where he couldn't see us right away.

"I'm sorry sir," the waitress was saying. "We didn't have a table for 6 for this time, are you sure it was today?"

"Yes, my sister in law said that -"

"Hey Sean!" I gave him a hug and the waitress slipped away. "I'm so glad you could make it but you are way early!"

"How early could I be," he asked. "If you are already here?"

I ignored that one. "Come on," I took his hand. "Close your eyes and -"

"I'm not closing my eyes Amber, I would look a little silly walking through a restaurant like that."

"Oh come on," I smiled up at him. "You'll be my favorite brother in law if you do it."

Sean laughed, "I'm your only brother in law, so that won't work."

"True," I laughed. "But that doesn't mean that you have to be my favorite."

He thought about that for a moment and just when it looked like he was going to argue with me, he closed his eyes. "This doesn't mean that I don't feel like a moron," he told me as we started towards the back of the room.

Sean was completely shocked when I finally let him open his eyes again; he looked like a kid who had gotten everything he wanted for Christmas, when he saw his family seated around the table. "Mom, dad!" Mack and Gertie both got up and met him halfway; it was so good to see how excited they all were to see each other again. "This is..." he seemed to be at a lost for words as he went around the table, hugging every single one of his family members. "I can't believe you are all here," he said finally. "Why didn't you tell me you were coming? I thought you all had plans..."

Gina laughed through her tears; it had been a few months since she had seen him. "We made plans to come see you," she looked at me. "With Amber's help."

"You did this?" He spun around to face me, his expression unreadable as he stared at me.

"Yes," I nodded. "Reed and I wanted to do this for you, we wanted you to be happy."

He shifted from one foot to the other as he looked back and forth between Reed and me. "You have no idea..." his voice broke. "Thank you," he pulled both of us into his arms, almost squeezing the life out of me. "You two are amazing."

I was pleasantly surprised how well lunch went after that considering the differences between the two families but having Sean there, talking about him, his past, how he grew up and what he's doing now, seemed to bridge the gap more than anything else could have.

I was starting to think that Thanksgiving dinner with both families wouldn't be as bad as I thought it would be...

Don't Speak - You Just Confuse Me

2007-10-08T04:05:00.000-06:00

At first I was really upset that Amber took it upon herself to show up at the restaurant where I was having dinner with Devon. I mean, there I was ready to tell him that it wasn't working and they walk up as if it was a surprise to find us there.

I guess for Reed it was a surprise, he was expecting to have a romantic dinner with his girlfriend and she was more interested in interrupting our dinner; I can't believe that he didn't lose it on her when he realized what was going on but I have to give him credit, he's really good at hiding his anger some times.

I was mad at Amber, I was going to excuse myself and pull her to the washroom to let her have it but before I could do that, I noticed something.

Devon's attitude towards me totally changed when they joined us; no longer was he stiff and cold to me! No, he had moved his chair closer to mine, wrapped his arm around the back of my chair, smiling and laughing along with them.

I was confused. My first thought was that he was putting on a show for Amber! I have to tell you now, if I ever hated my best friend, that was the moment. I sat there in my chair, with his arm around me and I wanted nothing more to reach across the table and tell Amber to go the hell home because Devon was mine.

That's right people! I was extremely jealous! How could he have a thing for my best friend? His best friend's true love?

And how could I have been so blind not to have seen it?

I'm not sure how long I sat there, fuming, thinking about every single moment that Devon showed me some real attention lately; it all seemed to be when we were with Amber. I felt so stupid, humiliated even. I wanted to throw my drink in his face and storm out of the restaurant, telling him that he could try all he wants but he would never have her.

But then I remembered the night he 'kidnapped' me and brought me to the house he was working on for Kelly; Amber wasn't there that night but he was acting like he did at the restaurant.

I was confused, I thought it was all because of Amber but there were a couple other times that he acted loving towards me and she wasn't there.

I turned to him, he smiled at me before turning his attention to Reed, who was telling some story about Alexis; I gave Reed my attention too. At the end of his story, he turned and gave Amber a kiss on the temple, like he had done a million times before, it was sweet and I know Amber loved it. I was in the middle of thinking 'why doesn't Devon do little things like that?' when he shifted beside me.

"Have I told you how wonderful you look tonight?"

His whisper at my ear surprised me to say the least, it had been a while since he was that close to me or said something like that to me. "No," I glanced up at him. "You haven't told me that."

"No?" He frowned slightly. "What was I thinking?" He lowered his head, his lips brushing against my cheek. "Janie..."

I waited but he didn't say anything. "Thanks Devon," I turned back to Amber and Reed.

Devon sighed, his breath caressed my cheek and goosebumps appeared on my arms. "There isn't a single word to adequately describe how amazing you look Janie."

Without turning to him, I raised a brow; he grunted his disapproval when I didn't look at him. I thought he was going to move away but he didn't, he pressed his lips against my neck; I had to bite my lip to keep from responding vocally to his kiss but he knew just what his touch did to me, his satisfied chuckle told me that.

An hour and a half later, I excused myself and motioned for Amber to join me. This part Amber didn't tell you about, maybe she didn't think it was important, or maybe she thought it was better if I explained it, I don't think she ever understood what I was talking about.

"Ok," I said the second the door closed behind us. "Is it just me or is something strange going on here tonight?"

"What are you talking about?" Amber disappeared into one of the stalls and closed the door; I walked into the one next to her.

"You didn't notice it?"

"Notice what Janie? How much Devon is hanging off you? Or the whispering he's doing in your ear? Or oh! The kisses he gives you?" She chuckled, "No I didn't notice those at all."

"That's exactly what I'm talking about!" I exclaimed. "All of that! Did you notice anything about them?"

"Ummm..." she hesitated, "...he seems to really be into you?"

I groaned.

"Well he did!"

"Yeah!" I scoffed. "Only after Reed kissed, touched, or whispered to you did Devon do any of that!"

"Oh my God Janie!" Amber laughed, flushed her toilet and walked out of her stall. "Hurry up because I have to see if you are being serious or not!"

A few moments later, I walked out of my stall and joined her at the sinks. "I'm serious Amber, the only time Devon did any of those things, was after Reed did."

"Janie..." Amber was shaking her head. "He loves you, he told me that."

Pulling my chap stick out of my purse, I popped the cap off. "Well he has a funny way of showing it! He's never that touchy feely when you guys aren't around!"

Amber told me I was being paranoid but when we returned to the table, I took notice, and again every thing Reed made a move towards Amber, Devon would wait a couple minutes and then kiss me.

We've gone out since that night, he was back to not being that touchy feely anymore.

I don't know what to think of it. I don't think I'm seeing things just because I want there to be some explanation of his behaviour. I think that he's doing it because Reed does, only I can't figure out if it's because he thinks he has to put on airs in front of our friends or if he's just taking his cues from Reed as to what he should be doing.

Could this be an act?

Or could Devon not be sure how to treat me now that he says he loves me?

I know I'm reaching here; chances are that he's just not that into me and it's all just for show.

But then why would he claim love and devotion to Amber and Reed?

Why the hell do men have to be so complicated? Why can't he just tell me what he's thinking?

Is he trying to drive me insane?

So Many Plans, Why Did I Say 'Yes'?

2007-10-04T09:50:00.000-06:00

Reed told me a long time ago to stop butting into every one's affairs but I'll be damned if I didn't do it again; this time though, I think Janie might get really mad at me because of it.

See, the other night when I went out with Janie, she told me that she was ready to give up on Devon and I tried to talk her out of it but she still seemed more likely to give up on him than to talk to him about what was bugging her.

I know, I know! She did say she would talk to him and she has been thinking about what she really wants from him but...I don't know, I guess I figured I could help her.

Yes, I do read all her posts and I know she'll end up reading this one but I just had to tell someone what I did.

It's not like it was earth changing but it was meddling. I want to say that I'm only trying to help her like she thought she was helping me when she deleted Reed's emails from my account but would that be seen as me just 'getting' back at her? God I hope not! That's not that I was trying to do, I just wanted to help.

And I didn't think that she, from what she told me before she was to meet Devon last night, was ready to really talk to him; she seemed to be little upset and I didn't want things to end without her giving it her best shot.

I know she loves him and I know he loves her! None of you see the way he is when he's thinking about her; no one hears the feelings in his voice when he's talking about her. I just wish that he was able to say all the things he says to Reed and to me, to her! I don't know why he holds back when she's right in front of him!

He says that his life would be empty without her, he tells us that she makes him want to be the 'good' guy, they man he believes she deserves to spend the rest of her life with!

I don't think he's just talking out of his butt here! I really don't!

Which lead me to drag Reed out to the restaurant Janie and Devon went too and butt in on their night!

I know! It was horrible for me to do that! Reed got mad at me when we got home, after I told him why I wanted to go there, he asked me to promise him that I would never do that again. "Amber they have to make their own mistakes! You can't just butt in whenever you don't like what's going on, they are adults and you should respect their choices, even when you don't agree with them."

He's right, I know he is. And I hate it when he's right.

But it didn't stop me from telling Devon to smarten up or risk losing Janie.

He told me something along the same lines Reed did, he told me to get my nose out of his life, he knows what he's doing.

I think he's going to lose Janie. I don't see her staying with him if he's not giving her the attention she wants when there are a couple other guys who are interesting in giving her all the attention she could ever want.

That's right, I did say two.

I don't think Cary is completely over Janie, even if she says they are just friends.

And I know Colin was disappointed when I told him that Janie had a boyfriend yesterday after he hinted around that he would like to have her number.

Now, what's going on with me?

Well when you look at Janie's life, mine is soooo boring! But I wouldn't have it any other way. Despite a few small arguments every now and then, Reed and I are doing great, which I'm sure you all know from Janie's entry the other day! I'm still blushing about that whole 'trying' comment of his. I love him so much.

Alexis is moving around with great freedom, getting into everything if we don't keep an eye on her; I'm starting to wonder why I encouraged her to walk. I mean, now she's walking, what's next? Going out and staying out all night? Bringing home strange boys? Giving her dad and me gray hairs long before our time?

Ok, ok. I know she's only 14 months old and won't be doing any of that for a few years yet but still, I miss the days where she would look to me for everything. I don't want my baby to grow up! It's happening way too fast! I told Reed the other day that I blame him for her independent streak; he laughed and told me that she got that one from me.

With the sense of lost I have now that Alexis isn't as dependant, I have been thinking about having more children but I know it's probably not the best time to even start - and Reed's grandmother would have a cow, she tells me she's ready for it, as soon as we get married. She's a nice lady and I love her but I don't know if I am willing to wait that long - Reed hasn't even mentioned marriage to me in a long time, I don't even know if he wants that anymore.

Speaking of marriage, there will be 'wedding' in the next couple months in Reed's family - his parents are renewing their vows at the end of November - it seems that things have heated up between Lucinda and Roger since Lucinda moved back in; in her words, "I never knew Roger was such an animal!"

Ewwwwww! I cringe every time she tells me that! But I am really happy for them, they seem to be working out all the issues they had and Roger does seem to be getting friendlier in this new relationship he has with Lucinda - a couple days ago he actually complimented me, he told me I've done a great job raising Alexis, she's the 'perfect granddaughter'.

I wanted to tell him it was about time he got his head out of his ass and saw that but I didn't. I'm just happy that he seems to have finally accepted that we are here to stay.

And now, Sean.

Sean has an open invitation to our home anytime he wants it; he hasn't taken us up on that one too often but he does come over for supper at least once a week. He tells me that he's still trying to find his place in our family but he misses his family.

Because I'm the coolest sister-in-law a man could ever have (according to Sean) I've invited all his family up here to meet us and spend Thanksgiving here; his sister, Rae, suggested it one night when I was talking to her through IMs. For the most part, his family has agreed to come, they'll be here on Saturday until Tuesday morning; I have hotel rooms booked for all of them - even the ones who aren't sure if they'll be here or not. Sean doesn't know anything about this, he thinks everyone has forgotten about him; it breaks my heart not to be able to tell him that they are coming to see him but they want to surprise him so what can I do?

SO with a houseful of strangers about to descend on us, I have a lot of stuff to do.

In My Head

2007-10-03T10:18:00.000-06:00

I've been left alone with my thoughts since I went out with Amber the other night. I promised her that I would try talking to Devon about how I am feeling and what I want from him that I feel I'm not getting.

I don't know, maybe I'm being all depressing and down but I don't think it's going to make a lick of difference if I tell Devon what I want, he has always done what he wanted to do, no matter what.

What good will talking do? He won't change, he won't do anything to change anything. It's pointless.

I told Amber that but she doesn't believe me, she thinks that Devon really cares for me but doesn't really know how to show me, so he does what he always did because, let's face it, I put up with it before.

"If you spell it out for him and nothing changes, then you can say you gave it your best shot," she told me before we left DW's the other night. "You don't want to walk away from him Janie and always wonder if there was something you could've said or do that would've changed it; no 'what if's Janie, you don't need them."

Ok, so that last part go to me, it got me thinking that maybe she was right. What harm would it do to spell things out for Devon? I don't want to walk away wondering if I made a mistake.

So with that said, I've been thinking, really thinking about what I want - what it is that he's not doing that I want him to do - but the only thing I can think of is, I want him to put me first some time; I don't want to be second to his ex and her baby.

-sigh-

I guess I should think about this a little more before I see him later today.

It Needs To Be Said

2007-10-02T11:02:00.000-06:00

"What floor?"

"Huh?" I was lost in my own little world, I didn't even notice when someone joined me as I stepped into the elevator to take me to the second floor where Amber was just about to get off work.

The guy smiled, "What floor were you visiting today?"

"Ummm, the second," I made a move to hit the button but he was quicker than me. "Thanks," I flashed him a smile and retreated back into my own little world as the elevator doors started to close.

"Do you have a child?" He asked.

"No," I shook my head but stared straight ahead, wishing the ride was over.

"Oh," he seemed surprised.

The elevator dinged as it came to a stop on the second floor, I stepped forward as the doors started to slide open.

Amber and Reed were walking towards the elevator when I stepped off; Reed was holding Alexis in his arms as he gave his full attention to what Amber was saying.

I know it's wrong but I can't help but feel jealous every time I see the three of them together. I'm not jealous that Reed is with Amber, I'm not interesting in him that way. No, I'm jealous of 'them', of the relationship they have, the love they share and the little girl who is the spitting image of her mommy. That's right folks, I said it, Alexis looks like Amber, I don't care what Amber says, it's true - Alexis is her baby twin!

"Hey guys."

Amber turned from Reed to smile at me, "I'm so excited about tonight," she exclaimed as Reed pouted.

"It doesn't look like Reed is though."

"What?" Amber glanced at him and laughed. "Oh honey," she turned, wrapped one arm around his waist and rested the other one against his chest. "I'll be home before you even miss me."

"Ha!" Reed shook his head, "I'm already missing you." They kissed and I swear I died a little inside just watching them; how do I get that?

"Ok, ok enough," I jokingly tugged on Amber's arm to get her away from Reed. "Stop corrupting my niece!"

Reed pulled back enough from Amber to look down at the little girl in his arms, "You tell Aunt Janie that you like it when mommy and daddy kiss." He glanced up at me and whispered, "She wants to be a big sister."

"Reed!" Amber gasped.

"What?" He tried to look innocent for a second and then turned back to me. "But little do either of them know," he leaned in closer to me and whispered, "I'm enjoying the 'trying' more than the 'having' right now."

"REED!" Amber slapped his arm. "Don't say that!"

"Why not?"

"Because people like think that we are actually trying to have another child," she looked at me. "We aren't trying Janie."

I went to tell her it was ok but Reed had something else to say.

"Oh I'm trying all right," he nodded, smiling at Amber. "I try to get you to kiss me, I try to get you to touch me, I try to get you naked and I try to get you to -"

Amber slapped her hand over his mouth. "Keep that up and you'll have all the 'try' you want and none of the 'get'." Reed made this whimpering sound. "I didn't think you would like that," Amber dropped her hand. "Now Janie and I have stuff to do, I'll see you at home later, ok?"

Reed smiled, nodded and said, "Yes dear."

Amber laughed, "Get outta here."

With one last kiss, Reed and Alexis moved towards the elevator and Amber and I headed back into the day care. "I'm just going to tell Co...oh!" She jumped as the guy from the elevator rounded the corner the same time she did. "Hey!"

"Hey," he chuckled. "I take it you are heading out?" Amber told him we were, he glanced at me and then told us to have a great time.

We were heading back towards the exit when Amber stopped and spun around. "I'm sorry," she exclaimed out of nowhere. The elevator guy glanced up from the papers in his hand to give her a questioning look. "I didn't mean to be rude," she told him. "Colin," she motioned to me. "This is my best friend, Janie." Turning to me, she motioned to Colin, "Janie, this is Colin, we work together."

Colin and I exchanged 'nice to meet you's and shook hands before Amber and I turned to go for real this time. Later, over a meal of popcorn shrimp, wings, chicken fingers and onion rings, I would ask her why she stopped to introduce us like that.

"I don't know," she shrugged. "I thought it would be rude if I didn't. Plus," she leaned in over the table as if she was about to tell me something top secret. "Don't you think he's seriously cute with his dark hair, green eyes and killer smile? And not to mention the body!" Her eyes went wide. "The boy knows his way around a gym."

My jaw dropped to the table, I swear. "Amber!"

"What?" She picked up an onion ring and dipped it in the house special sauce. I just stared at her. "I can look," she told me. "There's nothing wrong with looking, I am human after all but it doesn't mean I'm about ready to throw him down on the kiddie tables and have my way with him!"

I was shocked, I never heard her talk like that about anyone besides Reed. "Does Reed know you are looking?"

Amber rolled her eyes. "Janie! Reed knows I love him, he knows that he's the only man for me."

"Yes but does he know that you are thinking about Colin like that?"

"It's funny," Amber laughed. "I look at Colin, I think he's cute but I would never do anything with him; Reed means too much to me." She went to bite into her onion ring, "But that doesn't mean I don't look at other guys!"

"Doesn't Reed get jealous?"

"A little," she told me. "Then he feels like he needs to remind me why I'm with him."

I grinned, "The whole 'trying' thing?"

Amber cracked up laughing, "Oh Lord! I can't believe he said that!"

It was nice to hang out with Amber, to see that relationships aren't as messed up as mine is. Unfortunately, it was a matter of time before she asked how things were going with Devon. I didn't have an answer for her.

"That doesn't make me feel that things are going well," she told me. "What's going on Janie? Is Devon doing something wrong?"

I told her it wasn't something he was doing, it was what he wasn't doing. I told her that he asked me to move in and how it turned into an argument with me leaving with the feeling that nothing will ever change between us. "I know it's not right but I keep comparing Devon to other guys and he always comes up short."

"Oh," she seemed so disappointed, I knew she was hoping that things would work out between us ever since she come back. "Well have you tried to talk to him, really talk and tell him what's on your mind? Have you told him what you wanted and what you were looking for from him?"

"It doesn't help Amber, he just doesn't seem to care what I think or feel." I took a deep breath and said something I hadn't said out loud ever. "I don't think Devon and I have a future together."

If You Think I Won't Go - Watch Me

2007-10-01T11:52:00.000-06:00

"I think you should move in with me."

I damn near laughed in his face when he said that. "You have got to be kidding me!" There was no way in hell he was actually saying this to me, no way.

"No, I'm very serious," he stabbed at his steak with such force, I thought it was going to fly off the plate and land on some poor unfortunate soul who was seated around us in the resturant. "Why do you have to shoot down everything I suggest? Why can't you just say 'yes Devon, I would love to move in with you. Is this Friday early enough for you?'"

