A Long Time Ago When I Was Bitter

I just realized that yesterday's post was the 100th one since I started this blog way back in March. I can't believe it's been that long, so much as changed since my first post. I don't feel the bitterness that I did back then. I'm no longer angry at everyone who means everything to me and my life finally feels like it's going some place. So I guess you can say I'm well on my way to really really happy...yay!

Last night Reed came over to see Alexis and me, he seemed a little upset when he first got here so I asked him what was wrong. "I hated not being able to see you and our daughter yesterday." (Wednesday - when he couldn't come over because he had a meeting that took forever!)

I told him that it couldn't be helped, "You are here now, so that's all that matters to me." I gave him a hug and held him tight.

He told me that he was happy to be there now, but he hated not being able to see us every day. "I missed you," he whispered against my ear. "I got into bed last night and I just felt alone. I wanted you there beside me."

I knew how he felt because I felt the same way, I couldn't sleep for the longest time because I missed his presence in my bed. And after seeing Janie, I was starting to wonder if living here without him was the smart thing to do. I almost told him I was thinking that it was time for us to live together when he asked me what we did. I told him about running into Janie and her engagement.

"What?" He stared at me in shock. "Why on earth would she say yes? Does she even know him that well?"

I shrugged, "I guess she thinks she does."

"But you don't think so?"

I told him that I had my doubts, "She seemed so happy, I didn't want to ruin that but I think it's bound to fail because it's a rebound relationship."

Reed sighed, "I hope for her sake she knows what she's doing."

Soon he changed the subject and told me that this weekend he wanted to have some people over on Sunday for Canada Day. "I was thinking that we could have a little party like we did for my birthday."

I told him that would be a great idea, I was hoping that we would do something special for that day. We started to talk about the guest list and he told me he already told Devon that he was planning on having a party. "He told me that he wasn't sure if he could get away from Annette," Reed told me with a frown. "So I guess she'll be there spreading the joy." He smiled at me, "Who do you want to invite?"

"Well, I wanted to invite Janie and Cary but if Devon and Annette is going to be there..." I sighed.

He told me that nothing happened at his birthday party so we should go ahead and invite them. "Oh! And maybe if you want, you can invite Nadine and her husband, they seemed like really nice people."

When I gave him a funny look, he asked me what was wrong. "Ummm, you know that Chris is still at their place, Nadine might not want to leave him alone."

He was silent for a while, a long while I was expecting him to say to forget it but he surprised me. "I guess if he wants to come, he can." When my jaw dropped to the floor, Reed smiled down at me as his fingers brushed against my chin. "What does it say about me if I let him bug me when I know you love me and are happy in my arms?"

"Ok," I said slowly as I searched his face for some indication that he hadn't totally lost his mind. "Who are you and where is my Reed?"

Reed just laughed as he pulled me into his arms. "I love you my darling."

****

So I have today off work because of the holiday, I get a day off with pay on every stat. This morning I went to the day care to ask Nadine if she wanted to come over on Sunday and she jumped at the invite.

"Thank you!" She exclaimed when I asked her. "I thought I was going to have to spend another holiday sitting at home watching others having fun on TV!" She told me she would be there, "with or without Hal if he doesn't want to go out."

She was as surprised as I was when I told her that Reed said to extend the invitation to Chris as well. "Maybe he realizes that Chris isn't a threat to him when it comes to you."

I told her I hoped so and then went to get Alexis so that we could go and run the errands for the party...but Alexis didn't want to go with me! She tried to push me away when I went to pick her up! "Come on Alexis we have lots to do today."

Alexis turned back to her friends and pointed at them as if to say she wanted to play.

"Why not just leave her here?" Nadine offered when she saw Alexis didn't want to go. "Go do whatever you have to do, enjoy the day and I'll take care of Alexis for you."

I didn't want too but I ended up leaving Alexis at the day care. "Call me if there's a problem and I'll be right here to get her," I told Nadine as I walked to the door.

It felt nice to be out doing errands without Alexis, it certainly made everything go a lot faster not having to worry about her.

I stopped for lunch at one of the cafes along main street. I was seated about to bite into my sandwich when my cell rang. I thought it was Nadine, but it ended up being Janie.

"I'm going crazy!" She told me with an groan. "Cary's parents are insisting that we get married at their house by their minister and I want to get married here in the church that I grew up going too! What am I going to do?"

"I don't know Janie, do you tell his parents that you wanted to get married here?"

She told me yes, "But they seem to think that I'm being rude and saying that their place isn't good enough for me to get married. They think that I'm embarrassed that Cary doesn't come from money."

I rolled my eyes, "Well we both know that's not true. What does Cary say about it? Where does he want to get married?" She told me that he said that he wanted her to be happy. "What does that mean?" I asked. "Does that mean he wants to get married here or that he just doesn't want to get involved?"

"I don't know!" Janie cried. "Amber what am I going to do? His parents are already spoke to their minister and they said he was excited about marrying Cary and me."

I shook my head, "Janie you have to figure out how to make your dream wedding happen while trying to satisfy Cary's parents. You don't want them to think you don't care about where Cary came from."

"Amber, that doesn't help!"

"Janie, I can't tell you want to do! You said you'd married Cary, you have to figure out how much you are willing to do to make that happen."

She was quite for a while. "What would you do if it was you? Would you give into Reed's parents?"

I laughed, "No! But the situation is different Janie! Reed's parents already don't like me and nothing I can do will change that. But when Reed and I do get married, I can tell you now, it won't be in a church."

"Where would you get married then?" I smiled and told her how I would become Mrs Reed Johnson. When I finished Janie sighed, "That's so romantic Amber! And Reed would go along with it because he loves you so much! You are so lucky!"

I told her that Cary would do the same thing once she decides what she wants to do. "Just don't shoot his parents ideas down," I told her. "Give in on some things if you have too but stick to the things that matter the most to you."

Janie thanked me and said she had to run. I dropped my cell onto the table and grabbed my sandwich, I was so hungry. I sunk my teeth into the meat on my sandwich, closed my eyes and chewed contently, the sandwich was so yummy. When I finished the piece in my mouth, I opened my eyes to reach for my drink.

I almost knocked my glass over as I saw Devon sitting across from me, looking like he just lost his best friend.

"Tell me I didn't overhear you correctly." He leaned across the table, grabbing my free hand in his. "Please tell me that you know another Janie who is dating a guy named Cary."

"Devon, I -"

"Please Amber!" His hand tightened on mine.

"I'm sorry Devon," I put my sandwich back on it's wrapper. "Cary asked Janie to marry him and she said 'yes'."

Devon dropped my hand to the table and leaned back in the chair. He avoided looking at me for the longest time. I wished that there was something I could say to make this better for him but I couldn't think of anything. "I'm sorry Devon," I repeated softly.

He glanced at me for a brief moment before getting to his feet. "I didn't deserve her anyway," he stated.

I felt a crushing sadness as I watched him walk away, I never seen him look so defeated as I did when he made that last statement. I wanted to run after him and tell him that if he went to Janie, told her how he really felt and why he didn't think he was worthy of her, she would change her mind about Cary.

But I didn't. He had hurt her so badly and even though I believed she still loved him, I didn't know if she would believe he loved her.

God, I want to cry so badly right now.

No, I want to go see Reed and make sure he knows how much he means to me.