I'll Rant And I'll Roar

I was all packed up and loaded into the Jeep. I had Alexis strapped into her car seat and we were ready to go. But I was frozen in the driver's seat. I didn't even have the keys in the ignition, I was still holding them in mid air in my hand. What am I doing? I thought. Do I really want to leave like this? Does he deserve to know that we are leaving? I sighed and glanced in the mirror at Alexis. It's not like you didn't try to talk to him, he just didn't want to listen. How long do you try before you should just give up?

I had called his office about three or four times this morning, trying to get a hold of him. I called his cell phone as well but always got the voice mail. I didn't know if he was purposely ignoring me or if he was really in meetings all morning. But you think he would've had a moment to check his messages!

"What should I do snuggle bug?"

"Da da," she replied. Not that it was a big surprise and I should take it as a sign because every time you asked her anything, 'Da da' was her reply. But in this case, seeing I was looking for any reason not to leave I ignored that little fact and started the Jeep. "Ok Alexis, let's go tell daddy we are going home."

The entire drive to the downtown sector that was home to Power Towers, the building that housed Reed's father's company, I was arguing about whether or not I should bother him at work. My entire life, I've been told by my mother that when someone was at work, they weren't to be bothered by anything short of the death of a loved one. So just the idea of me bringing Alexis in there to tell Reed we were leaving, scared me. I was afraid that someone would realize that I wasn't supposed to be there and have me forcibly removed from the building. I know, that's a little extreme but some times you don't think about things rationally.

I walked through the front doors of the office and waited for the receptionist to finish with the phone call she was in the middle of. It seemed like forever that I stood there, when it was probably only two minutes. "Can I help you?" She eyed my outfit and my daughter with such disapproval that I wanted to tell her that the head honcho would be offended by the way she stared at his granddaughter, only I didn't know if Roger would care. He would probably join her in bashing me.

"AmberLynn?" a familiar voice questioned as I went to ask for Reed. I turned to see my father staring down at me with what looked like concern in his eyes, which shocked me into silence. "What you are doing here? Are you alright?"

I shook my head, "I...I..I mean we..." I glanced at Alexis as I stumbled over my words.

"Da da," Alexis held her hands up to her mouth as she stared at my father with big wide eyes.

"Come to my office Amber," my father didn't wait for me to reply, he put his hand on my arm and started down one of the corridors. "What are you doing here Amber?" He asked again as we walked.

"We are leaving and I figured that we should tell Reed."

My father stopped dead in his tracks, "Reed doesn't know?" I shook my head and went to say something but he told me to stay right where I was as he stalked down a small hallway to an older lady sitting behind a desk. I couldn't hear what he was saying but she was nodding furiously. When he returned to me, he didn't say anything until we were in his office. I've never been in my father's office before, I wasn't sure what I could do. So I waited for signs from him.

He started to walk around to sit down at his desk when he stopped and came back towards me. "Here, let me take her." I didn't expect him to say that, I'm sure my shock was written all over my face as I stared at him with my jaw damn near scraping the floor. He took her from me with little effort, "Hello Alexis," he gave her a smile and she giggled, throwing her arms around his neck. I watched in shock as my father lowered himself into one of the chairs that was sitting in front of his desk, and sat Alexis on his knee. He looked up at me and frowned, "Sit down Amber."

"Wha-" I almost missed the chair as I tried to sit down without taking my eyes of him, I was waiting for his head to split open to reveal some alien being that had taken control over my father. This isn't my father! My brain screamed but my mouth said, "Are you sick?"

He raised a brow, "I'm so glad all those years of schooling have not been wasted." His tone sounded different, it wasn't one I normally associated with my father, he was....joking????

"What is going on?" I asked him, this was too strange for me. "Maybe you should give me Alexis back and go check in with a doctor father."

My father looked offended, "There is nothing wrong with me AmberLynn!"

"Are you sure?" I wasn't. "You never given me the time of day before, now you are sitting here bouncing Alexis on your lap? What is going on? Is this some episode of the Twilight Zone?"

"Amber if you aren't going to say anything constructive, maybe you should just sit there and be quiet. Or better yet," my father said as he smiled at Alexis. "Tell me why you are leaving town."

"Father it's not really any of your business."

He turned to me, studied me for a moment before handing Alexis back to me. Without a word me got up and walked over to his desk, taking one of the photo frames that were sitting there off before he started back to me. "Do you remember this?" He asked as he moved his chair close to mine and turned the photo around for me to see.

I gasped, it was a photo of me in one of the school plays that I did around the time that my father started missing all my important events. "Yes," I said softly, wondering why he had the photo.

"I wish I did Amber," he sounded sad. "This was around the time you stopped being my little girl. I wish I could say it was because you were all grown up and didn't need your dad around anymore but I know it was my fault. I became so involved with working here, I stopped living."

I didn't know what to say, but I didn't really feel sorry for him. He could've changed how things were anytime he wanted but he didn't. Not even when I need his support the most, did he back me up. He sent me away, he cut me off from anyone who mattered to me. "I think I should go," I started to stand up but he stopped me.

"You have every right to be mad at me Amber, I'm pretty certain if it wasn't for your mother, you would pretend that I didn't exist." I winched when he said that, it was harsh, even if it was true. "I would not blame you, I haven't been the best father I could have been and there is nothing I can do to change that."