He was pouting now, I hated it when he pouted, it wasn't him and it always made me feel like he was up to something. "Devon," I said his name slowly because I wasn't sure how to say what I was thinking with out pissing him off. If I hated it when he pouted, I hated pissing him off even more, he was so unpredictable when he was upset.

"Why don't you want to move in with me?" He demanded before I could even say what I wanted. "It's not like your life at home is all that great with your mother drunk all the time."

"Leave my mother out of this!" I snapped at him. "You know that she's been having a hard time since my father left her! Why do you have to be such a jerk?"

"Excuse me for wanting to move ahead in our relationship, silly me thinking that you would actually want to move ahead."

This time I couldn't hold back the laughter. "You have got to be kidding me!" I stared at him. "Move ahead? Devon all we do is fight. I don't even remember the last time we spent the night together without it turning into a fight." I shook my head, "I don't want to be like my parents Devon, I don't want to end up hating you, resenting you like my mom does my dad."

"I'm not your father Janie."

"No?" My gaze met his. "You have never been a one woman man Devon, just my like my dad. I won't be my mom, I'm tired of not being the most important woman in your life."

"Janie come on! You know that I -"

"No," I shook my head. "I don't know anything Devon." Before I cried like a baby in front of him, I stood up. "You say lots of stuff Devon but your words and your actions never say the same thing." Reaching for my purse, I told him that I need more than words and in a moment of desperation, I quoted a song that I've been listening too a lot lately, an older one. "I don't need a man I can live with, I need a man I can't live without. Right now Devon, you haven't given me any reason to believe that man is you."

It took all my strenght to walk away from him last night.

I wish I could say he came after me but he didn't.

I don't really know what's going to happen with him, I don't know if I mean enough to him for him to be the man I know he can be. I just know that right now, I'm missing him more than I thought I would.

Am I crazy? Is there a chance that Devon is really the man for me? Or am I holding onto the hope that he is?

Amber is worried about me; she called me last night to see how I was doing. She may deny that Devon was behind her call but I like to think that he was, that he did care about me that much, at least.

I'm supposed to go by her work later today, she suggested that we hang out.

Drinks, That's All It Is

2007-09-27T13:04:00.000-06:00

My night out with Cary couldn't have gotten off to worse start! Devon snooping in my night stand drawer to find my day timer to see where I was going? I was so pissed off! He didn't even respect me enough to give me some privacy! I wanted to go after him and find out what his problem was but if I did that we would probably fight and I wasn't in the mood to fight with him anymore. I hated fighting! I had to listen to my parents fight for years, it wasn't my idea of a good time!!

I headed off to DW's not longer after Devon left, I was determined to have a good time despite him.

Cary was already at a table when I got there and he was facing the front door so he saw me come in. And I saw the flash of desire in his eyes as I came to stand in front of him when he stood to pull out my chair for me.

Yes, it did make me feel good!! Doesn't every woman want to know that they are looking great when they go out? It doesn't mean that I want to jump him or anything!! I swear!

No, I don't care how many Abercrombie and Fitch ads he seemed to belong too in his khaki cargo shorts and gray with white strip shirt - both showing off his tanned, muscular arms and legs - nor did I care that he was wearing the cologne that I picked out for him just after he asked me to marry him.

No, I didn't want to jump him...

...although, I did think about it.

"Hello Janie," he gave me a one armed hug before motioning to my outfit. "You look amazing tonight."

"Thank you," I blushed as I sat down in the chair he held out for me. "You look good too."

He thanked me and took his seat again. "I took the liberty of ordering us a couple drinks; I got you the blue drink that you like so much."

It didn't surprise me that he would order our drinks, it was something he always did when we were together and I really liked it. Not because he was taking control or anything because the drinks were the only thing he ever ordered for me. No, I liked that he was that thoughtful, I liked that he had the foresight to plan ahead.

Some thing that Devon failed to do on many occasions. I mean, how hard is it to plan what we'll be doing if you asked me out? And plans to sit at home and make out aren't what I'm talking about either!!

Our drinks came shortly after I arrived. "Good timing," I said when the waitress had left.

"Well," he smiled at me. "I did ask for them to come just after you were seated."

There was something about his smile that just pulled me in. Maybe it was the dimples, maybe it was the fact that it was always lopsided or maybe, just maybe it was the way his whole face lit up. Whatever it was, his smile was dangerous and so was the fact that once he smiled, I started to remember the good times with him.

I grabbed my glass and took a drink.

"Hey, hey!" Cary reached for my glass. "Go easy on that hun," he said in his slow, sexy drawl. "You know how quickly that stuff goes to your head." I return the glass to it's drink coaster. "That's better. Now, how are things with you? How is work?"

I work as a receptionist, I find it enjoyable but it's not really that exciting to talk about but since Cary knew most of the people I work with, it was nice to talk to someone about the issues I was having with some of the staff. Cary hung on every word as if I were telling him the meaning of life. That kind of attention can make a girl's head spin!!

"What about you?" I asked when I finally finished talking about work. "The last time we spoke, you were applying for school, did you get into that cooking program?"

"At Sait?" He shook his sadly. "I missed the deadline for this year but I have applied for next winter." I told him I was sorry to hear that but he didn't seem too upset. "No worries, I've already applied for next Winter, hopefully I get in. It's a high demand program, so we'll see. In the meantime, I'll continue to work at the restaurant." He took a drink from his mug of beer. "Oh! Did I tell you that Manny quit?" I shook my head. "Well he did, last week, Terry told me if I wanted some extra kitchen shifts they were mine! I'm stoked!"

"Wow, that's great for you!"

"Yeah, I couldn't believe my luck! To be in the same kitchen as Paulette? To watch her work? It's like dream come true!"

"Will she teach you some of her tricks? Is she ok with you being in there?" From what I remember of Paulette, she was very bitching when she wanted to be. And look out if you sent back anything because it wasn't cooked the way you wanted it.

"I'm on her good side," he grinned. "We got to talking one night after we closed, I told her about my goal and she seemed willing to help me pick up a think or two. It'll be great."

We talked more about his career choice and the subject soon changed to whether or not we would order some food to go with our drinks. "It's not Paulette's cooking by no means," he joked as he picked up the menu from the stand on the table. "But the food is pretty good here."

"Yeah..." I reached for a menu too.

"What's wrong?"

"Wrong?" I told him I didn't know what he was talking about.

"No?" He closed his menu. "Did you need to go?"

"No."

"Were you waiting for someone to show up?"

"No."

"Well then why do you keep looking towards the door? Am I boring you?"

I wasn't going to tell him about Devon but I found myself spilling it. I told him how Devon found my day timer and I was afraid that he would show up.

"Isn't that the idea?"

"What?" I stared at him. "Is what the idea?"

"Why you asked me out here tonight, wasn't it so Devon would find out, show up, see us together and get jealous?"

My jaw dropped.

"Wasn't it?" He asked again, this time a little hesitantly.

"No!" I couldn't believe he thought I would use him like that.

"Then why did you ask me to meet you Janie?"

"Because," I returned the menu I was looking at to its holder and grabbed my bag. "I wanted to see you," I told him. "I hated how I screwed things up with you, it wasn't right."

"No," he agreed. "You screwing around with Devon when we were engaged was very wrong."

"I'm sorry. I know that doesn't change what happened but Cary, I really am sorry about that."

"So?" He glanced at his menu for a second before looking up at me. "You wanted me meet up to tell me you were sorry?"

"No!" I groaned, I wasn't being clear at all. "I miss you Cary," the second I said it, he perked up. "Oh," I groaned again. "I mean, I miss doing stuff with you. I really enjoyed spending time with you." His shoulders slumped and I felt like a bitch. "I guess I wanted us to be friends but if you don't think you could be my friend then..." I didn't know what else to say, I started to get up. "I'm sorry Cary."

I started to walk away but I didn't get pass the first couple tables. "Wait Janie," Cary's hand curled around my elbow and he turned me to face him. "I would like that."

Devon didn't show up at DW's at all while I was there with Cary; we were there until midnight.

In the week that has pasted since that night, I've hung out with Cary twice both times we met at the restaurant and ended up at one of his co-workers house for a couple drinks.

Devon hasn't said a word about me hanging out with Cary nor has he changed anything he does.

I guess you could say that things are pretty normal around here.

The Start Of The Night

2007-09-10T11:14:00.000-06:00

I was in the middle of putting on my make up last night when I heard a voice that I didn't want to hear calling my name as he neared my bedroom door. I groaned, cursed my mom before looking back into the mirror in front of me. Of all the nights I didn't want to see him, he had to show up! Just like a guy! Don't call for a couple days, ignore you when you are around and then when you have plans, he's all up in your space!

He opened my door without knocking, something that he always did and I hated it! Does he think he's too good to knock? Does he think that he can just walk in here and I'll be all happy to see him?

"Hot," he hissed as he grabbed me around the waist, turning me towards him, expecting me to kiss him.

"Devon!" I was upset, I hated that he did this to me every time! And what made it worst was that he knew I hated him barging in and manhandling me like I was some piece of meat! Don't get me wrong, I like to be manhandled most of the time, especially by Devon but right now I'm just irritated with him.

"Oh come on Janie," he wrapped his arms around me. "You know you want me." While he spoke his right hand slid down over my hip, over the cotton material of my white back pleated, mid thigh lenght skirt that sat low at my waist and onto my bare thigh. His hand soon disappeared under my skirt, I didn't move at first but the second I felt his fingers rub against my panties, I jumped.

"Devon stop it!" I tore out of his arms and turned to glare at him. "What the hell do you think you are doing?"

"What am I doing?" He grinned as he moved towards me once again. "How about I tell you what I'd love to be doing?" His hands went around me again, this time he grabbed my ass pulling me tight to him. "We don't need to go out," he told me while nipping at the sensitive skin of my neck. "Why don't we order some food and I'll show you how hot you get me when you wear that skirt for me."

"No," I struggled to get my arms to cooperate so that I could push him away. "I have plans tonight Devon."

"Oh?" He raised a brow. "Where are we going?"

"We aren't going any where! I am! Alone."

"Ha!" He shook his head. "Good one babe!"

"I'm serious! I'm going out tonight, without you!" When I said 'you' I jabbed my finger into his chest. "So why don't you back off and give me some space so I can finish up here?"

Without a word, Devon did as I asked. At least he backed away anyway, he didn't leave though, he retreated to my bed where he layed down on his back with his arms under his head and his feet crossed - he was staring at me the entire time and it sort of freaked me out.

I had to leave my room for a couple minutes to grab something from the bathroom, when I returned Devon pushed off my bed and mumbled something about finding something better to do as he stomped out of my room.

I was relieved when my door closed behind him.

Or I was until I spotted my day timer sitting on my bed, opened for all the world to see 'Cary 8pm - drinks @ DW'.

My Decision

2007-09-08T22:23:00.000-06:00

A couple days have passed since the evening I ran into Cary and Devon flipped out. I don't care what anyone says, there is no way I'm going to pretend that it doesn't bug the hell out of me that he spends all his free time with Kelly and Gabe or talking about them or doing something for them!! Why should I have too? Who in their right mind would? I'm not being childish or anything and the fact that I slept with him when he was engaged to Kelly has nothing to do with the situation!!

Do you really think it should matter now? Devon didn't love her then and he don't love her now, he's just using her so he can be close to Gabe!! The same stupid reason he was all over Amber once Reed finally found her again!! He wants a child!! He doesn't care who's baby it is either! Whatever Devon wants, he gets! That's the way it's always been and that's the way he expects it to be now!!

But you know what? I'm not going to be just another person he uses and throws away; I did that once before and it wasn't all that hot for me! I love him but there is no way I'm going to be on the bottom of his list! I need some attention! I need to know he wants me for more than a roll in the sack! I want what we had before Kelly had Gabe! I want Devon to want me, I want him to 'chase' after me, I want him to be romantic and say the things he said to me the night he 'kidnapped' me and brought me out to the house he bought for Kelly!

The house he bought for Kelly? -sigh- I can't even get him to buy me lunch and he buys her a freaking house? Am I jealous? You are damn right I'm jealous!

And like I said, I'm not going to sit around and wait for him to decide he wants to see me or not. I'm going out! I'm going to live my life and he can go to hell for all I care!

Guess what I did?

I called Cary up earlier tonight. I know what you are all thinking but no, I didn't do it to 'get back at' Devon, I did it because I miss Cary, he's a funny guy and he's so sweet. I want to be friends with him.

And that's what I'm going to do! Or at least, that's what I'm going to tell him tomorrow night when I meet him for drinks at DW's. Amber thinks I should tell Devon that I'm meeting up with Cary and why but he wasn't paying much attention to me when I tried to tell him! How do I know he wasn't paying attention? He told me to have fun! No questions! No tirades! Nothing!

Chances are that I'll try to tell him again before I leave to meet Cary tomorrow...

Hello My Friends

2007-09-07T12:38:00.000-06:00

I just thought I'd stop by to see how everyone was doing. I can't tell you how weird it is for me to see someone else's words on this blog but I'm so glad that Janie agreed to take over for me, I wasn't sure if I would have the time or energy to update like I used too.

But as promised, I'm here to tell you all what's going on with me.

First off, Reed is wonderful! I swear I love him more and more everyday! The other night he took me to the place where we first met. We were already at his parents' house helping Lucinda move her stuff back in because she decided that she wasn't going to let Roger ignore her.

"He can't ignore me if I live in the same house," she told me.

I don't know if it's a good idea or not but she thinks that maybe he will give her a chance to explain about Sean if she's around more. "Things have got out of hand," she cried on my shoulder while Reed was loading her stuff into the Jeep. "I wanted to tell Roger about Sean a long time ago but every time I tried to bring up the time we had together back then, he would tell me that we shouldn't talk about it in case some one overheard."

I think Roger is in for a big fight; Lucinda is determined to mend things. It's funny how it went from Lucinda being mad at Roger to the other way around in such a short time.

Meanwhile, speaking of Sean, he was helping us move his mother too. Slowly, he's developing a relationship with his parents but he has asked them to understand that he can't just start calling them 'mom' and 'dad'. For the most part, they do understand but every now and then, I see the look on their faces when he mentions Mack and Gertie.

I'm so glad that I'll never had to feel that way. Every moment I spend with Sean makes me realize just how important the bond Reed and I share with Alexis is. I'm so glad that I was strong enough to stand up to my parents. I'm so happy that I kept my little girl.

The most moment for Sean and his parents came when Sean told Roger that there was no way that he would work at his company. "I'm sorry," he said. "But it's not me, I'm not a shirt and tie guy. You already have Reed working for you and from what I see, he's doing a great job."

I'll stop there to tell you that Reed absolutely loves his brother...I'm almost jealous of how much he talks about Sean!

Ok, so Sean told Roger that he wouldn't work for him. When Roger asked what he will do for work, Sean told him that he'll do what he always does, "Construction."

Roger hated that but Lucinda encouraged Sean, even though she hated it as well. Later she would tell me that she wanted Sean to be happy, "and if getting his hands dirty makes him happy then by golly! He'll get his hands dirty."

Reed suggested that Sean talk to Devon since Devon was technically in the construction business, "he knows all the best contractors," Reed told Sean. "I did tell you he was an architect, right?"

So Sean spoke to Devon, who made a few calls and gave Sean the names of some guys to talk too. Sean starts work with the biggest contractor in town Monday night at 6 am. He couldn't be happier!

Now for me. There really isn't much going on for me personally. Like I said, Reed is wonderful and I love him so much. Alexis is growing more and more every day. And walking! I really have to watch her now that she's really mobile - she likes to pull stuff from all the areas she couldn't reach when she was at floor level. Last night she pulled a picture of the three of us from one of my shelves and broke the glass, cutting her finger. She's ok but she cried so much that I almost cried with her. The only thing that made her stop was when I put the Strawberry Shortcake band aid on her finger, she giggled at that!

Work wise, in a surprising turn of events Colin started with us a couple days ago. I'm not sure why he's working with us, Nadine thinks Charlie talked him into it because he's in between jobs and he did help out at the day care from time to time before. It's weird working with him, especially knowing that it's partly my fault that he found out Penny was cheating on him. Although one of the first things he did when he started the other day was tell me that he was sorry for everything Penny did to me. I told him he wasn't responsible but he told me he felt it was, "I'm the reason she was here in the first place."

So that's about all that's going on in my life. I would talk about Janie and Devon but I think Janie is the better person to talk too about what's going on with them!

I want to thank all of you for your help and guidance over the last couple months, I really appreciated it. I will be back with more updates for me when I have time meanwhile please offer Janie all the support and guidance you have given me.

Yes, I'm A 'Reactor' =)

2007-09-05T10:56:00.000-06:00

ARGH!!! Seriously! What did I do? Where did I sign my name on this whole 'we are dating but I can talk too/hang out with/buy gifts for my ex-fiance and her new baby but you can't even talk to yours without me flipping out' deal? Because seriously if I knew it was going to be like this, I don't think I would've sign the damn deal!

Ok. There really isn't a signed deal out there anywhere but you get the idea. I'm so PO'ed at Devon right now...so PO'ed that I almost typed Dylan for some stupid reason! I don't even know a Dylan! But if I did, you can bet that he wouldn't be the dick that Devon is being at this moment!

Calm down Janie...just calm down...

Yes, I'm talking to myself here...or I guess you can say 'typing'...haha =)

=( does this site not do the smiley face guys? I love the smiley face guys!

Wait a second, I got off topic. I do that a lot, people say I'm ditsy but I like to think that my mind just works so fast that it boggles every one's mind!!

Ok. So. Devon. Right...

Last night I was walking downtown with him, we were on our way to dinner when he decided to stop into the toy store to see if there was anything new since he was in the earlier that day. I kid you not! He was in there lunchtime yesterday! He told me when we were walking in the door!

I didn't want to be there, I didn't want to be looking at toys for his ex's son, we were on a date! Do you all shop for toys for baby while you are on a date? A date with the person you were cheating on said ex with in the first place?

Don't get me wrong, I don't have anything against Kelly or Gabe, I think Gabe is really cute but seriously! I don't want to look at baby stuff on a date. When I tried to tell him that, he got mad at me! He didn't even let me finish or explain how I was feeling, he just told me I was being childish and walked away!

When Devon walked away from me, I decided I wasn't sticking around the store, he could do whatever he wanted, I was going to the restaurant to wait for him. When I told him that, he mumbled something like, 'maybe I won't show up'.

I stormed out of the store but not before telling him I didn't care if he did or not. I told him he could go see Kelly for all I cared.

But I did care, I was looking forward to last night for the simple fact that it didn't have anything to do with Kelly or Gabe! Ever since Gabe was born, Devon has been over there or calling Kelly or shopping for them. I just wanted him to myself. Is that so wrong?

I was stomping down the sidewalk, muttering to myself as I went. I swear people were crossing the street to avoid me because they thought I was crazy. And maybe I was. Maybe I am.

As I stomped, I thought I heard someone say my name. Turning around I saw Cary half running up the sidewalk towards me.

C: Hey!

Me: Ummm, hi! How are you?

C: I'm ok. How are you? You seemed to be a little mad, I wasn't sure if I should bother you. - tilting his head, sizing me up - Are you ok Janie?

Me: I'm fine, I just - sigh - I'm fine.

C: - looking around - Are you late meeting someone? Or do you have a couple minutes?

Me: I was just heading down for something to eat - pointed down the street at the restaurant - but I have a couple minutes. What's up?

I wish I could tell you what Cary wanted but Devon decided to come after me at that moment.

D: - steps in between Cary and me, facing Cary - time's up.

C: - glancing around Devon to look at me - We'll talk later?

If Devon wasn't giving Cary the dirtiest look I've ever seen and if he didn't interrupt us so rudely, I probably would've said no but...

