A Man's Ego - A Strange Little Beast

I have to admit this, not that it would surprise anyone but I have been avoiding running into Chris. I didn't want to see him, I didn't want to have to explain to him about Reed and most of all, I didn't want him to try to touch me in any way. Now don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with the guy, I just didn't know how I would feel seeing him and I didn't want to do anything with him that would jeopardized my relationship with Reed.

I told myself that I didn't owe him anything, we weren't really together, even though he did call me his girlfriend a couple times. I wasn't prepared to face him, so when I ran into him on the stairs last night, I froze.

I was walking up the stairs after checking my mail. I was sorting through some fliers so I didn't see him as he opened his door and stood in the hallway to wait for me to get up to him.

"Anything for me?" He asked softly.

"What?" My head snapped up so fast, I got a shooting pain in the back of my neck. I groaned and rubbed the spot.

"Here let me help," he moved faster than I thought he would and soon he was standing behind me, rubbing my neck. "I missed you this past week," he told me. "Where did you go?"

"I took Alexis to see her dad."

"Oh," he applied a little more pressure to my neck and it felt so good, I bit my lip to stop from groaning out loud. "How did it go?"

"It went ok," I told him. "They were both happy to see each other."

"Mmhmm. And how did you feel seeing him again?" Chris stopped rubbing my shoulder and turned me around to face him. "You didn't let me know you were going, you didn't come over and tell me you were alright when you got home. I was worried about you Amber."

"Chris I'm a big girl. I can take care of myself."

He smiled at me, "I know you can." Then it happened, his arms came around me and he brushed his lips against my cheek. "I'm so glad you are home again, I missed you." He lowered his head, his lips touched mine softly before he kissed me tenderly.

I don't know why but I didn't stop him. In fact, I kissed him back.

But it wasn't the same.

I didn't feel the same way as I did when Reed kissed me.

Something seemed like it was missing.

"Chris," I pulled back from him, he tried to kiss me again but I told him no.

"What's wrong?" He looked so confused.

I pulled out of his arms and grasp my doorknob. "I'm so sorry Chris but I can't do this. I can't see you anymore. Alexis and I are packing up and moving back home."

He stared at me like I had ten heads, "Why?"

"I want to be with Reed," I told him. "I love him."

Chris was silent, he didn't look too happy and I could see his jaw clench. I was a little afraid of what he'd do, I turned the knob in my hand, getting ready in case he reacted violently.

I waited for him to speak, I didn't have to wait too long though. But the words he spoke made my blood run cold.

"Once a whore, I guess..."

He went back into his apartment and slammed his door so hard the windows in the hallway actually rattled in their frames.

I was shocked and so pissed off at what he said, I wanted to bang on his door and tell him to go f*** himself, I wasn't a whore. But I didn't.

Like a coward, I entered my apartment and closed the door.

This morning when I woke up there was a piece of paper sitting just inside my front door.

Amber,

I'm sorry I said what I did last night. I had no right to say it. I wish you all the happiness with Reed but I know he won't make you happy. When you realize this, you know where to find me.

Chris


I stared, unblinkingly at the paper for a good five minutes before I balled it up in my hand and tossed it in the garbage can.

Muddling Through

Having Janie here is exciting. I didn't realize before just how much I missed not being around her. Last night, even though we were tired from all the cleaning and packing, we sat up until 3 just talking. About old times, friends, hopes, dreams, and relationships. One of the topics she kept coming back to was Devon.

"I know you don't want to hear it," she told me for the millionth time as she turned the conversation back to him. "But I just can't forget about him Amber!"

"Isn't he engaged?"

Janie rolled her eyes, "He doesn't love her Amber!"

I didn't say anything, I just rolled my eyes at her. "Janie I was there when you guys were dating. You broke up with him, remember? You told me he was an ass and you were sorry you ever got involved with him."

"I know," she groaned. "But you don't understand."

"No, I don't. Devon is engaged to another woman, he is going to marry her. What are you going to do, be his mistress?"

"It's not it would be the first time someone did that Amber."

"But Janie what about all the dreams you had about meeting Mr. Right, getting married and having boat loads of babies?"

Janie shrugged, "Things change Amber."

I stared at her. "I don't think they change all that much Janie."

"What do you know?" Janie glared at me, "You already have Mr. Right. He's just waiting for you to tell him that you are ready to be his." She sat back against the couch and crossed her arms over her chest. "It must be nice to know you'll end up happy."

"You think it's that easy?" I asked her. "Do you have any idea how much I wish it was that simple? Sure Reed loves me and wants to be with me but Janie, I have so many doubts and fears that are getting in the way. Hell we can't even have a conversation without fighting. I don't want Alexis to grow up in that environment."

"Are you even listening to yourself?" Janie picked up a cushion and smacked me with it. "He loves you Stupid! He wants to be with you and make you happy. That's all he's wanted since the night you two met."

"You don't know that."

"Yes I do!" She hit me again. "And so do you! So put the boy out of his misery and tell him you are coming home to him."

She makes it sound so easy and maybe she is right. But how can I enter a relationship with him again, if I'm so unsure of myself. How do I know if it's really love I feel for him? What if I make a mistake? What if I just think I love him because he was so sweet and kind to me before Alexis came along? I didn't know him that well, we were only dating a couple months. Is that enough time to really be in love?

Part of me say no.

The other part of me, beats up the 'no' part and wants to shout out my love for him from the highest mountain top.

Trying To Make It Work

I feel so alone. I thought it would be easy to leave Reed and come home. I didn't think I would miss him as much as I do right now. I was fine until I went to bed last night, or I should say I was fine until I climbed into my makeshift bed, the couch. I got comfy and then I made the mistake of turning over. My nose planted right against the sheets I had on the couch the last time Reed was here. I took one small breath and his scent assaulted my senses. I cried myself to sleep last night.

I suppose you are all wondering why I was sleeping on the couch in the first place. Well, it would've been strange to sleep in my bed, I didn't wish to share it.

I guess I should go back and start from the last post....so all of this makes sense.

Reed had asked me where we went from there.

"Well," I smiled at him. "This is what I've been thinking, I've thought about what I wanted and how I've been feeling lately. I knew that there was no way I could bring myself to be with you if I wasn't happy with who I am at the moment. I didn't want to resent you later."

"Why aren't you happy with yourself?" Reed asked.

I sighed, "Reed lately I've been wondering if there wasn't something wrong with me. I looked around and all I could see is people moving on with their lives, being someone and all I did was sit at home and plan what I would do when Alexis was awake again." He started to say something but I stopped him. "Do you know that this is the first time I've been out without her? Even when you took her for those couple hours, I sat at home and waited for her to come home so I could have something to do."

