What I Wouldn't Give To Have All The Answers

I was sitting in the bathtub last night, soaking as I tried to relax. It had been a busy day, between packing, cleaning and trying to keep Alexis happy there didn't seem to be a moment to spare to take time for myself.

Janie was sitting in the living room watching 'Dancing with the Stars'. I personally don't get the hype around it, or any other reality type show but she really enjoys it. She had gotten a shower before I went to soak in the tub so she didn't mind me not being around, plus she knew that I wasn't a fan of the show she was watching.

While I was laying back in the tub, I started to think about the last week or so. I started to wonder if I was really going about this the right way. I knew what I wanted, I've said it time and time again but I wasn't so sure if I'd end up where I wanted to be with the way I had things planned.

I knew I didn't want to be living off of someone else. I knew that in order to stop that I would have to make money but with only a high school diploma, I knew that I could end up in worst shape than I hoped. Would letting Reed help me out be such a bad idea? I wondered. It's not like your dream job is just going to land in your lap, I sighed. "No one knows your dream job," I said out loud.

Well that wasn't really true, there was one person who knew what I wanted to do but I'm damn sure he was drunk out of his tree the night we spoke about that.

Sinking deeper into the bubbles, I realized that I'm not going to get anywhere with what I had originally planned. And a sense of dread set in over me.

I know I keep changing my mind and I'm very indecisive about what I should do, I know it all seems so easy and clear cut. But I've never had to made decisions for myself my entire life, someone else always told me what to do. Up until I got pregnant, that is. The first decision I made and the last one that mattered was to keep Alexis. But that was under totally different circumstances, I knew I couldn't give her away. I just felt it deep in my heart that I had been blessed with her.

Letting everyone run your life sounds easy enough, and it is. But stepping up and taking control is difficult, the people who used to make your decisions seem to be the ones who you are constantly looking at for reassurance that you are doing the right thing.

If you had asked me a couple weeks ago if I would've cared what my father thought about me, I would've lied and said no, I didn't care. But this past week while I was home just hearing him stand up for me, hearing him say nice things about me, watching him play with my daughter; I wanted so badly to be his little girl again. I wanted to run over and sit on his lap like I used to do before things changed between us. I wanted to tell him all my hopes and dreams, I wanted his advice. But most of all, I wanted to hear him say that he loved me and was very proud of who I am.

Yes, I know. I'm hoping for some thing that may never happen.

But as I sat in the tub last night, I started to wonder if all he was waiting for was for me to need him again.

Thinking of my father got me thinking about Reed.

Well, that's not entirely true, I seem to always be thinking about Reed.

That just sounded like a good way to bring him into this entry.

One of the main reasons I'm so unsure about being with Reed like he wants is - I'm worried that I only feel the way I do because my father likes him. I mean, I met him through my father. Even now, it seems that my father as gotten over the whole Reed 'knocking up' his daughter and is hoping that we end up together; he did make sure that Reed came home to talk to me that day.

Of course, when I say that it all seems so silly. Especially when you factor in my reaction to things like...

While I was up to my chin in bubbles, deep in my thoughts last night, Janie came to the bathroom door. "Amber!" She called out. "Reed is on the phone."

My reaction? I jumped out of the tub, splashing water everywhere as I slip slided my way to the door. I didn't even bother to grab a towel, I stood behind the door as I opened it and stuck my head out.

Janie's reaction? She laughed, handed me the phone and then told me I should act a little more excited that he called.

Reed had heard this and when I said hello, he asked me about it. While I made my way cautiously back to the tub and climbed back in, I told him about it. He chuckled softly and asked if I hurt anything he could kiss better when he saw me again.

I giggled, like the silly girl that I am. "I'll have to show you when I get there," I told him.

He gave a little sigh, "When will that be?"

I told him I wasn't sure but in my mind I was screaming, I wish I was there with you right now!

We chatted about our day and Alexis. My water was getting cold and he was still talking. It seemed that he didn't really have much to say but he didn't want to get off the phone with me. When my teeth started to chatter from the cold water, he finally said he should probably go.

It was about an hour later by the time I cleaned up the water, exited the bathroom, got ready for bed and then joined Janie on the couch.

She was flipping through the channels, there was nothing good on TV. "Argh," she turned off the TV and looked at me. "Do you think Reed would sublet to me?"

"What?" Of all the questions I thought she would ask, that wasn't one of them.

She told me that she needed to get out of the town she lived in. "Between Devon, school and my parents' divorce, I just need some time to lose myself."

"But I..." I was sort of heartbroken that she was thinking about moving away, I felt like I just found her again only to be losing her.

"I know," she gave me a half ass smile as she hugged me.

She went to bed not long afterwards.

I called Reed.

But there was no answer at his place or on his cell.

I left a message on both of his voice mails because I wasn't sure which he would check.

I asked him to call me when he got the message.

It's noon and I haven't heard from him yet.