Muddling Through

Having Janie here is exciting. I didn't realize before just how much I missed not being around her. Last night, even though we were tired from all the cleaning and packing, we sat up until 3 just talking. About old times, friends, hopes, dreams, and relationships. One of the topics she kept coming back to was Devon.

"I know you don't want to hear it," she told me for the millionth time as she turned the conversation back to him. "But I just can't forget about him Amber!"

"Isn't he engaged?"

Janie rolled her eyes, "He doesn't love her Amber!"

I didn't say anything, I just rolled my eyes at her. "Janie I was there when you guys were dating. You broke up with him, remember? You told me he was an ass and you were sorry you ever got involved with him."

"I know," she groaned. "But you don't understand."

"No, I don't. Devon is engaged to another woman, he is going to marry her. What are you going to do, be his mistress?"

"It's not it would be the first time someone did that Amber."

"But Janie what about all the dreams you had about meeting Mr. Right, getting married and having boat loads of babies?"

Janie shrugged, "Things change Amber."

I stared at her. "I don't think they change all that much Janie."

"What do you know?" Janie glared at me, "You already have Mr. Right. He's just waiting for you to tell him that you are ready to be his." She sat back against the couch and crossed her arms over her chest. "It must be nice to know you'll end up happy."

"You think it's that easy?" I asked her. "Do you have any idea how much I wish it was that simple? Sure Reed loves me and wants to be with me but Janie, I have so many doubts and fears that are getting in the way. Hell we can't even have a conversation without fighting. I don't want Alexis to grow up in that environment."

"Are you even listening to yourself?" Janie picked up a cushion and smacked me with it. "He loves you Stupid! He wants to be with you and make you happy. That's all he's wanted since the night you two met."

"You don't know that."

"Yes I do!" She hit me again. "And so do you! So put the boy out of his misery and tell him you are coming home to him."

She makes it sound so easy and maybe she is right. But how can I enter a relationship with him again, if I'm so unsure of myself. How do I know if it's really love I feel for him? What if I make a mistake? What if I just think I love him because he was so sweet and kind to me before Alexis came along? I didn't know him that well, we were only dating a couple months. Is that enough time to really be in love?

Part of me say no.

The other part of me, beats up the 'no' part and wants to shout out my love for him from the highest mountain top.