A Turn For The Better

This morning Alexis woke up really early and she didn't want to go back to sleep but she didn't want to play either. She is still crawling towards the door whenever she hears something in the hallway and she still is disappointed when Reed doesn't come walking through the door. I've tried to distract her, explain to her but nothing seems to work. So today I tried something different, I knew there was no way she'd forget about her daddy but if she thought about something else for a while, maybe she'd feel better.

So we went outside for a walk. I had no idea where we were going but it's so nice out, the sun is shining and the snow is melting nicely. I can't wait for the day to come where I can take her down to the lake to feed the ducks or just to play outside without a heavy jacket weighting her down.

Because I was thinking about it, I guess that's how we ended up at the lake. There was still ice on the water but it wasn't safe to go out on anymore. We were sitting at one of the picnic tables when a kid appeared out of no where. "Hi!" He stood there and stared at Alexis, he was probably about two years old, Alexis didn't look too impressed with him, she made a face and tried to look around her stroller at me. "Hi!" The little boy said again and Alexis just started to wave her arms like crazy and began to whine.

"Tyler!" I heard a woman calling out, the little boy's eyes widen and he took off in the direction of the voice.

I chuckled to myself and pulled Alexis out of her stroller. "What a cure little boy," I said to her. She made the same face she did a few minutes ago. "What?" I asked her, "It's not like I'm going to trade for him, I love you sweetheart." I kissed her forehead and she blew bubbles at me.

"Hi!" The little boy was back.

"Hello," I said.

"Tyler! Get back here!" The woman's voice called out to him as she walked over to us. "Oh hello," she said when she saw Alexis and me.

Tyler took his mother's hand and pointed to Alexis. "Baby?"

"Tyler I don't know the little girl's name, why don't you ask her mommy?"

"Baby?" Tyler looked up at me with such big dark brown eyes.

I smiled and sat Alexis up straighter. "This is Alexis, can you say Alexis?"

Tyler looked at his mother and then back at us. He giggled, "EXES!" He jumped and slapped his hands together. "Baby Exes!"

I grinned and glanced down at Alexis, she was staring at him with a half smile on her face, like she didn't know what to think of him.

Tyler's mother asked if she could sit down and when she did, I noticed she was pregnant. "Oh," she smiled and placed her hands on her belly. "My first time, my husband and I are so excited about her, we've been trying for a long time to get pregnant."

I have her a funny look and glanced at Tyler. "But..."

She followed my gaze. "Tyler isn't my son, he's my nephew."

"Oh, I'm sorry."

She shook her head, "Oh don't be sorry. He might as well be my son, he lives with me and has ever since he was 3 months old. His mother couldn't take care of herself and didn't want to the responsibility of the baby. So she left him with my husband and me."

I watched Tyler as he went through the snow piles, looking for little rocks which he then carried over to us and laid them in a pile at our feet. I gazed down at Alexis and I couldn't imagine leaving her for a moment, kissing the top of her head, I hugged her tight. I love you sweetheart, I'll never leave you.

Donna, Tyler's aunt, saw my reaction and she asked me if I was ok. I found myself telling her about the events that lead up to Alexis and I living here without anyone around to help or to talk too. "Did you try the 'mommy and me' group?"

I nodded, "But that didn't go over all that well, I didn't feel welcomed."

"I know!" She exclaimed and went on to tell me about when she took Tyler there. "Those women have to be the most unfriendly people in the world! But luckily for us, my husband found out about this other playgroup through some of the ladies he works with and they are great. You should come join us sometime." She went on to tell me when they met and a little about each of the women and their kids, it all sounded so wonderful. That is until she got to the part that it wasn't in town, damn!

"I'd offer you a ride Amber but I already have a car load. But I can check around to see if anyone else can give you a ride." I told her thanks and soon she told me she had to go.

Not long after they left, I put Alexis back in her stroller and we went home.

I was still thinking about what Donna told me as I walked up the stairs to my apartment. I looked down at Alexis, "If mommy only had a car sweetheart."

"Then what would happen?"

I jumped and turned towards the voice, "Chris. Hi." I didn't even hear his door open, and there was no mistaking he was heading out and not to work.

He closed his door, locked it and then turned to me again. "Hey Amber, how are you doing?"

I shrugged and fiddled with Alexis' toy that was in my hands, "Fine."

Chris sighed, "You are mad at me. And I wouldn't blame you, I told you I'd call and I didn't."

"It's ok," I told him but that's not what I was thinking.

"Amber -"

"Chris come on! I don't have all...oh! Hello." I glanced down the stairs at the woman who was yelling out to Chris and I felt like such an idiot to believe that he was actually interested in me when this woman was ten times more beautiful than I ever could hope to be.

"Umm...I have to get Alexis inside. Bye." I tried to open my door before I realized that it wasn't unlocked. I wanted the floor to open up and swallow me whole right then.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Chris squat down in front of Alexis' stroller. "When your mommy gets you inside, tell her that I have to go to the hospital with my sister because my mommy fell down and got a big owie. Can you do that for me Alexis?"

If I wasn't embarrassed before, I certainly was then. I bit my lip as I turned to look at him. He got to his feet and leaned towards me, "It's been a hell of a week Amber. I swear I wasn't blowing you off."

"Chris?"

He glanced at his sister and then back to me, "I'm not sure when I'll be home but I'd like to see you later, if it's ok." He kissed my cheek and then leaned down to kiss Alexis' cheek. "I have to go." He made his way down to his sister and then stopped. "I promise I'll see you later," he said as he smiled up at me.

He continued on down with his sister and after they were out of eye sight, I heard her say. "That's the girl you cooked supper for?" She laughed, "I thought you were kidding. Christopher! Ah! She seems nice and her little girl..." Her voice faded the further down they went.

I guess it's no surprise that I was almost floating when I walked into my apartment. I couldn't wait for him to get home.

And I still can't wait but it's noon and Alexis is hungry, so I have to wait.

Why Do Answers Lead To More Questions?

Yesterday before he left, Reed decided that he was going to shovel the snow off my balcony. He told me that he figured with the snow melting like it was, it would be a good idea. I just nodded, things were a little weird between us (more than normal) and I think it had something to do with Chris. I'm not 100% sure but if I was a gambling woman, I'd bet on that being the reason.

While he was shovelling Alexis and I were watching 'Happy Feet', or she was watching it when she wasn't trying to see what her daddy was doing. Me, I wasn't really into it. I couldn't help but think about all the unanswered questions that remained. Ok, so Reed tried to call me, see me and emailed me, none of which I actually knew about. But what I didn't understand is why he didn't try to find me, he has access to a lot of money and he could've easily found out where I lived. And that wasn't the only thing, why now? Why had he volunteered to come get me? Why is he really here? With all those thoughts running through my head, one that seemed to be the loudest was, why did he leave me alone at the hotel? Waking up and finding him gone was probably the worst moment of my life, well after the whole denying Alexis was his.

Alexis had wiggled down and now was laying with her head on my lap, sucking her thumb while she tried to fight the sleep that was closing in on her. I sat there gently stroking her hair, thinking how lucky I was that she was in my life and how I wouldn't have it any other way. When she started to do the head bobs - were she would sort of fall asleep and catch herself making her jump - I knew I should go get Reed so he could give her a kiss like he always does.

As I approached the door, I noticed he was leaning over the balcony, kind of staring off into space as he played with something in his hand. I shouldn't see what it was and it wasn't until he did the tell tale hand cup motion that I knew what he was doing - he was smoking! I yanked on the balcony door and it flew opened. Reed jumped, turning towards me as he tried to hide the cigarette but he knew I seen it by the look I gave him. "Please don't look at me like that BerryLynn."

"When did you start?"

"About a year and a half ago," he turned away from me. "I've been trying to quit." I made a noise which told him I didn't believe him. Reed glanced over his shoulder at me, "Believe me or not Amber, I have been trying."

I went to say something but I felt Alexis' hand on my leg. I looked down and she was trying to figure out a way to get out where her daddy was. "No honey you can't go out there. Daddy needs time to kill himself before he comes to give you kisses." I didn't bother to say anything else to Reed, I picked Alexis up, closed the door again and walked into her room.

