I've Become So Numb

I don't know what I'm doing here, I thought it was a good idea last week but now I'm not so sure. Sure Alexis is happy to see her dad whenever he isn't working but am I happy here? I don't know. Everything seems to much more stressful here than it does in my apartment. Everyone expects me to act a certain way, dress a certain way and be something that I'm not sure I want to be anymore.

Just being here is making me think and I'm not liking what I'm thinking. Sometimes I feel that I should move back here, it would be so much easier for Alexis and Reed but I don't know if I want that. Being here makes me feel more and more like a failure. I see all the people I used to hang around with working, or going to school - making something of themselves and then I see me, not going anywhere, not having any plans but what I can do when Alexis is awake. I start to wonder when I became that person? When did I lose all sense of who I am?

Reed was unable to get yesterday off but his dad promised him he could take today. So with nothing else to do Alexis and I spent most of the day outside yesterday. We walked all over town, taking in the sites. And I believe that's when I realized that I'm a stranger to myself. I'm soon going to be 20 and I felt that my life was already over. I found myself looking at Alexis and wishing she wasn't there. Then I realized what I was thinking and I felt like the worst parent in the world. She didn't ask to be born, I scolded myself. If you were more careful, you wouldn't be in this situation and where would you be? I didn't know the answer to that question, all I knew is that I couldn't imagine not having my daughter in my life.

When I went to put her down to sleep that night, I held her extra long. I sat there rocking her, whispering to her how much I loved her and that I was glad she was my little girl. "I wouldn't change anything Snuggle bug. I would still sleep with your dad and you would still be born, just like you are now." I closed my eyes as I continued to rock her, this is the only thing that right in my life. I don't know how long I sat there rocking her before Reed came to see where I was.

"Hey," he whispered as he walked over to us. "Is everything ok Amber?"

I nodded, wiping the tears away. "Everything is good." When he asked me if I wanted him to put her in the crib, I shook my head. "No, I just want to hold her for a while longer. Could you give me some time?"

He seemed puzzled by this request but he said ok and soon left me alone with her again.

It was probably a good hour later that I finally wiggled my way out of the chair to place her gently in the crib. I stood there gazing down at her for a few minutes before I kissed my fingers and softly touched her cheek. "I love you," I whispered and then walked out of her room.

Her room! I still can't get over that. When I mentioned it to Reed, he seemed a little embarrassed, "I wanted to have something just in case you ever let me see her." He went on to explain that the room helped him stay focused when he was hitting all the dead ends when he was trying to find us. "I'd come in here, sit in that chair and tell myself that one day she will get to enjoy this room." I couldn't help but be touched that he thought about her like that; I can't even count the number of times I wondered if he did think about her.

That night when I left her room, I went to go into Reed's room but I found I couldn't. Something kept nagging at me, something in the back of my mind stopped me from going in there. I wish I could say for sure what it was but it felt like if I went in there, I would never escape. So instead I made my way down the hall to the room that he had shown me the first night I was here. I got undressed and slipped into bed.

I laid there and the events of the last couple days ran through my head. How did I go from being really happy to see him, to wanting to go back home? I tried to answer that question but I couldn't, there was no incident that caused it, there was no argument that occurred. The only bad thing about being here so far is the Devon situation which Reed has no control over, I thought as I rolled over onto my stomach. Why aren't I happy?

I heard Reed's footsteps as he climbed the stairs and made his way to his room. I heard the water running in his bathroom as he got ready for bed. I listened as he made his way to Alexis' bedroom and stopped short. I heard him call my name softly when he realized that I wasn't in there. I listened for his footsteps again, at first I thought I missed them but soon I heard them as they neared the room I was in. "Amber?" He knocked softly as he called out to me. "Darling are you in there?"

I wanted to answer him but I didn't know if I wanted him to come in. I didn't know what I wanted at that moment and that made me want to cry. "AmberLynn?" He called again.

A sob escaped my throat and the door flung open. His footsteps were quick on the floor as he crossed over to where I rested. "Darling?" He climbed up onto the bed with me and went to pull me into his arms but I wouldn't let him. "What's wrong? Please tell me." He was speaking to my back because I turned away from him. I didn't want him to see me cry. "How can I help if you won't let me?"

I thought if I didn't answer him, he would go away but he didn't. He sat there on the bed until I finally turned to him. I glanced up at him, he looked so tired yet so handsome. I wanted him so badly yet I couldn't stand the idea of being with him at the moment. I wanted to talk to him but every time I went to say something the words escaped me.

Finally he sighed, "I'm not sure what's going on with you but whatever it is, we'll work through it." He reached out and caressed my cheek. "Did you want to sleep here? Or were you coming to bed with me?"

I didn't know, I hesitated to say anything. Once again he sighed, "Ok I guess I'll see you in the morning." He slipped off the bed then leaned over to give me a kiss on the cheek. "Good night Berrylynn."

I bit my lip as I watched him walk out the door. I didn't want him to go. I knew that even if I didn't know anything else at that moment. Whipping back the blankets I jumped out of bed, not even noticing the coolness of the flooring under my bare feet. "Reed!" I called out to him. He stopped in his doorway.

Once he was facing me I picked up my speed, I was almost running towards him. I didn't have any plans on what I would say or do when I got to him so it surprised not only him but me when I leapt at him. But he managed to react quick enough that his arms closed around me when I collided with him; he only stumbled a little from the force of the impact.

We stood in each other's arms, gazing into each others eyes. "Amber..."

I held a finger over his lips, "Shhh." I didn't say another word as I slipped out of his arms and took his hand in mine. I led him to his bed and pulled back the sheets. I stepped back to let him slide in and over to his side but he didn't move.

Looking up at him, I gave him a questioning look. He just smiled, nodded towards the bed and when I looked back at it, he scooped me up in his arms and gently placed me on his side before crawling in next to me.

We didn't exchange any more words that night, we just held each other as we both drifted off to sleep.

I wasn't expecting him to still be in bed when I woke up, I didn't believe that his dad actually gave him a Monday off. But he was.

And now he's back from the little outing that he planned with Alexis, I have this feeling it has something to do with me because he wouldn't let me go. Or at least I'm hoping that's why he didn't want me to go.

I have to go now before he comes in here and sees what I'm writing. I'm not sure how he would feel about this.