"You could've went out Amber."

I nodded, "Yes I could've but I didn't know what I wanted to do and the idea of going out scared me because I didn't want to not be around in case some thing happened to her. Reed, I love our daughter with all my being but lately I've been resenting her. I've been wishing that she wasn't there and I hated myself for it. I thought there was something wrong with me, I didn't think that it was normal to some times wish to have some time to do what you want to do, even if it was just to get out and go for a walk by myself." I glanced at him, "Or with a very handsome man."

He frowned for a moment then he smiled, "You mean me?"

I laughed, "Yes! Of course I mean you Reed."

He slipped his arm around my waist, "So how do you feel now?"

"Well, I still feel that I'm not doing anything with my life. But I'm no longer resenting Alexis, I realized that it wasn't her that was holding me back. It was me."

"So what are you doing about it?"

I smiled at him, "I'm going to change how I live my life."

He nodded, "That's good. But where does that leave us?"

"Things have to change between us Reed." He asked me what I meant. "Well, for starters. I'm moving out of the apartment."

"No you aren't."

"Yes I am. I'm not living in your debt anymore."

"Don't be crazy Amber, you can do whatever you want with your life from that apartment, that doesn't need to change."

"Yes it does Reed." I turned to him, "I'm very grateful for everything you have done for Alexis and me but I need to do this for myself, I need to gain some independence."

"But you have all the independence that you need at the apartment. You don't need to move. You aren't moving!"

"I am!" I snapped at him. "I don't think you understand Reed. I have to move."

He glared at me, I knew he wasn't happy with me. "Where are you going to live Amber? What are you going to do? How will you pay for this place? I'm assuming that you are not going to accept any help from me."

"I'm moving back here, I plan to get a job and start paying for things for myself. You can still help out with Alexis' needs but you don't have to pay my way."

"Amber that's just crazy! You are going to give up time with Alexis to work? When you don't have too? Why would you do that? Why don't you just let me take care of you?"

"Reed, you aren't listening to me!"

"I'm listening. I don't hear anything that makes sense Amber."

I jumped off the boulder, "Well I'm sorry you think that but that's how it's going to be. I'm moving out of the apartment. You'll have to sublet it until the lease is up, or pay off the remaining balance of the lease, that's up to you. I've already spoke to my mother and she is going to get my father to take the utilities out of his name as soon as I tell him I'm out of there." I stared up at him, "I'm doing this for me Reed. I don't care if you don't like it, I need to do this." I turned on my heel and started to walk away.

"Amber!" Reed called after me but I didn't even acknowledge him. "Amber wait!" I heard him jump from the boulder and run after me. "Would you stop?" He gripped my hand, "Darling please don't walk away, we need to discuss this further."

I turned to him, "What more is there to say?"

"When you move here, you'll live in the house." I started to shake my head, "What?" Reed asked.

"I'm not living in that house until we get to that point in our relationship Reed. I'm not rushing into that, I don't want to regret anything."

Reed groaned, "Amber, I don't live there so it's not like you'll run into me at every turn."

"Maybe you should live there Reed." He asked he what I meant. "I want you to live there, I don't want you to have spent all that money just to have it sit there. It's crazy that you aren't there now. Why rent out the flat when you could live in the house?"

"I bought that house for -"

"I know why you bought it, but did you ever think that maybe it would be better for you to live there and have it set up? When you have Alexis this summer, it would be great if she had a yard to play in. Reed she'll be starting to walk by the end of the summer, I think. She's going to want to spread her legs and run, or crawl or whatever!" I step in closer to him. "Reed, I want you to live in that house because I want it to be full of wonderful memories for Alexis. Time she spent with you. And when we get to the point that we are living together, she will already be comfortable at the house, she'll feel like it is home."

Reed closed his eyes and sighed, "Where are you going to live while you are deciding if you want to be with me?"

"I think I'll move back home."

"What?" Reed's eyes popped open. "You won't let me help you out but you'll let your parents' pay your way?" He turned away from me, "Why don't you just kick me in the balls? It wouldn't hurt as much."

"Reed!" I went around to stand in front of him. "I don't mean to hurt you, you have to try not to take it personally, I'm not doing this to hurt you! I'm trying to get my life together. I'm trying to be something that my daughter can be proud of! I'm trying to be someone you'll be happy to show off to the world. Not someone that everyone thinks is just using you."

"Ah ha! That's what this is all about! Why do you care what others think? I know you aren't using me, I know that I'm helping you out because I want too. Why do you have to change everything because my father is a prick?"

"It's not only your father Reed! I've heard little snips of conversations all over town, everyone thinks I'm just a high priced whore!" I stared up at him, I wanted him to understand how that made me feel but I couldn't even begin to describe it.

"Amber," he sighed. "I don't know what to tell you, I don't know what can make you understand that none of it matters. All I care about is being with you, that's all I ever cared about." His shoulders slumped. "I'm afraid that you won't need me if you do this."

I put my hands on his chest, "Reed I do need you, more than you'll ever know. But honey, I need you not your money. I want to be with you, that's why I'm doing all this, so I can be with you and not feel like I'm just getting a free ride because we had a baby together."

"Amber," Reed lifted his hands to my shoulders. "Ok."

"Ok?" I was confused. "Ok what?"

"You do what ever it is that you think you have to do to feel the way you need to feel. I'm not going to lie and tell you that I'm happy with this. I don't think that you moving in with your parents is a good idea, I know how they made you feel when you were there before and I don't want you to feel that way again. But if that's what you want to do, I won't stop you." He dropped his hands to his side. "I'll be there if you change your mind and want me to help you again."

"Thank you, that means a lot to me," I wrapped my arms around his waist and hugged him tight.

We strolled around the park, hand in hand talking about my new plan for my life. He asked me what I was going to do for work. "I could see if there is an opening at the office."

I shook my head, "Honey I don't think I'm qualified to do much but something in the service industry."

"You won't make much working there Amber."

"I know but I'll be working towards something."

He nodded and changed the subject, "So where will Alexis be when you are working?"

"Well I was thinking that it would give our mother's a chance to be grandmotherly. I know my mother wants to spend time with her, I'm not sure about yours but it's ok if she doesn't."

"I know mom will be excited to get that chance," Reed smiled. "She'll be so excited when I tell her. And hey, maybe I can watch her too!"

I grinned, "I know that Alexis would love that."

We soon left the park to walk back to his place, we were on the way up the steps when Reed stopped me. "Amber darling, I can't wait until you are living here." He leaned down and brushed his lips against mine. "I'm already planning our 'first' date."

