Drinks, That's All It Is

My night out with Cary couldn't have gotten off to worse start! Devon snooping in my night stand drawer to find my day timer to see where I was going? I was so pissed off! He didn't even respect me enough to give me some privacy! I wanted to go after him and find out what his problem was but if I did that we would probably fight and I wasn't in the mood to fight with him anymore. I hated fighting! I had to listen to my parents fight for years, it wasn't my idea of a good time!!

I headed off to DW's not longer after Devon left, I was determined to have a good time despite him.

Cary was already at a table when I got there and he was facing the front door so he saw me come in. And I saw the flash of desire in his eyes as I came to stand in front of him when he stood to pull out my chair for me.

Yes, it did make me feel good!! Doesn't every woman want to know that they are looking great when they go out? It doesn't mean that I want to jump him or anything!! I swear!

No, I don't care how many Abercrombie and Fitch ads he seemed to belong too in his khaki cargo shorts and gray with white strip shirt - both showing off his tanned, muscular arms and legs - nor did I care that he was wearing the cologne that I picked out for him just after he asked me to marry him.

No, I didn't want to jump him...

...although, I did think about it.

"Hello Janie," he gave me a one armed hug before motioning to my outfit. "You look amazing tonight."

"Thank you," I blushed as I sat down in the chair he held out for me. "You look good too."

He thanked me and took his seat again. "I took the liberty of ordering us a couple drinks; I got you the blue drink that you like so much."

It didn't surprise me that he would order our drinks, it was something he always did when we were together and I really liked it. Not because he was taking control or anything because the drinks were the only thing he ever ordered for me. No, I liked that he was that thoughtful, I liked that he had the foresight to plan ahead.

Some thing that Devon failed to do on many occasions. I mean, how hard is it to plan what we'll be doing if you asked me out? And plans to sit at home and make out aren't what I'm talking about either!!

Our drinks came shortly after I arrived. "Good timing," I said when the waitress had left.

"Well," he smiled at me. "I did ask for them to come just after you were seated."

There was something about his smile that just pulled me in. Maybe it was the dimples, maybe it was the fact that it was always lopsided or maybe, just maybe it was the way his whole face lit up. Whatever it was, his smile was dangerous and so was the fact that once he smiled, I started to remember the good times with him.

I grabbed my glass and took a drink.

"Hey, hey!" Cary reached for my glass. "Go easy on that hun," he said in his slow, sexy drawl. "You know how quickly that stuff goes to your head." I return the glass to it's drink coaster. "That's better. Now, how are things with you? How is work?"

I work as a receptionist, I find it enjoyable but it's not really that exciting to talk about but since Cary knew most of the people I work with, it was nice to talk to someone about the issues I was having with some of the staff. Cary hung on every word as if I were telling him the meaning of life. That kind of attention can make a girl's head spin!!

"What about you?" I asked when I finally finished talking about work. "The last time we spoke, you were applying for school, did you get into that cooking program?"

"At Sait?" He shook his sadly. "I missed the deadline for this year but I have applied for next winter." I told him I was sorry to hear that but he didn't seem too upset. "No worries, I've already applied for next Winter, hopefully I get in. It's a high demand program, so we'll see. In the meantime, I'll continue to work at the restaurant." He took a drink from his mug of beer. "Oh! Did I tell you that Manny quit?" I shook my head. "Well he did, last week, Terry told me if I wanted some extra kitchen shifts they were mine! I'm stoked!"

"Wow, that's great for you!"

"Yeah, I couldn't believe my luck! To be in the same kitchen as Paulette? To watch her work? It's like dream come true!"

"Will she teach you some of her tricks? Is she ok with you being in there?" From what I remember of Paulette, she was very bitching when she wanted to be. And look out if you sent back anything because it wasn't cooked the way you wanted it.

"I'm on her good side," he grinned. "We got to talking one night after we closed, I told her about my goal and she seemed willing to help me pick up a think or two. It'll be great."

We talked more about his career choice and the subject soon changed to whether or not we would order some food to go with our drinks. "It's not Paulette's cooking by no means," he joked as he picked up the menu from the stand on the table. "But the food is pretty good here."

"Yeah..." I reached for a menu too.

"What's wrong?"

"Wrong?" I told him I didn't know what he was talking about.

"No?" He closed his menu. "Did you need to go?"

"No."

"Were you waiting for someone to show up?"