It wasn't long after I heard the door slide open and then heard the water running in the bathroom. "Oh you are very sleepy aren't you honey?" I gently bounced Alexis in my arms as she rubbed her eyes. "Mommy is gonna put you down and you can go sleepy ok?"

I kissed her forehead and out of the corner of my eye I saw Reed standing in the door way watching us. "Does Daddy want to give kisses before we put you down?"

Reed joined us by her crib, with his hand resting on my back, he leaned down and gave Alexis kisses on the forehead and both cheeks, "Sleep tight princess." With him so close I could smell the faint stench of cigarette smoke and thought it was strange I didn't smell it before, was he really trying to quit? I put Alexis in her crib and then followed Reed out of her room.

Once in the living room, he sat on the couch, grabbed the remote and started to flip through the channels. I headed for the balcony door, I made sure it was locked and then I pulled the blinds back into place before I went over to the couch and grabbed the remote from Reed's hand. "We need to talk," I told him when he looked up at me.

He sat up straight on the couch, "What's on your mind? Is it about the smoking? I swear I'm trying to quit Amber, that was the first one...well, the second one since I was here."

I shook my head and sat down next to him, facing him. "No it's not about the smoking, although I don't want you smoking around Alexis." He didn't argue with me. "Reed I want to know why you are here."

"Because I wanted to spend time with Alexis and you," he replied instantly.

"No, why are you here now? Why not a year ago? Six months ago?"

Reed turned to face me, completely turned his body towards mine. "Amber I honestly thought that you were getting my emails and were still so mad at me. I wanted you to come to me, I wanted you to want to talk to me. But you never even tried. First I thought you were just punishing me but after a while I figured that you just didn't think I was worth your time. I tried to get your father to tell me where you were but he told me that if you wanted me to know you would tell me."

"You know I'm not buying that Reed. You could've hired someone to find me if you really wanted to know where we were."

He nodded, "I could've but would you have wanted to have me here then?"

"Just about as much as I want you here now."

"No Amber, you wouldn't have let me within 50 feet of Alexis before the last month or so."

"Whatever you have to tell yourself to feel better Reed," I went to get up but he stopped me.

"Amber, I was drunk. For the past year and a half I was drunk every single day. Not falling down drunk but bad enough that my father kicked me out of the house and threatened to fire me and cut me off financially." He took his hand from my arm, "I didn't even want to know me at that time, there was no way I was going to let you or our daughter see me like that."

I stared at him for a while, not saying a word. Did I believe him? I don't know but it was something that could be easily confirmed. "If that is true, how do I know you won't go back to that? Reed, why should I let you around Alexis now?"

Reed sat back against the couch and sighed, "Maybe you shouldn't Amber. I don't know if I can be the perfect dad to that little girl in there but I know that I love her and I want to be in her life. It's up to you Amber, I'm here and I don't want to go anywhere but if you don't want me in her life, then I'll have to figure out how to live with that."

I groaned, "That's not what I want Reed. I want you to be in her life and she loves having you around. But Reed, being in her life doesn't mean that you will automatically be in mine."

Reed's head turned towards me so fast that I thought he would tear a muscle or something. "Is this about that guy?"

"Chris?" He nodded and I shook my head. "No Reed, it's about me not being able to trust you enough to let you in."

He laughed, "No? Then what was the other night about? And that night in the hotel? I didn't force you Amber, you wanted me as much as I wanted you."

"And you left me lying there feeling like a complete fool." I grabbed his arm, "Where did you go that morning? What was so important that you had to rush off without so much as a 'goodbye'?"

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you."

"Try me."

He shook his head, "No I don't think so. I didn't want to leave you that morning Amber but I had too."

"Tell me why."

"Call your father and ask him where I was that morning," Reed said as he reached across and grabbed the remote.

Men! What Are They Good For?

I'm sad today. I shouldn't be sad but I am.

Maybe it's because Reed left yesterday and it was nice to have him around to take some of the stress off me when it came to Alexis, he was always jumping in when it came time to do anything with her. Plus he helped with the cleaning and stuff too, who knew that having a man around would actually be nice?

Maybe I'm sad because my daughter is sad, there is no trouble to tell that she misses her daddy already. After he left yesterday she was fine at first, maybe because he did leave a few times while he was here to go to the store for something he just 'had' to get her Alexis or me. But as the day wore on, she started to realised that he wasn't back. Anytime she heard something outside the door she would sit up and listen with this big smile on her face but when the door never opened, she'd lay on the floor and whine. One time she heard something outside the door, so she sat up and everything, then she heard keys jingling and she took off for the door and sat there waiting for it to open. But it didn't, the noise she heard was Chris when he came home from work. She's so sad and I don't know what to do with her. The only time she was happy was when Reed called to talk to her before she went to bed.

I should've known this would happen. I knew that having Reed visit wouldn't be a good idea. But at the same time, I'm glad that he was here. It was nice to get some of the pent up anger I had for him out. I still don't know what happened to the emails he sent, I don't know why I didn't get them. The only thing I could think of was that someone was trying to keep me from getting them but I don't know why anyone would want to do that.

The other night when I read the emails and ended up in my bed with Reed, nothing happened by the way. I woke up around 5 the next morning, he was still holding me as he slept on top of my blanket. I had to use the bathroom so I got out of bed. When I came out of the bathroom I heard Chris' door open. I hadn't seen him for a couple days and I found myself running to my door and opening it.

"Hey," I whispered, he was unlocking his door so his back was to me.

He looked over his shoulder and smiled, "Hey yourself." He glanced at his watch, "What are you doing up?"

I stepped out into the hallway and pulled the door to. "I woke up and needed a drink. I heard you out here so I thought I'd say hi. Were you going out or coming in?"

He laughed, "I was on my way out when I realized I forgot my lunch. Just one second," he turned to his door. "I'll be right back."

I stood in the hallway and wondered what I was doing. Sure Chris seemed interested in me but I hadn't really heard from him in the past couple days. I was in the middle of arguing with myself on whether or not he was interested when he came back out with his lunch container and a thermos. We stood there just looking at each other, not saying a word until he said, "Well I should go."

"Oh," I half turned towards my door, "yeah I'm sorry I bothered you." I pushed my door open and went to head in when he grabbed my arm and spun me back around.

"Amber, I don't know what's going on with you. I don't know who the guy is that's staying with you at the moment but I have to tell you, I'm jealous."

I kinda smiled and blushed at the same time. "That is...umm...it's Alexis' dad."

He nodded, "I see. So are you..." he looked pass me and then stepped back. "I should get going."

"No, please stay." I turned around and caught the end of the dirty look Reed was giving Chris. "Amber I don't think I know your friend." Just the way Reed said friend made me feel like I was doing something wrong.

"No, and I don't think you deserve to know him either!" I pulled the door shut and turned to Chris. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you he was going to be here."

Chris shrugged his shoulders, "It's ok, we aren't dating so I guess you didn't have to tell me."

I cringed when he said that, it made me feel twice as bad. "I guess not."

"But that doesn't mean that I wasn't interested in dating you." I tilted my head upwards, "I am interested Amber." He moved in closer to me and slipped an arm around my waist. "Very interested." He pressed his lips against mine for a brief moment and then pulled away. "I have to get to work but would it be ok if I called you later?"

I nodded and he started down the stairs. When he was gone I went to open my door but it wouldn't open. "Reed let me in."

He opened the door enough so that the chain went tight, "Why? Did Romeo leave you all alone?"

I rolled my eyes, "Let me in now!"

"On one condition."

"No! Let me in!" I went to grab for his shirt when he closed the door on me. "Reed!!"

I heard the chain as it slid through its locking part and then the door opened again. "Tell me something Amber," Reed said as he moved aside to let me in. I stopped and looked at him expectantly. "Does he make you tremble all over with the slightest touch?"

I rolled my eyes as I walked away from him.

"I take that as a 'no'." He called out as I closed my bedroom door.

