Do You Ever Really Know?

I watched Reed as he sat down at my table and pulled his laptop close. He typed some stuff in, clicked through a couple things and then turned to me. “Come here.”

I didn’t want to go over there, I didn’t know if I really wanted him to prove that he did email me, I didn’t know what I would do if I read what he supposedly wrote to me over a year ago. Would seeing the emails change anything?

“Amber?” I turned to look at him, he must have seen the doubt in my eyes because he got up and came over to me. “Darling, I sent you lots of email and I kept every single one of them.” He took my hands in his, gently tugging on my arms to get me to stand up. “Come on, don’t you want to see them?”

I didn’t know what to say, I gave him a helpless look. “It won’t change anything Reed.”

“It might not but at least you’ll know I’m telling you the truth and you’ll know how I truly felt.” He turned away from me and went back to his laptop. “Darling, if you don’t want to read them it’s fine. But,” he pulled a piece of paper out of his notepad and started to write on it. He made his way back over to me and took my hand, “If you ever want to know, here’s my address and password, feel free to check them out.” He stood there gazing down at me, it seemed like he wanted to add something else but he excused himself to go jump in the shower.

I stood frozen in place, I couldn’t believe that he gave me his password. Glancing from the folded piece of paper in my hand to his laptop, I felt torn. Did I want to know? Yes, I did. Did I have the courage to know? That I didn’t know. So I stood there debating it while I tried to look everywhere but at his laptop. My eyes slid over a picture of Alexis when she was just a couple days old, she looked so pretty. You owe it to her to know how he felt, to maybe put some of the hatred towards him behind you and move on with your life.

Taking a deep breath I forced myself towards the table and sat down in the chair that Reed not long ago vacated. Here goes nothing. I scanned the screen, there were so many emails addressed to me, starting from the beginning of last year up until mid summer. Just seeing my name so many times made me anxious to see what he had to say. With a very shaky hand I clicked the first email open.

We need to talk
From: Reed Johnson
Sent: January 23, 2006 4:14:10 PM
To: Amber Sands

Amber

I just came from your house, your father told me that you no longer live there but wouldn’t tell me where you are. What’s going on? Where are you? We need to talk about the baby and our future. Please call me as soon as you get this email, it doesn’t matter what time it is. You know my numbers, call collect if you have too.

Reed

I stared at the screen, he was telling the truth, he did email me. I quickly opened the next one.

Where are you?
From: Reed Johnson
Sent: January 25, 2006 1:51:34 PM
To: Amber Sands

Amber I know you are upset with me but please call me. Reed
You can even email me if you don’t wish to talk.

I opened the next ten or so and they were all practically the same as the second one, all begging me to call him, all telling me that we needed to talk. Then I came across this one.

This is crazy
From: Reed Johnson
Sent: April 5, 2006 3:01:41 AM
To: Amber Sands

Amber

Your failure to even email me is very discouraging but I refuse to give up. We need to talk, you know that and I know that. The only reason I can think of as to why you haven’t contacted me is you are still really upset with me about my behavior when you told me about the baby.

When you told me you were pregnant with my baby my first thought, after I realized you weren’t kidding, was ‘oh no, her father is going to kill me’ followed quickly by ‘am I ready to be a father?’ I’ll admit that I wasn’t thinking of anyone but myself in those first few moments, I knew you wanted reassurance that things would be ok but I didn’t even know if I would be ok. I didn’t know how to handle the news Amber, so I did want I always do when I need to escape something, I went to grab a beer.

While I was getting the beer, Devon came up to me and noticed that I wasn’t looking so good. He was my best friend, so I figured that I could confide in him about the baby. The moment I told him, he asked me if the baby was mine. I laughed in his face and told him of course the baby was mine. Some of the other guys had gathered around us and started to say some horrible things about you, claiming that you’ve been unfaithful to me and the baby wasn’t mine but you were saying it was to ensure it’s future. I didn’t want to believe them but I had my own doubts about your feelings for me.

I can try to make excuses to why I acted so appalling but darling there is no excuse for treating you the way I did. I’m truly sorry for every mean spirited, hurtful word I spoke that night. Every moment you spend ignoring me makes me despise myself even more.

I didn’t know until I came back home that my parents knew about the baby. Joseph told me all about the visit you and your parents made to mine. He told me all about the words my mother said to you and how every one seemed to be blaming you. I’m so sorry I wasn’t there with you, to protect you from all of that. The first thing I did when I saw my parents was to tell them in no uncertain terms that you were carrying my child and I had every intention of being a father to our baby. I told them that when they saw you again, they were going to apologize for their behavior.

When I was finished with my parents I went to see you, I didn’t know you weren’t there anymore. I spoke to your father and demanded he tell me where you were but he refused. He told me that you had no desire to see me and that you weren’t keeping the baby when it was born.

Amber you can’t get rid of our baby! I know I didn’t seem too excited at first but I was so scared, all I could think was ‘I don’t want to be like my father’. Even now, I’m not one hundred percent sure that I won’t screw up but darling I want the chance, I want our baby to know us. I want to watch our child grow and learn and become the best person that he/she could be.

Please call me Amber.

Love,
Reed

After I finished reading I sat back in the chair, took a deep shaky breath and wiped the tears of my cheeks. He wanted to keep the baby, my heart clenched in my chest and I put my hand over it. I felt so weak at that moment, I leaned forward to rest my head on the table. He wanted Alexis, I thought and couldn’t stop the fresh flow of tears that streamed down my cheeks.

I cried for all the sleepless nights and all the morning sickness I had while pregnant, all the times I wished he was there to help me. I cried for the loneliness I felt laying in that cold hospital room while the pains of childbirth reeked havoc on my body. I cried for my little girl who didn’t know her father wasn’t around. I cried for Reed, who missed out on every moment of her life so far. And lastly, I cried for all the anger and hatred for him, which I held inside while it slowly ate away at me.

I didn’t hear Reed as he sunk to his knees on the floor beside me. I barely felt it as he rubbed my back and whispered comforting words to me. I didn’t know anything until he rose to his feet, took me up in his arms and carried me into my room.

He gently placed me in the center of my bed and drew the covers up over my body. “Good night my darling Berrylynn,” he whispered as his lips pressed softly against my wet cheek. He moved away as if to go but I grabbed his hand in mine.

“Please don’t go.”

He gazed down at me, unsure of what to do.

“I don’t want to be alone right now. Please don’t leave me alone Reed.”

The mattress gave way to his weight as he stretched out on top of the blankets on my bed. “I won’t leave you Amber,” he pulled me into his arms and held me as I started to drift off to sleep.