Me: - cheerfully - Yes, I would like that.

Cary gave me a smile before walking away.

D: What was that all about?

Me: - shrugging - don't know, you interrupted before he could tell me what he wanted. - raising a brow, totally joking - hey maybe he wanted me to run away with him!

D: - glaring -

Me: - sighing - I was KIDDING Devon! Good Lord! Seriously!

I turned to head to the restaurant when his hand came down on my arm, he spun me around to face him.

D: I don't want you to talk to him anymore.

Me: - laughing - yeah, right. - has a thought - Ok, I'll stop talking to him...

D: - lets go of my arm and smiles - Ok, good. Let's go eat. -takes my hand in his, about to take a step down the sidewalk -

Me: - continues - ...when you stop talking to Kelly.

D: - freezes in mid step, turns to me once again - I told you why I still talk to Kelly. I'm not going to stop just because you say so.

Me: - shrugging but really I care, it hurt that he wouldn't consider my feelings - then you should understand why I will talk to Cary, if I want too.

But he didn't understand. He told me that he didn't see why I would have a problem with him helping out Kelly. "If my parents didn't do what they did, I wouldn't feel responsible for her!"

I wasn't about to get into it with him in the middle of the sidewalk. I told him that we could go have dinner and talk about this later or go home and talk about it then.

He decided to go home...alone.

I wanted to scream as he walked away from me but instead, I spun around and took myself out to dinner.

It was the best dinner I've had in a while.

Which makes me wonder, am I jumping into a 'relationship' with Devon because I really love him or because I love the idea of loving him?

We don't fight all the time, it's just lately and it's always about Kelly. At first I tried to smile and deal with it but it's like I'm having a relationship with two other people. I don't want that, I want... - sigh - I want all of his attention when we are together.

Is that so wrong of me?

- Janie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Free Thoughts

2007-09-04T11:48:00.001-06:00

Amber told me this was going to be easy but reading the comments, I wonder why I jumped at the chance to do this without thinking about it further.

I was excited, I really was! Amber was so great at selling this to me, she said to think of it as a diary where I could tell my deepest secrets and fears.

Only this 'diary' would give me suggestions and help if I needed it. I thought it would be easy, I can write a diary, I've been writing in one all my life but this...this is so NOT like a diary!!!

I don't know what to do now, everyone seems to have prejudged me without given me a chance.

I think that stinks!!! I'm not a bad person, I'm not!!! I may have down some questionable things in the past, hurt my best friend and had a hand in hurting her little girl too BUT if Amber can forgive me, why can't a brunch of strangers who weren't affected by my mistake?

I'm not a bad person, I just made a mistake.

Who here hasn't done something they knew was wrong?

Amber told me not to let the comments run me out of the blog, she said that it's hard to take the bad with the good but in the end it's worth it.

She's normally right.

I hate that...

Welcome To Janie's World

2007-09-02T14:30:00.000-06:00

Like holy cow! This is freakin' AWESOME! Just when I thought I knew Amber she pulls me to her computer to show me this!!

HEY EVERYONE!!!!

I couldn't believe it when Amber told me about this blog! I didn't even know people wrote stuff like this on the internet for the whole world to see!!!! I couldn't believe she was able to keep this all a secret from everyone!!! Amber barely can keep anything to herself! Especially when it comes to Reed!! She tells him everything!

I suppose you are wondering why it's me and not Amber!! It seems that she feels her life isn't all that interesting now that she's with Reed again and has settled into 'married' life!!

I KNOW!!

I told her she was mental - she isn't married to Reed!!! Her reply?? It's just a matter of time!!

Amber thinks that my life would be more interesting because of all the shit with Devon - I see she has been telling all my secrets already! I told her she was mental, she told me to treat you all right because she's come to love each one of you!

So like....WELCOME TO MY WORLD!!!!!

;)

- Janie

PS! Amber says 'hi' and she'll post if something exciting happens to her

Addition To The Fold

2007-08-30T20:23:00.000-06:00

I was going to write sooner but it's been a busy day for me. I still can't believe that it's been a year since Alexis came into this world, I spent all day going back and forth between being really happy and then being really sad. I didn't know what was wrong with me. Reed tried to be supportive and help me but I didn't want to talk to him, I wanted my mom.

I left Alexis with Reed and told him I would be back in a little while, I think he was happy to see me go because he didn't seem to know what to do. When I told my mom what was going on, she suggested that it had something to do with Alexis being a year old. "When you turned a year old, I felt the same was you do right now," she told me. "In my case it was because I wanted another baby but no matter how hard your father and I tried, it just wasn't in the cards."

So that gave me something to think about, did I want another baby? Was that why I was so sad over Alexis turning 1?

I wasn't sure when I left my mom's today but when I got home and saw Reed on the floor still trying to get Alexis to walk on her own, I knew that wanting more child was part of it. What was the other part? I don't know, I have nothing to be sad about, I have a great life, I love my job and my man is the most wonderful man in the world.

"Amber I think she might finally take those first steps," he said excitedly the second he saw me. "Could you sit over there," he pointed to a spot just a couple feet from him.

I can't even tell you the number of times we did this exact same thing every single week, we would try for a while but she just wouldn't move when we let go, she would fall onto her bum and look up at us like we were crazy for even thinking she was going to walk...ever!

But I did what he asked, why? Because I loved seeing the excitement in his eyes whenever he gets to bond with Alexis.

Kneeling down on the floor across from him, I gave them both a smile before holding out my hands to Alexis. "Are you going to come to mommy snuggle bug? Are you going to celebrate your birthday by showing daddy and I that you can walk? That you are inde..." My smile slipped when I started to say independent, I realized that was one of the biggest problems with me; Alexis was getting older and doing things on her own, I was feeling a little useless.

I know that sounds crazy, she will always need me but just thinking about how she will continually gain independence from me made me cry. Reed and Alexis were staring at me like I had lost my mind, I wanted to tell them what it was but I couldn't get the words out. Reed let Alexis go to come over to me with a box of tissues, "Honey please don't cry," he begged as he pulled me into his arms. "I don't know what to do when you don't tell me what's wrong."

I tried to calm down enough to tell him but before I could, we heard Alexis call out. It was as if the world slowed down, we turned in unison to see if she was ok, she was still standing where Reed left her. Her little knees were bent a tiny bit as she held out her arms to us, she grunted again as we were watching her and then, she did it! She moved one foot ahead slightly, wobbled like she would fall over but remained standing! That seemed to give her a little more confidence, she moved her other foot ahead, wobbled once again and gave us a huge grin when she was still standing.

I'm not sure how long it look her to close the distance between us and her but she did it! I couldn't believe it! I glanced up at Reed once Alexis was in my lap, hugging me and babbling away, he had this shocked but proud look on his face and his eyes were glistening from his unshed tears.

It was a happy evening for us. We kept setting Alexis up to walk and with every step she took, she became more and more confident.

When we put her to bed tonight, Reed told her (again) how proud he was of her. "Daddy can't wait to tell everyone!"

And he meant it too, the moment we left Alexis' room, he headed for the phone to call his parents and mine!

"They are all jealous that they didn't get to see it," he told me after he finished his last call and joined me on the couch.

"I'm just glad you were here to see it," I snuggled up with him. "I'm glad that we got to share this milestone."

"Me too," he squeezed me tight. "I was afraid I would miss this one like I did with all the others."

I nodded, "I know it doesn't make up for lost time but at least you know you'll be there for it all with our next one." He didn't say anything so I glanced up at him only to find him staring at me with his jaw opened wide.

I didn't realize until he regained his voice that he thought I was telling him that I was pregnant. Shaking my head, I told him that I meant when we were ready to bring another baby into our lives. "Besides," I smiled. "Your grandmother told me that we had to be married before we give her any more great grandbabies."

"We don't have to be," he told me. "If you don't want too."

"We don't?"

"No," he answered. "We don't have to marry if you don't want too; I'm just happy that you are back in my life."

I pulled away from him, sat up and faced him. "What if I want to marry you?"

He seemed a little surprised that I asked him that, in fact he didn't seem to believe that I wanted to marry him. "You want to marry me?"

"YES!" I exclaimed. "I've wanted to be your wife since the first couple weeks after we started to date!"

The majority of our conversation up until I started this post was about us getting married and having more babies. It was probably the best conversation we've had in a while and it actually helped me get out of the mood I was in. Planning our future, together, something that I never thought would happen when I lived on my own.

The only time Reed and I disagreed was when I dropped the bomb that I didn't want to go to school, he was upset. "I thought you wanted it darling? I thought you wanted to be more than a wife and a mother? To show Alexis that she can do whatever she wanted no matter what others said?"

"I do," I told him. "I want all that but I don't know if I can handle going back to school Reed, I hated the classroom setting when I had to go to school."

The conversation got a little heated for a couple minutes, Reed telling me that I would regret it and possibly blame Alexis or him if I didn't go through with what I had planned when I moved back here. "And besides, didn't Charlie give you the job to help you with that dream? Will she still employ you if you don't go to school?"

"I spoke to her about it already," I told him. "I mentioned that I wasn't sure I wanted to go to college for the course and she suggested if it was the idea of 'school' itself, then maybe I should look into correspondence courses."

"They have correspondent courses for Early Childhood?" He seemed a little relieved that I wasn't completely backing away from my dream. "Will you have enough time and focus to do the course here at home?"

"Yes," I told him without even hesitating. "I really want this Reed and I'll do the best I can; I just don't want to go sit in a classroom for hours every day." I knew it wasn't going to be easy but I knew that he would help me out with anything he could.

****

Like I said already, part of the reason Madeline wanted to have lunch with me was to talk about how things were going with us. It was actually the main reason she requested lunch with me. I was filling her in on how Alexis was doing at day center when she stopped me. "AmberLynn, I have to be honest I really want to know how long it will be before you and Reed walk down the aisle."

"What?" I almost choked on my water.

"I believe that it's time for you to seriously think about your future with my grandson. I know that you want to take it slow because he hurt you before but I believe it's time for Reed to step into the role of 'husband'." I started to tell her it was really none of her business but she continued, "Now unlike my son, I'm not about to force Reed to marry someone he doesn't love. All I'm saying is I don't see why you two have not discussed marriage or why his ring isn't on your finger already; you love Reed and I know he loves you, what is holding you both back?"

I couldn't believe that she was saying this, from the moment I met her she always agreed with my view, she never once tried to force me to be or do something. "Madeline," I took a sip of water before I continued, I needed a moment to think of something to say. "Reed and I are happy with the way our relationship is progressing. Although we haven't talked about marriage directly, I'm confident that we will when the time is right for us. We are just getting to know each other again, we both want to take this one day at a time because we know how much it hurts not to be together. Reed knows that I love him and I want to be with him just like I know he feels that way about me, we'll take a step in the marriage direction when we are ready for it."

Madeline was silent for a moment as she thought about what I said. Finally she said, "I would strongly encourage you to be married before a second child comes along."

I asked her why she would say that but she told me she didn't have a specific reason, she just would rather that she didn't have too many illegitimate children in her family tree.

"There's nothing wrong with having a baby out of wedlock," I told her. "Some times it's better if the father isn't around."

"Reed is a great father," Madeline snapped at me. It was probably the first time she's ever snapped at me.

"I know he is! I see him every day with Alexis, I see how happy they are together and I see that it doesn't matter to him that we weren't married when we had her! If we happened to get pregnant before we get married, if we ever do get married, then he will love that baby just as much!"

"Of course he will," Madeline replied. "I just believe there is no reason for that to happen."

"Don't try to force this Madeline, I don't want Reed to ask me to marry him just because someone else thinks it's time he got married. When Reed is ready to ask, he will."

Madeline let the subject drop after I said that but I had a feeling she would be talking to Reed soon about the whole marriage thing. He hasn't mentioned it yet, so I don't really know if she did but it's only a matter of time.

We spent the remaining minutes of of lunch talking about Sean and how he figures into the family now. "I get the feeling that he won't fit in very well," she told me. "He seems to be more of his own person than Reed is, I don't see him slipping into the role that Roger and Lucinda hope he'll slip into."

I agreed 110% with that, Sean wouldn't fit into the world that we lived in and he didn't really want too; he as already admitted to Reed and I that money and power mean nothing to him. It actually seemed that he was disappointed that his real family had so much. It was weird but I understood where he was coming from, sort of. I may not have to work to survive or live from pay check to pay check but there was a time where I did. Even if it was for only a couple months until my parents came to get me. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do but it was also the best time of my life, just knowing I could do it. I don't know if that makes sense.

Lunch ended on a pretty good note, Madeline save the best part for last, she was moving back into town! "I haven't told any one yet," she told me. "So please don't tell Reed, I want to tell him personally."

I agreed to keep it a secret until this Sunday when we were all getting together for Alexis' birthday, Reed and I wanted the actual day of her birthday to ourselves; my parents have tomorrow.

And every single kid that goes to day care with Alexis have Saturday! That's right, I caved, I ended up inviting every one of the kids; I didn't want to have anyone thinking that I thought their kids weren't good enough to play with my daughter. Reed was really excited when I told him I invited all the kids.

****

The dinner party that we had planned didn't end up happening, an hour before everyone was supposed to come over, I got a frantic call from Chris, Kelly's water broke. "I'm sorry," he repeated over and over again.

"Why are you sorry?" I asked him, "It's not like you had anything to do with it happening." I wanted to added, 'right?' but I didn't.

"No I didn't," he hesitated and then told me that technically he did. "Kelly just wanted the baby to come out already," he said. "She'd been doing everything she's ever heard to induce labor but it wasn't working."

"I thought she was only eight months pregnant?"

Chris laughed, "She was due last week! Her doctor set up to induce her by the end of the week if the baby didn't come on his own but Kelly doesn't want to have the baby that way, she wants him to come on his own. That's why she had me getting her all different types of tea, oils and food like her doctor suggested but nothing was happening. We tried acupressure, walking, visualization/relaxation but none of that worked either."

"Then why do you think this was your fault?"

"Umm..." he chuckled uncomfortably but he didn't answer me. I started to ask him what was going on when I remembered one method that he didn't mention, one that my doctor told me when it was getting close to my due date - sex.

"Oh my God! Chris! You didn't!"

"Yes!" He exclaimed. "Kelly kept bugging me about it, I didn't want too because we hadn't...you know...I didn't want that to be the first time we...did." He sighed. "We didn't...you know...finish..."

I wasn't sure I wanted to know any more but in the back of my mind, I was curious how far they did go. "Wait a minute," I said suddenly. "Why are you calling me? Why aren't you bringing her to the hospital?"

"We are at the hospital." He told me he was in the waiting room because he couldn't handle the sight of blood. "Kelly is alone in there and I feel like an ass."

"Kelly is in the delivery room all alone?" I started to feel sick, being alone sucked. I told Chris I would be there in a couple minutes, I wanted to be there for them.

Before I hung up, Chris asked if I would call Devon. "Kelly promised him she would let him know when she went into labor and I don't happen to know his number off hand." I listened closely to see if there was a hint of resentment in his voice but he didn't seem to mind Kelly's relationship with Devon. I wanted to ask him what the deal was but he wanted to go see if he could get an update on Kelly.

After I called Devon to tell him Chris called me, Reed and I packed Alexis up and went down the hospital.

It would be another couple hours before 8lb3oz baby Gabe entered the world and about a hour after his birth we were allowed to visit Kelly.

Chris was already in Kelly's room when we walked in, he was sitting on her bed with her, whispering to her and Gabe; he looked so happy, they all looked so happy. Especially Kelly, even though she did look like she was about ready to pass out.

When Devon and Chris finally let go of the baby long enough for me to finally hold him, Alexis, who was up with Reed, started to cry and wanted to get up with me. "Oh Lexi," Reed tried to calm her. "Mommy is just holding Gabe, she isn't going to keep him."

I gave Reed a grin and he frowned, "At least I don't think she's going to keep him."

"I don't think I'll get far," I told him. "Your mommy wouldn't let you out of her sight long enough, would she Gabe?" Gabe wasn't paying attention to me, he was pretending to sleep. Alexis didn't care, she still wanted to get up with me, so I ended up giving Gabe back to Kelly.

By the time we left, Alexis wasn't as upset to see Reed or me hold Gabe as she was at first, I think it had something to do with me sitting with her on my lap as I held Gabe. At first she didn't want anything to do with him but before too long she was 'talking' to him and giving him kisses.

Chris brought Kelly home from the hospital Wednesday morning and he's been calling me almost every hour since to ask me some question about babies and new moms. I think it's cute that he's so involved with everything going on with Kelly and Gabe but Kelly told me that she's starting to feel smothered.

"I really like him," she told me. "I love that he wants to help me with Gabe and that he is concerned about me but I need some space Amber. How do I tell him that without hurting his feeling?"

I didn't know what to tell her, I told her to try talking to him about it but she wanted something to say to him, word for word.

Party, Party, Party

2007-08-27T10:23:00.000-06:00

In three days my baby turns 1! I can't believe it! Has it really been that long? It seems like only yesterday I was finding out I was pregnant! Where did this year go?

Reed wants to throw Alexis a party and invite all the kids that we know but I would rather just have a small party with our family, if we have to have a party that is. We don't know that many kids, besides the ones that are all in the day care with Alexis. I don't want to invite people's kids that we don't know, I told him that I wasn't about to put Alexis through that. When he seemed to want to debate that, I mentioned all the party 'friends' that he had over the years.

"Ok fine," he sighed. "We'll just have a small thing here at the house with our family." There was something in his tone that made me feel selfish for not wanting to subject Alexis to those kinds of parties.

"Well, if you want to have kids over," I started but I couldn't finish the thought. Sighing, I told him I was sorry.

"Amber," Reed came over to me and wrapped his arms around me. "I don't want this to be an issue with us, I just want Alexis to have fun. I thought it would be cool to have some kids around for her to play with."

I understood his point, as it stands right now, Alexis is the only kid in our group. I did want her to play with other kids but I didn't want to end up inviting people that she really didn't know or play with.

So in the end, we made up a tiny guest list, there were only five kids on that list. "They are the ones she always plays with at the day care," I told Reed when he asked about them. "I'll talk to their parents when they come in."

Despite it being short notice, I asked them all on Friday when they were picking up their kids, all of the parents said that they would love to have their kids join Alexis' party on Saturday.

When I told Reed about that last Friday, he was excited, he started to go on and on about all the different games and activities that the kids could do. I couldn't help but feel his excitement, I started to get into the party planning mood! But I had to stop him when he started talking about clowns and animals.

"Reed, honey, Alexis doesn't like clowns and do we really want animal poo all over our yard?"

"I didn't know she didn't like clowns," he told me and then asked why not.

"Well," I groaned, I didn't want to tell him why, to this day I feel so guilty about what happened. "When she was five months old I took her to get her photos done (I had her photos done every month for some silly reason). One of the poses the photographer wanted to do involved Alexis sitting in a 'toy box'. The background was cute, it had lots of balloons and toys on it and they had some blocks, dolls and a jack in the box scattered around her. I'm not sure why it happened but right in the middle of shooting that picture, the Jack in the box suddenly sprung up and managed to topple over onto Alexis! She screamed bloody murder, I tried to calm her down but it took a while. Finally she was calm again so we set up to take that photo but the moment she saw the toy she freaked again. We ended up having to take the box and hide it before we could finish the shoot." I glanced up at Reed and he looked like he was trying not to laugh. "It's not funny!" I told him. "To this day if she sees a clown, she screams!"

"Sorry," he tried to stop laughing. "It just seems so unlikely! But I'm not about to find out first hand." He paused and then said, "No clowns."