"No."

"Well then why do you keep looking towards the door? Am I boring you?"

I wasn't going to tell him about Devon but I found myself spilling it. I told him how Devon found my day timer and I was afraid that he would show up.

"Isn't that the idea?"

"What?" I stared at him. "Is what the idea?"

"Why you asked me out here tonight, wasn't it so Devon would find out, show up, see us together and get jealous?"

My jaw dropped.

"Wasn't it?" He asked again, this time a little hesitantly.

"No!" I couldn't believe he thought I would use him like that.

"Then why did you ask me to meet you Janie?"

"Because," I returned the menu I was looking at to its holder and grabbed my bag. "I wanted to see you," I told him. "I hated how I screwed things up with you, it wasn't right."

"No," he agreed. "You screwing around with Devon when we were engaged was very wrong."

"I'm sorry. I know that doesn't change what happened but Cary, I really am sorry about that."

"So?" He glanced at his menu for a second before looking up at me. "You wanted me meet up to tell me you were sorry?"

"No!" I groaned, I wasn't being clear at all. "I miss you Cary," the second I said it, he perked up. "Oh," I groaned again. "I mean, I miss doing stuff with you. I really enjoyed spending time with you." His shoulders slumped and I felt like a bitch. "I guess I wanted us to be friends but if you don't think you could be my friend then..." I didn't know what else to say, I started to get up. "I'm sorry Cary."

I started to walk away but I didn't get pass the first couple tables. "Wait Janie," Cary's hand curled around my elbow and he turned me to face him. "I would like that."

Devon didn't show up at DW's at all while I was there with Cary; we were there until midnight.

In the week that has pasted since that night, I've hung out with Cary twice both times we met at the restaurant and ended up at one of his co-workers house for a couple drinks.

Devon hasn't said a word about me hanging out with Cary nor has he changed anything he does.

I guess you could say that things are pretty normal around here.

The Start Of The Night

I was in the middle of putting on my make up last night when I heard a voice that I didn't want to hear calling my name as he neared my bedroom door. I groaned, cursed my mom before looking back into the mirror in front of me. Of all the nights I didn't want to see him, he had to show up! Just like a guy! Don't call for a couple days, ignore you when you are around and then when you have plans, he's all up in your space!

He opened my door without knocking, something that he always did and I hated it! Does he think he's too good to knock? Does he think that he can just walk in here and I'll be all happy to see him?

"Hot," he hissed as he grabbed me around the waist, turning me towards him, expecting me to kiss him.

"Devon!" I was upset, I hated that he did this to me every time! And what made it worst was that he knew I hated him barging in and manhandling me like I was some piece of meat! Don't get me wrong, I like to be manhandled most of the time, especially by Devon but right now I'm just irritated with him.

"Oh come on Janie," he wrapped his arms around me. "You know you want me." While he spoke his right hand slid down over my hip, over the cotton material of my white back pleated, mid thigh lenght skirt that sat low at my waist and onto my bare thigh. His hand soon disappeared under my skirt, I didn't move at first but the second I felt his fingers rub against my panties, I jumped.

"Devon stop it!" I tore out of his arms and turned to glare at him. "What the hell do you think you are doing?"

"What am I doing?" He grinned as he moved towards me once again. "How about I tell you what I'd love to be doing?" His hands went around me again, this time he grabbed my ass pulling me tight to him. "We don't need to go out," he told me while nipping at the sensitive skin of my neck. "Why don't we order some food and I'll show you how hot you get me when you wear that skirt for me."

"No," I struggled to get my arms to cooperate so that I could push him away. "I have plans tonight Devon."

"Oh?" He raised a brow. "Where are we going?"

"We aren't going any where! I am! Alone."

"Ha!" He shook his head. "Good one babe!"

"I'm serious! I'm going out tonight, without you!" When I said 'you' I jabbed my finger into his chest. "So why don't you back off and give me some space so I can finish up here?"

Without a word, Devon did as I asked. At least he backed away anyway, he didn't leave though, he retreated to my bed where he layed down on his back with his arms under his head and his feet crossed - he was staring at me the entire time and it sort of freaked me out.

I had to leave my room for a couple minutes to grab something from the bathroom, when I returned Devon pushed off my bed and mumbled something about finding something better to do as he stomped out of my room.

I was relieved when my door closed behind him.