Later that day when Alexis was awake I tried to pretend that the incident with Reed that morning didn't happen but it was very difficult when he seemed intent on brushing against me every chance he got.

And the fact that Chris didn't call me that night didn't help.

In fact I haven't heard from Chris since that morning.

Do You Ever Really Know?

I watched Reed as he sat down at my table and pulled his laptop close. He typed some stuff in, clicked through a couple things and then turned to me. “Come here.”

I didn’t want to go over there, I didn’t know if I really wanted him to prove that he did email me, I didn’t know what I would do if I read what he supposedly wrote to me over a year ago. Would seeing the emails change anything?

“Amber?” I turned to look at him, he must have seen the doubt in my eyes because he got up and came over to me. “Darling, I sent you lots of email and I kept every single one of them.” He took my hands in his, gently tugging on my arms to get me to stand up. “Come on, don’t you want to see them?”

I didn’t know what to say, I gave him a helpless look. “It won’t change anything Reed.”

“It might not but at least you’ll know I’m telling you the truth and you’ll know how I truly felt.” He turned away from me and went back to his laptop. “Darling, if you don’t want to read them it’s fine. But,” he pulled a piece of paper out of his notepad and started to write on it. He made his way back over to me and took my hand, “If you ever want to know, here’s my address and password, feel free to check them out.” He stood there gazing down at me, it seemed like he wanted to add something else but he excused himself to go jump in the shower.

I stood frozen in place, I couldn’t believe that he gave me his password. Glancing from the folded piece of paper in my hand to his laptop, I felt torn. Did I want to know? Yes, I did. Did I have the courage to know? That I didn’t know. So I stood there debating it while I tried to look everywhere but at his laptop. My eyes slid over a picture of Alexis when she was just a couple days old, she looked so pretty. You owe it to her to know how he felt, to maybe put some of the hatred towards him behind you and move on with your life.

Taking a deep breath I forced myself towards the table and sat down in the chair that Reed not long ago vacated. Here goes nothing. I scanned the screen, there were so many emails addressed to me, starting from the beginning of last year up until mid summer. Just seeing my name so many times made me anxious to see what he had to say. With a very shaky hand I clicked the first email open.

We need to talk
From: Reed Johnson
Sent: January 23, 2006 4:14:10 PM
To: Amber Sands

Amber

I just came from your house, your father told me that you no longer live there but wouldn’t tell me where you are. What’s going on? Where are you? We need to talk about the baby and our future. Please call me as soon as you get this email, it doesn’t matter what time it is. You know my numbers, call collect if you have too.

Reed

I stared at the screen, he was telling the truth, he did email me. I quickly opened the next one.

Where are you?
From: Reed Johnson
Sent: January 25, 2006 1:51:34 PM
To: Amber Sands

Amber I know you are upset with me but please call me. Reed
You can even email me if you don’t wish to talk.

I opened the next ten or so and they were all practically the same as the second one, all begging me to call him, all telling me that we needed to talk. Then I came across this one.

This is crazy
From: Reed Johnson
Sent: April 5, 2006 3:01:41 AM
To: Amber Sands

Amber

Your failure to even email me is very discouraging but I refuse to give up. We need to talk, you know that and I know that. The only reason I can think of as to why you haven’t contacted me is you are still really upset with me about my behavior when you told me about the baby.

When you told me you were pregnant with my baby my first thought, after I realized you weren’t kidding, was ‘oh no, her father is going to kill me’ followed quickly by ‘am I ready to be a father?’ I’ll admit that I wasn’t thinking of anyone but myself in those first few moments, I knew you wanted reassurance that things would be ok but I didn’t even know if I would be ok. I didn’t know how to handle the news Amber, so I did want I always do when I need to escape something, I went to grab a beer.

While I was getting the beer, Devon came up to me and noticed that I wasn’t looking so good. He was my best friend, so I figured that I could confide in him about the baby. The moment I told him, he asked me if the baby was mine. I laughed in his face and told him of course the baby was mine. Some of the other guys had gathered around us and started to say some horrible things about you, claiming that you’ve been unfaithful to me and the baby wasn’t mine but you were saying it was to ensure it’s future. I didn’t want to believe them but I had my own doubts about your feelings for me.

I can try to make excuses to why I acted so appalling but darling there is no excuse for treating you the way I did. I’m truly sorry for every mean spirited, hurtful word I spoke that night. Every moment you spend ignoring me makes me despise myself even more.

I didn’t know until I came back home that my parents knew about the baby. Joseph told me all about the visit you and your parents made to mine. He told me all about the words my mother said to you and how every one seemed to be blaming you. I’m so sorry I wasn’t there with you, to protect you from all of that. The first thing I did when I saw my parents was to tell them in no uncertain terms that you were carrying my child and I had every intention of being a father to our baby. I told them that when they saw you again, they were going to apologize for their behavior.

When I was finished with my parents I went to see you, I didn’t know you weren’t there anymore. I spoke to your father and demanded he tell me where you were but he refused. He told me that you had no desire to see me and that you weren’t keeping the baby when it was born.

Amber you can’t get rid of our baby! I know I didn’t seem too excited at first but I was so scared, all I could think was ‘I don’t want to be like my father’. Even now, I’m not one hundred percent sure that I won’t screw up but darling I want the chance, I want our baby to know us. I want to watch our child grow and learn and become the best person that he/she could be.

Please call me Amber.

Love,
Reed

After I finished reading I sat back in the chair, took a deep shaky breath and wiped the tears of my cheeks. He wanted to keep the baby, my heart clenched in my chest and I put my hand over it. I felt so weak at that moment, I leaned forward to rest my head on the table. He wanted Alexis, I thought and couldn’t stop the fresh flow of tears that streamed down my cheeks.

I cried for all the sleepless nights and all the morning sickness I had while pregnant, all the times I wished he was there to help me. I cried for the loneliness I felt laying in that cold hospital room while the pains of childbirth reeked havoc on my body. I cried for my little girl who didn’t know her father wasn’t around. I cried for Reed, who missed out on every moment of her life so far. And lastly, I cried for all the anger and hatred for him, which I held inside while it slowly ate away at me.

I didn’t hear Reed as he sunk to his knees on the floor beside me. I barely felt it as he rubbed my back and whispered comforting words to me. I didn’t know anything until he rose to his feet, took me up in his arms and carried me into my room.

He gently placed me in the center of my bed and drew the covers up over my body. “Good night my darling Berrylynn,” he whispered as his lips pressed softly against my wet cheek. He moved away as if to go but I grabbed his hand in mine.

“Please don’t go.”

He gazed down at me, unsure of what to do.

“I don’t want to be alone right now. Please don’t leave me alone Reed.”

The mattress gave way to his weight as he stretched out on top of the blankets on my bed. “I won’t leave you Amber,” he pulled me into his arms and held me as I started to drift off to sleep.

Inquisition

I went home that night and cried myself to sleep. I didn't understand why Reed would not say anything at first about the baby then go down stairs only to come up and start attacking me. It wasn't like him to be so aggressive, he normally was the calm one in our relationship. I had a tendency to freak out and tell people exactly what I was thinking and he always was the one to pull me back, to 'rein' me in I guess you could say.

When my parents found out they were so ashamed. They needed someone to blame and since I was their daughter and they could get away with getting mad at me, they yelled at me for hours about how much I screwed up their plans for me. My father worked for Reed's father so it's not like he could go over there and yell at Reed, or so my mother claims.

Reed's parents found out because my parents brought me over there and told them. Reed wasn't there at the time, he was out of town for some work thing. His mother flipped out and began to accuse me of being a slut and told my parents that there was no way my baby was Reed's. I had hoped that my parents would've defended me but they didn't say anything. My father let Lucinda go on for a couple minutes before he stood up and told them that we were leaving.

That night my parents told me that I was going to stay with some distant cousin and the baby was to be put up for adoption. I didn't see Reed at all before I left, he was still out of town when I left two days later.

The cousin I went to stay with didn't know I was pregnant and when she found out what my parents had sent me there for, she freaked out; she didn't think that I should be made to give away my baby if I didn't want too. At the time, I didn't know if I wanted to keep the baby but as my pregnancy progressed and I started to feel her and 'see' her, I knew that there was no way I could give my child away. Shannon, my distant cousin, helped me tell my parents that I was keeping the baby.

