I Think Of You As Family

Last night I went over to Devon's house to sit with Janie for a little while. It's been so difficult to see her since the fire, she doesn't seem like the same Janie I've known most of my life. She seems withdrawn. Devon told me that she's been like that since he brought her home that night.

"She doesn't want to do anything," he told me. "She just wants to sit around watching TV or sleep. I'm worried about her, this can't be healthy."

"Have you tried to get her to go out?"

"Yeah," he nodded. "But the only time she went out was to go to the funeral. She..." he trailed off. He looked so defeated as he stood before me, I wanted to give him a hug and tell him that everything will be ok. "I don't know what to do," he admitted helplessly.

He had a meeting with a client, that's why he called and asked me to sit with her, he didn't want to leave her alone in case she needed something. After I promised to call him if she asked for him, he poked his head into the living to tell her that he was heading out. Janie didn't even acknowledge him, she just stared at the TV.

Once Devon was gone, I walked into the living room and Janie sighed. "He's hovering."

"He's worried about you."

"Yeah," she sniffed. "He's been asking me how I'm doing. I tell him I'm fine but he keeps asking me. Make him stop Amber, tell him to stop asking me how I'm doing. My mom is dead, my dad killed her. How the hell do you think I'm doing? I'm dying inside."

"Janie," I went to her and wrapped an arm around her shoulders. "I'm so sorry that this happened, I wish there was something I could do to change it but I can't."

"I know," she mumbled and then chuckled. "Devon would turn back time if he could, he told me that last night when we were in bed."

"Ummm..."

"It's not what you think," she told me. "We didn't do anything - we haven't done anything - he just holds me and I sleep." She closed her eyes as she took a deep breath. "I'm so tired all the time," she sighed heavily. "If he let me I would sleep all the time but he won't, he gets me up."

"He cares about you," I said softly.

"Mmm," she nodded. "He does."

"And you -"

"I just buried my mom."

That was the extent of our conversation. She started to cry again. When Devon came home, I was sitting on one end of his couch, watching TV, stroking her hair as she rested her head on my lap as she cried. I felt like I was soothing Alexis, is that weird? It seemed like it was a motherly thing to do.

I left Devon's not long after he got home, I don't even think that either one of them noticed that I did. As I drove home, I was glad that Janie let Devon help her out in her time of need. She certainly didn't have any other people to count on besides Reed and me.

I was happy to see my home appear in front of me as I pulled into the driveway. I was feeling a little down from visiting with Janie, I wanted to go find Reed and curl up in his arms. "Reed?" I called as I walked into the dimly lit house. When I left he was watching TV, I guess I expected him to be still in the living room but it seemed like he was already gone to bed. I couldn't help but feel disappointed as I turned off the lights as I headed down the hallway to check on Alexis before going upstairs to cuddle up to his sleeping form.

"Amber." I heard his voice coming from behind me, I turned to see him sitting behind his desk in his office.

"Hey!" I grinned as I made my way into his office. "I'm so glad that you are awake, I..." The look he gave me stopped me from finishing that sentence. "Reed? Honey what's wrong?"

"Come here," he pushed his chair out from the desk. "I have to ask you something."

"Ok," I said hesitantly as I rounded his desk. "What's on your mind?" He leaned back in the chair, his head resting against the head rest as he gazed up at me while his fingers teasingly stroked my fingers. "Reed?" I couldn't make out the look on his face. He didn't look upset but he didn't look happy either.

He gripped my wrist and yanked on my hand, pulling me down onto his lap.

"Reed!" I laughed as he settled me across his lap. I went to kiss him but he held a finger up to my lips. I frowned.

"I came in here to do some work," he told me. "But I decided to check out some stuff online when I stumbled across this -" he turned my head towards the screen.

I gasped as I saw my words staring me right in the face. "I..." I turned back to him, he looked at me with questions in his eyes. "I..."

"I believe you said that already Amber."

"Don't be mad."

He frowned.

"I needed to talk to someone and there was no one around. I wanted to feel like someone cared about what was happening with me. I needed something to stop me from going crazy." He didn't said anything. "Reed you don't know what it was like, I was cut off from everyone I knew and loved. I didn't know anyone and I was lonely so I started to write. People were reading it, they were interested in what was going on with me. I soon started to think of them as my friends."

"But you don't know anything about them Amber! But they know all of our personal business!"

"I know! I came to rely on them, they helped me out when I needed it and they gave advice." He stared at me. "Don't do that," I cried. "You must have read the comments, you know that they were all rooting for you!" I smiled, "They helped me open my eyes when it came to you honey. They made me realize just how lucky I was to have you in my life."

"So you are with me because of them?"

"No!" I laughed. "They just helped me spread the dark clouds of hurt and self doubt to see what I've always thought and felt for you. I'm with you because I love you Reed." I kissed his lips. "And they all love you too!"

He blushed. "I guess it isn't bad after all."

"No," I hugged him tight. "It's all good, it brought us back together again."

"Well," he nibbled at my neck. "In that case, don't you think we should go upstairs and make them proud?"

He led the way and I followed eagerly. Making love to Reed last night was nothing short of earth shattering. With every beat of my heart, I love him more. I don't know where our journey is going to take us. All I know is that I'm extremely grateful to have been given a second chance at happiness.

It's with mixed emotions that I write this entry today. Even though I love all of you guys, who take the time out of your busy schedules to check in on me and give me some help, a kind word or encouragement, I feel that it's time to take the next step. I will miss every single one of you and I will never forget how a group of strangers became my best friends through the written words on a web page.

I hope that you are all proud of the person I have become for you all had a hand in molding me. Thank you.

- AmberLynn

No Time Bombs Allowed

This past weekend my soon to be in laws renewed their wedding vows in a beautifully decorated room at the clubhouse.

The one thing that surprised me about the ceremony was the fact that it was a very intimate affair. I expected Lucinda to have invited everyone under the sun and their offspring but she didn't, she kept it very private. Besides Sean, Reed, me and Alexis only Reed's grandmother and a handful of relatives and close family friends were on the guest list. There may have been thirty people tops in the room and that was almost too many if you were standing along side Lucinda as she waited for the ceremony to start.

"I'm so nervous," she giggled like a little school girl. "You would think this is the first time I stood before everyone and pledge my love for that man."

I smiled, "Well it is the first time your boys got to see you do it."

"My boys," she sighed happily. "I'm so glad Sean is here to share this day with us. I just wish he would've let me set him up with someone, I don't like that he's alone. I want him to know the happiness that his father and brother both feel."

"Don't worry about Sean," I told her. "I'm sure he has plenty of women he can choose from, after all he is a Johnson."

"Why AmberLynn!" Lucinda gasped as she turned to stare at me. "I do believe those stars in your eyes have blinded you to the dislike you felt for my family."