We didn't make much noise as we walked back inside, I don't think that my parents heard us because neither one of them looked up. My mother was sitting on the couch with her hands folded in her lap as she watched my father on the floor playing with Alexis, he had hold of her feet and he was moving her legs as if she was running. "And we are running," he laughed as Alexis giggled and slapped her hands together. "Pumpkin, you may look like your dad but you have your mommy's spirit." He leaned over her and kissed her forehead, "That alone will take you anywhere you ever hope to go."

Watching him with Alexis was weird but I was happy that he was coming around. I felt Reed move up beside me, his arms came around my waist and he held me. We stood like that, watching my parents until my mother saw us there. My parents soon made excuses to leave.

We put Alexis to bed together. She was so sleepy that she was asleep in Reed's arms before she was even in her pjs.

It was late, we grabbed a light snack and them we started to clean up so we could go to bed.

I was sitting on his side of the bed when he came out of the bathroom wearing just his pj bottoms. "Hey," he smiled as he crossed the room towards me. "Are you sleeping here tonight?"

When he knelt in front of me, I lifted my hand to his cheek, my thumb rubbed over the stubble there. I didn't say anything, I just sat there gazing at him. His hands were on my thighs, "Darling?" The look in his eyes told me that he wanted me just as much as I wanted him.

Leaning down, I kissed his lips.

We ended up in his bed, he was naked and I was just wearing my panties. "Reed," I stopped him. "We shouldn't do this."

"Please?" He begged as he nipped at my shoulder. When I didn't give in he groaned and collapsed against the bed. He didn't say anything, he just stayed there with his face pressed against the mattress.

"Reed?" I touched his shoulder.

He looked at me, he smiled. Without a word, he turned towards me and wrapped his body around mine It was a couple minutes before he said anything. "I love you BerryLynn." He whispered against my temple. "I promise to do everything I can to make you happy." He kissed my cheek. "Even if that means letting you sleep when I want to make love to you."

He held me the entire night and when I woke up, he was still holding me. He didn't leave for work until late that morning, he wanted to spend as much time as he could with us.

Before I left his place, I had a visitor. It was Janie. She was upset.

"He's so mad at me, he doesn't understand why I can't see him anymore."

"What did he do Janie? Did he hurt you?"

Janie shook her head, "No he didn't. He didn't even yell Amber. It's so not like Devon. He yells, that's how you know he'll be ok. But he just looked at me like I just told him I killed his dog. He looked so sad. He told me that he wasn't letting me go that easily."

"Are you afraid of what he'll do to you?" If she were to tell me that he would hurt her, I would've believed it.

She shook her head, "No, he wouldn't hurt me Amber." She paused long enough to blow her nose. "I should go see him, try and explain it."

"No!" I grabbed her arm. "Why don't you come with Alexis and me? We are going home to pack up our stuff." I stopped when she gave me this funny look. "We are moving back here!" I told her.

I talked Janie into coming with me. And that's who's in my bed at the moment...well she's actually awake now. So I should go. We have a long day ahead of us!

Coming To An Understanding

Reed came home about 5:30 last night. Alexis and I were in the living room rocking out to one of the many kids CDs that I bought her. We were doing a rambunctious rendition of 'Mary Had A Little Lamb' when she stopped bouncing on the floor and reached out her hands, "Da da."

I froze in the middle of my head banging, air guitar playing stance (yes, we were that into the song; Alexis loves it when I act crazy like that, she giggles so much she falls over on her side and kicks her feet in the air!) and slowly turned to look at Reed. "Hey," I said, I could feel my cheeks getting hot, I knew I was blushing like mad.

"Oh please don't stop on my account," he grinned as he scooped Alexis off the floor. "I don't think I've seen you that alive in a long time Amber."

"Alexis likes it," I mumbled as I turned down the volume of the stereo with the remote. "We weren't expecting you home so soon."

"Yeah, I wasn't expecting it either." He smiled at me when I sat down with him. "Your father is the only reason I'm home right now."

I frowned, "What do you mean?"

He loosened his tie and unbuttoned his top button, I couldn't help but watch as he did that. One of the things I realized since I left the office that morning was that I wanted Reed so badly. And not just sexually, I wanted to be with him. I wanted to be by his side and raise our daughter together. "Amber?" My eyes flicked up to his and saw a reaction to my gaze.

Not yet, I told myself. You have to stay focused, not only for you but for Alexis too. I licked my lips and swallowed before I spoke again. "So why is my father the reason you are home?"

Reed stared at me like he didn't understand what I asked. "Umm," he coughed. "I was standing with our fathers in my office when my father told me he wanted me to sit in on some meeting of his that I didn't really need to be there for. I told him that I needed to go home because you were waiting, dad said you'd still be here whenever I got home and he started for the door. When I told him that I wasn't so sure about that, he told me that maybe it would be better if you weren't."

"What?" I wish I could say I was surprised but deep down I knew that his father wasn't a big fan of me.

"Your father immediately jumped in, 'Roger! You should be grateful that Amber is even giving Reed the time of day after the way you all treated her! Now he says he has to go home and I say he is, don't you dare try and stop him!' I was shocked, I never heard anyone, let alone your father talk to my dad that way before."

I was shocked too, I didn't know what my father was up to but I was feeling less anger towards him after I went off on him. Maybe we can have some kind of relationship? "What did your father say to that?"

Reed laughed, "My father didn't know what to say. So your dad told me to hurry up and get out of there. So I did, I left and now here I am!"

"Wow," I said, still a little shocked at my father. "So you think you'll get in trouble tomorrow?"

He shrugged, "I don't know nor do I care. I told you I'd be home and I am, that's all I care about." He was about to slip his arm around my shoulders when the doorbell rang, "Who could that be?" He asked as he got up to answer the door.

I knew who it was, I went to see her today after I left my father's office.

"Lenore?" I heard Reed question as he opened the door. "What are you doing here?"

"Why Amber asked me to come over dear," I heard my mother reply. I could just imagine the look on Reed's face and I couldn't help but smile.

But what he said next made me frown, "Amber asked you too Carl?" My father is here? I jumped off the couch and went to the hallway in time to see Reed closing the door after my parents walked in.

"Hello Amber dear," my mother came over and gave me a hug. "I'm so glad to see you again. I'm excited about this!"

"Excited about what?" Reed gave me a questioning look. "Darling, I thought we were going to..." he trailed off.

"We are," I took Alexis from him and handed her to my mother. "Now you be good for Nana and..." I glanced at my father, he was wiggling his fingers at Alexis. "...Papa." He looked up at me and smiled. This is just too weird! I'm going to have to find out what's up later from mom. "Come on Reed," I grabbed his jacket and mine.

