No Time Bombs Allowed

This past weekend my soon to be in laws renewed their wedding vows in a beautifully decorated room at the clubhouse.

The one thing that surprised me about the ceremony was the fact that it was a very intimate affair. I expected Lucinda to have invited everyone under the sun and their offspring but she didn't, she kept it very private. Besides Sean, Reed, me and Alexis only Reed's grandmother and a handful of relatives and close family friends were on the guest list. There may have been thirty people tops in the room and that was almost too many if you were standing along side Lucinda as she waited for the ceremony to start.

"I'm so nervous," she giggled like a little school girl. "You would think this is the first time I stood before everyone and pledge my love for that man."

I smiled, "Well it is the first time your boys got to see you do it."

"My boys," she sighed happily. "I'm so glad Sean is here to share this day with us. I just wish he would've let me set him up with someone, I don't like that he's alone. I want him to know the happiness that his father and brother both feel."

"Don't worry about Sean," I told her. "I'm sure he has plenty of women he can choose from, after all he is a Johnson."

"Why AmberLynn!" Lucinda gasped as she turned to stare at me. "I do believe those stars in your eyes have blinded you to the dislike you felt for my family."

I shrugged, "What happened is in the past Lucinda, why dwell on it? Reed loves me and he wants to spend his life with me, why shouldn't I be happy to be apart of his family? I thought that all issues we had with each other have been resolved, was I wrong?"

"Of course not!" She gave me a hug. "Roger and I are very happy that you and Reed are moving forward. Why just the other night, Roger told me that he hoped you two didn't wait too long to have another grandchild, he swore he would do right by you two the next time around." She smiled, "I just think he wants more babies running around, these last couple days he has spent with Alexis has really softened him - he's been trying to get her to call him 'papa' but she looks around the room every time he says it.

"She is looking for my dad," I told her. "He's 'papa' to her. We'll have to come up with some other name for him for her to use."

Lucinda seemed a little disappointed but what could I do? It took too long for him to come around, I wasn't going to confuse Alexis and insist on her calling Roger 'papa' when she associated that word with my dad.

During the ceremony, I was seated between Reed and Sean. Alexis was seated on my lap at the beginning, she was playing 'peekaboo' with Uncle Sean and giggling but soon that wasn't enough, she wanted to be up with him. It was so cute to see Sean holding her, he looked a little unsure of what he was doing but she looked really happy to be up with him.

I managed to hold it together for most of the ceremony, even though I was picturing Reed and I up there instead of his parents. When Lucinda and Roger were reciting the vows they wrote for each other, I started to tear up. I didn't think I was going to cry until Reed wrapped his arms around me.

"Soon that will be us," he whispered. "I can't wait for that day either, I want to tell the world how much I love you." He paused as his lips brushed my cheek. "I already have an idea what I want to say to you that day my love."

"You do?" I was surprised, the date we had tossed around wasn't for another 8 months, how could be possibly know what he wanted to say.

"Mmmhmm," he nodded. "I've known for a while what I wanted to say to you on the happiest day of our lives."

"What is it?"

He chuckled, "I can't tell you now Amber, you aren't wearing white or standing in front of a priest."

"I could fix that," I told him as I pretended to move to get up. He laughed and held me tight. "Ok," I sighed, "I guess I can wait."

In all, the ceremony and reception that followed went off as perfectly as Lucinda had planned. The only part of the night that had the potential to get out of hand happened just after the ceremony. Reed and I were standing with Sean when Devon came up to speak with us, he didn't get 'hello' out before Sean mentioned Janie.

"I hear you two broke up," he stated. "What happened?"

Devon, obviously taken back by the question, stared at Sean for a few seconds before calmly telling him to mind his own business and not to believe everything he hears. "Janie and I aren't done."

I'm not sure what Sean was trying to do when he asked about Janie, he wouldn't tell Reed or I when we asked but since Janie told me what happened with him the day she sprained her ankle, I was starting to wonder if Sean had his sights set on Janie.

And if he did, what did that mean? Would he really pursue someone who is clearing mixed up about what she's looking for in a relationship? What would happen if they did date? Would it drive a wedge between Devon and Reed, would it ruin their friendship?

I like all three of them - Sean, Janie and Devon - it's hard to know that there is a potential for something to happen, something to go wrong and not do anything to try and stop it.