I shrugged, "What happened is in the past Lucinda, why dwell on it? Reed loves me and he wants to spend his life with me, why shouldn't I be happy to be apart of his family? I thought that all issues we had with each other have been resolved, was I wrong?"

"Of course not!" She gave me a hug. "Roger and I are very happy that you and Reed are moving forward. Why just the other night, Roger told me that he hoped you two didn't wait too long to have another grandchild, he swore he would do right by you two the next time around." She smiled, "I just think he wants more babies running around, these last couple days he has spent with Alexis has really softened him - he's been trying to get her to call him 'papa' but she looks around the room every time he says it.

"She is looking for my dad," I told her. "He's 'papa' to her. We'll have to come up with some other name for him for her to use."

Lucinda seemed a little disappointed but what could I do? It took too long for him to come around, I wasn't going to confuse Alexis and insist on her calling Roger 'papa' when she associated that word with my dad.

During the ceremony, I was seated between Reed and Sean. Alexis was seated on my lap at the beginning, she was playing 'peekaboo' with Uncle Sean and giggling but soon that wasn't enough, she wanted to be up with him. It was so cute to see Sean holding her, he looked a little unsure of what he was doing but she looked really happy to be up with him.

I managed to hold it together for most of the ceremony, even though I was picturing Reed and I up there instead of his parents. When Lucinda and Roger were reciting the vows they wrote for each other, I started to tear up. I didn't think I was going to cry until Reed wrapped his arms around me.

"Soon that will be us," he whispered. "I can't wait for that day either, I want to tell the world how much I love you." He paused as his lips brushed my cheek. "I already have an idea what I want to say to you that day my love."

"You do?" I was surprised, the date we had tossed around wasn't for another 8 months, how could be possibly know what he wanted to say.

"Mmmhmm," he nodded. "I've known for a while what I wanted to say to you on the happiest day of our lives."

"What is it?"

He chuckled, "I can't tell you now Amber, you aren't wearing white or standing in front of a priest."

"I could fix that," I told him as I pretended to move to get up. He laughed and held me tight. "Ok," I sighed, "I guess I can wait."

In all, the ceremony and reception that followed went off as perfectly as Lucinda had planned. The only part of the night that had the potential to get out of hand happened just after the ceremony. Reed and I were standing with Sean when Devon came up to speak with us, he didn't get 'hello' out before Sean mentioned Janie.

"I hear you two broke up," he stated. "What happened?"

Devon, obviously taken back by the question, stared at Sean for a few seconds before calmly telling him to mind his own business and not to believe everything he hears. "Janie and I aren't done."

I'm not sure what Sean was trying to do when he asked about Janie, he wouldn't tell Reed or I when we asked but since Janie told me what happened with him the day she sprained her ankle, I was starting to wonder if Sean had his sights set on Janie.

And if he did, what did that mean? Would he really pursue someone who is clearing mixed up about what she's looking for in a relationship? What would happen if they did date? Would it drive a wedge between Devon and Reed, would it ruin their friendship?

I like all three of them - Sean, Janie and Devon - it's hard to know that there is a potential for something to happen, something to go wrong and not do anything to try and stop it.

But that's what I'm going to do - nothing. I get the feeling that getting mixed up in whatever could happen with them won't turn out well for me or Reed. I don't wish for anything to ruin Reed and I, we deserve the happiness we feel right now.

I just hope everyone else can find the same happiness we feel...

Darkness And Light

Last night Reed and I were in bed, he was reading some book that he picked up a couple weeks ago and I was curled up with my back to him as I tried to sleep - I needed sleep. It had been a long week, Alexis picked up a cold at work so she was very clingy and whiny, she didn't want to do anything but be up with me. Even Reed couldn't get her to go with him and we all know how much Alexis loves her daddy.

After a half hour of laying there listening to the voices in my head go on and on about not obsessing about whether or not he was ever going to ask me to marry him - yes, I was still thinking about it, it was continuous cycle. One minute I was all 'oh he loves me and wants to marry me, he is just waiting for the right moment', I would go on about my day but later I would be thinking 'but you told him you needed time, what if he thinks that you don't want to even talk about marriage anytime soon?'

Oh stop it! I took a deep breath and let it out. Just stop it, he knows that you love him and -

"Amber is everything ok?" I felt Reed move behind me as I froze. Oh crap, I thought. Did I say something out loud? "Amber?"

I intended on quickly glancing over my shoulder, telling him that everything was fine and then go back to trying to sleep but when I saw the concern on his face, I sighed. "No, everything isn't ok," I told him. "I need to talk to you about something,"

"Ummm," for a moment there was a hint of surprise in his eyes before the worry pushed it all away. He marked his page in the book before dropping it on his nightstand. "Ok," he turned back to me. "What's on your mind darling?"

"Well," I sighed once again as I pushed myself into a sitting position beside him. "This is probably going to sound crazy but..."

He raised a brow slightly but didn't say anything.

"See the thing is..." I bit my lip nervously as I stared at him. "Well it's just that..." I frowned, I couldn't think of a way to say what was on my mind without blurting out 'are you ever going to marry me!'

"Amber come on," he took my hand in his and held it on his lap. "Please tell me what it is, you are scaring me a little here." He chuckled as if he was joking but the look he gave me told me he was serious, I was giving him a reason to worry.

"But I don't want to worry you," I replied. "I just...I mean...well..." I stopped, gave him a slight smile and shrugged. "It doesn't want to come out coherently it seems."

"Just say whatever it is Amber."

"Well," I pulled my hand from his, ignoring the frown when I did so. I moved in as close as I could to him, my hand slipped up over his arm to rest against his cheek. "I love you so much, do you know that?"

He smiled, "I love you too Amber."

"Yeah," I beamed. "But -"

His face fell. "But?"

"No," I stopped him from saying anything else. "It's not a bad but."

"Well a but at all after I tell you I love you can't be good Amber." He started to draw away from me.

"No," I grabbed his arm. "It's not a bad thing," I insisted. "It's not!" He didn't look convinced. "This isn't going the way I want," I groaned.

He stared down at me for a couple seconds before he asked me how I wanted this to go.

"I wanted you to know that I love you," I told him. "I wanted to tell you how much you meant to me, how my life without you was dark and lonely. I don't ever want to be that way again Reed, I don't ever want to be somewhere without you." I paused but he remained quiet, his normally expressive eyes unreadable. I didn't know if he was getting what I was saying or not, I started to panic a little. "There isn't a day that goes by that I don't thank God for the love and the joy you brought into my life. You've been patient when I was determined to push you away. You've been loving when I wanted to hate you. You've been understanding when I told you I needed to do things my way when I moved back here. You've loved me despite all my efforts to destroy any chance we had together."

He stared at me when I stopped, I was sniffing as tears rolled down my face, I knew I looked like a mess. He looked like he was thinking something over. Slowly he nodded but still didn't say anything.