At first my parents tried to talk me out of it but then one night my mother called me to tell me that my father and her were coming out to visit me. I thought they had finally realized that what they did was wrong and they were going to take me back home but they didn't. They told me I was leaving my cousins' and brought me here. They told me that they would make sure that I didn't ever want for anything but I was to stay here because my 'mistake' didn't fit into their way of life.

Why didn't I argue? Why did I just except their money and stay here? Well, they weren't telling me that I had to get rid of Alexis, they weren't telling me I had to pay my own way. They were paying for everything and I got to keep my baby and not have to worry about ever having to leave her. It seemed too good to be true. But I didn't think about that.

Yes, I wanted my parents to accept Alexis as their grandchild, I wanted them to love her and want to be around her. But I felt like I had won the war, so one little battle I was willing to accept defeat.

In all that time, I never once heard from Reed nor did my parents tell me anything when they were talking to me.

So now, yesterday. Like I said earlier, I decided to get to the bottom of Reed's claims that he tried to contact me and I didn't reply. I needed him to tell me everything but I wasn't sure how to go about doing that. I didn't want to get him drunk or try to seduce him to find out, although I did have those as back up plans if I needed.

First thing I had to do was get him to actually talk to me again, he still wasn't saying too much to me. Then again, I didn't really say much to him either.

Reed was sitting on the floor with his legs out in from of him and building blocks lying on the floor in front of him. He was trying to get Alexis to come over and play with the building blocks but she was more interested in just crawling around. "Does Lexi come over and help daddy build?" She stopped, looked at him and the blocks and then started crawling away again, laughing.

"You know what you do?" I went over to him and he looked up at me with a questioning look on his face. "You have to pretend to ignore her while you play with the blocks and she'll come over to see what you are doing."

"Yeah?" He glanced at Alexis and then at the blocks.

"Here, I'll show you." I got down on the floor with him. I leaned in close and started to build a tower with the blocks.

"She's not coming over," he whispered.

"Don't look at her, help me make this tower." Reluctantly he did what I said and within minutes I heard Alexis' fast crawl headed our way. I don't know if she tried it or if she wasn't watching but she crawled right into the tower, sending the blocks tumbling down. She sat up and stared at the big pile of blocks, her little eyes were wide, her mouth was in the 'o' shape and she was pointing to the pile. "Yeah, you made it fall down and go boom!" I told her as I reached out and started to tickle her.

When I tired of tickling her, I happened to glance over at Reed and he was watching us with this huge grin on his face. Quickly, I stood up, "So that's all you have to do." I made my way back into the kitchen where I was making supper. That moment on the floor started it all, he seemed to try to make up for the time he spent not talking in the few hours it took to make supper, clean up and get Alexis ready for bed.

After we had Alexis down for the night, he told me he had some work he had to do and asked if it would be ok if he spend out his stuff on my dining room table. I told him it was ok and then mentioned I was going to go relax in the bathtub and to call me if Alexis woke up.

He didn't call me. I emerged from the tub an hour later and he was still hunched over paperwork. "How's it going?" I asked on my way to the kitchen to grab something to drink.

"Alright I guess," he leaned back against the chair and stretched his arms over his head. "I don't know why I do this, I don't want to be doing this."

"Oh?" I walked over to the table and glanced at the spreadsheets in front of him. "Why are you doing it then?"

Reed smiled up at me, "It helps pay the bills."

I rolled my eyes and walked over to the couch, "I'm going to watch a movie, I hope that won't bother you."

"Not unless it's a chick flick," he joked.

"Oh it will be." I informed him. "The saddest chick flick I can find in my collection." He just laughed and went back to his paperwork while I settled on the couch and re-watched My Girl for the millionth time. And no, that isn't the sappiest movie in my collection but it does make me cry everytime.

I was almost through the movie when he pushed his chair away from the table and made his way over to the couch. Plopping down next to me, he stretched his legs out and sighed. It was difficult not to look at him. He had his eyes closed and his head was slightly turned my way, his hands were folded over his stomach he looked so drained that I started to wonder if he was eating properly and getting enough sleep. Neither of us said a word as we finished watching the movie.

"That was sad," he stated. I nodded and he gave me a half assed smile. He sat there gazing at me intensely for a while and then he closed his eyes.

"Umm Reed?"

"Mmm?" He raised a brow questioningly but didn't open his eyes.

"I didn't get any calls or emails."

He opened his eyes, "I left messages Amber."

"Where? When?"

"When I was out of town just after you told me, I called from the hotel many times and asked to speak to you, I was always told that you didn't want to talk to me or you were out. I left messages asking for you to call me at the hotel and on my cell."

"I wasn't at my parents house anymore by that time."

He nodded, "Yeah I found that out after I came home. I went over to see you and was told by your father that you were gone. I tried to get him to tell me where you were but he wouldn't. So I figured that I'd email you, you were so obsessive about checking your mail that I knew you would get my messages."

I shook my head, "Ok the phone messages I can see how I didn't get them but Reed, I checked my mail all the time and I never ever got anything from you."

"I emailed you Amber," his voice was soft and gentle when he said that.

"I didn't get anything Reed."

He turned his head my way, "I emailed you."

"I told you I didn't get any mail from you."

"And I told you I emailed you!" He jumped up and headed to the kitchen table. "And I can prove it!"


*

I have to stop right now, I have to go and start supper. There will be more later.

Looking Back

I keep replaying the events of the past 16 months. I keep going through everything wondering how I could've possibly missed calls or emails from Reed. It didn't seem possible but was it?

When I told him I was pregnant, it probably wasn't the best time to do it. We were at a party and he had been drinking. We were in one of his friend's house, in some bedroom. I had wanted to tell him about the baby but I didn't tell him that when I lead him off to the bedroom. We were on the bed making out, when I told him to stop I had something to tell him. He stopped right away, he never tried to force himself on me which I respected. I didn't say anything for a few minutes and when I did turn to tell him, he was almost passed out. I shook him awake and told him about the baby.

At first he didn't believe me, he told me to stop kidding around. When I told him I was serious, he seemed to sober up a little but he didn't say anything. I tried to get him to tell me what he was thinking and he told me he needed a drink. I tried to stop him but it didn't work, he left the room and stumbled downstairs for another beer. I stayed in the room not knowing what to do. I wanted to leave the party but I came with Reed and I didn't want to leave him there.

A half hour later I decided to go find him but he came banging through the door. And that's when he started to freak about the baby, asking who else I've been with and if the baby was even his. I was so shocked at his questions that I shouldn't even think of how to answer them. He kept asking the same questions over and over again and my final response of 'there was no one else' and 'of course the baby is yours' didn't seem to go over that well. When he slurred, 'that's not what I heard' I realized that there was no way I could even reason with him in the state he was in. I told him he was drunk and asked him to let me take him home. He told me he wasn't going anywhere with me and stumbled out of the room again.

I followed him, what else was I supposed to do. He made his way down to the living room and over to a group of his guy friends. I tried to get him to leave with me when one of his friends asked him why the 'cheating whore' was still there, he shrugged as he chugged back another beer. His buddies then started harassing me, calling me a liar, cheat and a whore. I looked to him for support but I didn't receive any. He grabbed my arm and told me in no uncertain terms that there was no way he was going to let a 'lying, cheat whore' push another guy's kid off on him. I left the party after that.

So when he told me that he called and left emails I didn't really believe him, who could blame me?

So I decided I'd get to the bottom of it last night.

But I'll have to tell that later.

I have to go see what Reed is doing with Alexis. She's laughing up a storm.

Yes, I'm jealous!

Is Silence Really Golden?

Ok, so spending the night with Reed again was probably not the brightest thing I've ever done. I have no excuses and I'm not going to try to convince anyone that it wasn't as bad as they think because I'm not so sure myself. I honestly don't know how I feel about him, I'm so mad at him for not being there for Alexis and me for the last 16 months. But on the other hand, I keep thinking, he's here now why cause yourself stress over the past when he seems to want to make things right? Why shouldn't I give him that chance? Does he deserve that chance?