"Where are we going?" He asked, a little confused with what was happening. "What about Alexis?"

"My parents can handle her for a little while," I moved him towards the door. "They have your cell number if anything goes wrong Reed." He felt around his jacket until he found his cell, he pulled it out and looked at it. "Yes, that cell." I almost laughed at him but I managed to contain myself. "Come on," I opened the door and pulled him outside.

Once I had the door closed, he seemed to understand that we were leaving Alexis with my parents, "Are you sure you want to do that?" I nodded as I continued down the steps. "So where are we going?" He pulled out his keys to unlock his car.

"You don't need that," I told him as I took them from him to put them back in his pocket. "We are just going to go for a little walk." I slipped my hand in his and gave his arm a little tug. "I was thinking we'd walk down to the park here, it's not as nice as the lake one, but that's ok."

He let me lead him past our vehicles, "You didn't unpack the Jeep. I'll do that when we come back."

I shook my head, "No you won't Reed."

He stopped in his tracks, "What do you mean? Why won't I?"

I sighed, "Alexis and I are still leaving. Probably tomorrow morning."

Reed dropped my hand, "Still leaving? So what the hell is the point of talking if nothing I say is going to make a difference?" He started to stomp down the sidewalk, "That's just great Amber!"

I watched him for a second. "Reed Braxton Johnson! You get back here right now!" I yelled after him.

He turned, raised a brow as he stared at me, "Make me AmberLynn Sands!"

I rolled my eyes, "Stop being a jerk and listen for once in your life!"

"Me listen?" He came charging back towards me. "How about you listen for a change? It's always about you, do you even give a damn about me?"

"Of course I do!" I snapped at him. "Why the hell do you think I'm still here? Why do you think I came here in the beginning Reed?"

"So Alexis would stop mopping around the apartment. You would just love for her to hate me wouldn't you? Then you don't have to feel bad about keeping her from me."

"I'm not keeping her from you! I don't plan on keeping her from you!"

Reed scoffed, "Yeah right!"

I took a step back from him, keep it together! I sighed, "This isn't getting us anywhere." I continued to walk in the direction we were headed.

"Amber," Reed grabbed my arm and spun me to face him. "I'm not going to let you take her from me."

"What?" I stared at him. "Take her from you? What the hell is that supposed to mean Reed? You promised me you wouldn't try to take her from me," I grabbed his shirt in my hands. "You can't take her from me Reed." I could feel the tears building up as I thought of being without Alexis. "Please don't Reed."

"Amber," he sighed. "I don't want to take her from you. I meant what I said that day, I won't take her from you. I just don't want to be without her either."

"Is that why you want us to move here? So you have her in your life whenever you have time to be with her?" Oh God, I thought. Maybe that's all he wants and he thinks he has to want you in order for that to happen.

"No!" Reed shook his head fiercely. "I want you Amber, that's why I bought the house, I want us to be together. I want us to raise Alexis together. I want us to be a family like we would've been if I hadn't screwed up. Amber I want to spend the rest of my life with you."

"I want that too Reed," I whispered.

"Then why are you leaving tomorrow Amber?"

"If we are to be together Reed, we'll need to start over again. I'm not the same person I was when we were together, you aren't the same either. I don't want to rush into being together if we don't click anymore, I don't want to end up hurting or hurting you." I turned around, gripping his hand in mine. "Come on, let's walk."

He followed along with me. "You want to start over? You mean, date again?"

I nodded, "I think that would be a good place to start," I smiled up at him. "You were always an amazing date."

He grinned, "You were too."

We didn't say anything as we walked along the path down to the park. It was nice to stroll along hand in hand with him again. It was nice to not have to worry about Alexis while we did it either.

We were walking along one of the many paths through the park when we came along a big boulder. Reed stopped in front of it and smiled down at me. "This looks like a great place to get to know your hopes and dreams Berrylynn." He placed his hands on my waist and lifted me up on the boulder, then jumped up along with me. "So tell me darling, where do we go from here?"

"Well," I smiled at him. "This is what I've been thinking..."

***

I have to go, it's almost Alexis' nap time and I figure that it would be better to drive the two hours with her at this time so maybe she'll sleep instead of cry the entire time.

I'll have to finish this tomorrow...from my small apartment...

I'll Rant And I'll Roar

I was all packed up and loaded into the Jeep. I had Alexis strapped into her car seat and we were ready to go. But I was frozen in the driver's seat. I didn't even have the keys in the ignition, I was still holding them in mid air in my hand. What am I doing? I thought. Do I really want to leave like this? Does he deserve to know that we are leaving? I sighed and glanced in the mirror at Alexis. It's not like you didn't try to talk to him, he just didn't want to listen. How long do you try before you should just give up?

I had called his office about three or four times this morning, trying to get a hold of him. I called his cell phone as well but always got the voice mail. I didn't know if he was purposely ignoring me or if he was really in meetings all morning. But you think he would've had a moment to check his messages!

"What should I do snuggle bug?"

"Da da," she replied. Not that it was a big surprise and I should take it as a sign because every time you asked her anything, 'Da da' was her reply. But in this case, seeing I was looking for any reason not to leave I ignored that little fact and started the Jeep. "Ok Alexis, let's go tell daddy we are going home."

The entire drive to the downtown sector that was home to Power Towers, the building that housed Reed's father's company, I was arguing about whether or not I should bother him at work. My entire life, I've been told by my mother that when someone was at work, they weren't to be bothered by anything short of the death of a loved one. So just the idea of me bringing Alexis in there to tell Reed we were leaving, scared me. I was afraid that someone would realize that I wasn't supposed to be there and have me forcibly removed from the building. I know, that's a little extreme but some times you don't think about things rationally.

I walked through the front doors of the office and waited for the receptionist to finish with the phone call she was in the middle of. It seemed like forever that I stood there, when it was probably only two minutes. "Can I help you?" She eyed my outfit and my daughter with such disapproval that I wanted to tell her that the head honcho would be offended by the way she stared at his granddaughter, only I didn't know if Roger would care. He would probably join her in bashing me.

"AmberLynn?" a familiar voice questioned as I went to ask for Reed. I turned to see my father staring down at me with what looked like concern in his eyes, which shocked me into silence. "What you are doing here? Are you alright?"

I shook my head, "I...I..I mean we..." I glanced at Alexis as I stumbled over my words.

"Da da," Alexis held her hands up to her mouth as she stared at my father with big wide eyes.

"Come to my office Amber," my father didn't wait for me to reply, he put his hand on my arm and started down one of the corridors. "What are you doing here Amber?" He asked again as we walked.

"We are leaving and I figured that we should tell Reed."

