Surprise, I Still Love You

Is it possible to want something so bad that you end up screwing it all up? Or is it not meant to be if it doesn't seem to be working out? Or is it just me being so scared to take a chance, to fight for something that could ever well be everything I'm looking for in this life.

I don't have a clue, I wish I did.

I also wish that yesterday ended better than it did.

It started off so promising, I woke up with Reed and he didn't have to go to work. We had breakfast together and then he asked if it would be alright if he took Alexis out for a while; he had something he wanted to do with her. When I had told him that it would take me a few minutes to get ready, he gave me this puzzled look before he clued in what I meant. "Oh, I just meant Alexis."

"What?"

He gave me a half hearted smile, "I just want to spend sometime with Alexis."

I said, "oh ok." What else could I say? But as soon as they were gone the feelings I had the night before came back again. As I look back, I realize that I felt alone. I felt that I didn't belong here in this life anymore. I honestly thought that Reed would want to spend time with me too on his day off and the fact that pretty much the first thing he did was tell me he wanted to be alone with Alexis hurt. I know it's probably silly to have thought about it that way but I did.

While they were gone, I just sat around here, waiting. Then I posted here until they came back.

He was very secretive about what they did while they were out and of course Alexis couldn't tell me. Nor did he say anything an hour later before he disappeared for a good 20 minutes.

When he returned Alexis and I were in the kitchen. "What are you doing?" He asked me.

I glanced over my shoulder at him, "I'm looking for something to eat, I'm hungry." I turned my attention back to the cup broads but there wasn't really anything in there that I was craving.

"Let's go out for lunch."

I shook my head, I didn't want to go anywhere with him. I know it was silly but I was upset he didn't tell me where we took our daughter earlier. I figured if he wanted to go out, then he could but I wasn't and I told him that.

"Stop being so stubborn Amber! Just come with us and we'll have lunch." He picked Alexis up and started out of the kitchen.

"Have fun," I called out after him as I searched through the fridge.

He didn't say anything to me and when I looked over my shoulder I saw he was gone. I just shrugged and pulled out a bottle of jam that was sitting in the fridge. Mmmm, peanut butter and jam sandwiches! I haven't had them in a while, I thought as I got the rest of the ingredients out on the counter. When I went to get a knife I as the toaster and smiled, even better! Toasted PB & J!

I was whistling happily as I plugged in the toaster, I was really looking forward to eating the sandwich. I stretched out my arm to reach for the bag of bread but came up empty. "What the...? Oh," I smiled up at Reed. "Can I have that back please?"

"No," He snapped. "Stop this nonsense and come for lunch with Alexis and me."

I glared at him, "Why don't you just stay here and get something to eat with us? Why do you have to go out? Is being here with us too much for you?"

Reed rolled his eyes, "Of course it's not! I just thought we could all go out for lunch. Why are you making a big deal out of this?"

"I don't want to go out for lunch," I told him.

He shook his head, "I don't believe you. I think you are just being stubborn because I wouldn't tell you what Alexis and I did, or where I went a few minutes ago. It's just plain silly Amber."

"Then tell me where you went!"

"Come for lunch with us."

We stood there locked in a staring contest like we were little kids. I felt so stupid so I looked away first. "Reed, I -" I gasped as he picked me up and threw me over his shoulder. "Reed put me down!" He didn't say anything, he just walked. Out of the kitchen, down the hall to the front door. "Reed?"

He opened the door and carried me out to his car. "Reed, I'm not dressed to go anywhere! I don't even have shoes on!" I cried.

"Well then you shouldn't have been so stubborn!" He said as he slammed the door shut and ran around to the driver's side. I was about to open the door when he started it up and slipped it into reverse.

"Reed! I'm not ready to go anywhere!" I sobbed. I knew it was my own fault but I couldn't believe he was seriously going to make me go somewhere without even letting me brush my hair.

Stopped the car Reed slammed it into park. "Ten minutes," he said.