As I sit here and write this I still don't know the answer to those questions. I wish there was someone to talk to about it but who would I talk too? My mother? She'd tell me that it's in Alexis' best interest for her parents to be together. The only other person I talk to is Chris and I don't think he needs to know that I've been sleeping with my ex.

I used to have a friend that I could tell everything to, Janie. We were so close through junior high and high school, it was like what I imagine having a sister would be like. We were always together; talking, laughing and sharing everything.

When I started dating Reed she wanted me to hook her up with his friend, Devon. I did and they dated on and off but things weren't good between them. When I found out I was pregnant, I told her even before I told anyone else. She was so concerned about me and what would happen when everyone found out but she was also in the middle of ending things with Devon. The same night, I told Reed about the baby. He flipped out and I went home in tears. Over the next couple days my parents found out and the rest is history I guess.

So what happened to my friendship with Janie? I have no idea, we emailed for a while but then she stopped without explanation. I was too busy being sick and pregnant, that I didn't bother to try to find out what happened.

But now I needed a friend, so I emailed her yesterday while Reed was gone out to the store.

Hey Janie,

It's been a long time since I last spoke to you, or emailed you. I've been busy with the expected curve life threw me, and I love every minute of it. Alexis is the best little girl ever.

Janie, I was wondering if there is a chance that we could be friends again? I've been thinking about you a lot lately and I really wish we could hang out like the old days.

My email address hasn't changed and ***-***-**** is my home phone number. I would love to hear from you.

Amber

As of right now, she hasn't called or emailed me back. I'm so confused at the moment, that I'm contemplating calling my mother to get some advice. But before I do that, let me fill you in.

I woke up yesterday on the couch - alone. I couldn't believe it! I was about ready to flip out on myself when I heard his whispered voice coming from the kitchen.

"No, I haven't asked her yet...I don't want her to think that I only want that...well that maybe what you want but it's not why I'm here!"

I wondered who he was talking to and what he was going to ask me. Then I wondered if he was playing me to get something.

"Mother just stop! If you want to see Alexis, then you either ask Amber to bring her to see you or you ask her if you can some and visit. I'm not going to be your go-between."

I raised a brow, if Lucinda wants to see Alexis she is going to have to come here, I'm not bring her to enemy territory. I stretched out, why doesn't she want to see her all of a sudden?

"Amber isn't stupid mother, she's going to know something is up no matter what...No! I'm not going to lie to her, you do whatever you want but leave me out of it. I want Amber to trust me, mom I need her to trust me."

Trust him?? I had enough listening, I crawled off the couch, wrapping a blanket around me as I went. I walked out into the kitchen, leaned back against the fridge and waited for him to turn around.

"Mom," I didn't hear Reed call his mother 'mom' too many times, normally it's when he's being painfully honest. He rested his hip against the edge of the counter and sighed, "I want her to be able to believe me when I tell her that I..." he happened to glance over his shoulder towards the couch and was surprised to find me standing behind him. He had this vulnerable look on his face for a brief moment, he looked away and when he looked back again, it was gone. "Umm mother I have to go...Amber is awake....I don't think she wants...ok fine." He held out his cell to me. "Mother would like to speak with you."

I rubbed my hand over my arm as I glanced from his to his phone. I didn't want to talk to his mother, ever. But I didn't really have a choice, I guess. "Hello Lucinda," I tried to sound cheerful when I took his phone, I thought I sounded fake.

"How are you this fine morning Amber Lynn?"

I rolled my eyes and glared at Reed, who shifted uncomfortably from one foot to the other as he watched me. "I'm fine Lucinda, what's on your mind this morning?"

"Well Amber Lynn, I was just thinking about Reed being down there to visit and I thought it would be great if you and Alexis came back with him on Thursday. I know he would love to spend more time with both of you. Roger and I would also love to see Alexis again, we didn't have a chance to visit when you were here last weekend."

"Oh?" I raised a brow. "And why is it that you are suddenly so eager to spend time in the company of the 'slut' who was trying to trap your 'precious little Reed' into marriage?" I waited for her gasp and then continued, "That was you that said that, right? Yes, I believe it was right after you slapped my face and before you 'fainted'."

"Why I never!" Lucinda exclaimed, "How dare you talk to me like that? Do you know who I am?"

I laughed, "Of course I know who you are Lucinda. And I know what you are. If you think I'm going to forget everything and happily ship my daughter off to see you then you are crazier than I ever though possible!"

"Amber," Reed was at my side. "Darling please don't."

I looked into his eyes as Lucinda freaked in my ear. "I don't know why Reed insists on being involved with you. I told him from the beginning you were trouble, that boy never listens to me!"

With my jaw clenched, I glared at Reed. "Just cut the crap and tell me what you are playing at, I don't have time for games anymore."

Reed shook his head and went to say something but he stopped.

"You are not fit to be a mother!" Lucinda stated. "Alexis would be so much better off if she was with Reed full time."

"Alexis is my daughter and there's no way you or anyone else will take her from me." I ripped the phone away from my ear and slammed it into Reed's chest. "If you are even thinking about taking her from me, I'll make you sorry you were ever born!"

I had to get out of there I couldn't stand to be around him anymore. I went into my room, closed the door behind me and crawled into my bed. Is that what he's after? Does he want my baby? Does he think I'll just hand her over to him?

It was maybe two minutes before I heard Reed knocking on my door, I ignored it but he didn't wish to be ignored. Without permission he opened the door and came over to me.

"Amber?"

I lifted my head up to see him kneeling on the floor by my bed. I didn't say anything to him, I just glared at him, he reached for my hand but I pulled it back.

"I have no intentions of ever trying to take Alexis from you. I swear the thought has never crossed my mind Amber." His hand came up and brushed a strand of hair back from my face before I could stop it. "I want to be a part of Alexis' life, I want her to know me and to be proud to call me 'daddy'."

He sighed, "I wish that there was something I could say to make the relationship you have with my mother better but there isn't. Amber, I want Alexis to know her grandparents too. My mother has done and said many things in the past that she regrets, she wants to make things right but she doesn't know how to extend that olive branch in a manner that would make you accept it, not swish her across the back with it." I grinned at the image of smacking his mother with a branch. "Although I would pay to see you do it."

The grin disappeared from my face. "Why does she suddenly want Alexis in her life?" He shifted uncomfortably and went to say something but I stopped him. "I don't want any crap Reed, just tell me the truth."

He groaned, "I didn't want to get in this, I told her she had to make her own bridges with you. God knows, I have enough of my own to keep me busy for a long time."

"Reed just tell me."

"Ok," he took a deep breath and let it out before he spoke again. "A couple months ago my mother found a lump on her breast, she got it checked out and luckily it wasn't cancer. But it seemed to be a little bit of a wake up call for her. The moment she found it wasn't cancer she kept talking about all the things she did, all the people she screwed over in the past. She swore that she would do something about it, if was too late to fix what she did, maybe she could apologize for it."

I rolled my eyes, "You expect me to believe that woman wants to make everything better?"

"I don't know what she wants Amber. And frankly I don't care."

I laughed, "Then why are you here, errand boy?"

"I'm here because I want to be not because my mother decided she wants to know her granddaughter." Reed jumped to his feet and stared down at me. "I'm here because I got tired of waiting for you to let me in again. I'm tired of being ignored Amber, I may have been a prick when you told me about Alexis but you could have returned my calls, you could've had the decency to reply to my emails if nothing else."

I didn't know what he was talking about, I didn't receive any calls and certainly didn't get any emails. I was about to tell him what I thought about his 'I'm tired' speech when Alexis' cries interrupted me.

All day yesterday, he didn't say another word to me and I was too tired to hear any more bs.

Last night he slept on the couch.

And I slept in my bed.

This morning he made breakfast and cleaned up without my help. And he asked to take Alexis outside to play.

I stayed in here and this is what I did.

Now it's noon, he's back with Alexis and wants to take us out for lunch.