****

We decided that we would have a little 'party' of our own tonight, a dinner party. Actually more like just having friends over for dinner. It started out with Reed inviting Devon and Janie over for supper, I didn't know he invited them, I happened to run into Chris and Kelly on Saturday and asked them over for supper. When I got home and told Reed, he seemed a little upset that I would invite them over.

I told him that Chris was my friend and I wanted to hang out with him.

"Friend?" Reed scoffed. "Yeah right!"

"He is!" I snapped at him. "I know you don't like him because I went out with him a couple times but honey come on! He's seeing Kelly now and they seem really happy together. I want to get to know her better, she seems so much happy with Chris than she was when she was with Devon."

"Don't you see how bad this could be?" He asked me. "You used to date Chris, I don't really trust him. Kelly used to be engaged to Devon, Janie isn't going to be happy to see her here! Not to mention the face that Devon is so weird whenever Kelly's name is mentioned! He's not going to like having either one of them here!"

"Well..." I shrugged. "What do you want me to do? Call them up and be like, I'm so sorry it seems that you have to be outcasts because people can't be happy that they are with the person they want to be with?"

Reed glared at me. "I'm happy with you," he said slowly. "I just don't see why you want to hang out with Chris when he..." Reed lowered his voice. "He left bruises on you Amber, do you really blame me for not liking him?"

"It was one time," I told him. "And he never touched me like that before or after either! I'm not going to hold that moment against him when he's apologized for it!"

"But what about if he's doing it to Kelly? Have you thought about that?"

"Yes!" I exclaimed. "Yes, I've thought about it! Why do you think I want to get to know her? She doesn't know anyone in town besides us and Devon. If that moment with me wasn't the only time Chris has left bruises on someone, then don't you think it would be a good idea if Kelly knew she could always count on us to be there for her?"

Reed stared at me, he didn't say anything.

"Honey come on, please?" I pleaded with him. "I want things to be ok, I want us to be able to hang out with Devon and Janie as well as Chris and Kelly!"

He still didn't say anything.

"Ok fine! Then I'm not sure I want Devon around."

That got a reaction from him. "What?"

"Well Devon tried to break us up, he lied to you about me when I told you about Alexis, he convinced Janie to delete your emails, he -"

"Ok stop it!" Reed snapped. "Devon is my best friend! Everything he's done, while it wasn't right, he's apologized for and it's in the past; I think we have worked pass that."

"Oh?" I raised a brow. "If that's the case then you should be way pass the one mistake that Chris made."

He was silent again, his jaw was clenched in anger.

"I mean, if you can forgive Devon for trying to ruin us, you can over look Chris' error in judgement that one time."

"Ok," Reed said finally. "I'll let Chris have a fresh start, if you stop holding Devon's actions against him."

"Done," I agreed right away.

So we ended up calling all of our friends and told them that the others would be there, surprisingly enough, no one seemed to mind at all.

I asked Reed last night if he was still upset about the dinner thing and he told me he wasn't. "I think it'll be a good thing," he admitted. "I've been jealous of Chris since the day I met him, I think it's time I let that do, you are with me and that's all that matters."

I smiled, "I love you so much Reed. I'm so glad that you never gave up on us."

Reed got lucky last night, I decided to 'show' him how much I loved him as well as tell him.

****

This morning as he got ready for work, Reed asked me if I would mind if he invited Sean. "It's strange," he told me. "I always wanted a brother and now I do! I keep thinking that we'll make up for lost time but I'm not so sure that's what he wants."

"Of course that's what he wants Reed."

"It's just that he has had such a different life than I have, I don't know if he thinks I'm lame or what."

"Reed!" I shook my head. "Sean doesn't think you are lame! You heard him the other night, he's glad that he has a brother."

"Yeah but..."

"No buts," I told him. "You and Sean have a lot of stuff to catch up on and when you do, you two will be as close as any brothers can be."

"Thanks darling," he pulled me into his arms, kissed me and asked if we could play hooky and crawl back into bed.

I was all for it but he ended up going to work. "Sean is hanging out in the office today," he told me on his way out. "I don't want to miss it."

****

Madeline called me on Saturday and asked me to meet her for lunch today. Normally I don't take my 'lunch' break but when Madeline calls, you don't say no. I just have to clear it with work when I go in, even if they don't have a problem with it, I want to make sure they know that I'm going.

Well, I guess that's about all that's going on right now.

Posting Change

2007-08-25T06:50:00.000-06:00

Hey Everyone!

So I've been thinking about it for a while and I've decided that I will not be posting on the weekends anymore. I know that those who read during the weekends will be disappointed but I find that the weekends are the times where I seem to have the hardest times focusing on writing.

I hope you all understand.

See you all on Monday!

Angela

We're A Family And You're One Of Us Now!

2007-08-23T13:19:00.000-06:00

I know I said in the beginning that the similarities between Reed and Sean were uncanny, and to a point it was true but there were distinct differences that made it easier to tell who was who. For starters, like I mentioned before, Sean was bigger than Reed - possibly a couple inches taller and certainly broader across the chest and thicker in the torso. Sean's hair was darker (he had a few grey hairs that he didn't like having pointed out also) and longer than Reed's. He had a couple scars on his neck and face - a tiny one over his left eye, a couple thin ones down the back of his neck and one along his jaw line; they weren't nothing big or disfiguring but still, they were there none the less. And if that wasn't enough, Sean also had an earring in one ear.

But damn! They both cleaned up really well!

In my defence, I would like to say that I wasn't the only one who thought Sean was looking mighty hot that night, I heard Janie's 'oh my!' as Sean walked back into the room and I swear I even heard Alexis gasp!

Ok, maybe I just thought I heard the last one but hey, it could've happened, she was staring wide eyed up at him!

Some time in between the time Reed and Sean came out of Devon's room and the time I heard Janie say 'oh my!' she appeared at my side. Jokingly, I turned to her and said, "You know how you always said if Reed had a brother...?"

"Oh no you don't!" Devon jumped over the back of the couch and was in front of Janie, trying to lead her away from Sean, in no time flat. He gave me a dirty look and asked me what I was trying to do to him. With a smile, I told him I was just kidding, "Janie likes you, you fool! So don't mess it up!"

Janie let Devon lead her back to the couch, where he immediately pulled her down next to him and started to talk in quiet tones as I couldn't hear what he was saying. It was interesting to actually see Devon acting like he was afraid of competition, it wasn't something I've ever seen him do before. Maybe Janie's relationship with Cary made him see the light, I thought with a grin.

Turning my attention back to Reed and Sean, I asked them if they were ready to go.

"I look ok?" Sean asked me.

I nodded, maybe a little too eagerly. "Yes, you look great!" I turned to say something to Reed but he wasn't looking at me at all. "You won't be the best looking guy in the room," I glanced at Sean. "But coming in second isn't all that bad either."

We headed out to the club not long after this.

I wish I could say that the night went as smoothly as I hoped it would but it didn't. Not much really happened but it was the little things that made some parts a little uncomfortable.

The biggest thing though was the tension between Roger and Lucinda throughout dinner. You could see that they were trying to act like nothing was wrong but it was clear that Roger was still upset that Lucinda kept the news that he had another son out there to herself.

But on the whole, everyone got along really well. Roger, Lucinda and Madeline (Reed's grandmother) all had a million questions for Sean. Where he had been all this time, what his other family was like, why be decided to come looking for them now, etc.

According to Sean, the night that he was born, he was brought to the orphanage in the town that Lucinda had given birth to him. From there he was shipped further south into the States, passing through the hands of a dozen or so people before he made it to the home of 'Mack' and Gertie McKenzie, where he would spend the first part of his life.

Mack and Gertie were unable to have children of their own. "I think in the end that's what tore mom and dad apart," Sean told us. "They divorced when I was ten."

In the next couple years, Sean gained a couple step parents and step sisters. "Tom was a good man, his wife had died about five years before he met my mom; my step sister Rae was about 7 when our parents got married. A year afterwards, my mother became pregnant with my sister, Gina. It would be a couple years after that before my father met and married Lynn, giving me another step sister, Bonnie."

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a smile appear on Reed's face as Sean moved from his family into the next years of his life. Later I would find out that Reed was happy that he was Sean's only brother.

Sean went on to tell us that he was 15 when he overheard Tom complaining that he didn't know why Sean had to go visit Mack every summer when he wasn't even Mack's kid in the first place. "Up until then, I didn't know I was adopted. Even when I heard Mack say that, I thought maybe my mom had been with another man. It wasn't until I started to question mom about my real father that I started to realize something was up, her story was never the same."

"When she finally told me that I was adopted, I wasn't really surprised, I knew I wasn't like the rest of my family." Sean took a sip of his water before continuing. "I was really upset for the longest time at..." He looked up at Lucinda and Roger, "You guys, I guess. I couldn't understand how you could have me and not want me."

"I didn't want to give you away!" Lucinda blurted out. "But I wasn't strong enough to keep you." She looked at me and so did Sean. "I wasn't strong like Amber was when she told her parents she was keeping Alexis."

"The situation was different," I stated. "The time was different."

Sean thought about that for a moment but ended up shaking his head, "No, I think you were the only thing that was different." He turned to Reed, "You wanted to give up Alexis?"

"Hell no!" Reed snapped. "I didn't have any say in anything at that point, Amber was already gone and no one would tell me where she was. The only chance I had to reach her was through email, where I told her that I wanted her to come home and we would raise Alexis together."

Sean nodded slowly and then turned his stare to Roger. "What about you? Did you want to get rid of me?"

Roger turned red, "I didn't even know you existed until this week!"

"Really?" Sean raised his brow in Lucinda's direction. "Why was that?" Lucinda gave Sean the short version of hos she got pregnant and the situation with Roger and her. When she finished Sean sat back, visibly upset. "Yet you ended up with him and had Reed? How come you didn't tell him about me then? Why didn't you come looking for me?"

"You don't understand!" Lucinda cried. "You have no idea what it was like at that time! My father relied so much on me marrying into this family! And your father didn't want anyone to know about his infidelity! What was I supposed to do?"

"Tell him!" Sean snapped. "You were supposed to tell him that he had a kid out there! You were supposed to come and find me!"

I was so thankful that we were in the back of the club with very little other tables around us. I never understood why they wanted to meet in public like that and then get into all the details; they had to know that it wouldn't be a warm fuzzy moment.

"You were supposed to come and take me away," Sean said softly as he pushed his chair away from the table. "Excuse me," he mumbled before making his way out the back patio doors of the clubhouse.

There was lots of random chatter floating through the air, mixing with the soft music playing over the clubs sound system but the one table in the back was deadly quiet.

"Some one should go after him," I said after a moment or two but no one seemed to know who should go. "Oh for the love of God," I tossed down my napkin and stood up. "Seriously people! Did you think this was going to be easy?" Shaking my head, I made my way through the crowd and out the doors that Sean disappeared through moments ago.

"What am I doing here Amber?" He asked me when I walked up to him. He took a drag from the cigarette that he held in his hand. "I don't belong here." He blew the smoke from his lips before turning to me. "This," he tugged at the jacket he was wearing and sighed. "This isn't me. I'm a jeans and t-shirt guy, I don't belong in this club and I certainly don't fit in with those people."

"Forget about all that for a moment, tell me why you are here? What made you come all this way to find Lucinda and Roger?"

Sean took another drag before answering me. "Things weren't that great at home, I didn't want to tell them because I don't think they would understand. I never felt like I belonged, my whole life, I felt like I was an outsider in my own family." With a slight shake of his head, he took another drag. "I thought if I found my real family I would finally feel like I belonged but I'm more out of place here than I ever was back home!" He scoffed, "Talk about the irony. I searched for years, went through one lead after another and finally I tracked...Lucinda down. I came here in hopes of finding her."

"How long were you in town?"

"My first night in town, I happened to run into Penny," I made a face and he apologized. "I know she thought I was Reed but I had hoped that she could tell me more but every time I asked her anything, she told me I should know that and laughed it off."

He went on to tell me that the day we met, it wasn't a fluke. "Penny went off the deep end the night that she realized that I wasn't Reed, she started to scream at me for lying to her and asked me if you set her up." Sean frowned, "From the way she talked about you, I was expecting the devil incarnate; she said you were trying to take her job and man."

"What?" I stared at him. "Me? I never did a damn thing to her!"

He nodded, "I know but between you and me, she was seriously crazy!" When I asked him what he meant, he told me that she was taking some sort of pills. "She called them her crazy pills but I don't think she was taking them correctly, if at all."

"I found out where she worked and I decided that I was going to follow you and finally meet the man Penny thought I was." He put out his cigarette and told me how he followed me from work to the mall. "I was waiting for you to finish shopping but you spotted me first."

"But it didn't matter," he stated. "After all the work I've done to get here, I don't think I can stay where I'll never fit in."

"That's crazy!" Reed's voice came from behind us. We both turned to him as he made his way over to me. "How do you know if you'll never fit in if you use tonight as a guide? Do you think that Amber and I do this scene all the time? Do you think that we really fit in here?"

"Yes."

"No," Reed exclaimed. "Amber and I don't belong in this setting or these clothes anymore than you feel you do! We would rather have a BBQ in our backyard, have friends over for beer and bullshit all night than be here!"

"But yet you seem so comfortable here," Sean responded. "You have grown up with all this, you know how to act and I've been waiting for someone to 'show' me which fork I was supposed to eat the damn salad with!"

"You eat the damn salad with whatever fork you want too!" Reed chuckled, "Just don't sit too close to grandma when you do it!"

I gasped, "Is that why you make me sit next to your grandmother all the time?"

Reed nodded, "Yes, the woman loves to tap me on the back of the head when I mess up!"

"You jerk!" I poked him in the ribs before giving him a hug. "You know you are lucky I love you, right?"

"Of course I know," he kissed me softly. "I'm very lucky." Reed turned to look at Sean, "And I would be even luckier if you stuck around for a while, I always wanted a brother and Alexis would love to get to know her uncle."

We ended up heading back into the club with Sean a few minutes later, he told us that he would give it a chance.

Since Tuesday, Reed has told me that Sean was hanging out at the office with his father and he was out to supper with both his parents. From the reports that Reed gives me and the conversations I've had with Sean since Tuesday, I think he will fit in fine. Of course, he'll need us to keep him sane but hey! That's what family is for!

Ready For Dinner

2007-08-22T11:41:00.000-06:00

I woke up this morning to my alarm clock buzzing. Turning over on to my side, I turned it off and stretched, glancing at Reed as he lay sleeping next to me. I didn't know how he could sleep through that buzzing, it was loud and annoying, most mornings I wanted to toss the damn thing across the room. But there he was, sleeping.

Or so I thought.

I turned back to snuggle up with him and he wrapped his arms around me and sighed contentedly. "Morning my love."

"Morning," I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, breathing him in. God he smelt so yummy this morning, I was so close to begging him to stay home with me. He would've too, all I had to do was mention it and he would've called in sick before I could even tell him I wasn't serious.

But instead, I told him that he was getting some tonight when he got home, "So don't go making any other plans!" He told me I was crazy if I thought he would plan anything.

So yay! I have a sex date tonight with my man! Who's jealous? Just kidding about the jealous part.

****

Reed was extremely nervous about introducing Sean to his family. I can't really say I blame him, for 26 years, he was the only child and now, the rug has been yanked out from under him although he tells me that's not why he was nervous.

"There are so many expectations Amber, I don't want anyone to be disappointed when things don't go the way they want it to go."

"How do you want it to go?" I asked him as we made our way out to the Jeep.

"I want Sean to fit in with the rest of the family for every one's sake."

I thought about that, fitting in. I wasn't sure how Sean, who grew up in a rather lower class family would be able to fit in when I, who grew up in the same circle, didn't feel like I did. "Sean will do great," I told Reed. "He wants to meet your parents and if they are on their best behaviour, things should go wonderfully."

Of course to that Reed asked me if I smoked something before I got ready. "Because the Amber I know doesn't talk like that when my parents are involved."

"Oh shush!" I gave him a playful shove towards the driver's door. "Get in and drive."

We were heading over to the hotel that Sean was staying in while he was in town. It wasn't a classy joint by no means, it was actually a little rundown but the thing I liked about it all was that not once did Sean apologize for it. I liked that he didn't feel he was lacking something because he didn't have the money for it, I liked that he wasn't ashamed of the life he's had so far. He was really starting to grow on me and I think he would be good for Reed.

In fact the other night when they met for the first time, we somehow got on the topic of Reed and I. When Reed told him about me wanting my freedom when I first moved here, Sean actually backed me up! He told Reed that he certainly understood why I felt that way. And guess what? That night when we were in bed, Reed turned to me and told me that he was sorry he didn't understand at the time and that he was really proud of everything I've done for myself and Alexis.

We met Sean at his hotel room where we were going to spend a little time before we all went to the club for dinner; it was Reed's idea, he wanted to make sure that Sean was prepared for a evening with his family.

Like I said, we were going to spend some time there first but the second I saw what he had on, I knew there was no way he could go to the club wearing the causal pants and shirt that he had on. Don't get me wrong, I didn't think there was anything wrong with it but the club was formal some nights, and that night was one of them, he needed to have a jacket and tie.

"But I don't have one with me," Sean told me. "Will they really not allow me to go in without it?"

"Yes," I sighed. "I know it sounds stupid and there really isn't a good reason for it but Lucinda and Roger live for the club, if you go in there wearing that...well I don't know what will happen." I turned to Reed, "What did they do to you when you tried it that one time? Oh!" I grabbed his arm. "Show Sean the scars from the tarnished reputation you got that night."

Sean looked confused and Reed was rolling his eyes at me. "Darling do you have to do that?" He turned to Sean, "it's not as bad as Amber says, she's just trying to scare you." Then he turned to me and said with a smiled, "You'd know more about those types of scars than I would!"

With a smile, I went to him, slipped my arm around his waist and gazed up at him adoringly. "That's why I have you," I informed him. "You can buff out any tarnished spots in my reputation."

"Ahem!" Sean cleared his throat. "As sickeningly cute as you two are, how is this helping with the issue at hand?"

I was going to suggest that he just borrow something from Reed but upon sizing him up further, I realized that he was bigger than Reed was. "Devon!" I exclaimed suddenly.

"Devon?" Sean glanced at Reed. "Who's Devon?"

"Reed's best friend," I told him before Reed could answer. "And he's about the same size as you are, so come on!" I headed for the door with Alexis, not checking once to see if they were following. But they were so I didn't have to worry about it.

Reed had told Devon all about Sean the night before so I knew that there wouldn't be too much to explain to him when we showed up on his doorstep last night.

Devon answered the door in a pair of sweats and a t-shirt, which surprised me because I don't think I've seen him that casually dressed in a long time. "What are you doing?" He asked me as I rushed past him, pulling Sean along with me.

"No time to explain," I told him. "I need your clothes!" I walked pass the couch and smiled, "Hello Janie, didn't mean to interrupt. We'll be just a minute! Oh!" I stopped suddenly and Sean almost knocked me over. "Janie, Sean. Sean, my best friend Janie!" They said hello as I pulled Sean forward once again.

When we got to Devon's room, I could hear Reed explaining what I was doing. "It's ok, isn't it Devon?" I called out, I didn't think to ask before.

"Umm yeah sure," he replied.

"Oh good!" I turned to his closet and threw the doors open. "Ok Sean, strip."

I heard Reed's nervous chuckle as he entered the room. "Amber," he came over to me and pulled me from Devon's clothes. "Why don't you go and visit with Janie? I'll handle this." I started to protest but there was something in Reed's eyes that made me stop. There's no way that's what I think it is, I thought. He can't be thinking something is going to happen between Sean and me! I didn't argue with him, I wished them good luck and went to join Janie and Devon in the living room; they were preoccupied with Alexis so I didn't have much to do while I waited for Reed and Sean to come out.