But that's what I'm going to do - nothing. I get the feeling that getting mixed up in whatever could happen with them won't turn out well for me or Reed. I don't wish for anything to ruin Reed and I, we deserve the happiness we feel right now.

I just hope everyone else can find the same happiness we feel...

Darkness And Light

Last night Reed and I were in bed, he was reading some book that he picked up a couple weeks ago and I was curled up with my back to him as I tried to sleep - I needed sleep. It had been a long week, Alexis picked up a cold at work so she was very clingy and whiny, she didn't want to do anything but be up with me. Even Reed couldn't get her to go with him and we all know how much Alexis loves her daddy.

After a half hour of laying there listening to the voices in my head go on and on about not obsessing about whether or not he was ever going to ask me to marry him - yes, I was still thinking about it, it was continuous cycle. One minute I was all 'oh he loves me and wants to marry me, he is just waiting for the right moment', I would go on about my day but later I would be thinking 'but you told him you needed time, what if he thinks that you don't want to even talk about marriage anytime soon?'

Oh stop it! I took a deep breath and let it out. Just stop it, he knows that you love him and -

"Amber is everything ok?" I felt Reed move behind me as I froze. Oh crap, I thought. Did I say something out loud? "Amber?"

I intended on quickly glancing over my shoulder, telling him that everything was fine and then go back to trying to sleep but when I saw the concern on his face, I sighed. "No, everything isn't ok," I told him. "I need to talk to you about something,"

"Ummm," for a moment there was a hint of surprise in his eyes before the worry pushed it all away. He marked his page in the book before dropping it on his nightstand. "Ok," he turned back to me. "What's on your mind darling?"

"Well," I sighed once again as I pushed myself into a sitting position beside him. "This is probably going to sound crazy but..."

He raised a brow slightly but didn't say anything.

"See the thing is..." I bit my lip nervously as I stared at him. "Well it's just that..." I frowned, I couldn't think of a way to say what was on my mind without blurting out 'are you ever going to marry me!'

"Amber come on," he took my hand in his and held it on his lap. "Please tell me what it is, you are scaring me a little here." He chuckled as if he was joking but the look he gave me told me he was serious, I was giving him a reason to worry.

"But I don't want to worry you," I replied. "I just...I mean...well..." I stopped, gave him a slight smile and shrugged. "It doesn't want to come out coherently it seems."

"Just say whatever it is Amber."

"Well," I pulled my hand from his, ignoring the frown when I did so. I moved in as close as I could to him, my hand slipped up over his arm to rest against his cheek. "I love you so much, do you know that?"

He smiled, "I love you too Amber."

"Yeah," I beamed. "But -"

His face fell. "But?"

"No," I stopped him from saying anything else. "It's not a bad but."

"Well a but at all after I tell you I love you can't be good Amber." He started to draw away from me.

"No," I grabbed his arm. "It's not a bad thing," I insisted. "It's not!" He didn't look convinced. "This isn't going the way I want," I groaned.

He stared down at me for a couple seconds before he asked me how I wanted this to go.

"I wanted you to know that I love you," I told him. "I wanted to tell you how much you meant to me, how my life without you was dark and lonely. I don't ever want to be that way again Reed, I don't ever want to be somewhere without you." I paused but he remained quiet, his normally expressive eyes unreadable. I didn't know if he was getting what I was saying or not, I started to panic a little. "There isn't a day that goes by that I don't thank God for the love and the joy you brought into my life. You've been patient when I was determined to push you away. You've been loving when I wanted to hate you. You've been understanding when I told you I needed to do things my way when I moved back here. You've loved me despite all my efforts to destroy any chance we had together."

He stared at me when I stopped, I was sniffing as tears rolled down my face, I knew I looked like a mess. He looked like he was thinking something over. Slowly he nodded but still didn't say anything.

And then he pushed back the covers and got out of bed.

"Reed!" I cried out as he walked towards our closet. "Please don't go," I begged as I started to sob. I didn't know what was going on, I didn't think that what I told him would make him mad. What went wrong? I asked myself as my eyes remained focused on the closet where he disappeared. He can't be leaving me!

I was in the middle of jumping out of bed when he reappeared, "Don't." He said when he saw me. "Stay where you are."

"I didn't mean to upset you," I told him as he crossed the room to rejoin me. "I was just -"

He kissed me softly, "I'll take over from here my love."

