Beachside Therapy

I arrived at Lowes twenty after one because the one thing my father always told me was to never be late for anything, plus I knew he would be there waiting for me. I hate having anyone wait on me. He was just being seated when I walked up to the table, he glanced at his watch and gave me a smile, "AmberLynn it's so good to see you." And then he did something I wasn't expecting...he hugged me.

"Hello father," I said as I returned the awkward hug.

Once we were seated the waitress came by and took our drink order. It wasn't until after we brought our drinks and took our order that my father said anything besides recommendations of what to order food wise.

He asked me how Alexis and I were settling into the house and if we needed anything. "No we are good," I told him.

"Your mother tells me that you went over to Reed's for dinner last night, things are going good between you two?" I told him they were going great. "That's good," he smiled. "I'm glad that he understands why you decided to stay with us for now. I was speaking with Reed this morning, he seems so much happier since Alexis and you came home. How about you? Are you happy cupcake?"

The waitress brought our soup and sandwiches which gave me an excuse not to reply right away. Hearing my father call me 'cupcake' still surprises me, it makes me wish that I could get the past few years back and do them all over again.

I found myself watching my father as he picked up the crackers that came with his soup and crumbled them into the steaming bowl. When did he get those grey hairs? I wondered, when did he start to look so old and worn down? Is he ok? I started to panic, I didn't want him to tell me that he was sick. Mom would tell me if he was, wouldn't she?

"Amber?"

I blinked twice as I pulled myself out of my thoughts. "Yes father?" Was that a wince? I wondered briefly when he didn't say anything but made a slight face.

"You didn't answer my question, I asked if you were happy?"

I found myself smiling, "Yes I'm very happy. I have a man who loves me, a daughter who couldn't be more perfect. I start a new job on Monday which doesn't take me away from Alexis like I thought would happen if I did find work."

My father nodded, "I was surprised when I heard that Devon introduced you to your boss; he seems to be a lot like his old man, I wasn't sure if he would help you without strings." The way my father said 'strings' made me wonder if he thought Devon expected me to 'put out' for his help.

"Devon is Reed's best friend father..." my voice trailed off as I saw that look again, why is my father wincing? "Are you ok?"

His soup spoon paused half way to his mouth, "Yes I'm fine Amber. Why do you ask?"

"It may be nothing but you just winced twice. You would tell me if there was something wrong health wise, right father?" This time he wasn't too good at hiding it, he winced again. "You just did it again!"

My father looked around, "Amber please don't raise your voice. I can assure you that I'm as fit as I can be for my age and there's nothing wrong with your mother either. Now please eat your soup."

Our lunch didn't last much longer than that, my father got a call from Roger and he had to leave. "I'm really sorry," he told me as he walked me to my car. "I hope that we can do this again soon, without any interruptions."

Last night I called Reed and asked if we could come over for a little while; he seemed excited that I wanted to see him. When I got to the house, I asked him about it.

"I thought I had to make plans for us to see each other Amber," he told me as we walked hand in hand down to the lake; he was carrying Alexis and I was carrying her bag and a blanket.

"Reed," I stopped and held tight to his hand, stopping him in his tracks. "Why did you think that? You don't think I want to see you as much as you want to see me?"

He shook his head, "I'm still getting use to all the changes Amber, I don't want to mess this second chance up."

"I don't want too either," I told him and started back down towards the beach.

We spread out the blanket on the sand and sat down. We spent most of the time playing with Alexis as I told him about my lunch with my father.

"What do you think the wincing was about?" I asked him when I told him the story.

"I don't know darling," he laughed as Alexis tried to crawl over his chest but stopped halfway over. He asked me to tell him what I said each time my father did it but he still shrugged and said he didn't know. "Why does it bother you Amber?"

I sighed, "I don't know Reed, I guess I don't want to find out that my father is sick or something."

I went to picked Alexis off his chest when she started to scream, "Da da da da da."

"Ok," I laughed at her and let go. "I'll let you stay like that, stuck on daddy's chest."

"Amber?" Reed held Alexis to his chest as he sat up, he looked like he was having an idea. "You called him 'father' every time he did that, didn't you?"

"I don't know Reed. I always call him 'father' you know that."

Reed sat Alexis on his lap and looked at me. "I may be totally off base but what if that was the reason he was wincing?" I gave him a funny look. "You didn't always call him 'father', you told me there was a time when you called him 'daddy'. You also told me that he did call you 'cupcake' a few times, what if he's trying to get that back? What if he wants the relationship with you that he would've had? Maybe you calling him 'father' drives home the fact that you don't need him and he doesn't like it."

I laughed, "Yeah and monkeys will fly outta my butt Reed!"

"It was just a thought!" Reed snapped, "I know that if Alexis started calling me 'father' instead of 'da da' I'd be a little upset."

I stared at him, I knew he was only trying to help and I did ask him. "I'm sorry Reed. I just find it hard to believe that after all this time, it only bugs him now."

"Maybe it always bugged him Amber but he didn't feel that it would ever change. You aren't as angry at him as you were even a couple weeks ago Amber; maybe he's trying to have the relationship with you that he once had and you calling him 'father' brings home the fact that it may already be too late."

Reed gave me a lot to think about last night. As I sit here this morning I wonder if he's right. And if he is right, how do I go about helping change my relationship with my father? And do I really want too?

Is it ever too late?