Tuesday, December 11, 2007

I Think Of You As Family

Last night I went over to Devon's house to sit with Janie for a little while. It's been so difficult to see her since the fire, she doesn't seem like the same Janie I've known most of my life. She seems withdrawn. Devon told me that she's been like that since he brought her home that night.

"She doesn't want to do anything," he told me. "She just wants to sit around watching TV or sleep. I'm worried about her, this can't be healthy."

"Have you tried to get her to go out?"

"Yeah," he nodded. "But the only time she went out was to go to the funeral. She..." he trailed off. He looked so defeated as he stood before me, I wanted to give him a hug and tell him that everything will be ok. "I don't know what to do," he admitted helplessly.

He had a meeting with a client, that's why he called and asked me to sit with her, he didn't want to leave her alone in case she needed something. After I promised to call him if she asked for him, he poked his head into the living to tell her that he was heading out. Janie didn't even acknowledge him, she just stared at the TV.

Once Devon was gone, I walked into the living room and Janie sighed. "He's hovering."

"He's worried about you."

"Yeah," she sniffed. "He's been asking me how I'm doing. I tell him I'm fine but he keeps asking me. Make him stop Amber, tell him to stop asking me how I'm doing. My mom is dead, my dad killed her. How the hell do you think I'm doing? I'm dying inside."

"Janie," I went to her and wrapped an arm around her shoulders. "I'm so sorry that this happened, I wish there was something I could do to change it but I can't."

"I know," she mumbled and then chuckled. "Devon would turn back time if he could, he told me that last night when we were in bed."

"Ummm..."

"It's not what you think," she told me. "We didn't do anything - we haven't done anything - he just holds me and I sleep." She closed her eyes as she took a deep breath. "I'm so tired all the time," she sighed heavily. "If he let me I would sleep all the time but he won't, he gets me up."

"He cares about you," I said softly.

"Mmm," she nodded. "He does."

"And you -"

"I just buried my mom."

That was the extent of our conversation. She started to cry again. When Devon came home, I was sitting on one end of his couch, watching TV, stroking her hair as she rested her head on my lap as she cried. I felt like I was soothing Alexis, is that weird? It seemed like it was a motherly thing to do.

I left Devon's not long after he got home, I don't even think that either one of them noticed that I did. As I drove home, I was glad that Janie let Devon help her out in her time of need. She certainly didn't have any other people to count on besides Reed and me.

I was happy to see my home appear in front of me as I pulled into the driveway. I was feeling a little down from visiting with Janie, I wanted to go find Reed and curl up in his arms. "Reed?" I called as I walked into the dimly lit house. When I left he was watching TV, I guess I expected him to be still in the living room but it seemed like he was already gone to bed. I couldn't help but feel disappointed as I turned off the lights as I headed down the hallway to check on Alexis before going upstairs to cuddle up to his sleeping form.

"Amber." I heard his voice coming from behind me, I turned to see him sitting behind his desk in his office.

"Hey!" I grinned as I made my way into his office. "I'm so glad that you are awake, I..." The look he gave me stopped me from finishing that sentence. "Reed? Honey what's wrong?"

"Come here," he pushed his chair out from the desk. "I have to ask you something."

"Ok," I said hesitantly as I rounded his desk. "What's on your mind?" He leaned back in the chair, his head resting against the head rest as he gazed up at me while his fingers teasingly stroked my fingers. "Reed?" I couldn't make out the look on his face. He didn't look upset but he didn't look happy either.

He gripped my wrist and yanked on my hand, pulling me down onto his lap.

"Reed!" I laughed as he settled me across his lap. I went to kiss him but he held a finger up to my lips. I frowned.

"I came in here to do some work," he told me. "But I decided to check out some stuff online when I stumbled across this -" he turned my head towards the screen.

I gasped as I saw my words staring me right in the face. "I..." I turned back to him, he looked at me with questions in his eyes. "I..."

"I believe you said that already Amber."

"Don't be mad."

He frowned.

"I needed to talk to someone and there was no one around. I wanted to feel like someone cared about what was happening with me. I needed something to stop me from going crazy." He didn't said anything. "Reed you don't know what it was like, I was cut off from everyone I knew and loved. I didn't know anyone and I was lonely so I started to write. People were reading it, they were interested in what was going on with me. I soon started to think of them as my friends."

"But you don't know anything about them Amber! But they know all of our personal business!"

"I know! I came to rely on them, they helped me out when I needed it and they gave advice." He stared at me. "Don't do that," I cried. "You must have read the comments, you know that they were all rooting for you!" I smiled, "They helped me open my eyes when it came to you honey. They made me realize just how lucky I was to have you in my life."

"So you are with me because of them?"

"No!" I laughed. "They just helped me spread the dark clouds of hurt and self doubt to see what I've always thought and felt for you. I'm with you because I love you Reed." I kissed his lips. "And they all love you too!"

He blushed. "I guess it isn't bad after all."

"No," I hugged him tight. "It's all good, it brought us back together again."

"Well," he nibbled at my neck. "In that case, don't you think we should go upstairs and make them proud?"

He led the way and I followed eagerly. Making love to Reed last night was nothing short of earth shattering. With every beat of my heart, I love him more. I don't know where our journey is going to take us. All I know is that I'm extremely grateful to have been given a second chance at happiness.

It's with mixed emotions that I write this entry today. Even though I love all of you guys, who take the time out of your busy schedules to check in on me and give me some help, a kind word or encouragement, I feel that it's time to take the next step. I will miss every single one of you and I will never forget how a group of strangers became my best friends through the written words on a web page.