"Take over?" I frowned.

He suddenly seemed really nervous. "I've been waiting for the perfect moment," he told me. "I thought I wanted everyone around us but I chickened out at your father's birthday."

"Chickened out?" I repeated in confusion.

"Yeah," he gave me a lopsided grin. "I was nervous, I thought I knew exactly how I wanted it, I thought I had the right words but whenever I saw you, I couldn't even think."

"Couldn't think?" I was lost. "Reed what are you talking about?"

"You!" He exclaimed. "I'm talking about you my darling Berrylynn. The mother of my little girl, the strong woman who took her life in her own hands and wouldn't let me have my stubborn way when it mattered the most." He chuckled. "The woman who came crashing through the bushes, crashing what had to be the worse birthday ever, only to turn my life upside down with just a smile."

"Well I..." my voice trailed off as he pulled his hand from behind his back. Holding his hand out to me, he turned it palm up to reveal a small black box. My jaw dropped, I kept looking back and forth between his hand and his eyes.

"You said all the words I was thinking," he lifted his free hand to my cheek; I closed my eyes for a moment as his knuckles brushed my skin. "I thank God for every look, every smile and every touch. I thank Him for bringing such a beautiful loving woman into my life when I had lost all hope of ever finding the perfect woman for me."

He opened the box to reveal the ring that I was drooling over that say in the mall. "Oh my," I gasped, my eyes jumped to his handsome face.

"I love you with all my heart and soul Amber. You gave me so much when I didn't think I deserved it. I want to walk hand in hand with you through this life. I want to wake up every morning and go to sleep every night knowing that I'm holding true happiness in my arms. I want..." His voice broke, he lowered his head for a brief second before lifting it again. Through the tears that lit up his eyes, he took my hand in his. "I want to hold you forever AmberLynn. Will you let me? Will you marry me my love?"

"Yes!" I wrapped my hand around his neck, pulling his head down to me. "Yes!" I cried happily as his lips captured mine.

Disappointment

Like many of you, I thought that maybe, just maybe there was something suspicious about the party for my father and Reed's behaviour at the beginning of the week. Unfortunately, we were all wrong. Nothing exciting happened this past weekend.

Is it wrong to be disappointed?

I know I shouldn't be, especially since the day that my called me about the lack of reply to the invitation that she sent out for father's party, I found the 'missing' invitation in on Reed's desk in his office at home. When I asked him about it after work he told me that he already told my father that we would be there so he didn't see the point in returning the card to my mother. As for telling me about it? He said he figured that I knew about it since it was for my father.

Along with the invitation, I also found the receipt for his mini golf outing with Sean.

But damn it, I still held onto the hope that something special was going to happen this past weekend. But nothing did...and now I'm a little depressed.

I feel that my life as become pretty boring now - not that I'm not enjoying it - but unlike before, i can't seem to get the energy to post here and make mundane topics seem exciting. I'm hoping that soon I'll have something exciting to talk about....like maybe a wedding? ~crosses my fingers~

Let Me Know - It Won't Hurt, I Promise

Last Sunday Reed told me that he was going golfing with Sean and that we would meet up at the club for lunch. After I posted the last entry here, Alexis and I went down to the club. We arrived about twenty minutes early so I figured that we would sit overlooking the course until it was time to meet the guys for lunch.

As we made our way up the staircase to the observation area we ran into some of my father's friends, I stopped to talk to them for a couple minutes before telling them what Alexis and I were heading off to do.

"Amber my dear, I haven't seem Reed all morning," one of them told me. "Are you sure he was playing here? Not many people have been out on the course today, it's getting too cold to golf."

"I'm pretty certain that's what he said."

"Well maybe he snuck by us," one joked as they moved on down the stairs.

We made our way up the rest of the stairs and to the observation room where I gazed out over the course but I couldn't see much activity on the course. We sat there for a couple minutes before making our way back down and out to the Jeep so that I could give Reed a call. I tried him a couple times but each time there was no answer. I was a little upset. I wondered why on earth he would tell me he was going to be at the club when he wasn't.

Ten minutes later I was still sitting in the Jeep, debating going home and waiting for him to call or show up, when I saw his car pull into a parking space three spots down and one over from where I was. I sat back in my seat with my arms crossed as I watched Sean and him get out and head towards the club.