Daddy Comes To Visit

Oh where do I start?

Yesterday was an interesting one and it started very early.

I couldn't sleep at all Saturday night, I kept tossing and turning. I would keep remembering things that I had to do. Many times that night I cursed Reed for deciding that he would come down on Sunday and stay until Thursday morning. I also cursed myself for not realizing that he was setting a little trap for me when he was vague about the date of the conference and where it was. There was no conference, he told me that last night.

After tossing and turning, I decided to say screw it and get up. I wanted to get a head start on my cleaning list before Alexis woke up. Now my apartment isn't dirty but I didn't want there to be anything left undone in case Reed saw it and questioned my ability to raise Alexis in a clean and healthy environment. I know that may sound silly but I wouldn't put it past him or his family.

Reed said he would be at my place around noon but I made him promise he would call me when he got into town so I'd have time to panic before he actually arrived. I was finished my 'to do' list around 10, which was a good thing since Alexis was awake and wanting attention since 8. In the two hours before he arrived, Alexis and I both got a little something to eat and had a bath. I was just finishing dressing her when my phone rang at 11:30.

"Hello dear it's Lucinda, has Reed made it there yet?" I told her 'no'. She said she'd let me go and finish what I was doing.

"Amber dear please tell Reed to give me a call when he gets in." I promised her I would tell him and hung up.

Alexis and I were sitting on the couch reading when the phone rang again. 11:40.

"Hello dear, it's Lucinda again. I'm heading out for an hour, please tell Reed to call me on my cell phone when he gets there. It's very important Amber." I promised her I would and again I hung up.

We were still reading when the phone rang at 11:50.

"Hello dear, it's me again. I an at home, I forgot that I moved my appointment to tomorrow. So please have Reed call me at home and not on my cell phone." I rolled my eyes and told her I'd tell him and hung up.

When my phone rang at 12, I looked at Alexis. "You get it this time and tell your grandmother she's crazy and your daddy doesn't ever want to talk to her again." Alexis glanced up at me and then turned back to her book. "Hello?"

"Hello darling, I'm just a few blocks away from your place, I'll be there in five minutes."

My stomach rolled, I thought I was gonna be sick. "Ok, we'll see you then." I hung up the phone and headed for the bathroom without stopping to put Alexis down. We were sitting on the floor in front of my toilet, "Alexis why did I tell your daddy he could come here? Was I crazy?" I was so nervous about the next couple days that I threw up. I don't know if my stomach can survive Reed's visit.

I was giving my teeth a quick brush when the buzzer went off. "Well here goes nothing." I told Alexis as we went to buzz Reed in. "Are you excited to see daddy again sweetie?" Alexis looked up at me when I said 'daddy'.

"Daaaaa," she said with her hands pressed against her mouth.

"That's right sweetie, daddy is coming." There was a knock on the door. "Oh! There he is now! Do you want to see daddy?"

"Daaaaa" she looked at me questioningly. I pointed to the door, "He is out there." Alexis glanced at the door and then at me, she screwed up her little face.

Reed knocked again, "Berrylynn?" Alexis' head turned towards the door and a huge grin spread across her face. I put her down on the floor and she started for the door. "Amber?"

I got to the door just as Alexis sat down in front of it. Opening it slightly, I glanced out at Reed. "Hey there."

He looked at me, "Aren't you going to let me in?" He had his hand on the door and went to push it open.

"No! Wait a minute!" I closed the door and picked up Alexis while Reed called out to me to open the door. "She was sitting by the door" I told him as I swung it open again.

I don't know what I was expecting when Alexis saw Reed, maybe I was hoping she would cry and not want to get up with him but that wasn't the case. Reed barely had time to lift his hands up to her before she was throwing herself at him.

I'll admit that I was jealous. I didn't want my daughter to want to see or spend time with him, I wanted her to only want to spend time with me and I know that's not fair. But what surprised me the most was how I felt having Reed in my apartment, sitting on my couch holding my daughter...I found myself wondering why he didn't do it before and how often he would want to come over. I found myself enjoying his company.

At first I tried to stay out of their way and let them have sometime alone but every time I tried to get away Alexis would cry for me or Reed would ask me something about her schedule or her toys. In the end I sat with them and showed him many of the different things that we liked to do together.

It was 2 before I even knew it, time for Alexis' nap. She was rubbing her eyes and giving little yawns, so I knew she was tired. I tried to take her from Reed to give her a bottle (I didn't want him watching me feed her like at the party) but she didn't want to let go of daddy. Finally I made Reed put her to sleep and he didn't mind one bit, he listened to what I told him and did everything I asked.

When Alexis fell asleep, Reed asked if he could hold her for a little while longer, I told him he could and then went out into the living room again. Just having him doing all the things he should as her father made me almost forget that he wasn't in her life full time. And that thought made me sad.

I was leaning back on the couch, my eyes were closed and I was close to napping myself when I felt the cushion shift beside me as Reed joined me. "Are you sleepy too darling?" He whispered as he slipped his arm behind my back. "Do you need me to put you to sleep too?"

I jumped, my eyes snapped open. "No I don't! And I don't want you touching me either!" I moved further down the couch, glaring at him as I went.

He raised a brow and gave me a knowing grin, "That's not what you said the night of your parents party."

"Don't throw my mistakes in my face Reed."

His grin disappeared, "Mistake?" He stared at me for a while, his jaw was clenched so hard I was afraid he'd break his teeth. Finally he stood up, "I have to get some things at the store. Can I have a key to get back in? Will you be sleeping when I get back?"

I was tempted to tell him to go home but I knew that the second Alexis woke up she would look for him. Sighing, I pushed myself off the couch and got him a set of keys to get back in. He didn't say anything to me as he took the keys and put on his outdoor wear. Without a word or a glance in my direction, he was gone and I felt like a complete bitch.

A complete bitch who was very tired. I sunk onto the couch and drifted off to sleep.

"Alexis no, don't wake mommy." Reed's whispered voice broke through my dreams, "We have to show her that daddy can take care of you." I opened my eyes and looked at the scene in front of me. All of Alexis' toys were thrown across the living room, her diaper bag was opened and the contents were in a pile in one corner of the room along with a couple rough looking diapers. Alexis was on her hands and bare knees on the carpet, she was looking over her shoulder at Reed who was standing in the entrance of the kitchen with a towel draped over his shoulder. I could smell something that wasn't there when I went to sleep, and I heard a noise that certainly wasn't there before I went to sleep. I watched as Reed stepped back into the kitchen and I heard noises that sounded strangely like pot lids being lifted and put back on.

Reed is cooking? Wait, can Reed cook? I jumped off the couch, picked up Alexis and made my way to the kitchen. "What are you doing?" I stared at the mess that was my kitchen.

"Don't worry I'm going to clean it up!" He said as he wiped at the sauce that spilled onto the stove top as he stirred it.

"Damn right you are!" I turned to go back into the living room, "And what about all this?" I motioned to the mess in there.

"I'll get to it, I promise." His voice was so close to my ear, I turned to look over my shoulder and he was standing right behind me.

"What are you trying to do? Destroy my home?"

He frowned, "No, I wanted to show you I could be a good dad. That I could keep Alexis entertained and happy, even if it was only while you napped." He sighed, "Amber I'm just learning this stuff, I'll get better at it."

I looked pass him to the kitchen, "And what happened in there?"

He glanced over his shoulder and cringed. "I was hungry, I thought I would make supper. I remembered that you loved cook's spaghetti, so I called her up and asked her how to make it." He looked at Alexis and then at me, "I thought I could do it Amber. But I guess I suck at this domestic stuff." He whipped the towel off his shoulder and shrugged, "I'm good at buying supper though," he gave me a weak smile. "What would you like? We can go where ever you want."

I looked at Alexis, she was watching him and her little lip was poking out in a pout. I glanced at the living room and then at the kitchen, he tried doesn't that count for something? I sighed, "Here take her," I handed him Alexis. "Go and pick up her toys and I'll see what I can do to fix supper. I might not make it like Norma but I'm sure I can make something just as good."

