Planting A Seed Of Self Doubt

Last night Reed had a dinner meeting with a client so Alexis and I were left on our own to do whatever we like.

It's been raining like crazy around here for a couple days we were feeling a little boxed in. Yesterday it was a wonderfully beautiful day so I asked her if she wanted to go out for a walk. You should've seen the look on her face! I swear if she could speak she would've said, 'mommy that's the best idea ever!'

Ok, maybe she wouldn't have said that but I like to think that she would.

We got ready to go out and Alexis was just babbling away to herself, every now and then I would hear her say 'dada' and 'poppoppop'. I wish I knew what she was saying...

Just after we got out onto the street my cell phone rang. It was Janie. FINALLY!

"Where the hell have you been?" I asked. "I've been worried sick about you!!"

"You sound like my mother!" She laughed, "Expect you aren't slurring your words!"

"Well of course I do!" I snapped, ignoring the last part about her mother. "You tell me you are going out to a street play and I don't hear from you for days? No one knew where you were! Don't flipping do that ever again!"

"What are you doing just now?" She asked me, totally blowing my concern away. I told her I was pushing Alexis in her stroller down main street. "Ok don't go anywhere!" She giggled, "I'll be there shortly!"

"You don't even know where on main street!" I said but it was too late she had already hung up the phone.

Ten minutes later, I heard someone yelling so I turned to see what was going on. A block away on the other side of the street I saw Janie half running/skipping with Cary in tow behind her. She was waving with her free hand and calling out my hand.

"Amber!" She called out as she pulled Cary out into traffic almost getting the poor guy hit my a car. "Oh screw you too!" She yelled at the driver who honked the horn and screamed out the window at her.

"Amber!" She exclaimed when she finally got to where I was standing, totally embarrassed as everyone on the street watched us. "Oh Amber!" Janie threw her arms around me and hugged me while jumping up and down. "I can't believe it!"

"Janie," I gave a nervous chuckle as I tried to stop her long enough to find out what the hell she was on. "What's going on?" I asked when she finally let me go.

She shrugged and raised her hand to her face, resting it against her cheek. "I don't know," she told me with the biggest smile I've ever seen on her face.

"Well Janie if you don't...." my voice trailed off. "OHMYGOD!" I grabbed her hand from her face and stared at it. "Is this...?" I glanced back and forth between Janie and Cary.

"Yes!" Janie squealed.

I stared in shock at the ring on her finger...I wanted to ask if they were crazy, they didn't know each other all that long but instead I found myself looking up at them again asking, "How did this happen?"

"Well..." Janie grinned, giving Cary a lovestruck look before turning back to me. "It happened at the play." She looked at him again.

And so did I. "Ok," I planted my hand on my hip. "You are going to have to leave so I can get all the details," I told him jokingly.

Thankfully he laughed and excused himself saying he had some things he had to pick up. Once he was gone I turned expectantly to Janie. "Well?"

"Well..." she smiled. "It happened at the play, which blew but we had fun anyway." She went on to tell me that they walked back to Cary's place after the play. "It was so nice Amber, he had his arm around me the entire time and he kept giving me little kisses when I least expected them. I never felt so special before." She told me that when they got back to his place, they grabbed a couple drinks and headed out to sit on his balcony. "He was sitting on a lounge chair and I was sitting across from him, he told me to come over, so I did. After we had been sitting together for a while, he started to tell me how beautiful and special I am and how lucky he felt to have me in his life. I didn't think much of it, he always says that but then he told me he wanted to ask me something and...well," she held up her hand. "I said yes!"

I couldn't believe it. I wanted to say congratulations but I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that they were engaged after knowing each other for a very short time. It's only been...holy crap! It's been a month now, I didn't think it's been that long. But still, it's not really that long.

"Amber?" Janie was frowning as she looked at me. "You aren't happy?"

"No it's not that," I told her. Sighing, I told her that I was concerned because it was so new still. "I just don't want you to rush into anything."

She told me that she wasn't rushing, she loved Cary and they were getting married. "And I want you to be my maid of honor!"

I couldn't say no to her.

Soon Cary came back and they both left.

I don't know. I'm happy for her but I'm not...does that make sense? I don't want anything to ruin the happiness she feels right now but I'm worried that she is rushing it.

Is a month long enough to know if someone is right for you?

And if that's the case, what does that say about me and Reed? We've known each other for two years and we aren't walking down the aisle...

With Reed's best friend and my best friend getting married, I'm starting to wonder if I'm doing something wrong. I have a guy who means the world to me, who rocks my world and makes me feel like I'm his whole world - I know, a lot of worlds in that - yet we haven't managed to come together to the point of marriage.

I guess that's not true, if it was up to Reed we would be married.

So if there's nothing wrong with him...

...is there something wrong with me?

Or am I just freaking because I'm crazy?