"What?" I looked at him.

He turned his head my way, his brown eyes were almost black, his whole expression seemed to be one of anger and disappointment. "I said 'ten minutes'. To do whatever you need to do to go to lunch with us."

I nodded as I opened the door. "Oh Amber?" I glanced back over my shoulder at him. "If you change, make sure to put on something you'll be comfortable in."

I went to ask him what he meant but he glanced at his watch, "Right, ten minutes."

Hopping out of the car, I didn't even notice the roughness of the pavement under my feet, I was too lost in my own thoughts to notice. Once inside, I quickly ran to his room, into the bathroom and stripped off all my clothes. As quickly as I could, I washed up and ran back into the bedroom to get dressed. Dressing comfortable as Reed said wasn't a difficult thing to do; all my clothes were of the comfortable kind.

With a minute to spare, I found myself opening his car door and sliding in. "Thank you," I said, clicking my seat belt in place.

He sat there giving me the once over before he nodded and eased the car into the midday traffic.

As we drove, I tried to figure out where he was taking us but one by one he slowly eliminated all the places I thought we would go as he drove pass them. We were nearing the end of town and I began to wonder if he was going to be leaving town for lunch. Which wouldn't make sense seeing all the really good places to eat where in town.

Just before the city limits sign, he made a right hand turn onto Lake shore Drive, I quickly tried to think of places there to eat but all I could think of were high end restaurants; certainly not 'comfy' clothes places.

He made another right hand turn into a parking lot and found a spot. Without saying anything to me, he shut off the car and got out to walk around to my side. He held out his hand for me when he opened the door and like it always did, that gesture made me smile. "So where are we having lunch?" I asked him, I was standing so close to him I had to tilt my head back to look up at him.

"You'll see," he replied while making his way to the back door to get Alexis out of her car seat. "Won't she Princess?" Alexis giggled, which made Reed smile. "Yeah, I know you think it's cool but will mommy?" We started to walk around the back of the car when he stopped me and gave me Alexis. "I have to get something."

Pressing a button on his remote, the trunk popped open to reveal exactly what he had planned for lunch. "Oh my!" I gasped as the aroma of what was hidden in the basket drifted up and tickled my senses. "You..." I couldn't think of anything to say when I looked at his smiling face.

"Yes, me." He pulled the basket and the cooler out of the trunk and started towards the road.

Beyond the road was one of the parks in town. It was actually the biggest with a picnic area ( BBQ pits, tables and trash cans), a playground (swings, sandbox, slides, and other play items), there was a jogging trail that ran though it. But the part I loved about this park was the lake in the middle and the trees that were scattered throughout it. There were more times than I cared to mention when I sat on the border of this lake just staring off into space as I tried to get a handle on whatever was going on in my life. Just like right now, I thought.

"Reed, I...oh!" I wasn't watching where I was going and I walked right into him. "I'm sorry." He smiled but didn't say anything, he just placed the basket and the cooler on the ground. Opening the basket he pulled out a blanket and spread it out. After helping me sit down, he lowered his body onto the blanket and stared at me.

"What?" I asked him nervously.

"Do you remember the last time we were here?"

I nodded, I did remember. It was a couple days before I found out I was pregnant, I had snuck out of my house like we had planned. I think I was grounded for some reason. We met here around midnight, he had food and drinks for us, just like he did today. "We talked about what we wanted for the future," I said softly.

"We talked about our future together."

That night he told me that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. "I love you very much Amber," he whispered in my ear as he held me tight. "Until you came into my life, I thought that love was for fools." His arms loosened around me, he looked down at me. "I want you to know that I'm going to ask your father for his blessing, for your hand in marriage."

I was happy then, I could see all my dreams coming true. But we all know what happened just a few days later. I don't even know if he ever did talk to my father about marrying me.

I sighed, "Yeah things have turned out a lot different than planned." We both turned to Alexis, who was crawling around the edge of the blanket, lifted up the corners and peeking underneath. "I wouldn't change what happened."