His face lit up, "Are you sure?" I nodded, "Thanks Amber." He leaned down and pressed the quickest kiss against my lips. "Come on Princess Lexi, let's play 'Cinderella'."

I shook my head and turned to the kitchen. Surveying the mess he left, I didn't realize that I has my fingers against my lip and a smile on my face. What the hell are you thinking? He has already loved you and left you twice, get your head out of the sand Amber!

My apartment was tidy again and dinner was ready. We sat down to eat and I let Reed feed Alexis her food. It was fun to watch him try to coax her to open her mouth, it only took him ten minutes to realize how to get her to eat.

True to his word, Reed cleaned up the kitchen and then helped me get Alexis ready for bed.

We went into the living room after she was settled, I stood there waiting for him to tell me he was going but he headed for the couch and turned on the TV. "What are you doing?"

"Watching TV," he said without looking up. "Why don't you come over here and join me?" I don't know why but I did. He smiled at me, "I don't know how you do this everyday Amber, you have to be a supermom or something."

I laughed, "Reed it wasn't easy but I had no choice."

"Yes you did, you could've come back home."

"I couldn't go home! My parents kicked me out remember? And everyone was talking about me like I was some kind of whore. I wasn't about to let my daughter live through that."

Reed turned to me, "Our daughter Amber. She's mine too."

I shook my head, "For how long Reed? Until you get tired of playing 'daddy'?"

"For the rest of my life and hers. I am going to be in her life Amber, I just hope you can deal with that."

"Just stay out of mine."

He considered this for a moment, "I don't want to fight with you Amber." He stood up, "It's been a long day, I think I should get some sleep." He looked around. "Where am I sleeping?"

"Where did you make reservations?" I asked him slowly.

"I didn't, I thought I would be staying here with you and Alexis."

"What?" I grabbed his arm, "Look around Reed this is a two bedroom apartment, where do you think I would put you?" A smile started to form on his lips and I slapped him. "Hell will freeze over first." I went over to the table with my phone and grabbed the phone book. "Here," I tossed it at him. "Find a room and go away."

I left him standing in the middle of my living room with this shocked look on his face. Closing my bedroom door, I changed into my pjs and waited for him to leave.

I sat on my bed for a good half hour, listening to the sound of his voice as it drifted through my door. I couldn't hear what he was saying but it didn't sound good.

"Amber?" Reed knocked softly on my door. "Darling, I called every one in the book and there are no vacancies, something about a week long training conference for some oil field company?"

I buried my face in my pillow and screamed, I knew he was telling the truth, Chris had mentioned something about having a harder week because of it when I spoke to him Saturday. "Amber?"

I left my room and went to the hall closet where I grabbed a pillow and blankets. Marching into the living room, I tore the cushions off the couch and threw them on the floor. I didn't say a word to him as I made up the pull out for him and he didn't even venture to say anything.

"Good night," I hissed when I turned to walk back into my room.

Reed grabbed me by the arm and spun me around to face him. "You can do better than that," he whispered before he kissed me. And like a damn fool who doesn't learn, I kissed him back.

No, he didn't spend the night in my bed.

I spent the night on the couch with him.

Picture Perfect

Pictures yesterday were a complete nightmare!

On our way to the studio Alexis somehow managed to poop out of her diaper. When I unwrapped her from the blanket, all I could smell was baby poop and it wasn't the not so bad smelling stuff either! I know, no one wants to hear about that. I will admit, I was upset. I had her in this beautiful dress, she looked so adorable, even prettier than the model babies some companies use to sell their wares. I know I'm bias but I'm her mom so I'm entitled to play favourites.

Luckily for me, there was a department store right next door to the studio and the photographer was nice enough to give me the time I needed to go over there and get Alexis something else to wear. His only request was that I cleaned her up over there too! I guess he's not one who can tolerate baby poo.

I couldn't find a dress as beautiful as the one I had picked out for her but I did find one that was maybe even better. The one I had her in made her look like a princess, the new one I bought made her look like the baby next door but yet it seemed so much more natural for her. Does that sound strange?

So I got her all cleaned up and we finally got to get down to business. The photographer flipped through some backgrounds until he found one that made it look like she was sitting in the middle of a forest with the sun streaming through some of the trees, he handed her a flower to hold onto and walked back to the camera. "And mom let's see some smiles."

Try as I might, I couldn't get her to even give me a grin. I talked silly to her, I played with her dolly and even tried peek-a-boo which always made her laugh before but she wasn't buying it. There were no smiles in the future it looked like. In fact she looked like she was going to cry.

Larry, the photographer tried some of his tricks to make her smile but he too failed. He suggested that I either reschedule or he could take some pictures with her looking serious. Neither option sounded good to me, so I asked him to give me a few minutes with her. Reluctantly he agreed and went to get something to drink and to talk to his next customers, a father and mother with their three children.

"Alexis we really need to see some smiles. Don't you want to look pretty on your photos?" She looked at me and then past me at the family waiting. Lifting her hand she pointed, "Daaaa'. Dropping her hand she looked at the dolly that I held in my hands and tried to grab it.

"You want the dolly? Will you smile with the dolly?" I gave her the dolly to see if she would, she wouldn't. She tossed the dolly on the floor and looked over at the family again. "Daaaaa."

I sighed, "Alexis your daddy isn't here."

"How are we doing? Are we going to get any smiles? Or reschedule?" Larry was starting to get a little impatient with us I could tell.

"We are going to have some smiles," I told him, even if I have to tape them on her face. "Alexis listen to me honey. If you smile for mommy and the nice man with the camera, when we go home we'll call daddy ok?" I groaned inside as I spoke those words, I didn't want to think about calling Reed but if it makes her smile then I'm not above telling her we will.

I stepped back behind the photographer and crossed my fingers. Larry set the shot up again and went back to his camera and I'll be damned, she smiled!

We quickly did a couple more poses and then we were done. Larry sent us over to his wife to talk about what packages I wanted and to pay for the sitting. In the end I decided on two different poses, one she was sitting in front of a waterfall background with one hand raised and the other one at her waist and her legs were out in front of her. The second one she was sitting in front of what looked like a wall with flowers and ivy growing all around; she had wings on, one hand was resting against her cheek and the other one was open on her leg with one leg bent under her and the other one was bent out in front of her. And the most important thing, she had a big smile on her face in both pictures.

As we walked home, I felt like skipping because it turned out so well. I was also hoping that she didn't remember that I said we'd call Reed. But she remembered. Once I got in the apartment and put her on the floor, she crawled over to where the phone was and sat up waiting for me. Sometimes I wonder if she's smarter than she should be for her age, or if I don't know what I'm doing and assume that she knows.

Picking her up, I grab the phone and head for the couch. I sat there with her in my arms for a good ten minutes, I didn't want to call him but I also didn't want Alexis to think her mother was a liar. I know it is a bigger deal to me than it is to her but you never know, kids remember the strangest things sometimes.

"Do we really want to call daddy?" I asked her. She looked up at me with her fingers almost in her mouth, "Daaaaa."

Raising a brow I wondered if she just said it because I said 'daddy'. Either way, I told her we would call him. Taking a deep breath I dialed his number, only to remember that he told me they changed when he left me the messages after I got back from my parents anniversary. Scrolling through the caller ID on my phone I came to his name and stopped. Well actually I froze as I stared at 'Johnson, Reed'.

"Here goes nothing," I told Alexis as she tried to grab the phone as I dialed his number. "It's ringing." She sat back and looked up at me like she was wondering what I was talking about.

"Hello Johnson Residence." A British sounding male voice came over the phone. I didn't recognize the voice, not that I would.

"Can I speak to Reed please?"

"I'm sorry Mister Johnson is not available at the moment, would you like to leave a message for him?"

"Umm, sure. Could you just tell him that Amber called? There's nothing -"

"Did you say Amber? As in Miss AmberLynn Sands?"

"Yes," I said hesitantly. "That's my name."

"Miss Sands, Mister Johnson has asked that you be given his mobile number if you were to call."

"He was expecting my call?"