"No there isn't," I told him.

My father closed his eyes and nodded, it was such a simple act, him agreeing with me without arguing.

"What do you want from me father? Do you think I'm going to forgive you for everything you've done to Alexis?" He looked surprised by something when he opened his eyes again. "You have gone out of your way to keep her from her father. Why would you do that? Don't you think she needed her daddy? Don't you think she deserved to have him in her life? Do you hate me that much that you would inflict so much pain on the man I love and our daughter? They never did a damn thing to you!" I turned from him, I didn't want to cry in front of him but I knew it was going to happen.

"I always tried to be the best I could be, I tried to gain your approval all my life but I was never good enough. 'What happened to the other 2% Amber? You can't get into a top rate university like that'. 'Your father can't make it to your play/dance/recital/appointment/graduation Amber, he has an important meeting to attend'. 'We gave you everything you could ever need, how could you go and ruin your life like this? Pregnant at 18, what will all of our friends think?'"

I was past the point of no return now, tears were free flowing down my cheeks dropping on the upturned face of my little girl as she chewed on her fist while she cried with me. "I don't care what your friends think father! I never did, I only ever cared what you thought. But I knew what that was, I wasn't good enough to be your daughter, so you sent me away. Away from the only life I ever knew, away from the only man who ever really loved me. Reed wanted to marry me father, he made me happier than I ever thought was possible. He was going to take me away from here and give me the life I deserved, the love I deserved. But you didn't care about that! All you cared about is your stupid reputation!" I jumped up from the chair, sending it tumbling backwards.

"And now you have the nerve to sit here and play with Alexis? Pretend that everything is fine? It's not fine father! I'm in love with Reed and I can't bring myself to commit to him like he wants because I don't trust myself enough to be with him. I keep thinking he's going to get bored with me and find someone new. I look at everyone around me and I think that there is something missing from my life because I'm not doing anything with mine. I am a mother, that's all I am. To this little girl, I'm everything but when I look in the mirror all I see if a failure because I never lived up to some high expectation that you placed on me." I was sobbing uncontrollably now. I wanted to stop, to get out of there and go back to the life I had. Where I was happy hiding from myself. "I...I..." I took a deep breath and stared him straight in his tear filled red eyes. "I hate you." I sobbed, "I hate you but most of all I hate myself for still seeking your approval." I was shaking so badly as I admitted that, I was so afraid I was going to drop Alexis, even though I almost had a death grip on her.

"Amber..." my father lifted his hands to me, he wasn't crying but he looked like he was about too.

I backed up, shaking my head. "No, we have to go." I spun around, walking towards the door as I spoke softly to Alexis. "Please don't cry princess, I promise everything will be ok. I'll figure it all out, I swear." I kissed her forehead, "I love you Alexis."

When I reached the door it opened on it's own, Reed peeked his head in. "Olive said you wanted to -" His eyes narrowed in on Alexis and me, he frowned and pushed into the office, closing the door behind him. "Amber?" He came towards me, "Darling what's wrong?"

Alexis and I both spoke at the same time.

"Da da," she reached for him.

"Oh Reed," I whispered as his arms slipped around my waist. I held onto him as best I could with Alexis in my arms.

"Shhh my darling, please don't cry. Tell me what's wrong."

"Reed I -" My father's phone buzzed and it made me jump.

"What were you saying? Why are you here? Is something wrong?" Reed asked while my father moved to answer his phone.

I wiped some of the tears from my cheek, "Alexis and I came to say good bye to you."

His arms fell from my waist, "What?" He glanced back and forth between the both of us. "Why?" he asked, hoarsely.

"I'm sorry Amber, Reed but Mr Berkens' team is here for their appointment."

I glared at my father.

Reed groaned, "I can't make it Carl, I have to talk to Amber."

I waited for my father to tell him 'too bad' but he didn't. He nodded and said he understood, "But your father won't."

"Then screw him!" Reed snarled, "I have to talk to Amber."

My father grabbed some stuff from his desk, "Ok I'll just have Olive bring me your presentation," he told Reed.

"Reed, you should go." I told him once my father was gone.

"No," he shook his head. "I can't have you leaving while I'm in there. We have to talk Amber, I've been a prick the last couple days and that got in the way."

I didn't argue with him, and he didn't expect me too. "But you have to go present this account Reed, you know my father isn't prepared; if he messes this up he could lose his job, or you could."

Reed shrugged, "Darling you are more important to me than this place. And your father has been around so long, he's dangerous to my father if he were to let him go."

Even though I believed him, I didn't want him to miss this meeting, something told me it would be a mistake if he did. "We won't leave."

"What?"

"Alexis and I, we won't leave town until after we talk. We'll go back to your place and wait for you to get home."

"Amber -"

"Reed."

He sighed, "Fine. But I want you to know, I rather spend the next couple hours dealing with what's come between us."

I nodded, "I know."

Reluctantly, he left my father's office.

Alexis and I stayed in there for a few more minutes to make ourselves look presentable again, then we left.

I wanted Reed to go to the meeting, not only because I felt him missing it would be a mistake. But it gave me time to figure out what I wanted from him and how I was going to explain how I've been feeling.

It surprised me how much my rant at my father helped me breakthrough some of the mental blocks that I had built up. I had an idea of what I wanted.

So I went to check into it.