And then he pushed back the covers and got out of bed.

"Reed!" I cried out as he walked towards our closet. "Please don't go," I begged as I started to sob. I didn't know what was going on, I didn't think that what I told him would make him mad. What went wrong? I asked myself as my eyes remained focused on the closet where he disappeared. He can't be leaving me!

I was in the middle of jumping out of bed when he reappeared, "Don't." He said when he saw me. "Stay where you are."

"I didn't mean to upset you," I told him as he crossed the room to rejoin me. "I was just -"

He kissed me softly, "I'll take over from here my love."

"Take over?" I frowned.

He suddenly seemed really nervous. "I've been waiting for the perfect moment," he told me. "I thought I wanted everyone around us but I chickened out at your father's birthday."

"Chickened out?" I repeated in confusion.

"Yeah," he gave me a lopsided grin. "I was nervous, I thought I knew exactly how I wanted it, I thought I had the right words but whenever I saw you, I couldn't even think."

"Couldn't think?" I was lost. "Reed what are you talking about?"

"You!" He exclaimed. "I'm talking about you my darling Berrylynn. The mother of my little girl, the strong woman who took her life in her own hands and wouldn't let me have my stubborn way when it mattered the most." He chuckled. "The woman who came crashing through the bushes, crashing what had to be the worse birthday ever, only to turn my life upside down with just a smile."

"Well I..." my voice trailed off as he pulled his hand from behind his back. Holding his hand out to me, he turned it palm up to reveal a small black box. My jaw dropped, I kept looking back and forth between his hand and his eyes.

"You said all the words I was thinking," he lifted his free hand to my cheek; I closed my eyes for a moment as his knuckles brushed my skin. "I thank God for every look, every smile and every touch. I thank Him for bringing such a beautiful loving woman into my life when I had lost all hope of ever finding the perfect woman for me."

He opened the box to reveal the ring that I was drooling over that say in the mall. "Oh my," I gasped, my eyes jumped to his handsome face.

"I love you with all my heart and soul Amber. You gave me so much when I didn't think I deserved it. I want to walk hand in hand with you through this life. I want to wake up every morning and go to sleep every night knowing that I'm holding true happiness in my arms. I want..." His voice broke, he lowered his head for a brief second before lifting it again. Through the tears that lit up his eyes, he took my hand in his. "I want to hold you forever AmberLynn. Will you let me? Will you marry me my love?"

"Yes!" I wrapped my hand around his neck, pulling his head down to me. "Yes!" I cried happily as his lips captured mine.

Disappointment

Like many of you, I thought that maybe, just maybe there was something suspicious about the party for my father and Reed's behaviour at the beginning of the week. Unfortunately, we were all wrong. Nothing exciting happened this past weekend.

Is it wrong to be disappointed?

I know I shouldn't be, especially since the day that my called me about the lack of reply to the invitation that she sent out for father's party, I found the 'missing' invitation in on Reed's desk in his office at home. When I asked him about it after work he told me that he already told my father that we would be there so he didn't see the point in returning the card to my mother. As for telling me about it? He said he figured that I knew about it since it was for my father.

Along with the invitation, I also found the receipt for his mini golf outing with Sean.

But damn it, I still held onto the hope that something special was going to happen this past weekend. But nothing did...and now I'm a little depressed.

I feel that my life as become pretty boring now - not that I'm not enjoying it - but unlike before, i can't seem to get the energy to post here and make mundane topics seem exciting. I'm hoping that soon I'll have something exciting to talk about....like maybe a wedding? ~crosses my fingers~

Let Me Know - It Won't Hurt, I Promise

Last Sunday Reed told me that he was going golfing with Sean and that we would meet up at the club for lunch. After I posted the last entry here, Alexis and I went down to the club. We arrived about twenty minutes early so I figured that we would sit overlooking the course until it was time to meet the guys for lunch.

As we made our way up the staircase to the observation area we ran into some of my father's friends, I stopped to talk to them for a couple minutes before telling them what Alexis and I were heading off to do.

"Amber my dear, I haven't seem Reed all morning," one of them told me. "Are you sure he was playing here? Not many people have been out on the course today, it's getting too cold to golf."

"I'm pretty certain that's what he said."

"Well maybe he snuck by us," one joked as they moved on down the stairs.

We made our way up the rest of the stairs and to the observation room where I gazed out over the course but I couldn't see much activity on the course. We sat there for a couple minutes before making our way back down and out to the Jeep so that I could give Reed a call. I tried him a couple times but each time there was no answer. I was a little upset. I wondered why on earth he would tell me he was going to be at the club when he wasn't.

Ten minutes later I was still sitting in the Jeep, debating going home and waiting for him to call or show up, when I saw his car pull into a parking space three spots down and one over from where I was. I sat back in my seat with my arms crossed as I watched Sean and him get out and head towards the club.

They had to pass right in front of the Jeep on their way to the club. They were so into whatever they were talking about that they didn't see me - at first. They had just passed the Jeep when Sean stopped dead in his tracks, glanced over his shoulder as he spoke to Reed, who spun around with a guilty look on his face.

"How was the game?" I asked him when he opened the driver's door.

"It was damn cold," he exclaimed with a smile. "We decided to head down to the mall for a game of mini gold instead." I remained still and silent. "Amber," he pouted as he tugged on my arms that were still crossed over my chest. "Please don't be upset."

I closed my eyes and sighed. "Why didn't you give me a call to let me know? We could've just met there and had lunch."

He raised a brow, "I didn't want to interrupt your cuddling time with my pillow?" He leaned in and grinned, "Did you keep some loving for me?"

I laughed, "You'll just have to find out when you get home," I told him as I turned to get out of the Jeep. "Alexis is hungry," I giggled when his arms came around my waist and he nuzzled my neck.

"Oh ok," he groaned as he released me. "But we'll finish this later!"

And oh boy did we! We both slept really well Sunday night - so well that we were both later getting up for work on Monday!

I got off the phone with my mother a few minutes before I started this post and I'm still shaking my head at the conversation.

"Hello Amber," she greeted me when I answered the phone. "I was just checking over the guest list that Elsa prepared for this weekend and I was shocked that neither Reed nor you name was on the list. Why is that Amber?"

I frowned, Elsa was my mother's 'aide' - why my mother needed an 'aide' was beyond me but I just went along with it. "Well mother, it's probably because I don't know what is supposed to be going on for me to have my name on the list."

"Why it's your father's birthday AmberLynn! Surely you didn't forget!"

I didn't, but I didn't remember it either, if that makes sense. "I didn't know you were having a party for him," I told her. "You didn't tell me about it."

"I did," she stated. "I sent out the invitations to your father's party weeks ago Amber, you should have gotten one."

"Mom, I didn't."

"Well you should have," she sounded upset. "Please tell me that you and Reed will be here? Your father would be very upset if you weren't."