My father stopped dead in his tracks, "Reed doesn't know?" I shook my head and went to say something but he told me to stay right where I was as he stalked down a small hallway to an older lady sitting behind a desk. I couldn't hear what he was saying but she was nodding furiously. When he returned to me, he didn't say anything until we were in his office. I've never been in my father's office before, I wasn't sure what I could do. So I waited for signs from him.

He started to walk around to sit down at his desk when he stopped and came back towards me. "Here, let me take her." I didn't expect him to say that, I'm sure my shock was written all over my face as I stared at him with my jaw damn near scraping the floor. He took her from me with little effort, "Hello Alexis," he gave her a smile and she giggled, throwing her arms around his neck. I watched in shock as my father lowered himself into one of the chairs that was sitting in front of his desk, and sat Alexis on his knee. He looked up at me and frowned, "Sit down Amber."

"Wha-" I almost missed the chair as I tried to sit down without taking my eyes of him, I was waiting for his head to split open to reveal some alien being that had taken control over my father. This isn't my father! My brain screamed but my mouth said, "Are you sick?"

He raised a brow, "I'm so glad all those years of schooling have not been wasted." His tone sounded different, it wasn't one I normally associated with my father, he was....joking????

"What is going on?" I asked him, this was too strange for me. "Maybe you should give me Alexis back and go check in with a doctor father."

My father looked offended, "There is nothing wrong with me AmberLynn!"

"Are you sure?" I wasn't. "You never given me the time of day before, now you are sitting here bouncing Alexis on your lap? What is going on? Is this some episode of the Twilight Zone?"

"Amber if you aren't going to say anything constructive, maybe you should just sit there and be quiet. Or better yet," my father said as he smiled at Alexis. "Tell me why you are leaving town."

"Father it's not really any of your business."

He turned to me, studied me for a moment before handing Alexis back to me. Without a word me got up and walked over to his desk, taking one of the photo frames that were sitting there off before he started back to me. "Do you remember this?" He asked as he moved his chair close to mine and turned the photo around for me to see.

I gasped, it was a photo of me in one of the school plays that I did around the time that my father started missing all my important events. "Yes," I said softly, wondering why he had the photo.

"I wish I did Amber," he sounded sad. "This was around the time you stopped being my little girl. I wish I could say it was because you were all grown up and didn't need your dad around anymore but I know it was my fault. I became so involved with working here, I stopped living."

I didn't know what to say, but I didn't really feel sorry for him. He could've changed how things were anytime he wanted but he didn't. Not even when I need his support the most, did he back me up. He sent me away, he cut me off from anyone who mattered to me. "I think I should go," I started to stand up but he stopped me.

"You have every right to be mad at me Amber, I'm pretty certain if it wasn't for your mother, you would pretend that I didn't exist." I winched when he said that, it was harsh, even if it was true. "I would not blame you, I haven't been the best father I could have been and there is nothing I can do to change that."

"No there isn't," I told him.

My father closed his eyes and nodded, it was such a simple act, him agreeing with me without arguing.

"What do you want from me father? Do you think I'm going to forgive you for everything you've done to Alexis?" He looked surprised by something when he opened his eyes again. "You have gone out of your way to keep her from her father. Why would you do that? Don't you think she needed her daddy? Don't you think she deserved to have him in her life? Do you hate me that much that you would inflict so much pain on the man I love and our daughter? They never did a damn thing to you!" I turned from him, I didn't want to cry in front of him but I knew it was going to happen.

"I always tried to be the best I could be, I tried to gain your approval all my life but I was never good enough. 'What happened to the other 2% Amber? You can't get into a top rate university like that'. 'Your father can't make it to your play/dance/recital/appointment/graduation Amber, he has an important meeting to attend'. 'We gave you everything you could ever need, how could you go and ruin your life like this? Pregnant at 18, what will all of our friends think?'"

I was past the point of no return now, tears were free flowing down my cheeks dropping on the upturned face of my little girl as she chewed on her fist while she cried with me. "I don't care what your friends think father! I never did, I only ever cared what you thought. But I knew what that was, I wasn't good enough to be your daughter, so you sent me away. Away from the only life I ever knew, away from the only man who ever really loved me. Reed wanted to marry me father, he made me happier than I ever thought was possible. He was going to take me away from here and give me the life I deserved, the love I deserved. But you didn't care about that! All you cared about is your stupid reputation!" I jumped up from the chair, sending it tumbling backwards.

"And now you have the nerve to sit here and play with Alexis? Pretend that everything is fine? It's not fine father! I'm in love with Reed and I can't bring myself to commit to him like he wants because I don't trust myself enough to be with him. I keep thinking he's going to get bored with me and find someone new. I look at everyone around me and I think that there is something missing from my life because I'm not doing anything with mine. I am a mother, that's all I am. To this little girl, I'm everything but when I look in the mirror all I see if a failure because I never lived up to some high expectation that you placed on me." I was sobbing uncontrollably now. I wanted to stop, to get out of there and go back to the life I had. Where I was happy hiding from myself. "I...I..." I took a deep breath and stared him straight in his tear filled red eyes. "I hate you." I sobbed, "I hate you but most of all I hate myself for still seeking your approval." I was shaking so badly as I admitted that, I was so afraid I was going to drop Alexis, even though I almost had a death grip on her.

"Amber..." my father lifted his hands to me, he wasn't crying but he looked like he was about too.

I backed up, shaking my head. "No, we have to go." I spun around, walking towards the door as I spoke softly to Alexis. "Please don't cry princess, I promise everything will be ok. I'll figure it all out, I swear." I kissed her forehead, "I love you Alexis."

When I reached the door it opened on it's own, Reed peeked his head in. "Olive said you wanted to -" His eyes narrowed in on Alexis and me, he frowned and pushed into the office, closing the door behind him. "Amber?" He came towards me, "Darling what's wrong?"

Alexis and I both spoke at the same time.

"Da da," she reached for him.

"Oh Reed," I whispered as his arms slipped around my waist. I held onto him as best I could with Alexis in my arms.

"Shhh my darling, please don't cry. Tell me what's wrong."

"Reed I -" My father's phone buzzed and it made me jump.

"What were you saying? Why are you here? Is something wrong?" Reed asked while my father moved to answer his phone.

I wiped some of the tears from my cheek, "Alexis and I came to say good bye to you."

His arms fell from my waist, "What?" He glanced back and forth between the both of us. "Why?" he asked, hoarsely.

"I'm sorry Amber, Reed but Mr Berkens' team is here for their appointment."

I glared at my father.

Reed groaned, "I can't make it Carl, I have to talk to Amber."

I waited for my father to tell him 'too bad' but he didn't. He nodded and said he understood, "But your father won't."

