There Are Strange Things Done

So I didn't call Reed back yesterday. Although not because I actually talked myself out of it or anything. After I posted here I plugged my phone back in and laid on the couch with the phone on my chest, I debated calling him - even if it was just to disturb him for calling me so late/early. But I ended up falling asleep right on the couch. The couch is where I spent most of yesterday and it's where I found myself sleeping again last night.

I woke up to Alexis crying at 7 this morning. I barely managed to roll off the couch, in fact I stayed there for about five minutes listening to her cry, hoping that she'd cry herself back to sleep. And as every moment passed, I feel like the worst mother in the world. Maybe if she couldn't see me laying on the couch she would've stopped crying but she saw me so I knew I had no choice but to get up.

We ate breakfast, played on the floor, got a bath and played some more. At one point I was sitting on the couch with her, tempted to turn on the TV and see if that would amuse her long enough for me to get a nap in. But again, I started to feel like the worst mom in the world for even thinking about something like that. Now don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with kids watching TV but I can't bring myself to sit her in front of it and leave her there...what would I do if she just watched TV all the time? She's my only source of entertainment, she's the only person I can talk too and the only one who wants to hang out with me. Is that sad?

I sat there with her as she played with a infant book, well she was chewing on it more than playing with it. But as I watched her I couldn't help but wish that there was someone else who could watch her, that for once I could do something with out her and not feel bad for thinking it.

It was thinking like that that made me want to call Reed again, to tell him it's time he stepped up and looked after his daughter for a couple hours. But as I held the phone in my hand and watched Alexis I didn't know if I was truly ready to have him in her life, I didn't know if I could handle seeing him play with her and not be jealous of the time they spend together. Plus the fact that I didn't really want to ever see him again didn't help.

So I did what I normally do when I began to feel like I'm in over my head. I threw on some clothes and got both of us ready to go outside for a walk. Unfortunately I didn't remember until we were all bundled up and standing outside, that it snowed for the last two days, so actually trying to push a stroller anywhere was pointless. I never did get around to buying the sled that I kept saying I would get whenever it snowed.

Deeply disappointed and feeling a little more depressed, Alexis and I went stomping back up over the stairs. Ok, I stomped. I was so mad at myself for not getting the sled before this. When we got to our door, I put Alexis and the stroller down in order to unlock it and I think that's when she realized that we weren't going outside like I told her. She sat up with her gloved hands to her mouth looking at me like I betrayed her.

"I'm sorry. There's too much snow." I told her as I pushed the door open. After I shoved the stroller in the apartment, I went to pick her up and that's when she began to cry. I tried to calm her down but she kept pushing my hands away. For the first time in my life, my daughter was trying to get away from me. She rolled to her hands and knees and tried to make a break for the stairs, as if she was telling me she was going with or without me.

"Alexis!" I gasped, grabbing for her. "There's nothing I can do. I'm sorry!" I tried to hug her but she was swinging her arms and twisting in my hands. I wanted to cry, in fact I was so close to it, I could feel the tears building up. "Baby I'm sorry, mommy has no control over the weather," my voice broke as I said that.

"Looks like some one's not happy." A voice came from behind us. Alexis stopped crying, or at least she wasn't crying so loudly, and looked over my shoulder at Chris. "Hey little girl what's up with all the tears?" He raised his hand to her cheek and wiped some of them away.

"She wants to go outside for a walk but there's too much snow for the stroller." I told him without turning around. I didn't want him to see just how close I was to crying like Alexis was. "I didn't buy a sled like I was going to weeks ago. I don't know how I could've been so stupid to forget."

"Hey now," Chris slipped his arm around my waist as he came to stand beside me. "There's no need for that kind of talk. Why not go buy one now?"

I laughed, "I can't carry her to the store Chris!"

He sighed and shook his head, "Amber I meant, let me take you two to the store. We can pick up a sled and maybe get some lunch?" I glanced at him and saw his hopeful expression, how could I tell him 'no'?

Ten minutes later Alexis and I were safely strapped into Chris' truck and on our way to buy a sled. I don't know who was happier about it, Alexis or me. We spent an hour at the store, Chris kept meeting people that he knew, so that slowed us down a little. At first, Alexis and I just stood there waiting while he spoke to whoever stopped him but after the first few curious glances thrown our way and the uncomfortable introductions, I thought it would be best to go off on our own to pick up the stuff we needed.

We were in the toy section playing with all the noisy infant toys when Chris found us. "Why did you disappear?" I told him why and added that I thought it would be better if he didn't have to try to explain why we were with him. He gave me this funny look, "Are you ashamed to be seen with me?"

"No! It's not that at all. I was just uncomfortable ok? I don't like people looking at me as if my situation is something to be pitied. I love my daughter." I looked down at Alexis, who was sitting in the cart's child seat playing with the little doll we just picked out.

"Amber I know you love her, and I'm sorry you were uncomfortable. But I won't lie to you, I was a little hurt when you walked off like you didn't wish to know my friends."

What can I say? I felt like such a bitch when he said that, I apologized over and over again. Chris kept saying it was ok but I wasn't so sure. I started to wonder if he was thinking about being a permanent person in our lives and I didn't know how I felt about that.

We picked out a sled and headed for the check out line where we had to wait for what seemed like forever. Alexis was getting fussy strapped into the cart and she wanted out so I picked her up. Our turn came in line and I asked Chris to hold her, he took her without complaint and was whispering softly to her as the cashier rang through our things. He still held her as we stopped in front of the exit to bundle her back up.

After I finished with Alexis I continued on my way out the door, I was only a couple feet away when I heard Alexis' tiny squeal for me. I looked over my shoulder and saw that Chris wasn't following me, he was still stopped.

"What's wrong?" I asked as I got back to him. He didn't reply and his attention was focused elsewhere. Turning in the direction he was staring, I saw a small blond woman frozen in place at the entrance, staring back at him. I didn't know who she was, but I had a fairly good idea. I tried to get his attention but failed. It wasn't until I went to take Alexis from him that he showed any sign that he knew we were there. "I got her," he looked down at me and smiled. "Ready to go?"

I didn't say anything I just headed for the door again, watching him out of the corner of my eye. His held Alexis with one arm and reached out his other arm to me. "Sorry," he whispered to me. "I didn't expect to see her."

I told him it wasn't a problem and tried very hard not to ask questions. I also tried hard not to tell him I wasn't in the mood to go for lunch. Thankfully Chris suggested that we just grabbed some take out from somewhere and head home.

When we got back to the apartment, after he finished bringing all the bags upstairs, I thought he would excuse himself and go about his day but he asked to come in. We ate our lunch in silence, the only one who really made any noise was Alexis who kept babbling to herself. After lunch he excused himself to go put some laundry in the washer.

Alexis and I played for a little while longer and then she began to rub her eyes, so I put her in her crib and closed the door.

I still felt a little uneasy about how things were with Chris before he left, I didn't know if he was upset with me or if he was just lost in thoughts of who I assumed was his ex. I wanted to go across the hall and see if he was ok but I didn't recall hearing him come back up from putting his clothes in the washer so I assumed he went out.

I found myself starting to feel tired so I stretched out on the couch and fell asleep.

When I woke up a little while ago, I wasn't on the couch any more and I wasn't alone either.

I'm just waiting for him to wake up to find out why he's here.