"I'm sure we could rearrange any plans we had to make it to the party mom, I just wish you would've mentioned it to me before this."

"I sent an invitation," she told me and added, "Everyone else got theirs and replied."

I could've stood there with the phone to my ear all day, telling her that I didn't get the invitation but what was the point? I sighed, "Mom we'll be there but next time you have a party, would you please call me and tell me instead of sending me an invitation?"

It's not a difficult concept, mentioning the party to me in one of the many calls she makes to me in a week but she didn't. I know she didn't, I would've remembered. So that makes me wonder if this party was a last minute change of plans on their end, which is more likely than her never mentioning it to me at all.

Sucky thing is, Reed may not be too happy that he's got to dress up and socialize with my parents' friends, people he works with or some of the clients he has to deal with daily. But it's not like we can get out of it, it's my father's birthday. I may not have the best relationship with him but I'm not about to snub him on his birthday.

Well I'm off to work.

Little Messages

Every time I think that there's nothing that could happen to make me happier, Reed does some small thing to let me know he's thinking about me.

This morning he was up early to meet up with Sean for a game of golf at the club. Reed hates to golf but Sean wanted to try it, so he volunteered to go with his brother. "No," he whispered to me when the clock went off at quarter to seven. "You don't have to get up, I'll see you later when you meet us for lunch."

I didn't argue with him, he had me up most of the night making love to me. I was sore and tired, I just wanted to lay in his arms and sleep. Or cuddle up with his pillow since he had to get up. "Have a good game," I mumbled to him when he came over to kiss me good bye.

Once he left, I fell back to sleep. I didn't wake up until just a half hour ago when I heard Alexis calling out. Reluctantly, I got out of bed, threw on some clothes and went to let her know I was awake.

I walked out into the kitchen with her, put her in her high chair while I went to get her breakfast - cheese whiz on toast with milk - when I saw something wrote on the magnetic pad on the fridge. On further inspection, I discovered that it was Reed's hand writing.

"I'm very jealous of my pillow right now," he wrote. "Save some loving for me."

I laughed out loud, Alexis gave me a funny look. "I'm getting your breakfast," I told her as I pulled the door to the fridge open. There was another note in there, it read, "I love you darling."

I just wanted to share that with you all before I headed out to the club to join Reed and Sean for lunch.

Who We'll Be

"I found the perfect costumes for you and Alexis!" Reed exclaimed when he walked in the door a couple days ago after work. "It's probably the coolest idea ever!"

Reed loves Halloween. And I mean really loves it! It's almost the same as Christmas for him. At the end of last month, I came home to find bags of decorations all over the house and Reed up to his elbows in fake cobwebs. Inside and out, my house looks like a freakin' haunted house. He has even cleaned out the garage and with the help of Devon and Sean, he's set up a 'scary' place to hang out for the Halloween party he's been preparing for. Reed is in his glory and Alexis has finally stopped being scared of the life sized mummy in the living room.

"What did you find?" I was in the kitchen going through all my baking supplies to see if I had enough to make the list of treats that Reed found online and requested for the Halloween party that I mentioned already, the one he decided to throw for all of the kids at the day care on Halloween. He doesn't want to take Alexis out trick or treating, he says she's too young and she'd be tired and cranky if we do that. Apparently many of the other parents who bring their kids to the day care agreed with Reed, most of them jumped at the chance to bring their kids out to our house for the party.

When I told Nadine about the party, she volunteered to come over this weekend to help me with all the baking and as well as Tuesday to help with the last minute prep. My mom and Reed's mom have volunteered to come over for the party to help out and Janie said she would be there with bells on - Devon said 'literally' - I'm not sure what he meant by that and I'm not sure I want to know.

"Give me a minute," he threw over his shoulder as he scooped Alexis off the floor where she was banging on pots and pans she pulled from the cupboard.

"What are you up too?" I asked as I followed him down the hallway to Alexis' room.

"Stay in the kitchen!" He disappeared into her room and closed the door.

"Ok," I said slowly as I returned to the kitchen to add to my shopping list. I just finished my list when I heard Reed behind me. I turned around to see what he found. "That is so cute!" I rushed towards them, trying to get a better look at Alexis' costume. "What did daddy buy you?"

Reed put Alexis down on the floor as I knelt down in front of her. "Ohhhh," I cooed. "You look so adorable in your little sheep costume!" Alexis tugged at the satin piece that went down over her hands and gave me a look that spoke volumes, she wasn't so sure she liked the soft white chenille fur jumpsuit with black legs and cuffs with a matching character headpiece with its little ears and pink satin bows.

"You are going to be the cutest little girl at the party!" I told her while I gave her a big hug. "And you," I stood up with Alexis clinging to me and reached for Reed. "You are everything a woman could ever hope to find in a man! I love you and I love that you are such an amazing daddy."

Reed chuckled as his arms wrapped around Alexis and me. "I love you too," he kissed both of us. "Now," he smiled down at me. "It's your turn, go slip into your costume for me. It's in Alexis' room hanging over the rocking chair."

Excitedly, I turned to go down at the hall, wondering what he could've possible got for me. I stopped short, a sense of dread washed over me. "You didn't get me a sheep suit too, did you?"

"No!" He laughed out loud. "Oh God that would've been hilarious to see though, you in a sheep suit. Baa!"

"Baa!"

"Baa?" Alexis piped up and looked offended when we laughed.

I heard Reed asked Alexis if she wanted down as I neared her room. "Where are you going Lexi?" He called out and then said my name. I turned at her room door to see her coming towards me saying, 'baa, baa, baa, baa, baa'.

Once she was in her room with me, Alexis ran over to her toy box and started pulling everything out. "Reed honey, you might want to come take that costume off her before..." my voice trailed away as I spotted a white top and skirt with blue ribbon and little blue bows on it but it was the white staff with blue bow that made me laugh.

"Don't go laughing Bo Peep, just put that costume on." As he bent to scoop Alexis up, he said, "Come here little lost sheep."

While Reed played with Alexis, I stripped my sweats off and slipped into the knee lenght layered skirt; each of the four layers had blue ribbon weaved through the bottom edge. "Don't forget the stockings and shoes," he pointed to the bag that was hiding under the skirt.

Sitting down, I pulled out the white stockings and black flat, rounded toe shoes, with a little strap that he bought. Once both of those were on, I stood again to put on the boned bustier top. The top was trimmed with lace at both the waist and the chest and blue ribbon crisscrossed up the front, tied in a bow at the top. And then to top it off there was a white bonnet with blue ribbon weaved through it, which tied in the black to hold it on my head, and the staff.

"Well?" I stood in front of Reed and Alexis, waiting for his reaction.

"Perfect," he stood up and reached for me. "I think you should wear that around the house for a while," he whispered against my neck. "You look hot."