Oh my God was Sean hot!

Morning Events

2007-08-20T11:32:00.000-06:00

I got the best wake up this morning. Well it was the best wake up that didn't involved Reed doing something to my naked body. Maybe it wasn't the best but it certainly was an interesting one.

I was on my back, I didn't know why I was on my back, I sleep on my side and normally wake up on my stomach but this morning I was on my back. I went to turn towards Reed and I heard giggling. My eyes shot open and I jumped a little as I stared into the eyes of my little girl. "Hey snuggle," I wrapped my arm around her, pulling her tight to me. "Where is your daddy?"

Alexis smiled, "Dada!" She turned to point behind her but Reed wasn't there. "Dada?" She wiggled out of my grasp and crawled to the edge of the bed where a single rose was sticking up just beyond the end of the mattress. "Dada?" Alexis peered over the edge of the bed and giggled.

"What is your daddy doing?" I asked Alexis as I joined her. I laughed when I looked over the edge and saw Reed laying on the floor holding the rose up in the air. "What are you doing?"

He gazed at me for a while before saying, "I'm trying to win you over."

"Win me over?" I frowned. "Didn't you already win me over?"

"That was when you were 19," he told me as he handed me the rose he held. "Now that you are 20, I have to start all over again."

"You're such a goof!" I took the rose and smiled down at him. "Don't you think that you'd win me over quicker if you were up here with me?"

"A gentleman never enters a lady's bed uninvited," he stated while he pushed himself up off the floor.

I raised a brow. "And what about the gentleman who has an open invitation to join this lady in bed anytime he wishes?"

"An open invitation?" I nodded. "Well in that case!" Reed jumped onto the bed. "Hello my love," he gave me a quick kiss on the lips.

I waited until he was settled next to me. "So what were you really doing on the floor?"

Reed laughed, "I was hiding. Alexis wanted to be a big girl and wish you a Happy Birthday by herself."

"Really?" I glanced at Alexis, she was still looking over the edge of the bed. "Then why is she...?"

Reed turned to Alexis, laughing. "Come here Princess!" He grabbed her by the sides and plopped her down on my lap. "You forgot our deal, didn't you? You were supposed to distract mommy while I -" he bent over the side of the bed and felt around for something. "Ah ha!" He smiled at me, sat up again and presented me with a gift wrapped box. A horribly wrapped, gift wrapped box. I guess he saw my expression because he chuckled and told me that Alexis wanted to help wrap the gift. "I don't think she's going to be a professional gift wrapper darling."

I gave both of them a kiss before asking what was in the box. "Darling you have to open it," Reed told me as he snuggled up next to me. "Mmmm, you smell delicious this morning." He began to nibbled at my neck. "Definitely better with age," he murmured.

"Reed!" I went to say more but I heard a rip. I turned to look down at my lap where Alexis was sitting with her hands over her mouth as she looked up at me. "You opened mommy's present!" I laughed. She actually only ripped a little hole in the one corner but still it was funny.

"That means hurry up mommy!" Reed nudged me, "Come on darling, open it up."

It took a little longer than normal to open the box because Alexis was 'helping' with the wrapping paper but once that was off, she wasn't interested anymore, I was though. Under the wrapping paper was a plain white box, I glanced at Reed, he just nudged me again. Alexis had crawled off my lap onto Reed's once she got the paper, so I set the box on my lap to lift the lid off it. Removing the lid, I saw plain white tissue paper, still not giving me a hint to where he bought whatever was in the box. Pushing back the tissue paper, I stared at the item in the box. "REED!" I stared at him.

"What?" He frowned, looking into the box. "What's wrong? You haven't even looked at it yet!"

"How could you? With Alexis in the room?"

"Amber! It's not like she knows what it is! Just pull it out and tell me if you like it." He seemed a little hurt that I reacted like I did and I guess I didn't really blame him.

"I'm sorry," I told him as I picked up the white sheer mesh babydoll with pink ribbon accents at the bust oh and the matching thong. "It's very..." I turned to him, pulled it completely out of the box, "What do you -" clunk! "What was that?" My head snapped back to the box I just emptied, or I thought I emptied; there was another smaller box sitting on the bottom of the box. "Reed what is...?"

He gave me a smile, "Open it Amber."

I dropped the babydoll into my lap so I could reach for the other box. While I was doing that, Reed lifted the one strap of the babydoll up to my shoulder, groaning softly. "I think it'll look amazing on you."

One look at him and I forgot about the other box. "You think so?" I picked the babydoll up by both straps and held it against my body. "Can you see me wearing this for you?"

He gave me a look that told me everything I needed to know; not only could he see me in it, he was dying to see me in it. "Maybe I'll model it for you tonight?"

He nodded eagerly and then added, "And that too."

I glanced back at the box I had forgotten. "This too?" He nodded as I picked it up. The box reminded me of a necklace box but it was a little shorter than you would expect but I knew it had to be jewelry. Once again I found myself lifting a lid and pushing back tissue paper, only in this case there was also some cotton to push aside. "Oh my!" I gasped, "Reed..." I didn't know what to say as I lifted the silver ID anklet from its box.

"What do you think Amber?"

"I..." I was at a lost for words.

"Did you see what it says?" He asked me.

Holding the anklet closer, I saw the tiny heart on the one end and my name, "AmberLynn". Turning it over in my hand, I smiled when I read the really small print on the back, "My heart, my soul, my darling BerryLynn."

"Oh Reed!" I threw my arms around his neck and cried. Seriously, huge tears were rolling down my cheeks as he hugged me tight, whispering in my ear the words he had engraved on the back of the anklet.

That was this morning. I wanted to stay in bed with him all day but we both had to get up and get ready for work. Before he left he made me promise that I'll model both for him soon and he was nice enough to tell me that I didn't have to model them together!

*****

So let's see. My party on Saturday was a blast. Reed invited all my friends and we had a BBQ. I found out that this was the party Chris called about, he showed up with An - Kelly. I have to say I was shocked and so was everyone else apparently but they seemed really good together, Chris was very attentive to Kelly, getting her food and drinks whenever he thought she needed it. The one time that I did manage to pull Kelly away from him, she couldn't stop rambling about how wonderful he has been to her. "I didn't think I would ever find someone who would make me feel so special," she told me. "But Chris," she sighed happily. "He's wonderful!"

I'm glad that they are happy and I hope that they are together for a long time to come. I don't really know what's going to happen in regards to all the plans that Devon had made for Kelly - the house and helping her financially like his parent's had promised her when they conned her into marrying him - I don't see Chris, if they are together for a while, letting another man take care of her like that. Then again, I guess it's really not any of his business, is it?

****

The other night when I ran into Sean at the mall...

I really don't know what to say about it, it was strange. Even Reed said afterwards that it was strange meeting Sean. It wasn't bad or anything like that, I think it was just not knowing he was out there and then boom! he's there and not going anywhere.

Sean wants to meet his parents and Reed wants to be there when he does, he thinks that Sean's appearance in his parents life right now is probably the one thing they need.

I'm not really sure why Reed thinks that, all I know is that we are having dinner tomorrow night with Reed's parents, his grandmother and Sean. Reed's grandmother came down last night after Roger called her to tell her about Sean.

They all seem really happy to be meeting him and from what Reed tells me from his many phone conversations with Sean since they met, Sean is nervous about finally meeting his parents. "It's strange," Reed told me last night. "Sean told me that he never thought he would actually find his family."

I guess I should say, the reason Sean hasn't met anyone but Reed yet, is because Reed wanted to make sure that he was really who he said he was. After the police check and the DNA test, Reed is convinced that Sean is truly his brother....like the identical looks couldn't point that one out!

Running Around And Round And Round

2007-08-18T11:51:00.001-06:00

I would love to post a nice long post about the reunion between Reed and Sean but my little shithead - that's Reed's new name today - just told me that oh! guess what darling? I'm having a party for you tonight and well, I forgot to do these last minute things that are going to take all day if I do them myself. Would you be a dear and help me? Please? I'll love you forever!

Ok, that's not exactly what he said but it's damn close! I can't believe he was planning a 'surprise' birthday party for me! And now I have to go and help him finish all the details because he's a guy.

Oh that just so you know, this isn't really a mean spirited post. I am really really happy that my man loves me and wanted to surprise me and I have no problems helping him with the finer details because I believe I was drunk with his mom while he was finishing up the Canada Day prep and I was really really mad at him on his birthday which caused him to go out and get plastered. I guess you can say that I should be thankful that he wanted to do something special for me after all we've been through.

I love him so much, maybe if I get a chance, I'll show him just how much before the day is out! Wouldn't that be hot? Pre -birthday love making! Sign me up!

Look What I Found At The Mall

2007-08-17T12:16:00.000-06:00

As much as I hated Penny at this time, I decided to be the bigger person and talk to her. Ok, maybe I only decided to be that person because I wanted to know more about Reed's brother and hos Penny ended up meeting him. Everyone wanted to know more about him and I didn't want Reed or Lucinda having anything to do with Penny.

I went into work yesterday with the intentions of cornering Penny and telling her that we needed to talk about what has been going on but when I walked in she was nowhere to be found. I asked Nadine where she was and Nadine shrugged, "I don't know, I haven't heard from her and Charlie didn't say she called in sick or anything."

I was sick to my stomach all day. I was hoping that I would have some answers for Lucinda and Reed when I got home but it didn't look like that was going to happen.

At the end of the day yesterday, Charlie called Nadine and me into her office. "I'm sorry that you had to work short handed today," she told us once we were seated. "But I had to fire Penny yesterday."

"What?" Nadine sat forward in her chair, staring at Charlie like she didn't believe what she was hearing. "Why? What happened?"

"I can't get into the details," she told us. "But I've been receiving complainants from a few of the parents about Penny's attitude and a few other things. I can't have someone working here, destroying the reputation that I've worked so hard to earn."

I wish I could say I was shocked to hear that Penny was fired but you all know I knew it would happen. I just thought it would be a more personal reason that caused Charlie to do something.

When we left Charlie's office, Nadine turned to me. "Do you think Charlie found out about Penny's after hours use of the day care? Or the inappropriate use of her office when she was on holidays? Or the other 'services' she performed for some of the dads?"

I stared at Nadine. "What?"

"Or maybe she found out about the time Penny screamed at the kids, or the time she actually hit one of them."

"Ok stop!" I grabbed Nadine's arm. "Why would Charlie have her working here if she's been doing all that stuff?"

Nadine shrugged, "Because she was doing her son a favor? Colin asked his mother to give Penny a chance after she got fired from her last job. But I hear that things haven't been going that great with Colin and Penny. Did you know he used to come by all the time after work to pick her up? He would send her flowers and never forgot her birthday."

"What happened?"

"I don't know," Nadine told me. "I wish I did. I just know that suddenly he wasn't coming around and when he did, Penny would get mad at him. Around that time, I caught Penny in the supply closet with one of the dads."

I left work yesterday not knowing what I would tell Reed when I got home. I called him up and told him that I would be a little later than I had planned on because I wanted to do a little bit of shopping before going home.

"Why don't I meet you and we'll go somewhere to grab a bite to eat?"

"That sounds great," I told him and made plans to meet him outside 6th Street Restaurant in a half hour.

Twenty minutes later I was making my way through the mall with a couple bags in hand while I pushed Alexis in her stroller. I was walking by the food court when I happened to notice him sitting at one of the tables savouring a banana split without paying any attention to what was going on around him.

I thought he changed his mind and decided to meet me at the mall but for the life of me, as I walked over towards him, I couldn't understand why he didn't call me to tell me or why he would be eating ice cream before getting something a little more substantial in his stomach.

"Hey," I stand across the table and smiled down at the top of his head. "I thought we were going to..." he lifted his head up slowly as I started to talk, he had just finished turning the plastic spoon he was using to eat the ice cream was upside down in his mouth but that wasn't what stopped me in mid sentence, it was the 'do I know you' look on his face.

"Oh my God!" I stared at him as Alexis started to whine and reach for the man she thought was 'dada'.

The guy glanced back and forth between my shocked face and Alexis' outstretched hand. He slowly pulled the spoon out of his mouth and returned it to his ice cream before he spoke. "I've been getting that look a lot since I've come to town," he told me. "But I have to say," he glanced at Alexis once again as she squealed 'dada!' "It's the first time that someone has called me 'dada'." He pushed back his chair and stood up. "My name is Sean," he held out his hand to me. "And I believe you can help me find what I came here looking for."

The resemblance between Sean and Reed was uncanny, I couldn't even wrap my mind around it. There has to be some differences, I thought. Do brothers look this much alike when they aren't twins?

"Is something wrong?" Sean dropped his hand.

Finding my voice, I frantically told him I had to go but he stopped me. "Wait," he reached across the table and grabbed hold of my arm but when I tensed he quickly dropped his hand and apologized. "I know this is a little bit of a shock..." I shook my head and he frowned. "What do you mean 'no'? You knew about me? How long?"

"Yes, I mean no." He continued to frown. "I mean," I sighed. "I only know because Penny -"

"Penny," Seam rolled his eyes. "I should've known that she was up to something, she was acting so strange. At first I thought it was because she..." he trailed off. "I didn't know I was close to finding my family until she insisted on calling me 'Reed' when I told her my name." When I turned away from him, he asked me if I was Reed's girlfriend, if the little girl who was calling him 'dada' still was his niece. "You know my family, don't you?"

"What do you want with them?" I asked. "Why are you here?"

"What do I want?" He spun me around and stared down at me. "I want to know where I came from! I want to know why I was given away! I want to know that there could be someone out there who might care about what happens to me!"

I wanted to ask him more but I realized that we were standing in the middle of a very public food court and Alexis was drawing attention from her cries for her 'dada'.

"I really have to go," I told him and started to turn away.

"You know I'll just follow you," he told me. "I didn't come all this way just to let someone who can help me find what I'm looking for, just walk away."

I'm not sure how long I stood there locked in a staring contest with him before I sighed and pulled out my phone. He watched me carefully as I flipped the phone opened. "What are you doing?" He asked.

I ignored him and dialed Reed's cell. When Reed answered, I turned away from Sean. "Honey..." I didn't know what to say to Reed.

But it turned out I didn't need to say anything, Sean pulled the phone from me. "Reed?" He asked hopefully as I spun around to face him. "Oh thank God!" I guess Reed asked him who it was because Sean told him his name and then told him he was his brother.

So I left the mall last night with a couple new outfits for Alexis, some shirts for Reed, and Sean.

The First Baby

2007-08-16T13:03:00.000-06:00

Reed looked devastated when Lucinda said yes. I guess we were hoping that Lucinda would tell us that there was no chance that Reed had a brother.

He wanted to know how it was possible. He wanted to know why he never knew and he wanted to know right then and there. But Lucinda didn't really want to tell him.

"Mom! You have to tell me! He's in town and by now he knows that I exist! I need to know how I could have a brother and not know! Please mom?"

It took a good ten minutes and a few aggravated groans before Lucinda finally told him she would tell him about his brother. At least all she knew. "I didn't want to tell you because I didn't want you to think badly of me Reed. I'm not proud of what I did!"

What did she do? Well it seems that Lucinda was a little bit if a 'wild' child, according to her. When she was 17 a few of her friends were heading to the coast for a couple weeks in the sun before starting their last year of high school. Lucinda's parents forbid her to go but she went anyway.

"I was young and single, tired of my parents' rules so I just left," she told us. "I met your father while I was there; his friends had the same idea that my friends did, except that there were heading into collage instead of high school when the summer ended." Lucinda stopped for a moment, a smile on her face.

"Mom?" Reed frowned as he reached for her hand.

"Hmm?" Lucinda glanced at him and then me before remembering what she was supposed to be telling us. "Your father was so different from most of the guys I knew and I thought he was the cutest guy I ever laid eyes on."

I smiled at the look on Lucinda's face as she remembered when she first met Roger. "Amber knows what I'm talking about," she said. "I see the same look in her eyes when she looks at you honey." Lucinda cupped Reed's chin in her hand and gazed at him. "You look so much like your father did when he was your age."

"Mom, my brother?"

"Oh," Lucinda dropped her hand and sighed. "Your father was a complete gentleman," she told him. "He was promised to another woman, so he wasn't really paying that much attention to any of us girls."

"We were at a party one of his friends was having, he had just called his fiance and they ended up fighting. Your dad was drinking pretty hard that night and well..." Lucinda bit her lip as she stopped, she gave Reed a look but he didn't seem to get what she meant.

"You and Roger...?" I was a little surprised to say the least. "When he was drink?"

Lucinda lowered her head, her 'yes' was barely audible. "I wasn't thinking that night, I had a few drinks myself and well...we ended up in one of the bedrooms and we..." she chuckled nervously. "Well you know what we did."

"I left to go back to school not long after that night and I didn't expect to ever see your father again." She went on to tell us that she found out a month later that she was pregnant. "I didn't want to have an abortion," she told us. "I didn't think it was right for me. My parents found out about it, they demanded to know who the father was but I was too ashamed of how it happened and the fact that Roger was supposed to marry another woman make me feel even worst."

"Since I wouldn't tell them who the father was and I wouldn't get an abortion, they did the same thing to me that your parents did to you Amber, they sent me off to live with some distant relative who lived in the States."

"Months went by and finally I had the baby, a beautiful little boy." Tears rolled down Lucinda's cheeks as she told us that during her pregnancy she changed her mind. "I wanted to keep the baby when he was born, I told my parents but they said there was no way that they were having a bastard for a grandchild."

"I think they knew that I would try to do something to keep him once he was born because they had hired someone to be with me when he was born and then they took him away from me." She stared up at us. "There was nothing I could do to stop it! I had signed him away before I even felt him move in my belly!"

"I cried for months," she told us. "I wanted him back, I begged my parents to look for him but they wouldn't. They told me that I was better off without having the baby to tie me down."

I felt angry. What her parents did to her, is exactly what my parents tried to do to me and the worst part? She didn't even try to do anything to stop it, she was one who called me a liar when she found out about the baby. I wanted to say something about it but one look at Reed, his expression, stopped me. He looked so utterly fragile at that moment, it was strange.

"But mom, you and dad got married. How come you two didn't try to find the baby then?"

"Your father doesn't know," she said softly. "I never told him about the baby. As far as he knows, you are his only son."

"What?" Reed jumped up. "You didn't tell dad about my brother? How come? Didn't you think he deserved to know that he had another child out there? Didn't you think that he would want to find him and bring him home where he belonged?"

"I was scared Reed!" His mother cried. "My parents told me to never tell anyone about the baby because it would ruin their arrangement with your father's parent's! My father was about to lose everything! He was determined to have me marry into the Johnson family so we wouldn't be penniless and homeless! And your father recognized me! He knew who I was and he told me never to tell anyone that we met before, that he was unfaithful to his former fiance!"

"What happened to her?" I asked out of the blue.

"What?" Lucinda and Reed looked at me like they forgot I was in the room.

"Roger's fiancee, what happened to her? How did you end up marrying Roger?"

"Ummm," Lucinda pressed her hand against her head and sighed. "I believe there was some sort of scandal with her and the daughter of another prominent member of the community."

"Scandal?" I stared at her. "As in...?"

"I would rather not get into that Amber! Roger was extremely embarrassed by the whole thing!"

I didn't need her to tell me, I had a pretty good idea what the scandal was.

"My father knew Roger's from previous business dealings. Roger's parents came to my house to meet with my parents and the next thing I know, I was told to pack my stuff because I was going with them."

There were so many things that I disliked about what she said but I knew that's how it worked; it was how my parents ended up together. A business deal between my grandparents. I glanced at Reed and found him looking at me, he smiled and so did I. We may have been set up to meet but our relationship was ours, our love was real.