The guy gave a little chuckle, "I don't think he was Miss, he told me when he hired me, over six months ago." He gave me Reed's cell number and then hung up.

I didn't know what to think of what the guy said, it was very strange that Reed would ever think I would call him. Well, I guess it's not so strange, I am calling him.

"Daaaaaa," I looked down at Alexis. "Yes, ok. I'm calling him." I dialed his cell and hoped that voice mail would pick up.

"Hello?" There was so much noise in the background that I almost didn't hear him.

"Hello Reed," I didn't know what to say to him after that.

"Amber?" He sounded as shocked as I thought he would be to hear from me.

"Yes."

"Hold on, I'm just in the middle of lunch." He must have moved the phone from his ear and attempted to cover it because the noise was muted for a moment. But I did hear him say, "It's Amber' and 'no, I haven't spoke to her since your anniversary party'. Which was a lie, technically since he did catch me off guard the other night. "Ok, that's better." His voice came through the phone loud and clear.

"Who were you having lunch with?"

"Our fathers. But that's not important, darling why are you calling? Is something wrong? Are you ok? Is Alexis ok?"

"We are fine Reed." I pulled the phone out of Alexis reach, "Listen I really don't want to talk to you, that's not why I called."

I could hear his sigh, "Why did you call me Berrylynn? If you didn't want to talk to me, why get my hopes up?"

"Alexis wanted to say something to you," I put the phone up to Alexis, "Come on Alexis tell him."

"Amber this is crazy, Alexis can't talk." Reed's impatient voice came over the phone.

"Reed, just talk to her." I listened to see if he would.

He took a deep breath, "Hey princess. How are you doing? Are you and mommy having fun? What did -"

"Reed! You have to give her a chance to say something."

"Amber she isn't saying anything. Look, I would love to get here and spend all day talking to her, but darling I am in the middle of a business lunch. I have to get back."

"Wait!" I jumped off the couch with Alexis in my arms, "Reed if you blow us off right now..."

"Amber don't threaten me. How about I come to visit this week? I have to pass through there on my way to a conference. I could leave a couple days early and spend some time with Alexis and you before the conference. What do you say?"

"Reed, just be quiet. Come on Alexis talk to daddy." I sat in the rocking chair in her room and held the picture of Reed and me up so she could see it. She looked at the picture, then me and finally the phone that I was holding to her ear.

"Daaaaa," she said as she grabbed for the picture.

I listened for a reaction from Reed but the line was silent. "Reed? Are you there?"

"Did she...?" He was in shock, "Was that...?"

I chuckled, "She has been saying that since we came back from the party."

"Wow," he chuckled, "I can't believe...can she say it again?"

I held the phone out to Alexis, "Can you say it again for daddy?"

She pressed her hand against her mouth and I wasn't certain she was going to say it but she did, just a little more shyly this time. "Daaa."

"I can't believe it!" He sounded so happy, "Amber I want to see her. Can I visit on my way to the conference?"

"Reed, I don't know."

"Please Amber? I'll do anything you ask if you say yes."

I didn't want to give in, I didn't want him anywhere near me but as I watched Alexis staring at the picture of her 'daaaa', I found I couldn't say no.

Dashing Through The Snow

I didn't wait for him to wake up after all, instead I went back into my room and climbed into bed again. I laid on my side with my hands under my head for the longest time just watching Alexis and Chris sleep. I wasn't sure how Alexis ended up in bed with me or even how Chris got back in my apartment but I was really curious to find out. I wanted to wake him but I was afraid if I woke him, I'd wake Alexis who was snuggled up against his side. She looked so adorable with her blanket and her dolly and her little hand resting on Chris' forearm.

I took this moment to look at him, I mean really look at him. I don't think I've looked at him long enough in the few times that we've spent time together because he seemed to remind me of someone but I couldn't figure out who, it wasn't until later when he woke up and I mentioned this to him that he told me people said he reminded them of Paul Walker. Which I guess is a good thing if you are a fan of his, personally I didn't even know who he was talking about until he mentioned the Fast and the Furious.

But that's not what I wanted to talk about. I was watching him sleep and wondering how he got back in and how I didn't hear him come in. I tried to remember if I locked the door after he left earlier or if I just asked him to lock the doorknob on his way out but I couldn't remember.

"That's a pretty serious face," my eyes jumped to his face. "Everything ok?"

I nodded, "I was just trying to figure out how you got back in."

He laughed, "I turned the doorknob and walked in like I said I would." I shot him a confused look, "Amber I told you I'd be back after I put my clothes in the wash. I just didn't think you two would fall asleep while I was gone."

I told him I didn't remember him saying that but it did really matter anyway, he was there and I didn't have a problem with that. I didn't tell him that last little bit though, I didn't want him to think I was crazy or something. But I did ask him about Alexis and how I ended up in bed.

"Well," he grinned. "You looked so cute asleep on the couch, I didn't want to wake you. But then your phone started to ring, you stirred but you didn't wake up." He paused, "I didn't want it to wake you or Alexis, so I answered it."

"You answered my phone?" Ok, it may not be a big deal for some, but I don't think that you go to some one's house and answer their phone. I don't do it when I go to my parents house and I don't expect them to do it here. Not that they visit but you know what I mean.

He frowned, "Yes I did. I didn't think it would be an issue but I guess I was wrong."

"Who was it?" I asked as 'please don't say Reed' chorused through my mind.

Chris shrugged, "Some lady named Lucinda. She said she'd call back later." I closed my eyes, F***! "I take it that's not a good thing?" He looked like he was afraid I was going to yell at him or something. "Who is she?"

"Reed's mother," I sighed. "Alexis' Grandmother."

Chris closed his eyes and buried his face in the pillow. "Amber I'm sorry," he said into the pillow.

I told him it was too late now and then asked him how she sounded. He told me she seemed ok, she didn't give any sign that there was anything wrong. And that's what worried me the most. If she would've freaked or started to ask him questions about himself, I wouldn't be so worried. But Lucinda Johnson is never one to take things in stride, I knew I was in for a barrage of phone calls from my mother and maybe even Reed.

Chris and I continued talking about random things until little miss snugglebug started to wiggle around. When she lifted her head off the bed and saw Chris she made a little whining noise, he told her everything was ok that I was just behind her. Alexis turned her head my way, rubbed her eyes with her fist and then looked at me with the biggest grin on her face.

I had promised her before we fell asleep that we would go outside and test out her new ride when we woke up. So after we changed her diaper, we all suited up and went out in the courtyard to play with her sled. I don't know if I am over protective or what, but by the time we had Alexis bundled up in the sled and ready to go, all you could see of her was her two little eyes, everything else was hidden under a blanket.

Chris and I took turns pulling Alexis around the courtyard for a while, she seemed to like it better when he was pulling her because he could go faster in the snow than I could, I would keep getting stuck. There was one point where I was leaning against Chris with one foot in the air as he tried to fish my boot out of a deep snow drift, he moved too far to one side without warning me and I ended up face first in the snow. They both got a good chuckle out of that.

It was nice to spend time with him like that. It was nice to spend time with anyone I guess. As we made our way back to my apartment after we were played out, I found myself wondering if Reed would ever let loose enough to play in the snow with Alexis. I wondered if he would be like our fathers and never have time for Alexis or if he would be there for her. I wondered if Alexis would ever be 'daddy's little girl' or if daddy would just be an ATM to her. And as I was wondering all this I started to wonder why I'm wondering about Reed at all.

And surprisingly enough, I never heard anything from anyone yet. Which makes me a little nervous, there is no way that Lucinda didn't tell anyone that a guy answered my phone. So where was the freaked out calls from my mother? And where were the accusing calls from Reed? There's no way that either one of them wouldn't care, is there?

I guess I'll have to wait and see.

It's time for me to take Alexis for her pictures, I was going to get them done at six months but the photographer was booked solid. Today was the earliest I could get in.

Things are kinda back to Alexis and me for now, Chris is working 10 and 4, which means he works 10 straight before getting 4 days off. It kind of sucks, I was looking forward to seeing him. Although, he did say he might pop in for a minute or two after work some days, 'just so you don't forget me'.