Trying To Make It Work

I feel so alone. I thought it would be easy to leave Reed and come home. I didn't think I would miss him as much as I do right now. I was fine until I went to bed last night, or I should say I was fine until I climbed into my makeshift bed, the couch. I got comfy and then I made the mistake of turning over. My nose planted right against the sheets I had on the couch the last time Reed was here. I took one small breath and his scent assaulted my senses. I cried myself to sleep last night.

I suppose you are all wondering why I was sleeping on the couch in the first place. Well, it would've been strange to sleep in my bed, I didn't wish to share it.

I guess I should go back and start from the last post....so all of this makes sense.

Reed had asked me where we went from there.

"Well," I smiled at him. "This is what I've been thinking, I've thought about what I wanted and how I've been feeling lately. I knew that there was no way I could bring myself to be with you if I wasn't happy with who I am at the moment. I didn't want to resent you later."

"Why aren't you happy with yourself?" Reed asked.

I sighed, "Reed lately I've been wondering if there wasn't something wrong with me. I looked around and all I could see is people moving on with their lives, being someone and all I did was sit at home and plan what I would do when Alexis was awake again." He started to say something but I stopped him. "Do you know that this is the first time I've been out without her? Even when you took her for those couple hours, I sat at home and waited for her to come home so I could have something to do."

"You could've went out Amber."

I nodded, "Yes I could've but I didn't know what I wanted to do and the idea of going out scared me because I didn't want to not be around in case some thing happened to her. Reed, I love our daughter with all my being but lately I've been resenting her. I've been wishing that she wasn't there and I hated myself for it. I thought there was something wrong with me, I didn't think that it was normal to some times wish to have some time to do what you want to do, even if it was just to get out and go for a walk by myself." I glanced at him, "Or with a very handsome man."

He frowned for a moment then he smiled, "You mean me?"

I laughed, "Yes! Of course I mean you Reed."

He slipped his arm around my waist, "So how do you feel now?"

"Well, I still feel that I'm not doing anything with my life. But I'm no longer resenting Alexis, I realized that it wasn't her that was holding me back. It was me."

"So what are you doing about it?"

I smiled at him, "I'm going to change how I live my life."

He nodded, "That's good. But where does that leave us?"

"Things have to change between us Reed." He asked me what I meant. "Well, for starters. I'm moving out of the apartment."

"No you aren't."

"Yes I am. I'm not living in your debt anymore."

"Don't be crazy Amber, you can do whatever you want with your life from that apartment, that doesn't need to change."

"Yes it does Reed." I turned to him, "I'm very grateful for everything you have done for Alexis and me but I need to do this for myself, I need to gain some independence."

"But you have all the independence that you need at the apartment. You don't need to move. You aren't moving!"

"I am!" I snapped at him. "I don't think you understand Reed. I have to move."

He glared at me, I knew he wasn't happy with me. "Where are you going to live Amber? What are you going to do? How will you pay for this place? I'm assuming that you are not going to accept any help from me."

"I'm moving back here, I plan to get a job and start paying for things for myself. You can still help out with Alexis' needs but you don't have to pay my way."

"Amber that's just crazy! You are going to give up time with Alexis to work? When you don't have too? Why would you do that? Why don't you just let me take care of you?"

"Reed, you aren't listening to me!"

"I'm listening. I don't hear anything that makes sense Amber."

I jumped off the boulder, "Well I'm sorry you think that but that's how it's going to be. I'm moving out of the apartment. You'll have to sublet it until the lease is up, or pay off the remaining balance of the lease, that's up to you. I've already spoke to my mother and she is going to get my father to take the utilities out of his name as soon as I tell him I'm out of there." I stared up at him, "I'm doing this for me Reed. I don't care if you don't like it, I need to do this." I turned on my heel and started to walk away.

"Amber!" Reed called after me but I didn't even acknowledge him. "Amber wait!" I heard him jump from the boulder and run after me. "Would you stop?" He gripped my hand, "Darling please don't walk away, we need to discuss this further."

I turned to him, "What more is there to say?"

"When you move here, you'll live in the house." I started to shake my head, "What?" Reed asked.

"I'm not living in that house until we get to that point in our relationship Reed. I'm not rushing into that, I don't want to regret anything."

Reed groaned, "Amber, I don't live there so it's not like you'll run into me at every turn."

"Maybe you should live there Reed." He asked he what I meant. "I want you to live there, I don't want you to have spent all that money just to have it sit there. It's crazy that you aren't there now. Why rent out the flat when you could live in the house?"

"I bought that house for -"

"I know why you bought it, but did you ever think that maybe it would be better for you to live there and have it set up? When you have Alexis this summer, it would be great if she had a yard to play in. Reed she'll be starting to walk by the end of the summer, I think. She's going to want to spread her legs and run, or crawl or whatever!" I step in closer to him. "Reed, I want you to live in that house because I want it to be full of wonderful memories for Alexis. Time she spent with you. And when we get to the point that we are living together, she will already be comfortable at the house, she'll feel like it is home."

Reed closed his eyes and sighed, "Where are you going to live while you are deciding if you want to be with me?"

"I think I'll move back home."

"What?" Reed's eyes popped open. "You won't let me help you out but you'll let your parents' pay your way?" He turned away from me, "Why don't you just kick me in the balls? It wouldn't hurt as much."