So basically. Lucinda met Roger at a party, they slept together and she got pregnant. She was pretty much forced to give the baby up, even though she agreed at first, she changed her mind but still wasn't able to keep the baby. A few years later, both of their parents made some kind of business deal that included marriage between Roger and Lucinda. They got married and had their second baby boy, five years after their first baby was born.

Reed is freaking out. He wants to met his brother. He wants his mother to tell his father about him and he wants to try and see if they could be a family. He told me that night, when we were lying in bed that he always wanted a brother. "I just hope that he wants to be mine."

Lucinda didn't want to tell Roger, even now but when Reed told her that it was only a matter of time before his brother figured out that his parents were in town, he would look for them. She told us she would tell Roger the next time she saw him. That was last night.

From Reed's end of the conversation with his mother late last night, I don't think Roger took it all that well. When he got off the phone, Reed told me that his father stormed out when Lucinda told him about the baby. "Mom has been trying to reach him but he won't answer his phone."

Reed went out looking for his father last night but came home empty handed.

Before Lucinda left the other night, she asked me if I could get Penny to tell me more about her son. "I don't even know his name," she cried. "I didn't get to name him before they took him."

I'm not looking forward to asking Penny anything about the guy she thought was Reed but I have to admit, I'm curious to find out exactly how much he looks like Reed.

When I told Reed that, he laughed and asked me to promise not to go ga-ga over his older brother. "Remember that it's me you love, darling."

I don't think Reed has anything to worry about, no man could be like him.

Asking Is Harder Than It Seems

2007-08-15T11:01:00.000-06:00

I had no idea how Reed planned on bringing up the subject of his possible brother to his mother at dinner that night and when I asked him, he would tell me that he wasn't sure. "But when the right moment comes, I'll know what to say," he tried to sound confident but I knew he wasn't feeling it at all. But who could blame him? To find out that you aren't an only child? I don't know how I would handle it but I don't think I would be as calm as Reed seemed when his mother arrived on our doorstep that night. I know if it were me, I would've called my mother up and asked her flat out because sometimes I just don't have the tact that Reed possesses.

I wanted this issue to be over, not only because it was driving us crazy, no I guess I could handle crazy but what I couldn't handle was Reed not being as touchy feely as he normally is. I missed his gentle caresses, I wanted to feel his lips against my temple as we lay in bed at night, and I needed to see the desire in his eyes when he looked at me. I hated that this issue was taking a toll on our love life, I don't think he's even attempted to initiate even a kiss in the time since that night. Maybe I was being selfish but I wanted some of his loving.

So when Lucinda showed up for dinner the other night, I was excited. It would soon be over, I thought. We'll have some answers and we'll know where to go from there.

I was just finishing getting dressed for dinner when I heard Reed answer the door. Although we were having dinner at the house, Reed insisted that we dressed up for it. "I just want everything to look nice," he told me when I asked him why. "I know my mom will be dressed for it and I think we should too. I don't want her to feel out of place or disappointed with us, especially tonight."

"Fine," I gave in.

"Great," he smiled at me. "Do you think you could wear the black pants and that cream color shirt that I pulled out of the closet for you?"

"Why? Do you think your mom will mind if I wear something else?"

"No," he told me. "I just think you look really hot in it." Before I could even say anything, he was walking away, smiling.

So what did I do? I ran upstairs and slipped into the clothes he picked out for me; it felt both strange and exciting at the same time.

I had just returned from changing as he showed his mother to the couch where he stood by her side until she was seated and then asked if she wanted to something to drink. He had to walk pass me on his way to the kitchen to get the ice tea that she requested and when he walked by me he gave me a smile and I swear there was some heat in his eyes. And it gave me hope that I would be on the receiving end of some kisses at least by the time the night was through.

Reed didn't bring up the guy during dinner, I think he was more nervous about it than he let on. Or maybe he didn't want to spoil dinner with it.

Dinner had been over for an hour, Reed and Lucinda were in the living room talking about work, Alexis and his father while I was getting Alexis ready for bed. "Come on snuggle, let's go see if daddy wants any kisses before you got to sleep."

"Amber," Lucinda smiled up at me when I entered the room with Alexis in her pjs. "How about you? How is your work going?"

I glanced at Reed and he shook his head. "It's going ok," I told her but I think she sensed there was something going on because she told me she wanted to hear more after I put Alexis down.

"Give Nana kisses," I told Alexis as I held her towards Lucinda. Once Lucinda was done trying to kiss the face off Alexis, I turned to Reed and held out Alexis. "Do you have any kisses left for daddy?" I asked as Reed stood to take her out of my arms.

"Of course she does, don't you Princess?" Alexis replied with a wet kiss on Reed's open mouth.

I went to take her back but Reed wouldn't give her to me, instead me turned to his mom and asked her to excuse us, we needed to put Alexis to bed. I was surprised when his mother just smiled and nodded, I was so sure she would tell him that he didn't need to be there when I put Alexis to bed; it was something his father would certainly say to him.

"I don't know what to do," he confessed once we were in the privacy of Alexis' room. "I can't think of a way to bring it up!"

"Calm down," I whispered as I placed my hand on his arm. "Let's get Alexis in bed and then we'll talk about it." I watched him give Alexis one last kiss goodnight before he bent over her crib and placed her on the mattress.

"Ok," I said once he turned back towards me. "What are we going to do?"

Reed sighed, "I don't know. I told you, I can't think of anything."

We talked for a few minutes but still didn't have anything when we joined Lucinda in the living room.

I guess in the end it was our nervous behavior that tipped her off that there was something on our minds. Of course, she thought the worst. "Is everything ok between the two of you?" She asked us. "I hope you didn't invite me here only to tell me that it wasn't working out."

"No mom!" Reed seemed offended that she even asked that. "Amber and I are doing just fine, we are happy."

"Then why are you two sitting so stiffly on that couch?" She inquired. "Most other times you two would be exchanging glances or touches or whispering to each other at the least. There's something wrong, I know it and I won't leave until you tell me what it is!"

Reed and I turned to each other, he looked just as lost as he did in Alexis' bedroom a few minutes before. "Ok," I sighed, turning back to Lucinda. "To be honest things have been a little strained around here the last couple days Lucinda."

"Oh no," she groaned softly before asking what the problem was.

"Well it has to do with some one I work with," I started to tell her about the phone calls I was receiving late at night - the whispering voice, the accusations and my refusal to believe what the woman was saying.

"Of course you didn't believe it!" Lucinda said disgusted. "The woman was nothing but a tramp who thought she could come between Reed and you but she picked the wrong couple! My Reed loves you!"

I smiled, "Yes he does. I told her this but the calls continued." I went on to tell her about the last call. "This time it was different," I told her how Reed wasn't in the room with me and I forgot that he had gone to check on Alexis. "It wouldn't have made any difference but the voice..." I hesitated for effect, I wanted to see if she would show any response at all.

She didn't. "What voice?" She gave me a questioning look.

"The guy that was with Penny, he must have woken up or something because I heard him for the first time and I swear he sounded so much like Reed," I frowned and told her it was uncanny. "I thought I was hearing things, I thought he was in the room with me but he wasn't."

"Well..." Lucinda tried to say something but she couldn't get it out.

"I ended up running downstairs because I remembered that Reed was checking on Alexis. They weren't in her room but I soon found him sleeping on the couch with our little girl in his arms. But I still heard the voice on the other end of the phone."

"It could be just a coincidence?"

I nodded, "It could be but the way Penny freaked out when she heard Reed talking to me when I woke him made me think that she honestly thought Reed was with her. Which was crazy, right? There is only one like him in the world and" I turned to Reed, taking his hand in mine. "And he's sitting right here."

Lucinda didn't say anything but I heard her making noises. "Lucinda?" Reed and I both turned to her at the same time, she looked so pale, like she was going to pass out.

"No...it's...no!" She stared at us as she shook her head. "It...no!"

"Mom? What's wrong?"

"I have to go!" She said suddenly. "I have to get home." She jumped up but she didn't move anywhere. "I...no..."

"Mom please!" Reed jumped off the couch and was at his mother's side in no time. "Please sit down and tell me what's going on with you."

Lucinda let him help her sit down and she didn't let go of his arm once she was seated. "I..." she looked at him and shrugged helplessly.

Reed closed his eyes, dropped his head to his chest for a moment. When he looked up again, he asked her point blank. "I have a brother, don't I?"

Lucinda's eyes widen for a fraction of a second before she nodded sadly. "Yes Reed you do."

60-Day Evaluation

2007-08-14T11:07:00.000-06:00

My head is spinning. I honestly don't know were to start. I guess I should start with work since that was the thing I was most nervous about when I posted yesterday. I didn't know how I would face Penny after what she did and I didn't know how she would react around me. I didn't want to create an environment at the day care that was unbearable.

When I went into work, both Penny and Nadine were already surrounded by kids. It would take about five minutes before I had Alexis settled in and for Nadine to come over to me and see how we were doing. "It's a ad chilly in here," she whispered as she glanced at Penny. "She hasn't said anything more than she needed to this morning. I haven't got a chance to find out what's up with her."

"I'm betting it has something to do with the fact that she thought she was screwing around with my man and it turns out she wasn't."

"WHAT!?!?!" Nadine's jaw dropped. "How do you know this? Wait! How could she think it was Reed and it not be?"

Out of the corner of my eyes I saw Penny heading over our way. "Couldn't wait to tell everyone about it, could you? I bet you think you are all that but I have news for you, you are nothing. If you weren't here no one would even notice." She spun around and stomped back to the kids that she was helping before I could say anything.

"Oh you have to tell me more about this later," Nadine said before breaking away to go see what the group of kids were doing in the far corner of the room.

I have to admit, it probably wasn't the best place or time to mention anything to Nadine but damn it, I wanted to tell someone. I needed to talk to someone. Since it happened Reed has pretty much not left me alone for five minutes, I'm not sure what that's about but it was starting to get to me. I know he wants to know more about this but I don't know anything more than I've told him and I'm not going to suddenly remember something. I know he wants to be around me because he needs someone to talk too or to bounce stuff off but sometimes I need some time for other things. Thank God we had his mom over to supper last night, he got to direct all his unanswered questions at her.

It's needless to say work was uncomfortable and I was glad that it was over. I was getting Alexis ready to go when Charlie came out of her office and reminded me that we had a meeting. So instead of walking out the front door like I was looking forward too, I headed down the hall towards Charlie's office. Once inside, I set Alexis down on the floor with some toys and went over to sit with Charlie in the same arm chairs that we sat in the say we first met.

I couldn't believe how nervous I was as I sat there watching Charlie as she went through my file. "This is really just a formality," she said finally. "I like to check my staff's progress after 60 days because think that it's enough time to know if we want you to continue with us or not and you know by now if you want to be here. So with that said," she tossed the file on her desk and turned to me. "I have to say I wasn't sure what I was getting into when Devon first came to me about giving you a chance. You didn't have any work history, no references and besides the experience with your little girl, you didn't seem to know what you were doing." I fought the urge to look away when she said that, I didn't know if this was a good thing or a bad thing.

She seemed to pause for dramatic effect. "But you surprised me, what you lacked in work experience you made up for in your willingness to learn and your creative ways to keep the kids entertained while learning various social skills that we love for them to develop at this age." She smiled at me as Alexis crawled over and sat at my feet. "It's been a real joy having you and Alexis join our day care and I hope that we get to enjoy your company long after Alexis has moved on to school."

I couldn't believe it, I thought it would be so different from what it actually was, I expected her to sit there with this form, ask me all sorts of questions and then make me sit there while she figures out how I did. Ok, so I obviously don't know much about how the 'real' world works.

"Now," Charlie smiled at me. "Is there anything that you would like to add?"

"I would like to say that I love working here, it's been so much fun and I've learnt so much. I would like to think you for giving me the chance to do this, you have no idea how important this was to me..." I paused, not really sure if I should get into the whole thing with Penny.

"Is something wrong?" She asked. "I kind of hear a but on the end of that and I'm not sure I like it."

I sighed. "As much as I love working here, working with the kids, I'm not sure if I can do so with the same enthusiasm as before."

"Why do you feel that way Amber? Are you unhappy here?" Charlie sat back in her chair, she looked like she was disappointed and I hated that.

"No, it has nothing to do with the job really, I just...well..." I sighed. "Some thing has happened outside of work that makes it hard for me to trust one of my co-workers; I wish it wasn't this way and I wish there was something I could do about it but I don't know what to do."

Charlie looked away and then turned back to me. "What did Penny do now?" She almost rolled her eyes when she asked that.

"Well...see..."

"Amber just tell me what she did, don't worry about it going pass these walls; everything you say here is confidential."

I took a deep breath, "For a couple weeks now I've been receiving calls late at night. At first I didn't know who it was only that they were claiming that my boyfriend - Alexis' father was cheating on me with them." Charlie's eyes widen as I spoke but she didn't say anything. "I didn't believe it because each time she called, I knew where Reed was and I knew that he wouldn't cheat on me; he just got me to let him back into our" I pointed to Alexis and me "lives so I knew he wouldn't blow something he worked so hard for."

"Then last week she called again, whispering still so I couldn't tell who it was; she insisted that Reed was with her and I even heard a guy's voice. Reed wasn't in bed with me because he had gone to check on Alexis an hour earlier and I almost started to believe her; the guy sounded so much like Reed it was uncanny. I ended up going down stairs to check on Alexis while I was on the phone and found Reed sleeping on the couch with our daughter in his arms. When I told her this she started to freak out, talking in her normal voice and I knew right away it was Penny. I just..." I shrugged.

"I don't know who the guy was that she had with her, she insisted still that it was Reed but there is only one Reed and he was with me. I'm not even going to go into who I think it could be because it's all just speculation but the thing is, I don't think I can work with Penny anymore knowing that she purposely got involved with a guy she thought was Reed, without any consideration for me or the daughter we have together."

Charlie was now sitting back in her chair with her eyes closed and her head in her hand as she let my words sink in. For the longest time she didn't move or speak. I wasn't sure if I should've told her all of this but I felt that she needed to know what was going on, especially since she did give me a chance in the first place.

"I don't want to leave," I told her. "Reed told me that I shouldn't let Penny ruin this for me but I don't know what else to do."

"This is..." Charlie shook her head. "I knew there was something going on with Penny but she wouldn't tell me what it was, my son couldn't even tell me." I gave her a confused look and she frowned. "You didn't know that Colin is my son?"

I gasped. I had no clue that Colin was remotely related to Charlie. Suddenly the room seemed hot and stuffy. "I'm so sorry," I whispered. Although she told me not to be, I couldn't help but feel terrible to be the one to tell her that Penny was cheating on her son.

"I suspected Penny was cheating on Colin for a while now," she admitted. "I was just waiting for her to slip up." Charlie reached out and squeezed my hand. "I'm sorry that she put you through this, I don't want you to worry about anything. I'll take care of Penny."

I asked her what she was going to do and she told me something she wanted to do for a long time but didn't because Colin asked her not too, she wouldn't tell me what that was but I was pretty sure it would end up with Penny searching for a new job. I just hope she has work related reasons to fire her.

When I got home last night, Reed was waiting for me. "So?" He took Alexis from me and set her down before he turned to help me with the diaper bag. "How did it go with Charlie?"

"What time is your mom coming over?" I asked him as I headed to the kitchen to start on supper.

"Don't change the subject," he said as he followed me into the kitchen. "I want to know how your day went."

"It was tense and uncomfortable," I told him as I walked over to the stove where I was surprised to find that he had already started supper. "You did this?" I motioned to the various pots on the stove.

"Yes, I did." He told me that he needed something to keep his mind off his possible brother while he waited for me to get home. "I hope that was ok, I followed the recipe exactly, so it sound be ok."

"Oh Reed!" I turned and threw my arms around his neck, hugging him tight. "I love you so much." He chuckled and made a comment about if he had only knew that cooking was all it took, he would've saved himself a lot of trouble in the last couple months. I laughed, "It's not all it takes," I kissed him before continuing. "But it does help a lot."

Dinner will have to wait until tomorrow, life is getting in the way of my storytelling.

Wound Up

2007-08-13T11:09:00.001-06:00

I wish I had more answers about the guy Penny thought was Reed. I mean hell, I have so many questions! Despite what Reed says, I'm certain that his parents had to have had another child before him. Possibly before they were even married because why else would they have given him up?

I had to stop asking Reed if he spoke to his mother because he was getting really irritated. I guess I don't really blame him, I know I would be irritable if I found out that my parents might have had another baby besides me.

I guess I'll find out more tonight, Reed asked his mom over for supper. "I want to ask her about it when dad isn't around," he told me last night. "I don't know if this guy is my..." he stopped dead.

"Don't know if this guy is what Reed?"

"My brother," he croaked. "He could be my brother..." Reed stared wide eyed at me. "I could have a sibling that I didn't even know about. How could my parents not tell me? Why would they..." he collapsed into the arm chair, he seemed unable to string together a complete sentence.

"Reed?" I knelt in front of him and held his hands. "Until you talk to your mom, you don't really know if this guy could be related to you. Maybe Penny was just trying to mess us up and just happened to have a guy over the other night."

"And he just happened to sound like me?"

I shrugged, "Maybe I thought he sounded like you because she was claiming..."

"I would never cheat on you!" He told me forcefully. "I love you with all my heart Amber; there will never be another woman who could take your place." He tugged on my hands until I rose from my knees and sat in his lap. "You have to know that Amber, you have to know how much you mean to me."

"I do Reed, I knew she was full of it. I told her over and over again that you loved me and would never cheat on me."

I'm not sure how long we sat in that arm chair last night but it seemed to help him get a handle on his emotions. "I hope mom has some answers," he told me.

In other news, Janie and Devon tried to get Reed and I to join them for dinner the other night but with everything that happened Reed told Devon that we would have to pass. "I can't talk about it just yet," I heard him tell Devon. "But when I know more, I'll be looking for a friend to unload onto." I'm not sure what Devon said but Reed laughed.

So that's all I know at this moment. I have a meeting with Charlie after work today, it's supposed to be my 60-day evaluation - well it's a couple weeks late but that's ok. I told Reed that I was thinking about giving my notice because I couldn't stand to work with Penny after what she did.

He got mad. "Don't you dare let that tramp take away something you've been dreaming about your whole life! You love it there darling, you can't just quit! Think about it some more and talk to Charlie before you decide to leave."

"But what about if Penny -"

"What if she what?" He asked.

"What if she continues to do this?"

"If she's smart, she wouldn't. She's already made a fool of herself, I don't think she'll try again."

I know I shouldn't let her get to me but it was a big thing, to go get involved with someone she thought was Reed. How did I get on the top of her list of people to 'destroy'? I wasn't mean to her. Why do people try to hurt innocent people? And why would she do that when she knew we have a child together? Are people really that cruel?

Anyway, I'll let you all know what happens with Charlie and Lucinda.

Trying To Make Sense Of It All

2007-08-11T07:50:00.000-06:00

"No!" I told her. "I don't care what you say, I know Reed loves me and he wouldn't cheat on me!"

"Are you really that stupid?" She asked. "I'm telling you the truth, you heard him yourself."

"No," I repeated.

"Fine," she snapped. "Don't believe me, I don't really care. It's not like he's going to stop banging me if you knew or not."

"Reed loves me you sleazy whore! He would never cheat on me, he has gone through so much just to get me back in his life, why would he give all this up for the likes of you?"

"Whatever," the woman yawned. "Believe what you want. I think I hear the shower running," she told me. "I'm going to go join him."

I rolled my eyes, "Have fun in the shower by yourself, you crazy bitch!"