"Reed!" I giggled but didn't move away from him. "Thank you."

"No problem," he grinned and then told me that it took him a while to find this costume with the knee lenght skirt. "Everywhere I checked, on line and in the stores around here, it came with the high thigh skirt, which wasn't a problem for me but I didn't want all Alexis' friends to see where she came from!"

"Reed!" I slapped his shoulder. "That's not funny!"

"No?" I shook my head. "I'm sorry, I thought it was." He kissed the tip of my nose, his hands sliding down my back to cup my bum. "You like my costume choices?"

"Yes," I kissed him. "It's cute, Bo Peep and little sheep. But," I frowned. "What about you? What are you dressing up as?"

"Why a Shepard of course!" He chuckled. "I saw a little teddy bear costume and I thought about the two of us being bears as well, but damn I tried on the adult bear suit, it didn't work for me, too hot and bulky, we wouldn't be able to move around like we need to at the party. Then I thought Mary and little lamb for you and Alexis but then what would I be? The little lamb suit was so cute though, Alexis would've rocked it!"

"I guess there's always next year for Alexis to be a little lamb."

"Yes, there is but maybe next year it'll be Mary and her little lambs?"

The comment came out of no where, it surprised me. "What?" I stared up at him.

He shrugged, "I was just thinking out loud, that's all."

"Oh." That's right, that's all I could say. Reed moved away mumbling something about changing Alexis and then getting something for supper.

After supper, while I was out picking up the stuff I needed for the party still, Reed's comment was running around inside my head. He had joked about having another baby before, he even jokingly told Janie we were trying but it was the first time he ever mentioned it seriously.

Does that mean that all the other times, he wasn't joking? He would like to start trying for another baby?

A couple months ago, the idea of another baby with him right now would have scared me a little because I wasn't sure about us but now? I would love to share that experience with him. I think he would be supportive and caring, maybe a little too much at times, but he would be there to experience everything. He wouldn't miss any of the firsts with our second child, which would mean the world to both of us.

But how would Alexis react to having another baby around? Would she be jealous? Or will she be fine?

I guess if Reed's grandmother has her way, there won't be another baby for us until he slips a wedding band on my finger. Not that I'm going to stop him from making love to me over a ring.

We'll see what happens. We already did the baby before marriage thing once and it's not like we don't love our little girl any less because of it. Another baby before marriage wouldn't upset me.

But marriage before another baby wouldn't ruin my dreams either!

One Track Mind

Since last week I've been expecting Reed to say something about an engagement ring or to talk about getting married but he hasn't. It's driving me crazy! I know I should be patient and wait for him to make the proposal but I just want to grab him and tell him that I want to get married - NOW!

God it's funny, a couple months ago I was telling him I didn't want to even think about marriage. Now it's all I think about. I've been secretly browsing Bridal magazines while I'm out shopping. I've already know what type of dress I want, I've picked out the cake, flowers, and invitations already. Well, I know which ones I want to have. I even know what dress I want my little flower girl, our beautiful little girl, to wear.

And if that's not crazy enough for you, I've caught myself writing "Amber Johnson" on a couple cheques the other day!

ARGH!

I know I could take matters into my own hands, I could ask him to marry me but I know he'll be upset if I do that. Reed is a romantic, I'm sure you all know this by now. I know that he has thought about asking me to marry him, he told me that he was going to ask me before I moved away. I'm 100% certain that he has some sort of plan and time line. I know it'll be so romantic and wonderful when he does ask me. I don't want to miss out on that moment by asking him to marry me.

Sigh.

So I will wait.

Maybe if I stop obsessing over it, he'll ask me.

Moved

I moved to here so Amber could have her space back and to avoid the confusion over whose post you were reading...

Shining Star

After work yesterday, Alexis and I decided to head to grocery store to do a little shopping. Well I guess I decided to go, Alexis really had no choice in the matter but she didn't complain either. Then again, if I was getting pushed around in a cart and given a cookie at the beginning of my ride, I wouldn't complain either.

"What do you think daddy would like for supper?" We were standing in front of the prepared meals section of the deli, Alexis was really getting a kick out of the whole chickens on rotisserie as they slowly made their rounds. "One of those?" I asked her when she pointed to the glass. "Ok," I smiled. "Mommy can make some mashed potatoes and gravy when we get home," I told her as I placed the chicken in the cart. "Oh! Maybe daddy would also like some corn?"

"Ahhh!" Alexis squealed as she turned around to see where I put the bagged chicken.

"I'll take that as a yes," I kissed the top of her head. "I love you so much."

We only spent a total of twenty minutes in the store from the moment we got in until we went through the cash. It was probably the fastest time I've ever had!

Back at the Jeep, I strapped Alexis into her car seat, loaded the groceries into the back and parked the cart in the cart return before hopping in myself.

I was about to pull out of the parking stall when my cell phone rang. After putting the Jeep back in park, I pulled my cell out. "Hello?"

"Hello darling, how are you doing?"

I couldn't help but smile, every time Reed calls me, I feel like I did the first time we ever spoke on the phone. I told him that Alexis and I were about to head home, "We had to make a stop at the grocery store first though. We should be home within 15 minutes."

"That's good," he said. "So you didn't start dinner yet then?"

"No, but we did pick up some thing for dinner. You know those chickens we've been meaning to try for a while? I got one of those and thought I could whip up some mash potatoes and gravy. What do you say? Does it sound good?"

"Yeah..."

I frowned, "Reed what's wrong? If you don't feel like having that, I can make something else."

"No Amber, it's not that."

"Well what is it?"

"See...the thing is..." Reed sighed. "Sean just called me up, he asked if I could go grab a bite to eat with him, he wants to talk about something. I told him I was sure that I could but I wanted to make sure that you didn't mind."

"Oh."

"Do you?" Reed asked. "Do you mind if I hang out with Sean for a couple hours?" He paused and like it was an afterthought, he quickly said. "I don't have too if you wanted me to come home, I'm sure he'll understand."

"It's ok Reed," I told him. "You can go hang out with Sean whenever you need too, I'm glad that you called to let me know that you wouldn't be home."

"You aren't mad?"

I chuckled, "I'm not mad. Alexis and I will just have ourselves a girls evening. Have fun with Sean and I'll see you when you get home."

"Ok," he sounded happier now. "Love you darling."

"I love you too," I smiled into the phone before hanging up. "Well," I turned back to look at Alexis. "Looks like daddy has other plans for dinner tonight, it's just you and me."

When we got home, after all the stuff I bought was put away, I debated calling Janie to see what she was doing but when I picked up the phone to dial her I remembered that she mentioned she was meeting Devon for dinner at the club. She didn't sound too excited about it though. When I asked her about it, she told me that she just had a lot on her mind.