"I would," Reed jumped in. When I frowned at him, he clarified. "I wouldn't change anything with Alexis, but I would change the way I reacted. Amber, if I could go back and relive the moment you told me about her, I would have been different. We would be different." His eyes travelled back to Alexis, "And our daughter would have my name."

"Is that important?" I asked, "Do you feel cheated because her last name isn't Johnson?"

He stretched out on the blanket, "I would've liked it if she did have my name." He smiled at me, "It doesn't bother me that she has yours, I just wish there wasn't a..." he paused; he seemed to be trying to gather his thoughts. Finally he continued, "I wish that we spent the last year and a half building our life together Amber. I don't like that Alexis and you aren't around all the time, I miss you two so much when I come back here. Everything seems to empty."

I knew what he meant, I felt that way too when he wasn't around, or when he was and wasn't spending time with us. "It's difficult when we don't live here Reed. Alexis and I have a life elsewhere."

"But it doesn't have to be that way," he sat up and moved in closer to me. "Amber please come home, let us have that future we talked about the last time we were here."

"Reed..."

He took my face in his hands and as he stared into the dept of my soul he seemed to speak to my heart. "I love you Amber, not a day goes by when I don't think about you and how extremely happy you make me. I know I've done some stupid things in the past but I promise that I will do everything I can to give you the life you deserve. I promise to love you like you crave to be loved." He tilted his head towards me, "Will you marry me my love?"

My hand reached out to stroke his cheek, "Reed I -"

"Wait," Reed stopped me. "I know that it maybe a little too soon to be asking you, we haven't had a chance to work through all the issues of the past and the ones that seem to have popped up recently. I want you to know that as much as I would love to have your answer right now, I want you to take your time, I need you to be sure of how you feel."

"Reed - "

"Shhh my darling," he held a finger over my lips. "I don't have a ring. Well," he chuckled. "I do have a ring, one that I picked out for you the day after your father said he would be happy to 'give' you to me in marriage."

I groaned at his wording, "I -"

"I don't want you to say 'yes' and not have the ring to give to you Amber. I don't think th-"

I kissed him, that seemed to be the only way to stop him from rambling. "Reed," I pulled back from him. "I don't care if you have a ring or not, I don't even care if you have my father's blessing or not. All I care about is how I feel right now."

"And how is that?" He sounded a little unsure if he wanted to know how I felt.

"Reed," I sighed and he cringed. "It's not that bad," I told him.

"How bad is it?" He asked.

"I love you Reed, we both know that so there would be no point in denying it."

He nodded, "But?"

I shrugged, "But...I'm not going to lie to you. I'm scared. I don't know what I'm doing and the thoughts of entering into a relationship with you without knowing who I am makes me feel like I'm dooming us before we even get started."

"You don't want to marry me." It was more of a statement than a question.

"No Reed!" I wrapped my arms around him, "I want to marry you! I want to be your wife and have your..." I glanced at Alexis and laughed. "More of your babies."

Reed grinned but then it disappeared. "If that's the case then why all the doom and gloom talk?"

"I don't want to disappoint you Reed but I feel that the way I am now, I would disappoint you."

He tried to tell me I wouldn't disappoint him but I knew that I did already, the night before proved that to me. I knew I needed to figure out how to get rid of the feelings that over took me on Sunday.

I went to say something about what was going on that night when Alexis crawled over to the basket and started to pull on it. "I think someone is hungry," he said while he went to stop her. Conversation soon turned to everyday topics where it was easy to have an autopilot response.

We spent a couple hours just playing in the park after lunch, by the time we left Alexis was out like a light. The drive home was pretty uneventful, we continued talking about frivolous things.

After we put Alexis in her crib, Reed told me that we were invited to dinner with both our parents at my parents' house. I didn't really want to do but I knew there was no getting out of it.

Right now, I wish I tried harder to stay home...