"Then screw him!" Reed snarled, "I have to talk to Amber."

My father grabbed some stuff from his desk, "Ok I'll just have Olive bring me your presentation," he told Reed.

"Reed, you should go." I told him once my father was gone.

"No," he shook his head. "I can't have you leaving while I'm in there. We have to talk Amber, I've been a prick the last couple days and that got in the way."

I didn't argue with him, and he didn't expect me too. "But you have to go present this account Reed, you know my father isn't prepared; if he messes this up he could lose his job, or you could."

Reed shrugged, "Darling you are more important to me than this place. And your father has been around so long, he's dangerous to my father if he were to let him go."

Even though I believed him, I didn't want him to miss this meeting, something told me it would be a mistake if he did. "We won't leave."

"What?"

"Alexis and I, we won't leave town until after we talk. We'll go back to your place and wait for you to get home."

"Amber -"

"Reed."

He sighed, "Fine. But I want you to know, I rather spend the next couple hours dealing with what's come between us."

I nodded, "I know."

Reluctantly, he left my father's office.

Alexis and I stayed in there for a few more minutes to make ourselves look presentable again, then we left.

I wanted Reed to go to the meeting, not only because I felt him missing it would be a mistake. But it gave me time to figure out what I wanted from him and how I was going to explain how I've been feeling.

It surprised me how much my rant at my father helped me breakthrough some of the mental blocks that I had built up. I had an idea of what I wanted.

So I went to check into it.

Another One Bites The Dust

I believe I misunderstood when he told me where we were having dinner. I thought for sure he said we were going to my parents' house but it was his parents' house that he pulled up to that evening. Dinner with both our parents was bad enough but having that dinner at his parents' house, where I had no means of escaping? It was downright scary.

"It won't be that bad," Reed whispered in my ear as we were led through to the living room. I tried to give him a smile but I couldn't. "I'll be here to protect you darling, if they get out of hand."

That made me feel a lot better, I stopped him to give him a kiss on the cheek before we entered the room. "Thank you Reed, you have no idea what that means to me."

Everything seemed to be going alright, we had drinks - well they had drinks, Reed and I had soda. Then we were led into the dining room for dinner. Conversation up to this point focused mainly on the men's work and our mother's social calendar, which I pretty much left me out completely. I tried to ask questions but after a few puzzled 'you should know this' looks, I gave up.

It was around the time that the main course was served that I finally felt included in the conversation. I had excused myself right after the salad plates were cleared, Alexis was getting sleepy so I went to put her down so she could nap. "You are so lucky you aren't expected to sit through the rest of dinner snuggle bug."

I stayed with her for as long as I could without appearing rude. When I returned to the dining room, they were just starting to serve the main course. "Did she put up much of a fight?" Reed asked as I took my seat next to him. He had wanted to go with me to put her down but he was pretty much told that he didn't need to go by his father. I knew that he was upset by this but he didn't say anything.

"She was wishing me luck on the rest of dinner as she gave me that 'I'm glad it's you not me' look," I whispered.

He laughed, "She did, did she?" Slipping an arm around my shoulders he kissed my cheek, "I'm sure you'll be just fine Berrylynn."

I could feel all eyes on us but I didn't care, I reached up to caress his cheek. "Only because you are here with me," I told him.

We started to eat the main course, which was beef. And that's when things changed focus.

"It sure was a surprise to see you the other morning Amber," his mother said. "I'm so glad that you brought Alexis here to spend time with Reed this week. Just seeing her a couple hours on the weekend isn't enough."

I wanted to say it should be enough seeing that's all he's really seen her while we've been here, but I bit my tongue and smiled. "Alexis was missing Reed and since he couldn't come down, it seemed like a good idea to come here to visit."

"I'm very grateful that you did Amber," Reed slipped his hand onto my thigh and gave it a gentle squeeze.

"What have you done since you've been here?" His mother asked, "Have you been to the house yet?"

"No mother we haven't, there really hasn't been that much time yet."

His father scoffed, "Nonsense! You just had the morning off! What did you do that was more important than showing Amber the house?"

Reed tensed a little, "We had other things that we needed to deal with father. I'll show her the house soon."

"Sooner the better Reed, you don't want Amber moving into a house that isn't set up! It's just not acceptable!" His mother shook her head, "I think it's just silly that you shell out all that extra money when you have a house that you two can live in just sitting there empty."

"Amber honey," my mother cut in as soon as Lucinda stopped talking. "I know a few really wonderful interior designers that will be more than happy to help you with the house."

"I'd recommend Nancy from Life of Design myself," Lucinda piped up. "She just did such an amazing job with the Maxwell's house last month. Their home is going to be featured in Today's Designer Homes next month!"

I stared at the both of them. When did I say we were moving here? Glancing at Reed I was surprised to see that he was actually smiling as he listened to them go on. Does he think that's what is happening here? Does he believe that we are coming back here to live?

"No Lucinda, that's not the kind of design Amber and Reed would be looking for. They'll need something that is baby friendly, for Alexis and all the other future grandchildren they'll give us."

"Oh! I just had the most wonderful idea Lenore." Lucinda leaned over the table a little. "How about Zoe from Livable Design for the baby's room? She just redid the First Steps Daycare a couple months ago and all the parents have had nothing but great things to say about the new design."

"Ladies please!" My father cut into their conversation. "I'm sure Amber would rather choose for herself who she lets decorate the house."

"Well of course she'll choose Carl!" My mother shook her head at him, she had this amused look on her face. "We are just throwing out names for her."

I looked across the table at my father, I was so happy he stopped them from going on. I wished I was close enough to him to actually thank him. He caught my look, he smiled at me and then said. "Maybe Amber has her own ideas about what she'd like to do with the house; she could do it herself." I raised my brow at this comment, did my father actually utter those words? Did he say I could do something?

"Carl!" My mother rolled her eyes, "Amber is not going to spend all that time decorating the ho-"

"You are right, I'm not." I cut in. "Since I don't live there, why would I waste my time?"

Reed's father looked up from his plate, "Of course you don't live there now Amber! You'll want to have the house ready for when you and the baby move back. There's no sense in putting it off until you have all your stuff with you, you may not even want most of it with the new design."

Laying my fork down by my plate, I looked him directly in the eyes. "Who said we were ever moving back here?" His father broke away from my stare to look at Reed and I did too. "Reed?"

He glared at his parents before he turned to me. "It's no surprise that I would like you to move back here Amber, to live with Alexis and me in the house. I've told you that before." He shrugged, "I don't see why we can't do that."

"Maybe the fact that I don't fit in here anymore Reed has something to do with it. I have a life that isn't here, Alexis has a life that isn't here."