I really wish she would tell me more about what's going on with Devon but since the night that I interrupted their meal, she's been vague when it comes to him. Not that I really blame her, if she tells me how she feels, I tend to argue Devon's case and I know that's not what she wants, she wants me to be in her corner and feel her pain. I don't see the way he talks to her or treats her when I'm not around, all I know is what he tells me and what I see, all those moments point to Devon being really serious about Janie this time around.

I don't know. Maybe she found what she's looking for from him last night. I hope so. I want her to be happy.

For dinner, I still had the chicken. I made a sandwich for me and for Alexis, I warmed up a potato that was left over from the night before, cut it up into small pieces, with some chicken.

It was still early when we were done our dinner, so I decided to head into town, to the mall, to kill some time. I was going with the idea to take Alexis to the small play area at the mall for a few minutes. She loved that area, she liked sliding down the slide the most out of all of it.

To get to the play area, I had to pass by a few stores and the food court. As we were walking, I stopped short in front of the jewelry store, remembering that I had to pick up a ring of Reed's that I put in to be repaired a couple weeks ago.

While I was waiting for the guy behind the counter to finish with the customer he was helping, Alexis and I began to look around.

I was admiring a couple engagement rings when a lady popped out of nowhere. "Would you like to try one on?"

"No," I started to step back as she unlocked the little door behind the rings.

"Are you sure?"

"Well..." I glanced down at Alexis, she didn't say 'hurry up mom, I'm bored' so I said, "Sure, why not?" She asked me what I wanted to see and I pointed to a couple rings.

I had tried on two that I wasn't too happy with after they were on my finger when the lady gave a little gasp. "I thought I knew who you were!" She exclaimed before starting in on a story of how her mom and my mom have been working together on some charity event for the pass ten years. "You are seeing Reed Johnson," her eyes went wide. "Are you...?" Her gaze went to my ring finger.

"No," I shook my head. "We aren't talking about marriage." It was true, we haven't talked about marriage at all. And that was a sore spot for me. I didn't think I wanted to get married yet, I know I told him that when I made all these changes in my life but now I wasn't so sure. "I'm just seeing what's out there," I told her with a smile. "If he does ask me to marry him, I want to be sure I know what I'd want in a ring!"

"Oh, I know what you mean," she launched into another story of how she had been dating her husband for a while and when he asked her to marry him, he had picked out the ugliest ring. "I had to exchange it, I couldn't wear it. It was like he didn't even know what I like and I know that's not true, I told him what I liked."

I smiled at her but I couldn't help but think that it would be wrong to return a ring that your man picked out for you with great hopes in mind. I didn't know if I could do that to Reed, I would feel like it would send him the message that he wasn't good enough, somehow.

"Do you see anything else you would like?" She asked me and then started to suggest rings for me to try on. I tried on a couple but they weren't me, so I kept looking.

"That one," I gasped as I jabbed my finger downwards a little harder than I meant too. "I think that's the one!"

The lady pulled out the ring I was talking about and 'ooh'ed. "Yes this one is very beautiful," she lifted it from its display and held it out to me. "Can you see your boyfriend down on one knee, holding this ring out as he asked you to marry him?"

I nodded, unable to speak as I stared at the ring. My hand was actually shaking when I reached for it. "Ohhh," I chuckled nervously as I slipped it onto my finger. It was perfect. It was everything I wanted it to be. I wanted to buy it and run home to give it to Reed to give to me when he felt the time was right.

"It seems like it was made for you," the lady commented.

I couldn't do anything but stare at the ring on my finger. "How many diamonds are in this ring?" I asked as I started to count them.

"34, plus the main stone."

"Oh my."

"The front and back are set with 12 stones each and each side as five leading up to the main stone."

"And it's white gold?"

The lady shook her head, "No honey that ring there is Platinum, it tends to run a little more on the pricey side but it does look splendid, wouldn't you agree?"

I nodded and she continued. "And that ring as part of a set, the wedding band is set with 9 diamonds." She reached back to the display and pulled out the wedding band. "Try it on."

I felt giddy as I slipped the wedding band on with the engagement ring. Seriously, there were butterflies in my tummy as I gazed down at them. "I want these," I whispered.

"Well for the set it -"

"No!" I exclaimed a little louder than I planned on, everyone in the store glanced over at us. "Sorry," I muttered before telling her that I didn't want to know how much the set was. "If Reed decides to ask me to marry him, he's the only one who needs to know how much he spent on the rings."

The lady nodded, showing me she understood and then suggested that sign up for some kind of registry that would help insure that I get the rings I want when Reed was ready to buy them. I was thinking about that and staring at the rings on my finger when someone tapped me on the shoulder.

I glanced over my shoulder. "Sean!" I shoved my left hand into my jacket pocket. "What are you doing here?"

"Waiting for Reed to come out of the bathroom," he made a show of looking around me and at the display case I was standing in front of. "What are you doing?"

"I..." I quickly looked around the area to see what else was close by that I could say I was looking at but there wasn't anything besides more engagement rings.

"Yes?" He raised a brow as he grinned knowingly.

I spotted the man I was waiting to finish when I first came in. "Reed's ring!" I blurted out. "I was here to pick it up, it was being fixed." I started to walk away when the saleslady called out to me.

"Miss Sands could I have the rings back please?"

"Rings?" Sean leaned against the counter. "What rings Amber?"

"Miss Sands?" The lady seemed to be getting a little uneasy and I couldn't blame her, I was going to walk away with a couple expensive rings on.

"Right," I went back to the counter, turning my back to Sean so he couldn't see but he was tall enough to look over my shoulder as I placed the set on the counter. "Sorry." I went to get out of there but Sean grabbed my arm and held me in place as he asked the sales lady if he could check out the rings.

"Wow," he let out a low whistle. "That's a piece of work alright."

"Just give it back to her Sean," I tried to take it from him but he wouldn't let me.

"Doing a little 'wish' list shopping are you Amber?" He handed the ring back tot he lady. "Thank you."

I crossed my arms. "I was really here to pick up Reed's ring."

"Of course," he smiled. "Where is it?" He scanned Alexis' stroller. "I don't see a jewelry bag."

"I didn't get it yet," I snapped.

"Oh," he nodded. "Of course, you were distracted, I understand."

"Please don't tell Reed," I begged him. "We haven't talked about marriage, I don't want him to think I'm pressuring him to make a choice."

Sean frowned, "Pressure him? Amber you were only looking at rings, how would he see that as pressure?"

I shrugged, "We haven't talked about it, I don't know if he wants to marry me. I just don't want him to think he has too if he's not entertaining those thoughts."

He started to sputtered, like he was trying to say so many things at once. I wanted to ask him what he was trying to say but Alexis alerted us to Reed's arrival by yelled out 'dada'.

"Hey," Reed came over to us with a big smile on his face. "This is a surprise," he leaned down to give Alexis a kiss. "Hello princess, are you having fun with mommy?" He laughed when Alexis giggled. "And how about you?" He straightened up and pulled me into his arms. "How are you doing my love?"

