Why Do Answers Lead To More Questions?

Yesterday before he left, Reed decided that he was going to shovel the snow off my balcony. He told me that he figured with the snow melting like it was, it would be a good idea. I just nodded, things were a little weird between us (more than normal) and I think it had something to do with Chris. I'm not 100% sure but if I was a gambling woman, I'd bet on that being the reason.

While he was shovelling Alexis and I were watching 'Happy Feet', or she was watching it when she wasn't trying to see what her daddy was doing. Me, I wasn't really into it. I couldn't help but think about all the unanswered questions that remained. Ok, so Reed tried to call me, see me and emailed me, none of which I actually knew about. But what I didn't understand is why he didn't try to find me, he has access to a lot of money and he could've easily found out where I lived. And that wasn't the only thing, why now? Why had he volunteered to come get me? Why is he really here? With all those thoughts running through my head, one that seemed to be the loudest was, why did he leave me alone at the hotel? Waking up and finding him gone was probably the worst moment of my life, well after the whole denying Alexis was his.

Alexis had wiggled down and now was laying with her head on my lap, sucking her thumb while she tried to fight the sleep that was closing in on her. I sat there gently stroking her hair, thinking how lucky I was that she was in my life and how I wouldn't have it any other way. When she started to do the head bobs - were she would sort of fall asleep and catch herself making her jump - I knew I should go get Reed so he could give her a kiss like he always does.

As I approached the door, I noticed he was leaning over the balcony, kind of staring off into space as he played with something in his hand. I shouldn't see what it was and it wasn't until he did the tell tale hand cup motion that I knew what he was doing - he was smoking! I yanked on the balcony door and it flew opened. Reed jumped, turning towards me as he tried to hide the cigarette but he knew I seen it by the look I gave him. "Please don't look at me like that BerryLynn."

"When did you start?"

"About a year and a half ago," he turned away from me. "I've been trying to quit." I made a noise which told him I didn't believe him. Reed glanced over his shoulder at me, "Believe me or not Amber, I have been trying."

I went to say something but I felt Alexis' hand on my leg. I looked down and she was trying to figure out a way to get out where her daddy was. "No honey you can't go out there. Daddy needs time to kill himself before he comes to give you kisses." I didn't bother to say anything else to Reed, I picked Alexis up, closed the door again and walked into her room.

It wasn't long after I heard the door slide open and then heard the water running in the bathroom. "Oh you are very sleepy aren't you honey?" I gently bounced Alexis in my arms as she rubbed her eyes. "Mommy is gonna put you down and you can go sleepy ok?"

I kissed her forehead and out of the corner of my eye I saw Reed standing in the door way watching us. "Does Daddy want to give kisses before we put you down?"

Reed joined us by her crib, with his hand resting on my back, he leaned down and gave Alexis kisses on the forehead and both cheeks, "Sleep tight princess." With him so close I could smell the faint stench of cigarette smoke and thought it was strange I didn't smell it before, was he really trying to quit? I put Alexis in her crib and then followed Reed out of her room.

Once in the living room, he sat on the couch, grabbed the remote and started to flip through the channels. I headed for the balcony door, I made sure it was locked and then I pulled the blinds back into place before I went over to the couch and grabbed the remote from Reed's hand. "We need to talk," I told him when he looked up at me.

He sat up straight on the couch, "What's on your mind? Is it about the smoking? I swear I'm trying to quit Amber, that was the first one...well, the second one since I was here."

I shook my head and sat down next to him, facing him. "No it's not about the smoking, although I don't want you smoking around Alexis." He didn't argue with me. "Reed I want to know why you are here."

"Because I wanted to spend time with Alexis and you," he replied instantly.

"No, why are you here now? Why not a year ago? Six months ago?"

Reed turned to face me, completely turned his body towards mine. "Amber I honestly thought that you were getting my emails and were still so mad at me. I wanted you to come to me, I wanted you to want to talk to me. But you never even tried. First I thought you were just punishing me but after a while I figured that you just didn't think I was worth your time. I tried to get your father to tell me where you were but he told me that if you wanted me to know you would tell me."

"You know I'm not buying that Reed. You could've hired someone to find me if you really wanted to know where we were."

He nodded, "I could've but would you have wanted to have me here then?"

"Just about as much as I want you here now."

"No Amber, you wouldn't have let me within 50 feet of Alexis before the last month or so."

"Whatever you have to tell yourself to feel better Reed," I went to get up but he stopped me.

"Amber, I was drunk. For the past year and a half I was drunk every single day. Not falling down drunk but bad enough that my father kicked me out of the house and threatened to fire me and cut me off financially." He took his hand from my arm, "I didn't even want to know me at that time, there was no way I was going to let you or our daughter see me like that."

I stared at him for a while, not saying a word. Did I believe him? I don't know but it was something that could be easily confirmed. "If that is true, how do I know you won't go back to that? Reed, why should I let you around Alexis now?"

Reed sat back against the couch and sighed, "Maybe you shouldn't Amber. I don't know if I can be the perfect dad to that little girl in there but I know that I love her and I want to be in her life. It's up to you Amber, I'm here and I don't want to go anywhere but if you don't want me in her life, then I'll have to figure out how to live with that."

I groaned, "That's not what I want Reed. I want you to be in her life and she loves having you around. But Reed, being in her life doesn't mean that you will automatically be in mine."

Reed's head turned towards me so fast that I thought he would tear a muscle or something. "Is this about that guy?"

"Chris?" He nodded and I shook my head. "No Reed, it's about me not being able to trust you enough to let you in."

He laughed, "No? Then what was the other night about? And that night in the hotel? I didn't force you Amber, you wanted me as much as I wanted you."

"And you left me lying there feeling like a complete fool." I grabbed his arm, "Where did you go that morning? What was so important that you had to rush off without so much as a 'goodbye'?"

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you."

"Try me."

He shook his head, "No I don't think so. I didn't want to leave you that morning Amber but I had too."

"Tell me why."

"Call your father and ask him where I was that morning," Reed said as he reached across and grabbed the remote.