His father grunted, "A life that my son pays for!"

"I never asked Reed to pay for a damn thing!" I snapped at his father.

"But you didn't turn it down either!" He snapped back. "Stop being a spoiled, selfish little brat; move back here and live in the house that he bought for you and the baby!"

I couldn't believe his father spoke to me like that. "Reed?" I looked to him for support.

There was a sadness in his eyes as he looked back at me. "I don't see why you don't want to be here Amber; I want you to be here."

"Reed you know why I-"

"No Amber I don't, you won't tell me what's going on. You say you love me and that you want to be with me but you are holding back from me and I don't know why." He looked away from me, looked down at his plate. "Is it Chris?"

"Chris?" For a moment I didn't know what he was talking about, I had forgotten about Chris. "No! It's not Chris, it's not anyone else. Reed, I..." I trailed off, I didn't want to have this conversation with our parents watching. "I don't think now is the time to talk about this."

Reed went to say something but my father cut him off. "Amber is right, now is not the time to talk about it. Some things are better left private." For the second time in less than an hour, my father was on my side, what the hell is going on?

"Fine," Reed snapped as he jabbed his fork at the vegetables on his plate. "We'll talk about it later."

But we didn't, at least not when we got home that night. He was still upset and locked himself in his office for the rest of the night. I went to bed and ended up sleeping alone, he never came to bed.

He was up and gone before I got up and I didn't hear from him all day. When he arrived home tonight, he barely said a word to me but he was all smiles for Alexis. Once she was in bed, he locked himself in his office again.

I woke up alone this morning...he was gone to work.

I think it's time Alexis and I went home.

Surprise, I Still Love You

Is it possible to want something so bad that you end up screwing it all up? Or is it not meant to be if it doesn't seem to be working out? Or is it just me being so scared to take a chance, to fight for something that could ever well be everything I'm looking for in this life.

I don't have a clue, I wish I did.

I also wish that yesterday ended better than it did.

It started off so promising, I woke up with Reed and he didn't have to go to work. We had breakfast together and then he asked if it would be alright if he took Alexis out for a while; he had something he wanted to do with her. When I had told him that it would take me a few minutes to get ready, he gave me this puzzled look before he clued in what I meant. "Oh, I just meant Alexis."

"What?"

He gave me a half hearted smile, "I just want to spend sometime with Alexis."

I said, "oh ok." What else could I say? But as soon as they were gone the feelings I had the night before came back again. As I look back, I realize that I felt alone. I felt that I didn't belong here in this life anymore. I honestly thought that Reed would want to spend time with me too on his day off and the fact that pretty much the first thing he did was tell me he wanted to be alone with Alexis hurt. I know it's probably silly to have thought about it that way but I did.

While they were gone, I just sat around here, waiting. Then I posted here until they came back.

He was very secretive about what they did while they were out and of course Alexis couldn't tell me. Nor did he say anything an hour later before he disappeared for a good 20 minutes.

When he returned Alexis and I were in the kitchen. "What are you doing?" He asked me.

I glanced over my shoulder at him, "I'm looking for something to eat, I'm hungry." I turned my attention back to the cup broads but there wasn't really anything in there that I was craving.

"Let's go out for lunch."

I shook my head, I didn't want to go anywhere with him. I know it was silly but I was upset he didn't tell me where we took our daughter earlier. I figured if he wanted to go out, then he could but I wasn't and I told him that.

"Stop being so stubborn Amber! Just come with us and we'll have lunch." He picked Alexis up and started out of the kitchen.

"Have fun," I called out after him as I searched through the fridge.

He didn't say anything to me and when I looked over my shoulder I saw he was gone. I just shrugged and pulled out a bottle of jam that was sitting in the fridge. Mmmm, peanut butter and jam sandwiches! I haven't had them in a while, I thought as I got the rest of the ingredients out on the counter. When I went to get a knife I as the toaster and smiled, even better! Toasted PB & J!

I was whistling happily as I plugged in the toaster, I was really looking forward to eating the sandwich. I stretched out my arm to reach for the bag of bread but came up empty. "What the...? Oh," I smiled up at Reed. "Can I have that back please?"

"No," He snapped. "Stop this nonsense and come for lunch with Alexis and me."

I glared at him, "Why don't you just stay here and get something to eat with us? Why do you have to go out? Is being here with us too much for you?"

Reed rolled his eyes, "Of course it's not! I just thought we could all go out for lunch. Why are you making a big deal out of this?"

"I don't want to go out for lunch," I told him.

He shook his head, "I don't believe you. I think you are just being stubborn because I wouldn't tell you what Alexis and I did, or where I went a few minutes ago. It's just plain silly Amber."

"Then tell me where you went!"

"Come for lunch with us."

We stood there locked in a staring contest like we were little kids. I felt so stupid so I looked away first. "Reed, I -" I gasped as he picked me up and threw me over his shoulder. "Reed put me down!" He didn't say anything, he just walked. Out of the kitchen, down the hall to the front door. "Reed?"

He opened the door and carried me out to his car. "Reed, I'm not dressed to go anywhere! I don't even have shoes on!" I cried.

"Well then you shouldn't have been so stubborn!" He said as he slammed the door shut and ran around to the driver's side. I was about to open the door when he started it up and slipped it into reverse.

"Reed! I'm not ready to go anywhere!" I sobbed. I knew it was my own fault but I couldn't believe he was seriously going to make me go somewhere without even letting me brush my hair.

Stopped the car Reed slammed it into park. "Ten minutes," he said.

"What?" I looked at him.

He turned his head my way, his brown eyes were almost black, his whole expression seemed to be one of anger and disappointment. "I said 'ten minutes'. To do whatever you need to do to go to lunch with us."

I nodded as I opened the door. "Oh Amber?" I glanced back over my shoulder at him. "If you change, make sure to put on something you'll be comfortable in."

I went to ask him what he meant but he glanced at his watch, "Right, ten minutes."

Hopping out of the car, I didn't even notice the roughness of the pavement under my feet, I was too lost in my own thoughts to notice. Once inside, I quickly ran to his room, into the bathroom and stripped off all my clothes. As quickly as I could, I washed up and ran back into the bedroom to get dressed. Dressing comfortable as Reed said wasn't a difficult thing to do; all my clothes were of the comfortable kind.

With a minute to spare, I found myself opening his car door and sliding in. "Thank you," I said, clicking my seat belt in place.

He sat there giving me the once over before he nodded and eased the car into the midday traffic.