"Good," I told him before giving him a kiss on the lips. "We were going to head to the play area for a couple minutes."

"Oh," Reed gazed down at Alexis. "Are you going to go down the slide?" She nodded her head. "So what are you doing here?"

"I remembered that your ring was back," I told him.

And Sean jumped in, "Yeah, it's all fixed."

Reed gave him a funny look. Sean must've motioned or something because his eyes lowered to the display case behind me. "Amber...?" He didn't look happy.

I gave him a kiss on the cheek. "Well we better get going if Alexis is going to slide. It's getting late." I quickly started to make my way out of the store.

I had gotten about one store lenght when Reed fell into step beside me, "You were looking at engagement rings?"

"Yes...no...well maybe."

"Well which is it?"

I sighed and stopped walking. Turning to him, I told him that I ended up looking at engagement rings instead of picking up his ring, which I really did go in there for.

"Oh," was all he said.

"I can't help it," I told him. "I've been thinking about it lately and the rings were there and so I looked." He nodded. "I didn't think you or Sean were close, I didn't think I would get 'caught' checking them out either."

"You want an engagement ring?"

"Yes...no...I..." He frowned. "Damn! I love you and yes, I've been thinking about our future and whether or not we'll get married. I can't help it! But you haven't said anything and we haven't talked about it so I didn't want to say anything. I didn't want you to know that I was looking at them, I asked Sean not to say anything."

He rubbed his forehead with his fingers before asking me, "Why?" as Sean called out to him.

"I didn't want you to think that you have to ask me. I don't want you to feel pressured to make that move if you didn't want too."

He stared down at me and for once, I couldn't read his expression, I didn't know if he was mad or relieved. Sean called out to him again, he glanced over his shoulder briefly. "I have to go," he told me. "Sean needed to do some stuff here and then we were going to go out for a drink."

I nodded and mumbled something about Alexis and the slide.

Reed kissed Alexis and me before he turned to meet up with Sean again. He had gotten about five feet away from me when he turned back and said, "Oh Amber? Don't worry, I don't feel pressure to do anything."

'I don't feel pressure to do anything.' What the hell does that mean? I've been trying to figure that out all night but I went to bed no wiser. Reed came home later than I expected him too, he was a little drunk, which I didn't expect either.

I don't know what to think anymore.

It Should Be A Good Thing!

I was sitting in the middle of DWs last night with Cary, debating whether or not we were going to play a game of pool or just sit and hang out when my cell phone rang. "It's Devon," I told him after looking at the caller id before flipping my phone open.

The waitress came by to see if we needed anything else as I said 'hello', Cary asked for another drink for the both of us.

"I take it that was Cary," was the first thing Devon said to me.

"Wow, it's nice to hear your voice too," I replied sarcastically.

Devon ignored it. "I had hoped that you would be free to come join me for a few hours now that I'm home but I guess there's no chance of that now."

I wanted to join him but I'll be damned if the way he said that made me angry. "Well would you blame me?" I asked him. "It's not like you are making it sound like you really want me there."

The waitress bought our drinks, which surprised me, I had forgotten that Cary was sitting across from me. My stomach turned when I looked up to find him staring at me, with a smile on his face.

I didn't want him to be smiling! I wanted him to mind his own business. And yes, I did want to see Devon but damn it! I'm stubborn!

"Why don't you come down here?" I challenged him.

"Hell no!" He snapped. "I'm not in the mood to see that little pissant or to watch you flirt with him. I'm tired and I want to relax in my own home, with my girl. Do you think that's possible?"

"Not with the way you are talking to me, it's not." Inside I was singing from hearing him say I was his girl.

"Janie," he groaned. "Please come over."

"I just got a new drink," I told him. "It would be rude for me to leave it without attempting to drink it." I really didn't care about the drink but those words were ones I heard from him a number of times when we had dated before.

"Fine," he sighed. "I'm going to bed." Click.

"Fucker," I snapped my phone closed.

"Something wrong?" Cary sounded concerned but the look in his eyes didn't match his voice.

"No," I grabbed my purse. "I have to go," I told him as I slipped out of the booth we've been occupying for the last couple hours.

"Have to?" He stood with me. "Devon demanding you leave at once and glue yourself to his side?"

"No!" I glared at him. "Devon doesn't tell me what to do! I want to go, it's getting late and I have to work in the morning."

Cary glanced at his watch. "It's only nine Janie."

"I know," I told him. "Just don't ask, I want to go home."

"Ok," he grabbed my jacket and held it up for me to slip into. "If you ever need to talk," he said as he helped me into my jacket. "Just give me a call, I'll listen."

"Things are fine Cary," I flashed him a smile.

"Are they really?" He slipped his jacket on as I nodded. "Ok," he motioned towards the front. "If you say so but I have to tell you, I'm starting to wonder because you spend an awful lot of time with me."

I didn't say anything to that, I knew it was true, I have been spending a lot of time with him. I hate to admit it but I was doing it because he was doing something Devon wasn't, he was paying attention to me, showing me that he really liked spending time with me.

I left DW's last night with the plan to go straight home but once I got on the road, I found myself driving to Devon's place.

The whole time it took me to drive to his place and walk to his front door, I rehearsed what I would say to him.

But ten minutes later, I wanted to scream and cry because I was still standing on his door step waiting for him to answer his door. He never came to the door, he didn't answer his phone when I called him either.

And his car was sitting in front of the building.

I cried myself to sleep last night. I told myself that I deserved it if he was snuggling up with another woman already, I certainly wasn't giving him an signs that he would be snuggling up to me anytime soon.

I know everyone thinks I'm nuts for my behaviour when it comes to Devon but damn it let's face it, he's never been faithful to a woman in his entire life and he hasn't lowered that wall around his heart to let me in enough to feel that I really mean something to him.

I don't want to play this game with him. I don't want to be hurt again. I know I'm holding him at arm's lenght and waiting for him to show me a reason not too is probably getting in the way of whatever happiness I could have with him.

I'm scared....oh...hold on a second, I have a delivery.

OH MY FREAKING GOD! You all should see the bouquet of flowers I have sitting on my desk at the moment! OH MY GOD!

Yes, I'm at work, it was a boring day so I decided to post here to kill some time.

The flowers, I love them. I was going to call Devon to tell him I loved them but Joey stopped me, she found the card that came with them. "You didn't see Devon last night, did you?" She's my closest friend at work, I told her about my night when I came in this morning.

"No, why?"

"I don't think you want to be calling him then," she cleared her throat and read the card. "Thank you for last night."

"What??" I ripped the card from her hands. "Noway, these have to be from Devon! Cary wouldn't..." I read the words and my heart dropped. "No," I sunk back into my chair. "What have I done?"