Or I was until I spotted my day timer sitting on my bed, opened for all the world to see 'Cary 8pm - drinks @ DW'.

My Decision

A couple days have passed since the evening I ran into Cary and Devon flipped out. I don't care what anyone says, there is no way I'm going to pretend that it doesn't bug the hell out of me that he spends all his free time with Kelly and Gabe or talking about them or doing something for them!! Why should I have too? Who in their right mind would? I'm not being childish or anything and the fact that I slept with him when he was engaged to Kelly has nothing to do with the situation!!

Do you really think it should matter now? Devon didn't love her then and he don't love her now, he's just using her so he can be close to Gabe!! The same stupid reason he was all over Amber once Reed finally found her again!! He wants a child!! He doesn't care who's baby it is either! Whatever Devon wants, he gets! That's the way it's always been and that's the way he expects it to be now!!

But you know what? I'm not going to be just another person he uses and throws away; I did that once before and it wasn't all that hot for me! I love him but there is no way I'm going to be on the bottom of his list! I need some attention! I need to know he wants me for more than a roll in the sack! I want what we had before Kelly had Gabe! I want Devon to want me, I want him to 'chase' after me, I want him to be romantic and say the things he said to me the night he 'kidnapped' me and brought me out to the house he bought for Kelly!

The house he bought for Kelly? -sigh- I can't even get him to buy me lunch and he buys her a freaking house? Am I jealous? You are damn right I'm jealous!

And like I said, I'm not going to sit around and wait for him to decide he wants to see me or not. I'm going out! I'm going to live my life and he can go to hell for all I care!

Guess what I did?

I called Cary up earlier tonight. I know what you are all thinking but no, I didn't do it to 'get back at' Devon, I did it because I miss Cary, he's a funny guy and he's so sweet. I want to be friends with him.

And that's what I'm going to do! Or at least, that's what I'm going to tell him tomorrow night when I meet him for drinks at DW's. Amber thinks I should tell Devon that I'm meeting up with Cary and why but he wasn't paying much attention to me when I tried to tell him! How do I know he wasn't paying attention? He told me to have fun! No questions! No tirades! Nothing!

Chances are that I'll try to tell him again before I leave to meet Cary tomorrow...

Hello My Friends

I just thought I'd stop by to see how everyone was doing. I can't tell you how weird it is for me to see someone else's words on this blog but I'm so glad that Janie agreed to take over for me, I wasn't sure if I would have the time or energy to update like I used too.

But as promised, I'm here to tell you all what's going on with me.

First off, Reed is wonderful! I swear I love him more and more everyday! The other night he took me to the place where we first met. We were already at his parents' house helping Lucinda move her stuff back in because she decided that she wasn't going to let Roger ignore her.

"He can't ignore me if I live in the same house," she told me.

I don't know if it's a good idea or not but she thinks that maybe he will give her a chance to explain about Sean if she's around more. "Things have got out of hand," she cried on my shoulder while Reed was loading her stuff into the Jeep. "I wanted to tell Roger about Sean a long time ago but every time I tried to bring up the time we had together back then, he would tell me that we shouldn't talk about it in case some one overheard."

I think Roger is in for a big fight; Lucinda is determined to mend things. It's funny how it went from Lucinda being mad at Roger to the other way around in such a short time.

Meanwhile, speaking of Sean, he was helping us move his mother too. Slowly, he's developing a relationship with his parents but he has asked them to understand that he can't just start calling them 'mom' and 'dad'. For the most part, they do understand but every now and then, I see the look on their faces when he mentions Mack and Gertie.

I'm so glad that I'll never had to feel that way. Every moment I spend with Sean makes me realize just how important the bond Reed and I share with Alexis is. I'm so glad that I was strong enough to stand up to my parents. I'm so happy that I kept my little girl.

The most moment for Sean and his parents came when Sean told Roger that there was no way that he would work at his company. "I'm sorry," he said. "But it's not me, I'm not a shirt and tie guy. You already have Reed working for you and from what I see, he's doing a great job."

I'll stop there to tell you that Reed absolutely loves his brother...I'm almost jealous of how much he talks about Sean!

Ok, so Sean told Roger that he wouldn't work for him. When Roger asked what he will do for work, Sean told him that he'll do what he always does, "Construction."

Roger hated that but Lucinda encouraged Sean, even though she hated it as well. Later she would tell me that she wanted Sean to be happy, "and if getting his hands dirty makes him happy then by golly! He'll get his hands dirty."