"I won't be by myself," she laughed. "Oh! And did I tell you? He told me that I'm the best he's ever had."

"Sure he did," I pushed back the blankets and crawled out of bed. I don't know why but I didn't want to hang up because if it was true, I didn't want her to go and join him anywhere. Reed is mine! If he is cheating on me, there is no way I'm going to let me see Alexis again. We'll leave town first! I stopped. Alexis! He was calming her down!

"You know what I'm telling you is the truth," she said. "Why don't you do us both a favor and leave him alone? It's sad how you refuse to let go of a man who obviously don't love you."

"You are wrong!" I snapped at her as I ran down the stairs. Please be with Alexis, I pleaded as I whipped down the stairs.

"You heard him!" She was getting more and more upset, I wasn't sure how much longer it would be before she stopped whispering and started to yell at me.

"If it was him, why wasn't he more concerned about who you were talking too?" I asked her. "I told him about the crazy claims you were making and he -"

"What?" She cut me off. "He told you I was lying?"

"Not exactly," I told her as I pushed open Alexis' door and my heart sank because Reed wasn't in there. "He didn't need to tell me you were lying, I know you are lying."

"I'm not lying," she insisted. "I'll prove it again." There was silence on her side of the phone as I made my way down the hall towards the living room. "Someone wants to talk to you," I heard her say over the sound of the shower running.

"Come on love," I cringed when I heard his voice again. "I'm in the shower. Why don't you hang up and join me?"

"In a minute," she told him. "Now do you believe me?" She asked me.

"Believe you?" I stopped short when I heard the voice again. "Who are you talking too?"

"No one," the woman said and she must've left the bathroom because the noise of the water was gone. "What do you have to say for yourself now Amber?"

I stood frozen in my tracks, I could feel the tears as they started to roll down my cheeks. "I think you are crazy," I told her. "Reed loves me."

"Yet he's here with me," she said smugly.

"No he's not," I told her. "He's right here where he belongs."

Suddenly the woman wasn't whispering anymore. "NO HE'S NOT! HE'S IN MY SHOWER YOUR STUPID BITCH! HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU! HE LOVES ME!"

"No," I told her softly. "He's not with you, he's sleeping here on the couch with our daughter in his arms."

She started to say he wasn't but I wasn't listening anymore. "Reed?" I knelt beside the couch where he must've taken Alexis when she wouldn't calm down in her room. "Reed honey?" I shook him gently and he jumped.

"Hey darling," he yawned but smiled up at me. "What are you doing down here?" He noticed my cell in my hand. "Who are you talking to Amber?"

I went to tell him it was the woman who claimed he was cheating on me but the horrible cry from the other end of the phone stopped me. "No!" She cried, "Reed is here with me, he's in my shower! You heard him Amber!"

Two things hit me at that moment. One was the fact that she wasn't as crazy as I thought she was, there was someone with her who she was certain was Reed; he did sound a lot like him and I couldn't help but wonder if he looked like Reed too.

And two? Well....

"I don't know who the hell is in your shower Penny but like I've told you since the first time you called me. It isn't Reed! He's here with me and he would never cheat on me with the likes of you! Reed loves me!"

I snapped my cell closed with a force that I was sure would break it but I didn't care. All I cared about was the fact that I was right, Reed wasn't cheating on me.

"Let's go to bed Reed," I said when he asked me what was going on. "Let's put Alexis back in her crib and I'll tell you everything."

Ten minutes later Reed and I were curled up in bed, I was telling him all about the calls and how this time I heard the guy's voice. "He sounds so much like you Reed and if Penny though he was you, he must look an awful lot like you."

"But that doesn't make sense Amber, there's no way someone could look that much like me."

"Unless he is related to you," I told him.

Reed shook his head. "I don't have any cousins or anyone in my family who look that much like me and you know I don't have any brothers."

I went to tell him that I knew but I stopped. "Reed?" I gripped his shoulder and stared up at him.

"What Amber?"

"Nothing," I shook my head, it had to be nothing right? I mean there wasn't any way that it was possible, Reed would know about it. But yet...

"Amber it's not nothing!" Reed sat up and pulled me with him. "You have that look on your face that tells me you know something! What do you know?"

What did I know? I didn't really know much but a conversation that I had with his mother came rushing back. At the time I didn't think any thing of it but now?

"AmberLynn Sands tell me what you are thinking this minute!"

I almost laughed when I looked up at him but the seriousness of the situation stopped me. "Your mother made a comment to me once, we were talking about Alexis and how I decided to go against everyone and keep her." He nodded and waited for me to continue. "It's the comment she made that I couldn't quiet figure out at the time, like she knew from experience what it was like to be in my situation."

Reed shook his head. "My parents only had one child...me."

"Did they?" I asked him. "Is it possible your mother had a baby before you?"

Although Reed swore up and down that there was no way either of his parents had a child besides him, I could tell that he wasn't so sure anymore. "Ok," I sighed. "Let's forget that there's a guy out there who looks and sounds like you, it has to be a coincidence, right?"

"Right."

Yesterday he tried to get a hold of his mother but she wasn't in. Penny wasn't at work yesterday either so I didn't geta chance to kill her...I mean talk to her about the guy she thought was Reed.

But now that I know who has been calling me, I don't know if I can continue to work with her. What am I going to do?

Don't Rain On My Parade!

2007-08-10T07:14:00.000-06:00

We are starting to fall into a routine and I'm not sure I like it. Since we don't have to make plans to see each other, hell we don't even have to make an effort to see each other, things are not as much fun as they were before. We don't go out that much, in fact if it wasn't for work, I don't think I would see much of the outside world at all.

I knew that this was going to happen, I thought I wanted it to happen but if I'm feeling a little out of sorts now when it hasn't been a week since we moved in together. How am I going to feel a couple months down the road? Will I get bored of him? Will he get bored of me? This really worries me, I don't want any other man but him, that's the whole reason I gave up my place and moved in with him because I didn't want to be without him. I'm not regretting this decision, I just don't want our passion to fizzle out.

So with this weighting heavily on my mind, I decided to approach Reed about it. "I want to talk to you about something," I told him as we exited Alexis' room. We wandered out into the living room, he immediately went to the couch where he collapsed onto the cushions. I watched him as he leaned back, tilted his head back and ran his hands over his face while yawning; when he dropped his hands from his face, they fell into his lap.

There was a long silence, he was still leaning back into the couch, his eyes closed.

"Amber?" Reed's eyes opened as he lifted his head off the back of the couch. "What are you doing over there?" He frowned. "Is something wrong?"

When I hesitated Reed sat forward. "Darling what's wrong?"

Taking a deep breath I told him what was on my mind. "Not that a routine is bad," I told him when I was done. "I mean there has to be some kind of routine, other wise life would be more chaotic than we could handle I just don't want..." I sighed. "I don't want our passion to die like so many other couples that we know."

Reed sat with his elbows were on his knees and his chin rested on top of his hands as he stared up at me; he was thinking, trying to figure out what to tell me to ease my concerns. I could tell by the way his eyes flicked over me when I told him my concerns, that he didn't think we were falling into a routine. "Amber I don't know what you want me to do," he raised a brow. "Are you bored? Am I not giving you enough attention? Love?"

"No! Of course not Reed! This isn't about me being bored and it's not about attention or love; I know you love me. I just want to spend time with you outside of the house, I want to..." I knew I wasn't making sense, I'm sure he didn't see the issue I was talking about and I really didn't blame him; it wasn't really an issue. Ok it was starting to become an issue and I didn't want it to get to the point where it snowballs and actually ruins our relationship but then again, my worrying about something that might not happen wasn't the best thing for us either.

I shook my head and laughed at myself. "I'm sorry," I went to join him on the couch. "I guess I want us to be perfect and I'm scared that something could get in the way of it." I sighed. "I'm scared."

Reed gazed down at me for a moment then he said something I didn't expect. "I'm scared too Amber."

"You are?" I was surprised. "I thought you were so sure of everything all the time?"

"No," Reed chuckled and pulled me onto his lap. "I'm not sure of anything besides that I love you and our little girl. I want us to be perfect too darling but there will be times when it seems that nothing is right and those are the times that we need to be there for each other. It won't be easy, you may even want to kill me at times but I believe that we can weather whatever storm that passes through our lives."

"I feel so silly," I confessed.

"Don't," he told me. "I never want you to feel silly. How will we get through any issues that arise if you don't tell me what you are feeling?"

I gasped, "you mean you can't tell what I'm feeling?"

Reed smiled, "I think you are feeling my heart beating right now," he glanced down at my hand for a second before his eyes met mine again.

"Passion," I whispered.

He raised a brow. "What?"

I giggled. "I see the passion in those eyes of yours mister and you know what?" Reed shook his head slightly. I leaned down, my lips brushed his cheek as I said, "I think you should release that passion," I pulled back to gaze into his eyes. "Don't hold anything back."

His eyes flashed, "I think that's a great idea," he told me. "I'll make sure the door is locked." With that said, he damn near pushed me off his lap.

"I'll be upstairs," I told him. "Don't take too long, I might be asleep!"

He turned from the front door and gave me this really heated look. "The hell you will!" He started to run towards me and I took off down the hall and up the stairs.

I was laughing when I reached the bed as I heard him bounding up the stairs two or three at a time.

When he turned the corner, I was laying across the bed on my back, pretending to be asleep. I heard him chuckle, "Now why don't I believe that?"

A smile spread across my face as his hands slipped up my legs as he joined me, knelt over me on the bed. "Open your eyes my love," he whispered hoarsely. "I want you to see as well as feel every single one of my kisses."

Making love with Reed last night was anything but routine.

Neither was waiting up around 1 to Alexis crying from her crib. Reed told me he would see to her and he slipped out of bed, grabbing his robe before he disappeared downstairs. I must have fallen asleep because the next thing I knew it was 2 and I was being rudely pulled from my sleep by the ring of my cell phone which rested on my night stand.

I rubbed my eyes and yawned into the phone. "Hello?"

"Hello Amber," the whispering 'other woman' giggled. "When are you going to realize that Reed is so cheating on you?"

I went to tell her she was losing her mind because Reed was sleeping next to me but when I turned he wasn't there.

"Nothing to say?" The woman sounded so arrogant. "I guess I wouldn't have anything to say either, who would want to admit that they are being made a fool?"

There was some rustling on her end of the phone and then I heard it. Reed's voice. "Love, who are you talking to?"

I glanced up thinking there was no way the voice came from the other end of the phone but I was the only one in our room. "What the hell?" I snapped before I could stop myself.

The woman laughed, "I told you so."

Not Much Is Going On

2007-08-08T12:59:00.001-06:00

I thought that my life would seem less busy when I moved in with Reed because I wouldn't be having to make plans to 'see' him. But boy was I wrong! No, I don't have to make plans to see him now, he's home every night after work. We have suppper, play with Alexis before putting her down for the night and then we have some 'us' time.

That's another thing! I didn't realize how different it would be to go to bed with Reed after I moved in. Ok, I know that sounds strange and I don't really know how to explain it but it just feels so different laying next to him now; not bad, just different, almost unreal? Like I'm dreaming? But that doesn't make sense.

Maybe I'm just waiting for something to happen to burst this bubble he's got me all wrapped up in.

Spreading The Good Word

2007-08-06T11:10:00.001-06:00

When I told Reed that Alexis and I wanted to move into the house, he was overjoyed to say the least. Actually his first question, after he made me tell him about twenty times that 'yes, we want to live with you', was 'can we wake Alexis up now? can we move you in now?' Of course, he was only kidding, at least I think he was kidding! Although I'm betting if I did say yes to him, he would've ran and woke her up.

I spent a good half hour that night sitting on the couch watching him bounce around the living room with the phone in his hand as he called everyone he knew to tell them that I was moving in with him - even his father.

Pretty much the conversation with his father went like this from his side.

"She's moving in with me!" He said the second his father answered the phone. "It's Reed!"
"Yes! Amber! She told me just now! I'm so happy dad!" He listened for a while, smiling the whole time. "Ok dad. I'll talk to you later - what? oh yeah, sure." At this point he came over and gave me a kiss. "Yes! Isn't it great mom? I can't believe it myself, I didn't think this would ever happen! Uh huh...yeah...yeah...ok...yeah ok...ok I'll tell her. Bye mom, have a good night."

When he hung up the phone, before he started to dial another number, I reached out and grabbed the phone from him. "I have to tell my parents before you tell anyone else! Otherwise your parents will beat to me it and my parents will be upset."

"I don't think so," he plopped down beside me and grabbed the phone from me. "I'll call them!" He dialed my parents number and held the phone to his ear. "It's ringing," he told me. "Ring...ring...rin - oh hey Carl!" Reed turned a little red and then said, "Amberneedstotellyousomething," before shoving the phone at me.

What did my father think I had to tell him?

Why that I was pregnant of course!

"No!" I exclaimed when he told me that he wasn't ready to be a grandfather again and asked me if I was pregnant. "It's not that, I just...well..." I didn't realize that it would be this hard to tell him that I was moving in with Reed. "See the thing is..."

"Amberlynn, if you aren't pregnant then there's no reason to be worried about telling me what's on your mind."

I sighed, "Well I didn't think it would be but I don't want you to be upset."

"Upset?" My dad repeated. "Why would I be upset?"

"Well I just..." Reed took my hand in his and I turned towards him, he looked worried, as if I would change my mind. Taking a deep breath I told my father that I was grateful for all the love and support he and my mother gave me since I've come back. "But dad I think it's time for me to move on to the next phase of my life, my future with Reed. I just told him that Alexis and I want to move in to the house with him; we want to be a family."

My dad was silent for a while.

"Dad?" Reed gave my hand a squeeze. "Dad please say something? Anything?"

It seemed like a couple more minutes passed by before he said, "Amberlynn if you told me this a couple months ago I would've been upset because you really weren't ready to take that step; that's why I offered you the guest house for as long as you wanted it. In the last couple months, you've grown, become your own person. I'm so proud of the young lady you are today; your mother and I are both really proud of what you've done for yourself and for Alexis." My dad paused for a second and then said. "I believe that you are ready for this step."

"Thank you dad," I smiled and handed the phone to Reed because dad wanted to talk to him.

"Hello?" Reed listened for the longest time and finally he said. "Yes sir, I will...no, of course not." He gave me a smile as I wrapped my arms around him and rested my head on his shoulder. "Yes, we will sir...very soon."

When he hung up the phone, I asked what my dad said. "He told me that if I hurt you, he would ruin me."

I grinned, "Well we don't have to worry about that."

By the time the night ended, everyone who mattered to us, knew that we were going to be living together soon.

Most of the weekend was spent packing up all of our stuff and moving it to the house.

Reed wants to have a house warming party now that Alexis and I are living there with him but I don't know. Can you still have a house warming party if one of the people have been living in the house for a while? I don't know...maybe I should brush up on my 'housewarming' rules.

In other news, the night that Reed called his father to tell him our news, was the same night that Lucinda met with Roger for the first time since she left. She told me yesterday that she decided to take a page from my book, give Roger a second chance but still keep her place. "I love him," she told me. "I don't want to get a divorce nor do I want to be without him but he hurt me when he said he didn't marry for love so I'm making him prove he loves me before I take him back!"

I really hope that it works out for them because I know Reed is worried about the status of his parent's relationship; I think he's afraid that one day that will be us. I take every chance I get to tell him I love him and why. Just last night I told him that I loved the way he crinkled his forehead at me whenever I say something that sounds a little crazy.

And what did he do?

He crinkled his forehead and gave me the 'you're crazy' look.

Tell Me Again Why I Should Care?

2007-08-04T10:58:00.000-06:00

Maybe it was the fact that Penny wasn't there or maybe it was the adorable little kids that I have the pleasure of spending time with everyday that work yesterday didn't seem to be all that bad, despite the lack of sleep and bitchy mood that I was in.

But I was still glad when the time came for all the parents to come to get their children; I wanted to go home and wallow in my self pity for a while, after I went to see what Janie wanted that if.

While Nadine met the parents and saw the kids off, I was doing the last minute clean up; putting supplies and toys away, just little things like that. Alexis was following me around, wanting to get up when we both heard a very familiar voice greeting Nadine.

"Dada!" Alexis soon forgot about following me and took off like a shot, her little bum wiggling back and forth as she crawled over to where Reed had knelt down to pick her up. "Dadadadada," she repeated all the way over there, her excitement to see him very plain to see.

Me on the other hand, I couldn't stand the sight of him at that moment, no matter how much I wanted to run to him. I was mad at him, the anger of the last couple days was now surfacing and I felt like I would lose it on him in front of everyone.

I made my way into the supply room, pretending that I was grabbing some stuff but there wasn't really anything that we needed. I knew before he spoke that he had followed me. "Hello darling," he said softly as his hand rested on the small of my back. "How was your-" I moved away from him without acknowledging his presence. "Amber?" He moved along side me, I could feel his eyes on me as I pretended to look for something in the bins of paper in front of me.

He sighed, "I know you are mad at me and I don't really blame you but if you give me a chance, I could explain what's been going on. How about I take you out for supper?"

"You don't have to explain anything to me," I told him without looking at him. "But Alexis might love it if you take her out for supper, she has been wondering why you didn't seem to care to check in on her."

"Of course I cared!"

I glanced at him, "Of course you did." I shook my head, "It showed in all the time you've spent with her over the last couple days." The supply room suddenly seemed so much smaller than it actually was, I had to get out of there.

There main room of the day care was empty of children, the only people who stood in there were Nadine and Chris, who had come to pick her up. "Chris!" I smiled at him as I made my way over to where they were. "It's so good to see you, how have you been?"

He hesitated a moment, his eyes focused on the man behind me who was probably giving some really dirty looks while I ignored him. "I'm fine," he told me. "How about you? Is everything ok?"

I nodded, "Of course it is."

Nadine told me that they had to go, "you don't mind locking up, do you?" I told her I didn't mind, for her to have fun at the party her and her husband were going to that night.

Without a word to Reed, I went around the room to make sure everything was where it was supposed to be and when I was satisfied that we didn't miss anything, I grabbed Alexis' bag and made my way over to where Reed was standing. "You'll need this," I shoved the bag at him.

We made our way out of the building and down to our cars in relative silence. I walked with them to his car because I wanted to say bye to Alexis but Reed thought I was going with him, it seemed. "You can get in," he told me as he strapped Alexis in. "This won't take that long."

"I'm not going with you," I told him.

"Amber come on," he sighed. "It's been a long week and I just want to spend time with you and Alexis, fill you in on what's been keeping me away the last couple days."

"Maybe I don't care," I said before I thought about what I was saying. Reed turned around quickly, staring at me in total dismay. Closing my eyes, I sighed. "Ok maybe I do care but I'm not going with you, I have plans."

"With who?" He asked before asking me to cancel my plans. But I held firm, I wasn't cancelling my plans, he would just have to deal with it.

"I have to go," I told him. "I'm already late." After leaning into the car to give Alexis a kiss, I turned to walk away but Reed stopped me. Turning me around to him, he lowered his head, brushing his lips against my cheek. "We'll talk when you get home," he told me. "I have so much to tell you."

And apparently he wasn't the only one.

I walked into the restaurant where I was meeting Janie, she was already there and had been for the last twenty minutes she told me. "I wasn't sure you were coming," she said, stirring what seemed to be her second milkshake according to the empty glass already on the table.

"Sorry," I mumbled, filling her in on the last couple days and Reed's lack of consideration when it came to checking in on Alexis. "He says he has a good explanation but I don't see why he couldn't call at all."

"If he says he has a good explanation Amber, I would believe him. I mean, it's not like Reed is the type of guy who would leave you worrying if he could prevent it."