I hope that you are all proud of the person I have become for you all had a hand in molding me. Thank you.

- AmberLynn

28 comments:

Angela said...

Darn it! I signed out before I could comment!

Just wanted to thank you all for reading Amber's story. It has been an interesting journey and like I said, I feel that this would be a good place to end this blog. No, her life won't be perfect, there will be ups and downs like every other person but story wise, this is as far as it goes. She overcame her insecurities -to a point- and made her life what she wanted it to be. She grew up. And it's all thanks to everyone who read it. You guys are awesome!

Angela

Oh and there should be posts on at least one more blog later today. I'm not sure when but there should be. I would do it now but my mom is on her way over and she's kidnapping me for the afternoon! ~L~

amy said...

Awww...I knew this was coming but I am still sad to see Amber's blog end. I was hoping that it would end with them getting married :-)

Will we still get updates on Amber from Janie?

Thanks for such a wonderful story. You're the best Angela.

Anonymous said...

I agree with Amy...AWWWWW! I was hoping maybe the wedding too, but I like the way it ended with Reed discovering the blog. It was a great way to sum it up! Are you getting rid of Janie's too? I hope not...less blogs to read for me! Thanks Angela!

Stacey

D said...

Bye bye Amber :(

bobsgirl02 said...

Good bye Amber and Good luck! I will miss you!!! I hope you both live happily ever after and makes lots and lots more babies!

Anonymous said...

What an awesome story and a good send off! I'm almost glad you didn't finish with the wedding, that would have been too "storybook perfect." I love that it's a bit open-ended, so that you could revisit if you wanted to. Even if you have no plans to post in this blog ever again, please leave it up so that we can re-read and so that others who are new to World Angela can read them too! :-)

Carolyn

Anonymous said...

What an awesome story and a good send off! I'm almost glad you didn't finish with the wedding, that would have been too "storybook perfect." I love that it's a bit open-ended, so that you could revisit if you wanted to. Even if you have no plans to post in this blog ever again, please leave it up so that we can re-read and so that others who are new to World Angela can read them too! :-)

Carolyn

Anonymous said...

Good luck AmberLynn and thank you Angela for the story. We will miss her but look forward to the other stories even more. Happy Holidays to you!!!!

Kim said...

Wait, Janie's dad killed her mom? Was it just by leaving her, which drove her to drinking, or is there more to this?

Goodbye Amber! Loved the blog! I agree that this was a good spot to end it though. Can't wait for whatever else pops out of your head Angela!

Lady said...

I don't care that it's over because it was such a great blog. It was written just like a real person was writing it. I think its funny that Reed found it and I love his reaction to it.

Thanks Angela for a great story. I love them all, but this one was different, in a very good way. Thanks for some great work reading!

Lady

Anonymous said...

Although it is sad to see this end...it is a great ending. Thank you for taking us on this journey.
L

Mehreen said...

Haha, I like that ending better than killing them off! I hope things work out with Janie & Devon. I have to say I'm jealous, Amber's got it all figured out at 19!

Anonymous said...

i still wanna hear about the wedding! hopefully janie will fill us in from time to time

Carmel Beauty said...

great ending!!!!!!!!

Mookie said...

I loved the ending!!!! I was hoping for a wedding but this was just as good. I hope that we will get periodic updates through Janie's blog. Thanks Angela!
~M

Anonymous said...

Angela thank you for this amazing story, and what a great last entry!
I love amber reed and alexis!!! But its the perfect time to say goodbye!
Thank you!

-B

DDgirl said...

great ending, great blog.

Thank you so much Angela!

Nic said...

Great ending. Can't believe it's really over. Hope Janie keeps us updated about Amber and Reed.

Thank you Angela!

Anonymous said...

I feel like I'm losing a good friend. I too am hoping Janie keeps us updated on Amber from time to time. Thanks for teh great story. YOu are a great writer.

catrina said...

If I really get into a movie,I take the movie's ending a little further and imagine what happened afterwards. I did the same thing with this blog.....
And they lived happily everafter.
This was an amazing ride, Angela! Thank you!!!

Anonymous said...

love the ending:D..reed finding out about the blog...hope amber did make us proud;) ....bye amber...this is so sad! hopefully we'll get updates on amber on janies blog:D

ctiger said...

Great post. I was sad reading the ending, even though i was sure it was going to end soon. It was a great ending just feels like i am loosing part of the family. LOL. I love your writing and this story was fantastic. I too hope Janie fills us in from time to time. I also hope she gets better soon. It is so hard to lose a loved one i couldn't even being to imagine what she feels like loosing her mom. I think i personally would go nuts if i lost my mom at such a young age. My heart goes out to her.

Chris

Dido said...

Angela - I just came up with a BRILLIANT IDEA for you!! You can start a blog with Alexis all grown up! That would be fun.

Stacey

Anonymous said...

Will always think of you and your family.

Thanks for sharing!

Carma

Anonymous said...

OMG i LOVE stacey's idea!!!!! alexis all grown up! thats a trip!

Vikki said...

Aaaaaw!!!! I'll miss Amber & Reed, but I agree that this is a perfect place to stop.

Good luck Amber!!!!

The Middle Child said...

Great ending to a great story! Bravo!

Anonymous said...

I love Stacey's idea of an "Alexis" blog!!! It would be a perfect way to catch up with Amber and Reed in the future, through their daughter's eyes!!

Love this and all the rest of your blogs!!!

Thanks so much for the awesome send off!!