Reed suggested that Sean talk to Devon since Devon was technically in the construction business, "he knows all the best contractors," Reed told Sean. "I did tell you he was an architect, right?"

So Sean spoke to Devon, who made a few calls and gave Sean the names of some guys to talk too. Sean starts work with the biggest contractor in town Monday night at 6 am. He couldn't be happier!

Now for me. There really isn't much going on for me personally. Like I said, Reed is wonderful and I love him so much. Alexis is growing more and more every day. And walking! I really have to watch her now that she's really mobile - she likes to pull stuff from all the areas she couldn't reach when she was at floor level. Last night she pulled a picture of the three of us from one of my shelves and broke the glass, cutting her finger. She's ok but she cried so much that I almost cried with her. The only thing that made her stop was when I put the Strawberry Shortcake band aid on her finger, she giggled at that!

Work wise, in a surprising turn of events Colin started with us a couple days ago. I'm not sure why he's working with us, Nadine thinks Charlie talked him into it because he's in between jobs and he did help out at the day care from time to time before. It's weird working with him, especially knowing that it's partly my fault that he found out Penny was cheating on him. Although one of the first things he did when he started the other day was tell me that he was sorry for everything Penny did to me. I told him he wasn't responsible but he told me he felt it was, "I'm the reason she was here in the first place."

So that's about all that's going on in my life. I would talk about Janie and Devon but I think Janie is the better person to talk too about what's going on with them!

I want to thank all of you for your help and guidance over the last couple months, I really appreciated it. I will be back with more updates for me when I have time meanwhile please offer Janie all the support and guidance you have given me.

Yes, I'm A 'Reactor' =)

ARGH!!! Seriously! What did I do? Where did I sign my name on this whole 'we are dating but I can talk too/hang out with/buy gifts for my ex-fiance and her new baby but you can't even talk to yours without me flipping out' deal? Because seriously if I knew it was going to be like this, I don't think I would've sign the damn deal!

Ok. There really isn't a signed deal out there anywhere but you get the idea. I'm so PO'ed at Devon right now...so PO'ed that I almost typed Dylan for some stupid reason! I don't even know a Dylan! But if I did, you can bet that he wouldn't be the dick that Devon is being at this moment!

Calm down Janie...just calm down...

Yes, I'm talking to myself here...or I guess you can say 'typing'...haha =)

=( does this site not do the smiley face guys? I love the smiley face guys!

Wait a second, I got off topic. I do that a lot, people say I'm ditsy but I like to think that my mind just works so fast that it boggles every one's mind!!

Ok. So. Devon. Right...

Last night I was walking downtown with him, we were on our way to dinner when he decided to stop into the toy store to see if there was anything new since he was in the earlier that day. I kid you not! He was in there lunchtime yesterday! He told me when we were walking in the door!

I didn't want to be there, I didn't want to be looking at toys for his ex's son, we were on a date! Do you all shop for toys for baby while you are on a date? A date with the person you were cheating on said ex with in the first place?

Don't get me wrong, I don't have anything against Kelly or Gabe, I think Gabe is really cute but seriously! I don't want to look at baby stuff on a date. When I tried to tell him that, he got mad at me! He didn't even let me finish or explain how I was feeling, he just told me I was being childish and walked away!

When Devon walked away from me, I decided I wasn't sticking around the store, he could do whatever he wanted, I was going to the restaurant to wait for him. When I told him that, he mumbled something like, 'maybe I won't show up'.

I stormed out of the store but not before telling him I didn't care if he did or not. I told him he could go see Kelly for all I cared.

But I did care, I was looking forward to last night for the simple fact that it didn't have anything to do with Kelly or Gabe! Ever since Gabe was born, Devon has been over there or calling Kelly or shopping for them. I just wanted him to myself. Is that so wrong?

I was stomping down the sidewalk, muttering to myself as I went. I swear people were crossing the street to avoid me because they thought I was crazy. And maybe I was. Maybe I am.

As I stomped, I thought I heard someone say my name. Turning around I saw Cary half running up the sidewalk towards me.

C: Hey!

Me: Ummm, hi! How are you?

C: I'm ok. How are you? You seemed to be a little mad, I wasn't sure if I should bother you. - tilting his head, sizing me up - Are you ok Janie?

