In My Head

I've been left alone with my thoughts since I went out with Amber the other night. I promised her that I would try talking to Devon about how I am feeling and what I want from him that I feel I'm not getting.

I don't know, maybe I'm being all depressing and down but I don't think it's going to make a lick of difference if I tell Devon what I want, he has always done what he wanted to do, no matter what.

What good will talking do? He won't change, he won't do anything to change anything. It's pointless.

I told Amber that but she doesn't believe me, she thinks that Devon really cares for me but doesn't really know how to show me, so he does what he always did because, let's face it, I put up with it before.

"If you spell it out for him and nothing changes, then you can say you gave it your best shot," she told me before we left DW's the other night. "You don't want to walk away from him Janie and always wonder if there was something you could've said or do that would've changed it; no 'what if's Janie, you don't need them."

Ok, so that last part go to me, it got me thinking that maybe she was right. What harm would it do to spell things out for Devon? I don't want to walk away wondering if I made a mistake.

So with that said, I've been thinking, really thinking about what I want - what it is that he's not doing that I want him to do - but the only thing I can think of is, I want him to put me first some time; I don't want to be second to his ex and her baby.

-sigh-

I guess I should think about this a little more before I see him later today.