Joey has gone out to run an errand and I just spent the last couple minutes staring at the beautiful bouquet of white & pink roses, nestled in a bed of baby's breath and mauve lilacs. I wanted so badly for these flowers to be from Devon, I went online to look up the meanings of all of them.

Let's just say, according to the site I looked at...I think Joey is right, Devon couldn't have sent them....

Roses - white & pink....I love you still and always will...
Lilac, mauve...do you still love me?
Baby's Breath...happiness

Damn it! damn it! DAMN IT!

I think I'm in trouble here.

Just Going Along

My week started out pretty good, with a holiday. There's nothing wrong with having a long weekend, I love it when I have three days off but, is it just me, or does a four day work week seem to drag out much more than a normal 5 day week?

I wasn't planning on doing anything for Thanksgiving, my mom hasn't been in the mood for holidays since my dad left, so I figured that I would just ignore the day; not that sitting at home watching my mom get drunk and go off on how much my dad ruined her life - how she gave up everything for him and he never gave her a damn thing - was exactly the most exciting thing in the world to do.

Amber had invited me to join in her Thanksgiving with Reed's and Sean's family but seriously? Who wanted to be there for that? I didn't see it going well at all, it couldn't, they were family and doing something with family was the best way to ruin a holiday. I have to say, I admire Amber for taking all that on, hosting Thanksgiving for your man's newly discovered brother? Wouldn't be me, that's all I have to say. And while I think she was crazy for doing it, I understand that she wanted too so that Sean wouldn't feel like he didn't belong, so he wouldn't leave.

I also had another invitation, Cary invited me to go to his grandparents for Thanksgiving with his family. I told him that it would be uncomfortable considering that we weren't together anymore and they all knew how I cheated on him with Devon while we were engaged.

"It doesn't matter," he tried really hard to convince me of that but in the end, I declined. He asked me if I was sure. "I don't want you to spend Thanksgiving alone," he told me. When I told him I wouldn't be alone, that mom would be there, he just gave me this look that spoke volumes.

Devon had mentioned something about his family's yearly reservation at the club Sunday night when I saw him but he never outright asked me to be there. Hell, he didn't even hint that he wanted me there. With things a little stained between us, I wasn't about to assume that he wanted me to be there.

Monday morning, I was seated at my kitchen table, bored out of my skull. I didn't think not doing anything for Thanksgiving would get to me but as I sat there with a tub of Smartie Ice Cream in front of my and a big spoon in my hand, I really wanted to cry.

"I'm very thankful to you Nestle," I said bleakly as I scooped out a spoonful and held it up to my mouth. "Screw eating them last; I eat the red ones with a lot of ice cream."

I was on my third spoonful when I heard a thump from upstairs, but I didn't even bother to check it out, mom was sleeping off another 'headache'.

"Who needs turkey when you have a tub of ice cream to keep you company?" I wondered out loud. "And it's a lot cheaper too!"

Ok, so I was miserable. I wanted to call Amber up to tell her that I would be over, if the offer still stood. Hell, I was even thinking that it wouldn't be too late to call Cary and see if I could tag along with him. I was damned if I was going to call Devon.

By the fifth spoonful, I stared down at the ice cream and sighed, might as well get fat. I was about to dig in for the sixth spoonful when a knock sounded at the door. I was going to ignore it because I wasn't expecting anyone but the knocking continued.

I made my way through the living room to the front door. "What?" I snapped as I flung the door open.

"Hey there ba - why aren't you ready?" Devon looked horrified as his eyes travelled down over my old pj pants and ratty t-shirt. "You can't go to the club looking like that!"

"I'm not going to the club," I told him. "So what does it matter what I wear?"

"Janie!" I had turned away from him, he closed the door and followed me back to the kitchen where I picked up my spoon again. "What are you doing? You are going to ruin your appetite," he took the spoon from me. "Look, just go upstairs, shower, change, whatever you have to do. It's getting late, we have to be there in a half hour."

"I don't have to be anywhere," I yanked the spoon from him. "I wasn't invited."

"Weren't invit...Janie! I told you last night we were going to the club with my parents." He pulled out a chair and sat down. "Come on baby don't do this today, please?"

I was feeling very defiant but I was also feeling a little alone and depressed from sitting there by myself. "Ok," I handed him back the spoon. "I'll go but you really have to work on your 'invitations' because telling me that your parents are having dinner at the club like they always do it a hell of a lot different than asking me if I would like to join your family for Thanksgiving."

I didn't give him a chance to say anything, I was on my way towards the stairs. "Oh," I turned to him. "Don't eat all my ice cream while I'm in the shower."

We arrived at the club a little later than he wanted too. "Come on," he motioned to me as he spotted his parents in the busy restaurant.

He started to walk on but I stopped, I hadn't been to the club that much, I was feeling a little nervous about walking in there. "Devon," I called after him. "Please wait a minute."

"We're late," he told me but he did stop.

"I know," I told him as I stared up into his handsome face. "How do I look?"

His lips turned up into a slight grin as his eyes trailed down over the baby blue satin dress that clung to every curve of my body. "You look good," he told me when his eyes came back up. Well up as far as my breasts anyway. "Come let's go." He started on his way once again but stopped when he realized that I wasn't following. "What's wrong now?"

"Nothing," I started forward. "I guess it's too much to ask that you pretend you want to be here with me."

"What is that supposed to mean?" His hand circled around my arm, preventing me from going any further.

"I mean," I glanced over my shoulder at him. "You didn't ask me to come with you, you expected I would. When I get ready in the shortest time possible, you didn't even saw anything about how I looked. We get here and you don't even wait for me, you run ahead as if you are ashamed to be seen with me. Is this how it's always going to be Devon?"

"I don't know what you are talking about," he said defensively. "You wouldn't be here if I didn't want you to be. What more do you want from me?"

I stepped back from him, "What more do I want from you?" I shook my head. "I don't want anything more than you want to give me Devon."

He stared down at me for a moment before asking, "What does that mean?"

"Everyone tells me that you love me but yet every time you get a chance to show me, you don't." I gazed off over the heads of all the people in the dining room before turning to him once again. "I want you to love me Devon, I don't want to have any more of these lingering doubts," I offered him my hand. "Is that too much to ask for?"

He didn't say a word as he took my hand and tucked it into the crook of his arm.

I wish I could say that he started to show me now much he loved me after that but dinner went off without any sign of love from him than he's already done. His parents were great, they were happy to see me and excited about the fact that we were back together but inside I was hurting.

I haven't seen Devon at all since Monday, he had business out of town that kept him away. He did call me every night, to talk but we didn't seem to really talk about the main issue, we skated around it. I guess I didn't want to get into it over the phone, and maybe he didn't either. He is supposed to be getting back into town later today and he wanted to meet up with me but in true Devon style, he waited until the last minute to tell me; I had already made plans with Cary.

Which pissed Devon off.