I was about to agree with her when I stopped. "What do you know?" I asked her. "Do you know where he's been the last couple night? What he's been doing?"

"Amber I -"

"Janie tell me!"

"Reed was with Devon," she told me.

"Of course," I rolled my eyes. "Devon is so much more important to him than the child we share together."

"If you are going to be like that," Janie snapped at me, "I'm not going to tell you anything else!"

I tried to apologize to her and get her to explain further why Reed was with Devon but she wouldn't tell me anything. "Wait a minute," I stared at her. "How do you know he was with Devon? Are you talking to Devon again?" Janie gave me a smile and blushed. "Janie, please tell me."

"I haven't been talking to him long," she started. "I really only ran into him last night and I tried to leave but he wouldn't let me." She laughed, "He kind of kidnapped me! He told me it was for my own good and by the end of the night, I would have to decide whether I was going to give him another chance or crush his heart, making him live out the rest of his life as a bitter, lonely man."

I laughed, "Devon said that?"

Janie nodded, "I really couldn't believe it myself but since he did kidnap me, what was I supposed to do?"

"So what happened? Did he tell you everything? What about Cary?"

"Cary and I are done," she told me. "I couldn't live with the guilt on not feeling guilty that I slept with Devon so I told him about it. He didn't seem too surprised, he told me that he suspected that there was still something between the two of us on Canada Day." Janie giggled, "How could he not? Devon made it very clear how he felt, even if I was too blind to see it at the time!"

"I'm not sorry that we are through, how could I be? I didn't really love him, I was just so hurt that Devon was moving on without me. I've always loved him Amber and it was good for a while but I tried to push him into something he wasn't ready for at the time, so we broke up and then the whole Annette thing happened."

I went to say 'Kelly' when Janie stopped me. "I guess her name is really Kelly," she shook her head. "I can't believe his parents did that to him but I'm really glad he found out before they got married."

"So he told you everything then?" I didn't want to mention his inability to have children if he didn't get to that part yet.

"Not at first he didn't, he seemed a little embarrassed about something. I asked what it was but he told me nothing. And then Reed, who had been busy painting -"

I sat up straighter in my chair and stared at her. "Painting? What was he painting? You seen him?"

Janie nodded, "Yes Amber, Reed was at the house that Devon brought me too. He actually seemed really pissed when he saw me, I didn't understand why until Reed threw down the brush he had in his hand, I never seen him so mad in my life! He started to yell at Devon, 'What the hell is this? For the last two nights you've worked me like a dog, not even letting me have five minutes to call Amber to tell her what's going on! Not letting me stop to grab something to eat! And god forbid if I needed to go to the bathroom! You said this had to be done tonight! And you take off, supposedly for food, only to come back with just Janie?? Where the hell is the food Devon and why the hell did I even agree to help you in the first place? I'm leaving before Amber never talks to me again!'"

"He didn't leave," I stated.

Janie shook her head, "It was already midnight by then."

"I was still up," I told her. "I didn't sleep at all."

"They had to finish," she told me. "Devon even let me help! That's how badly he needed to finish!"

"What did they need to finish? And why did it have to be done now?"

Janie shook her head. "Devon should've let Reed call you but the second he got to the house, Devon stole his keys and cell phone! I guess he was determined to finish," Janie laughed.

I love Reed but a fighter isn't who he is, if he was there would be no way Devon could've gotten away with taking his stuff. "Reed must've thought the project was important?"

Janie nodded, "Devon bought a house and Reed was helping him get it ready to live in; painting, some minor repair stuff."

"But why the rush?"

"I guess Devon had bought the house for Kelly - no that's a lie, he bought it for them for after they got married because he hated the house she was living in, he didn't feel at home at all." Janie went on to tell me that the house Kelly was living in was being rented by his parents and since they didn't get married, his parents stopped paying for the house. "They were kicking her out into the street!" Janie exclaimed, "I couldn't believe it! Devon told me he was so mad, he felt that he owed it to Kelly and her baby to make sure that she didn't end up there."

"So he gave her the house?" Janie nodded. "How does that make you feel?"

"At first I thought maybe he really did care for her but then he told me about..." she looked at me. "He can't have children," she whispered. "I didn't know that."

"I'm so glad he finally told you."

"Yeah," she said sadly and then frowned. "I can't believe he thought I wouldn't want him! I don't care if he can't get me pregnant! We can always adopt! I told him that and he told me that's what you told him!" Then Janie laughed.

"What?"

"We were finishing the last wall in the house as we were talking, I sort of forgot that Reed was there until Devon mentioned your name. Reed turned to us, after threatening Devon's life if you didn't talk to him again, he told Devon he owed you a huge apology for the way he treated you when you were just trying to make him see how stupid he was being."

Before I left the restaurant last night, Janie had told me how it was after two in the morning when they finally finished. "Reed ran out of there as soon as Devon gave him his keys, he was dialing your number as he went but before he got to his car, he yelled back to tell Devon to run, he was going to kick his ass because you weren't answering the phone!"

"Reed didn't call me," I told her. "I would've answered it if he did!"

"Yes he did," she told me. "I watched him as he dialed your number again and I even tried to call you when you didn't answer but you ignored my call too."

"I didn't ignore any one's call!" I told her. "My phone didn't ring! Well it did, but it wasn't either one of you!" I told her about the mystery calls and she just laughed.

"That chick is crazy! Reed wouldn't even think about it! He doesn't even notice other women!"

With half on the information I needed, I headed home where I wasn't surprised to find Reed and Alexis waiting for me. I didn't say much to him at first, I just went about getting Alexis ready for bed. I did take a couple good looks at him when he wasn't looking and I was surprised to see how tired he looked but he was so on edge at the same time. I could feel his eyes on me when I wasn't looking at him, I felt that he wanted to badly to say something to me but he was holding out until Alexis was settled in her crib.

Once Alexis was down, I headed to my room where the phone was still in the corner of the room, making that annoying sound it makes when it's left off the hook. "What is the phone doing there?" Reed asked as he followed me.

"I got a call I wasn't expecting," I told him. "It was your girlfriend again."

"Amber the only woman in my life is -"

I shot his a look over my shoulder and he stopped. "Who? Me?"

"Yes!" He exclaimed. "You know that you are the only one I'm seeing! The only one I ever want to see!" He waited for a moment but when I didn't say anything, he sighed. "You have every right to be mad at me Amber, I didn't see or talk to you in the last couple days but it's not like I -"

"Not like you what?" I cut him off. "Five minutes Reed, that's all it would've taken to let me know what was going on! You had all day to do that and you didn't! You let me think that you were mad at me! Do you have any idea how worried and scared I've been the last couple days? I didn't know where you were! I couldn't get a hold of you! I went to your house -"

"I know," he said softly as he moved towards me. "I knew the second I walked into the house that you were there and even though I didn't see the Jeep out front, I was hoping that I would find you waiting for me."

"I left you a note," I told him as his hands slipped into my waist.

"I saw that," he smiled at me. "You have no idea how much I needed to hear the words you wrote; if you couldn't be there waiting for me, reading that card and finding out that you loved me and missed me as much I as I did you, made me so happy Amber."

He lowered his head, he was going to kiss me, I knew that but I had something I needed to tell him. "Alexis and I are moving," I blurted out.

Reed froze, he didn't say anything, he looked so shocked and I didn't blame him, there was no way he knew that was coming. "We don't like it here anymore," I told him. "We aren't happy."

"Amber," he sounded a little tortured as he spoke. "You can't mean that! We are finally together and Alexis is growing more and more beautiful everyday! How can you not be happy? What can I do to change it? I can't bare to let you go!"

"It's true, we are together and Alexis is growing every day but still there's something missing Reed, there's something not right with how things are."

"Tell me what's wrong!" He demanded.

"We don't belong here," I glanced around my parents guest house that has been our home for a while. "We aren't happy here and we found a place where we are happy, I think the move will be good for all of us," I stared up at him, he looked so hurt, so unsure of himself and I realized that he didn't know what I was talking about; I was scaring him. "The place we want to move too it's - well I guess you could say it was made for us."

"Amber," Reed grabbed me by the arms, he looked so angry. "I'm not letting you do this! You aren't leaving me or taking Alexis away from me! I know you love me and I don't care how 'made' for you that..." his voice trailed off as something finally clicked into place in his mind.

"I'm sorry?" I smiled up at him. "You were saying something?"

He closed his eyes, I could hear him count to ten before he growled and pulled me into his arms. "You are trying to kill me, aren't you? Letting me think that you..." his mouth came crashing down on mine before he finished that sentence. His kiss was demanding and hungry but yet there was a gentleness to it. "Do you mean it?" He asked when he pulled back from me.

"Yes," I gazed into his eyes and smiled. "Alexis and I want you to take us home where we belong."

And Screw You Too!

2007-08-03T09:59:00.000-06:00

No not you...I have nothing against you. I'm just in a terrible mood.

I don't want to go to work, I didn't get any sleep at all again last night. I wish I could say it was because Reed came over and we spent the night making up for the last couple nights that we weren't together but that's not what happened.

I didn't get any sleep because I was up all night making myself sick.

Reed didn't call me or come see me. The only message I had on my phone when I got home from my parents house was from Janie asking me to give her a call. I didn't want to call her back but she sounded like she really needed to talk, so I called her. We are meeting tonight for supper, she says she needs to talk.

Is it wrong that I really don't want to hear it? That I have so much on my mind that I would rather not go for supper with her?

But if I don't, what will I do? Sit around here waiting for Reed to grace me with his presence? Or have the frigging decency to call to see how Alexis is? Screw that! I'm not doing that, I'll just drive myself crazy...er.

Like I said in the beginning, I don't want to go to work but I have too because Penny is off today so that would only leave Nadine with the kids, which isn't a good thing and not to mention the day care could get in trouble for it.

I thought that Alexis wasn't really noticing that Reed hasn't been around because she hadn't been calling out to him but this morning I woke up to a continuous stream of 'dadadada'. I'll tell you one thing, that man better have a damn good excuse for not being here to see his daughter or he'll be the sorriest man in the world.

I'm trying hard not to let this kill me slowly with each passing second but as you can see, it's not working. It is killing me not to see him, or to hear from him or to...I miss him so much. I tried to call him at work a few minutes ago but his secretary said that he was in a meeting. "I'll get him to call you when he's free," she told me but I'm not really expecting to hear from him.

I feel so...I don't even know how I feel. I'm sure that there's a damn good reason that I haven't heard from him but still, there's that part of me that is really freaking out.

And hey, guess who called me last night? At 2 in the morning?

Yeah, the whispering bitch who is claiming that Reed is cheating on me.

I hung up on her and threw the phone across the room.

Well...I guess I better get to work....it's going to be a fun day...sigh.

I'm Crazy...

2007-08-02T15:54:00.001-06:00

...completely and totally crazy!

Why do I say that? Because I called in sick at work and I'm now sitting in Reed's office at the house while I wait for the dryer to stop so I can fold it all his clothes neatly and put them away.

But maybe that's not the craziest thing I've done so far today.

I came over here around noon when I finally stopped feeling sorry for myself but before I got here, I stopped at the grocery store to buy a whole bunch of fresh fruits and vegetables, some meat and fresh bread. And then I ran to the flower shop. That's right the flower shop! I'm so embarrassed, I bought Reed flowers!

What a stupid girl thing to do!

And if that wasn't bad enough, the message I wrote on the card (oh yes, I got a card too!) read, 'Reed, since the moment you freed me from the tree, I knew that you were special and you would play an important role in my life. I'm so proud of the beautiful daughter we share and even more proud to be your love, your darling. I've missed you so much these last couple nights, it's so lonely without you. I love you more than words can say. Amber.'

Ok, I actually couldn't fit all that on the tiny little card that they give with the flowers so I ran to the store to pick out a blank card which I wrote all that on.

I had the groceries, the flowers and the card so I drove out to the house.

When I let myself into the house, I looked for signs that Reed was home at least some point during the night but besides the fact that the messages from me were no longer waiting to be heard, there wasn't a sign and I was starting to feel a little uneasy again.

Until I went upstairs. I walked into his room and almost cried out in relief when I saw his unmade bed. Which not only told me he was home last night but that he also slept in because he never leaves the bed messed up.

I went over to the bed, planning on making it up but instead I did something really dumb because I missed him. After I put Alexis down on the bed, I crawled into it and curled up with his pillow. I think Alexis thinks I'm crazy because she sat up and was giving me this strange look as I held the pillow against the lower part of my face, so I could breath in his scent.

Good lord, I sound like a crazy woman! Good thing he loves me otherwise there'd be a restraining order against me!

I'm not sure how long I was laying in his bed, all I know is that within moments tears were rolling down my cheeks as I started to wonder what I would do with out him. Sure I didn't rely on him for any of the necessities in life and he would always want to be a part of Alexis' life but just thinking about how lost and lonely I felt when I lived in the apartment scared me. I don't want to go back to that. I want to spend the rest of my life with Reed.

Finally I managed to drag myself out of his bed. In the next couple hours, I cleaned the house (not that it was dirty), I did his laundry and I started on the stew that I was planning on making for his supper. It's ready so all he has to do is heat it up when he comes home.

Once the dryer stops, I'll fold and put away his clothes. Then Alexis and I will leave, we are going to my parents house. Why? Because I know I'll go crazy sitting around waiting for him to come home.

Hopefully my parents are big enough distractions.

Hopefully Reed will call me or come over.

And hopefully he won't think I'm totally nuts.

Feeling Sucky

2007-08-02T11:20:00.001-06:00

Everything sucked yesterday. Maybe it was because I was in a grumpy mood because I didn't get any sleep at all. I don't like it when Reed is upset with me and spending the night alone didn't help. And spending two nights alone? I'm likely to rip some one's head off today.

Yeah so I tried to call Reed yesterday after I got off work but there was no answer on his cell or at home. At first I was telling myself that he was busy with work stuff and that's why he didn't call me back but when it came time to put Alexis to bed and I didn't hear from him, I was started to imagine all sorts of horrible stuff.

And then the mystery calls came jumping to the front of my mind. I didn't want to even go there but I couldn't help myself. So like the deranged childish person I am, I got Alexis ready and drove out to the house, only to find it dark and empty.

I was going to stay there and wait until he got home but I couldn't do it. It may sound crazy but I wasn't sure I wanted to know if he was cheating or not. I know! I have no proof and the mystery caller has been bullshitting every time that she called but still...

Sigh.

I'm crazy. And I'm unintentionally ruining the best thing I have going in my life.

I just keep going back and forth between knowing he loves me and wouldn't cheat to maybe he would because I've been a stupid cow lately.

I'm hoping that I get a hold of him tonight when I get home, I'm not sure I can take another night without him. I miss him so much.

Turning The Tables

2007-08-01T10:03:00.001-06:00

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Devon yelled at me when he caught up to me as I was about to get into my car.

"What's wrong with me?" I whipped around. "What the hell is wrong with you?" Devon rolled his eyes. "Don't roll your eyes at me you jerk! How dare you lie and cheat your way back into Janie's bed only to disappear without a frigging word?"

"I didn't lie or cheat! Nor did I disappear! I'm still here!"

"Why is your condo empty?" I asked him.

"What?" He seemed confused. "My condo? The one that I haven't lived in since I moved in with An - fuck! Kelly? The one that I put up for sale the week I was supposed to get married? The one that I sold and have been moving my stuff out of for the last couple days?" He crossed his arms over his chest. "I don't know Amber, why don't you tell me why it's empty?"

Ok, I have to admit, I didn't know any of that besides that he wasn't living there in the last couple months. "Oh," was all I could think to say.

"Oh?" He repeated. "Is that all you have to say? You get all snippy with me, call me a jerk and say all sorts of horrible things to me and all you have to say is 'oh'?" Devon uncrossed his arms and grabbed me by the shoulders. "God Amber if you weren't Reed's girl, I'd start to wonder why you are taking such interest in my personal affairs! What business is it of yours?"

I yanked my shoulders from his grasp. "It's my business because it's my best friend that you are constantly screwing around with! What the hell happened to telling Janie the truth? Or was it all a lie just to get her in bed again?"

"I don't owe you an explanations," he told me. "And as far as I can remember, your best friend screwed me and then flipped out, telling me that she didn't want to see me ever again!"

"And you listened? Since when do you listen to what anyone tells you Devon?"

"Since I decided I wasn't going to chase after someone who didn't want me!" He yelled. "If Janie wants to marry that pathetic loser and have his pathetic children, then good for her!"

"What the hell is wrong with you?" I punched him in the chest, I was that mad. "For years you've been playing with Janie's heart; stringing her along while you chased after every thing in a skirt and now -"

"Janie didn't want to hear what I had to say Amber; if she did she wouldn't have been so eager to get me naked!"

"Oh good lord!" I rolled my eyes. "You fucking hypocrite!"

Devon started at me in shock.

"What?" I asked him.

With a slight grin on his face, he asked me if Reed knew about my potty mouth. I slapped him across the arm. "Reed knows all about me and he loves me despite everything; he would never screw around with me like you've screwed around with Janie. He wouldn't waste my time or his when it came to something important like, oh! Our future together and how he feels about me!" I shook my head. "You could learn a thing or two from him."

"Yeah?" Devon raised a brow. "Like how to lose your manhood to a controlling bitch who doesn't care what you want as long as she gets what she wants?"

"Screw you!" I screamed at him.

Devon laughed, "You are no better than I am Amber; you've been playing with Reed since the moment you met him."

"Take that back!" I demanded but he wouldn't. "I don't control Reed and I don't want to control him either!"

"But you don't let him do what he wants, do you? Have you even thought about what he wants?" I stared at him, I was biting my cheek to stop from crying because I'm a baby when it comes to someone yelling at me. "No," he smirked. "I bet you didn't even consider that all it would take to make his day if for you to give him some indication that you want to be with him forever." Devon snorted, "Hell! You can't even bring yourself to live in the house with him but you expect him to spend every night with you."

"You have no idea what -"

"No?" Devon shrugged. "Maybe I don't but what does it matter? I can pass judgement on you without knowing all the facts like you do with me."

With that said, Devon turned and walked away. I stood there shaking as I tried to get my body to do what my brain commanded so I could get in my car.

"Oh and Amber?" He turned to look at me. "I didn't give up on Janie, I'm not screwing around with her; I do love her."

"But you..." I was so utterly confused.

"Maybe next time you want to know something you'll ask instead of tell me what I'm doing." He smiled, "I have some stuff I need to take care of before I talk to Janie about our future."

"What...?" I started but he was already heading back towards Sobey's.

So what do I think about the conversation with Devon? I don't really know, all I do know is that night when I got home Reed asked me why I let Devon provoke me like that.

"You know he loves Janie," he told me. "And even though you may not like the way things are with them right now, you have to let them work it out; you shouldn't have expected him to explain himself to you, Janie is the only one he needs to do that with."

"So you are telling me to mind my own business?"

Reed nodded slowly and then sighed when I started to turn away from him. "Darling I just think that you should let Janie be the one to call him on his actions."

"Fine," I told him. "From now on, I'll mind my own business. If something happens that doesn't directly affect me, I don't want to know about it."

Reed told me I was being childish and I told him I was only 19, technically still a child so what did he expect...

...he told me he expected me to be myself.

I'm upset that Reed thinks I spend way too much time worrying about others and butting into their business. How can I turn that off? Janie is my best friend and I want her to be happy but I know she's not happy with the way her life is right now.

Sigh.

Trying not to care sucks.

And to make matters worst, Reed is being grumpy; he spent last night at the house, alone. I asked him if he wanted Alexis and I to come over but he told me to do whatever I wanted.

I ended up staying here. I couldn't sleep at all so I'm really tired and cranky right now.

Well, time for work.

Sigh.