They had to pass right in front of the Jeep on their way to the club. They were so into whatever they were talking about that they didn't see me - at first. They had just passed the Jeep when Sean stopped dead in his tracks, glanced over his shoulder as he spoke to Reed, who spun around with a guilty look on his face.

"How was the game?" I asked him when he opened the driver's door.

"It was damn cold," he exclaimed with a smile. "We decided to head down to the mall for a game of mini gold instead." I remained still and silent. "Amber," he pouted as he tugged on my arms that were still crossed over my chest. "Please don't be upset."

I closed my eyes and sighed. "Why didn't you give me a call to let me know? We could've just met there and had lunch."

He raised a brow, "I didn't want to interrupt your cuddling time with my pillow?" He leaned in and grinned, "Did you keep some loving for me?"

I laughed, "You'll just have to find out when you get home," I told him as I turned to get out of the Jeep. "Alexis is hungry," I giggled when his arms came around my waist and he nuzzled my neck.

"Oh ok," he groaned as he released me. "But we'll finish this later!"

And oh boy did we! We both slept really well Sunday night - so well that we were both later getting up for work on Monday!

I got off the phone with my mother a few minutes before I started this post and I'm still shaking my head at the conversation.

"Hello Amber," she greeted me when I answered the phone. "I was just checking over the guest list that Elsa prepared for this weekend and I was shocked that neither Reed nor you name was on the list. Why is that Amber?"

I frowned, Elsa was my mother's 'aide' - why my mother needed an 'aide' was beyond me but I just went along with it. "Well mother, it's probably because I don't know what is supposed to be going on for me to have my name on the list."

"Why it's your father's birthday AmberLynn! Surely you didn't forget!"

I didn't, but I didn't remember it either, if that makes sense. "I didn't know you were having a party for him," I told her. "You didn't tell me about it."

"I did," she stated. "I sent out the invitations to your father's party weeks ago Amber, you should have gotten one."

"Mom, I didn't."

"Well you should have," she sounded upset. "Please tell me that you and Reed will be here? Your father would be very upset if you weren't."

"I'm sure we could rearrange any plans we had to make it to the party mom, I just wish you would've mentioned it to me before this."

"I sent an invitation," she told me and added, "Everyone else got theirs and replied."

I could've stood there with the phone to my ear all day, telling her that I didn't get the invitation but what was the point? I sighed, "Mom we'll be there but next time you have a party, would you please call me and tell me instead of sending me an invitation?"

It's not a difficult concept, mentioning the party to me in one of the many calls she makes to me in a week but she didn't. I know she didn't, I would've remembered. So that makes me wonder if this party was a last minute change of plans on their end, which is more likely than her never mentioning it to me at all.

Sucky thing is, Reed may not be too happy that he's got to dress up and socialize with my parents' friends, people he works with or some of the clients he has to deal with daily. But it's not like we can get out of it, it's my father's birthday. I may not have the best relationship with him but I'm not about to snub him on his birthday.

Well I'm off to work.

Little Messages

Every time I think that there's nothing that could happen to make me happier, Reed does some small thing to let me know he's thinking about me.

This morning he was up early to meet up with Sean for a game of golf at the club. Reed hates to golf but Sean wanted to try it, so he volunteered to go with his brother. "No," he whispered to me when the clock went off at quarter to seven. "You don't have to get up, I'll see you later when you meet us for lunch."

I didn't argue with him, he had me up most of the night making love to me. I was sore and tired, I just wanted to lay in his arms and sleep. Or cuddle up with his pillow since he had to get up. "Have a good game," I mumbled to him when he came over to kiss me good bye.

Once he left, I fell back to sleep. I didn't wake up until just a half hour ago when I heard Alexis calling out. Reluctantly, I got out of bed, threw on some clothes and went to let her know I was awake.

I walked out into the kitchen with her, put her in her high chair while I went to get her breakfast - cheese whiz on toast with milk - when I saw something wrote on the magnetic pad on the fridge. On further inspection, I discovered that it was Reed's hand writing.

"I'm very jealous of my pillow right now," he wrote. "Save some loving for me."

I laughed out loud, Alexis gave me a funny look. "I'm getting your breakfast," I told her as I pulled the door to the fridge open. There was another note in there, it read, "I love you darling."

I just wanted to share that with you all before I headed out to the club to join Reed and Sean for lunch.