Me: I'm fine, I just - sigh - I'm fine.

C: - looking around - Are you late meeting someone? Or do you have a couple minutes?

Me: I was just heading down for something to eat - pointed down the street at the restaurant - but I have a couple minutes. What's up?

I wish I could tell you what Cary wanted but Devon decided to come after me at that moment.

D: - steps in between Cary and me, facing Cary - time's up.

C: - glancing around Devon to look at me - We'll talk later?

If Devon wasn't giving Cary the dirtiest look I've ever seen and if he didn't interrupt us so rudely, I probably would've said no but...

Me: - cheerfully - Yes, I would like that.

Cary gave me a smile before walking away.

D: What was that all about?

Me: - shrugging - don't know, you interrupted before he could tell me what he wanted. - raising a brow, totally joking - hey maybe he wanted me to run away with him!

D: - glaring -

Me: - sighing - I was KIDDING Devon! Good Lord! Seriously!

I turned to head to the restaurant when his hand came down on my arm, he spun me around to face him.

D: I don't want you to talk to him anymore.

Me: - laughing - yeah, right. - has a thought - Ok, I'll stop talking to him...

D: - lets go of my arm and smiles - Ok, good. Let's go eat. -takes my hand in his, about to take a step down the sidewalk -

Me: - continues - ...when you stop talking to Kelly.

D: - freezes in mid step, turns to me once again - I told you why I still talk to Kelly. I'm not going to stop just because you say so.

Me: - shrugging but really I care, it hurt that he wouldn't consider my feelings - then you should understand why I will talk to Cary, if I want too.

But he didn't understand. He told me that he didn't see why I would have a problem with him helping out Kelly. "If my parents didn't do what they did, I wouldn't feel responsible for her!"

I wasn't about to get into it with him in the middle of the sidewalk. I told him that we could go have dinner and talk about this later or go home and talk about it then.

He decided to go home...alone.

I wanted to scream as he walked away from me but instead, I spun around and took myself out to dinner.

It was the best dinner I've had in a while.

Which makes me wonder, am I jumping into a 'relationship' with Devon because I really love him or because I love the idea of loving him?

We don't fight all the time, it's just lately and it's always about Kelly. At first I tried to smile and deal with it but it's like I'm having a relationship with two other people. I don't want that, I want... - sigh - I want all of his attention when we are together.

Is that so wrong of me?

- Janie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Free Thoughts

Amber told me this was going to be easy but reading the comments, I wonder why I jumped at the chance to do this without thinking about it further.

I was excited, I really was! Amber was so great at selling this to me, she said to think of it as a diary where I could tell my deepest secrets and fears.

Only this 'diary' would give me suggestions and help if I needed it. I thought it would be easy, I can write a diary, I've been writing in one all my life but this...this is so NOT like a diary!!!

I don't know what to do now, everyone seems to have prejudged me without given me a chance.

I think that stinks!!! I'm not a bad person, I'm not!!! I may have down some questionable things in the past, hurt my best friend and had a hand in hurting her little girl too BUT if Amber can forgive me, why can't a brunch of strangers who weren't affected by my mistake?

I'm not a bad person, I just made a mistake.

Who here hasn't done something they knew was wrong?

Amber told me not to let the comments run me out of the blog, she said that it's hard to take the bad with the good but in the end it's worth it.

She's normally right.

I hate that...

Welcome To Janie's World

Like holy cow! This is freakin' AWESOME! Just when I thought I knew Amber she pulls me to her computer to show me this!!

HEY EVERYONE!!!!

I couldn't believe it when Amber told me about this blog! I didn't even know people wrote stuff like this on the internet for the whole world to see!!!! I couldn't believe she was able to keep this all a secret from everyone!!! Amber barely can keep anything to herself! Especially when it comes to Reed!! She tells him everything!

I suppose you are wondering why it's me and not Amber!! It seems that she feels her life isn't all that interesting now that she's with Reed again and has settled into 'married' life!!

I KNOW!!

I told her she was mental - she isn't married to Reed!!! Her reply?? It's just a matter of time!!

Amber thinks that my life would be more interesting because of all the shit with Devon - I see she has been telling all my secrets already! I told her she was mental, she told me to treat you all right because she's come to love each one of you!

So like....WELCOME TO MY WORLD!!!!!

;)

- Janie

PS! Amber says 'hi' and she'll post if something exciting happens to her