"Reed!" I went around to stand in front of him. "I don't mean to hurt you, you have to try not to take it personally, I'm not doing this to hurt you! I'm trying to get my life together. I'm trying to be something that my daughter can be proud of! I'm trying to be someone you'll be happy to show off to the world. Not someone that everyone thinks is just using you."

"Ah ha! That's what this is all about! Why do you care what others think? I know you aren't using me, I know that I'm helping you out because I want too. Why do you have to change everything because my father is a prick?"

"It's not only your father Reed! I've heard little snips of conversations all over town, everyone thinks I'm just a high priced whore!" I stared up at him, I wanted him to understand how that made me feel but I couldn't even begin to describe it.

"Amber," he sighed. "I don't know what to tell you, I don't know what can make you understand that none of it matters. All I care about is being with you, that's all I ever cared about." His shoulders slumped. "I'm afraid that you won't need me if you do this."

I put my hands on his chest, "Reed I do need you, more than you'll ever know. But honey, I need you not your money. I want to be with you, that's why I'm doing all this, so I can be with you and not feel like I'm just getting a free ride because we had a baby together."

"Amber," Reed lifted his hands to my shoulders. "Ok."

"Ok?" I was confused. "Ok what?"

"You do what ever it is that you think you have to do to feel the way you need to feel. I'm not going to lie and tell you that I'm happy with this. I don't think that you moving in with your parents is a good idea, I know how they made you feel when you were there before and I don't want you to feel that way again. But if that's what you want to do, I won't stop you." He dropped his hands to his side. "I'll be there if you change your mind and want me to help you again."

"Thank you, that means a lot to me," I wrapped my arms around his waist and hugged him tight.

We strolled around the park, hand in hand talking about my new plan for my life. He asked me what I was going to do for work. "I could see if there is an opening at the office."

I shook my head, "Honey I don't think I'm qualified to do much but something in the service industry."

"You won't make much working there Amber."

"I know but I'll be working towards something."

He nodded and changed the subject, "So where will Alexis be when you are working?"

"Well I was thinking that it would give our mother's a chance to be grandmotherly. I know my mother wants to spend time with her, I'm not sure about yours but it's ok if she doesn't."

"I know mom will be excited to get that chance," Reed smiled. "She'll be so excited when I tell her. And hey, maybe I can watch her too!"

I grinned, "I know that Alexis would love that."

We soon left the park to walk back to his place, we were on the way up the steps when Reed stopped me. "Amber darling, I can't wait until you are living here." He leaned down and brushed his lips against mine. "I'm already planning our 'first' date."

We didn't make much noise as we walked back inside, I don't think that my parents heard us because neither one of them looked up. My mother was sitting on the couch with her hands folded in her lap as she watched my father on the floor playing with Alexis, he had hold of her feet and he was moving her legs as if she was running. "And we are running," he laughed as Alexis giggled and slapped her hands together. "Pumpkin, you may look like your dad but you have your mommy's spirit." He leaned over her and kissed her forehead, "That alone will take you anywhere you ever hope to go."

Watching him with Alexis was weird but I was happy that he was coming around. I felt Reed move up beside me, his arms came around my waist and he held me. We stood like that, watching my parents until my mother saw us there. My parents soon made excuses to leave.

We put Alexis to bed together. She was so sleepy that she was asleep in Reed's arms before she was even in her pjs.

It was late, we grabbed a light snack and them we started to clean up so we could go to bed.

I was sitting on his side of the bed when he came out of the bathroom wearing just his pj bottoms. "Hey," he smiled as he crossed the room towards me. "Are you sleeping here tonight?"

When he knelt in front of me, I lifted my hand to his cheek, my thumb rubbed over the stubble there. I didn't say anything, I just sat there gazing at him. His hands were on my thighs, "Darling?" The look in his eyes told me that he wanted me just as much as I wanted him.

Leaning down, I kissed his lips.

We ended up in his bed, he was naked and I was just wearing my panties. "Reed," I stopped him. "We shouldn't do this."

"Please?" He begged as he nipped at my shoulder. When I didn't give in he groaned and collapsed against the bed. He didn't say anything, he just stayed there with his face pressed against the mattress.

"Reed?" I touched his shoulder.

He looked at me, he smiled. Without a word, he turned towards me and wrapped his body around mine It was a couple minutes before he said anything. "I love you BerryLynn." He whispered against my temple. "I promise to do everything I can to make you happy." He kissed my cheek. "Even if that means letting you sleep when I want to make love to you."

He held me the entire night and when I woke up, he was still holding me. He didn't leave for work until late that morning, he wanted to spend as much time as he could with us.

Before I left his place, I had a visitor. It was Janie. She was upset.

"He's so mad at me, he doesn't understand why I can't see him anymore."

"What did he do Janie? Did he hurt you?"

Janie shook her head, "No he didn't. He didn't even yell Amber. It's so not like Devon. He yells, that's how you know he'll be ok. But he just looked at me like I just told him I killed his dog. He looked so sad. He told me that he wasn't letting me go that easily."

"Are you afraid of what he'll do to you?" If she were to tell me that he would hurt her, I would've believed it.

She shook her head, "No, he wouldn't hurt me Amber." She paused long enough to blow her nose. "I should go see him, try and explain it."

"No!" I grabbed her arm. "Why don't you come with Alexis and me? We are going home to pack up our stuff." I stopped when she gave me this funny look. "We are moving back here!" I told her.

I talked Janie into coming with me. And that's who's in my bed at the moment...well she's actually awake now. So I should go. We have a long day ahead of us!