As we drove, I tried to figure out where he was taking us but one by one he slowly eliminated all the places I thought we would go as he drove pass them. We were nearing the end of town and I began to wonder if he was going to be leaving town for lunch. Which wouldn't make sense seeing all the really good places to eat where in town.

Just before the city limits sign, he made a right hand turn onto Lake shore Drive, I quickly tried to think of places there to eat but all I could think of were high end restaurants; certainly not 'comfy' clothes places.

He made another right hand turn into a parking lot and found a spot. Without saying anything to me, he shut off the car and got out to walk around to my side. He held out his hand for me when he opened the door and like it always did, that gesture made me smile. "So where are we having lunch?" I asked him, I was standing so close to him I had to tilt my head back to look up at him.

"You'll see," he replied while making his way to the back door to get Alexis out of her car seat. "Won't she Princess?" Alexis giggled, which made Reed smile. "Yeah, I know you think it's cool but will mommy?" We started to walk around the back of the car when he stopped me and gave me Alexis. "I have to get something."

Pressing a button on his remote, the trunk popped open to reveal exactly what he had planned for lunch. "Oh my!" I gasped as the aroma of what was hidden in the basket drifted up and tickled my senses. "You..." I couldn't think of anything to say when I looked at his smiling face.

"Yes, me." He pulled the basket and the cooler out of the trunk and started towards the road.

Beyond the road was one of the parks in town. It was actually the biggest with a picnic area ( BBQ pits, tables and trash cans), a playground (swings, sandbox, slides, and other play items), there was a jogging trail that ran though it. But the part I loved about this park was the lake in the middle and the trees that were scattered throughout it. There were more times than I cared to mention when I sat on the border of this lake just staring off into space as I tried to get a handle on whatever was going on in my life. Just like right now, I thought.

"Reed, I...oh!" I wasn't watching where I was going and I walked right into him. "I'm sorry." He smiled but didn't say anything, he just placed the basket and the cooler on the ground. Opening the basket he pulled out a blanket and spread it out. After helping me sit down, he lowered his body onto the blanket and stared at me.

"What?" I asked him nervously.

"Do you remember the last time we were here?"

I nodded, I did remember. It was a couple days before I found out I was pregnant, I had snuck out of my house like we had planned. I think I was grounded for some reason. We met here around midnight, he had food and drinks for us, just like he did today. "We talked about what we wanted for the future," I said softly.

"We talked about our future together."

That night he told me that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. "I love you very much Amber," he whispered in my ear as he held me tight. "Until you came into my life, I thought that love was for fools." His arms loosened around me, he looked down at me. "I want you to know that I'm going to ask your father for his blessing, for your hand in marriage."

I was happy then, I could see all my dreams coming true. But we all know what happened just a few days later. I don't even know if he ever did talk to my father about marrying me.

I sighed, "Yeah things have turned out a lot different than planned." We both turned to Alexis, who was crawling around the edge of the blanket, lifted up the corners and peeking underneath. "I wouldn't change what happened."

"I would," Reed jumped in. When I frowned at him, he clarified. "I wouldn't change anything with Alexis, but I would change the way I reacted. Amber, if I could go back and relive the moment you told me about her, I would have been different. We would be different." His eyes travelled back to Alexis, "And our daughter would have my name."

"Is that important?" I asked, "Do you feel cheated because her last name isn't Johnson?"

He stretched out on the blanket, "I would've liked it if she did have my name." He smiled at me, "It doesn't bother me that she has yours, I just wish there wasn't a..." he paused; he seemed to be trying to gather his thoughts. Finally he continued, "I wish that we spent the last year and a half building our life together Amber. I don't like that Alexis and you aren't around all the time, I miss you two so much when I come back here. Everything seems to empty."

I knew what he meant, I felt that way too when he wasn't around, or when he was and wasn't spending time with us. "It's difficult when we don't live here Reed. Alexis and I have a life elsewhere."

"But it doesn't have to be that way," he sat up and moved in closer to me. "Amber please come home, let us have that future we talked about the last time we were here."

"Reed..."

He took my face in his hands and as he stared into the dept of my soul he seemed to speak to my heart. "I love you Amber, not a day goes by when I don't think about you and how extremely happy you make me. I know I've done some stupid things in the past but I promise that I will do everything I can to give you the life you deserve. I promise to love you like you crave to be loved." He tilted his head towards me, "Will you marry me my love?"

My hand reached out to stroke his cheek, "Reed I -"

"Wait," Reed stopped me. "I know that it maybe a little too soon to be asking you, we haven't had a chance to work through all the issues of the past and the ones that seem to have popped up recently. I want you to know that as much as I would love to have your answer right now, I want you to take your time, I need you to be sure of how you feel."

"Reed - "

"Shhh my darling," he held a finger over my lips. "I don't have a ring. Well," he chuckled. "I do have a ring, one that I picked out for you the day after your father said he would be happy to 'give' you to me in marriage."

I groaned at his wording, "I -"

"I don't want you to say 'yes' and not have the ring to give to you Amber. I don't think th-"

I kissed him, that seemed to be the only way to stop him from rambling. "Reed," I pulled back from him. "I don't care if you have a ring or not, I don't even care if you have my father's blessing or not. All I care about is how I feel right now."

"And how is that?" He sounded a little unsure if he wanted to know how I felt.

"Reed," I sighed and he cringed. "It's not that bad," I told him.

"How bad is it?" He asked.

"I love you Reed, we both know that so there would be no point in denying it."

He nodded, "But?"

I shrugged, "But...I'm not going to lie to you. I'm scared. I don't know what I'm doing and the thoughts of entering into a relationship with you without knowing who I am makes me feel like I'm dooming us before we even get started."

"You don't want to marry me." It was more of a statement than a question.

"No Reed!" I wrapped my arms around him, "I want to marry you! I want to be your wife and have your..." I glanced at Alexis and laughed. "More of your babies."

Reed grinned but then it disappeared. "If that's the case then why all the doom and gloom talk?"

"I don't want to disappoint you Reed but I feel that the way I am now, I would disappoint you."

He tried to tell me I wouldn't disappoint him but I knew that I did already, the night before proved that to me. I knew I needed to figure out how to get rid of the feelings that over took me on Sunday.

I went to say something about what was going on that night when Alexis crawled over to the basket and started to pull on it. "I think someone is hungry," he said while he went to stop her. Conversation soon turned to everyday topics where it was easy to have an autopilot response.

We spent a couple hours just playing in the park after lunch, by the time we left Alexis was out like a light. The drive home was pretty uneventful, we continued talking about frivolous things.

After we put Alexis in her crib, Reed told me that we were invited to dinner with both our parents at my parents' house. I didn't really want to do but I knew there was no getting out of it.

Right now, I wish I tried harder to stay home...