If You Think I Won't Go - Watch Me

"I think you should move in with me."

I damn near laughed in his face when he said that. "You have got to be kidding me!" There was no way in hell he was actually saying this to me, no way.

"No, I'm very serious," he stabbed at his steak with such force, I thought it was going to fly off the plate and land on some poor unfortunate soul who was seated around us in the resturant. "Why do you have to shoot down everything I suggest? Why can't you just say 'yes Devon, I would love to move in with you. Is this Friday early enough for you?'"

He was pouting now, I hated it when he pouted, it wasn't him and it always made me feel like he was up to something. "Devon," I said his name slowly because I wasn't sure how to say what I was thinking with out pissing him off. If I hated it when he pouted, I hated pissing him off even more, he was so unpredictable when he was upset.

"Why don't you want to move in with me?" He demanded before I could even say what I wanted. "It's not like your life at home is all that great with your mother drunk all the time."

"Leave my mother out of this!" I snapped at him. "You know that she's been having a hard time since my father left her! Why do you have to be such a jerk?"

"Excuse me for wanting to move ahead in our relationship, silly me thinking that you would actually want to move ahead."

This time I couldn't hold back the laughter. "You have got to be kidding me!" I stared at him. "Move ahead? Devon all we do is fight. I don't even remember the last time we spent the night together without it turning into a fight." I shook my head, "I don't want to be like my parents Devon, I don't want to end up hating you, resenting you like my mom does my dad."

"I'm not your father Janie."

"No?" My gaze met his. "You have never been a one woman man Devon, just my like my dad. I won't be my mom, I'm tired of not being the most important woman in your life."

"Janie come on! You know that I -"

"No," I shook my head. "I don't know anything Devon." Before I cried like a baby in front of him, I stood up. "You say lots of stuff Devon but your words and your actions never say the same thing." Reaching for my purse, I told him that I need more than words and in a moment of desperation, I quoted a song that I've been listening too a lot lately, an older one. "I don't need a man I can live with, I need a man I can't live without. Right now Devon, you haven't given me any reason to believe that man is you."

It took all my strenght to walk away from him last night.

I wish I could say he came after me but he didn't.

I don't really know what's going to happen with him, I don't know if I mean enough to him for him to be the man I know he can be. I just know that right now, I'm missing him more than I thought I would.

Am I crazy? Is there a chance that Devon is really the man for me? Or am I holding onto the hope that he is?

Amber is worried about me; she called me last night to see how I was doing. She may deny that Devon was behind her call but I like to think that he was, that he did care about me that much, at least.

I'm supposed to go by her work later today, she suggested that we hang out.