I've Become So Numb

I don't know what I'm doing here, I thought it was a good idea last week but now I'm not so sure. Sure Alexis is happy to see her dad whenever he isn't working but am I happy here? I don't know. Everything seems to much more stressful here than it does in my apartment. Everyone expects me to act a certain way, dress a certain way and be something that I'm not sure I want to be anymore.

Just being here is making me think and I'm not liking what I'm thinking. Sometimes I feel that I should move back here, it would be so much easier for Alexis and Reed but I don't know if I want that. Being here makes me feel more and more like a failure. I see all the people I used to hang around with working, or going to school - making something of themselves and then I see me, not going anywhere, not having any plans but what I can do when Alexis is awake. I start to wonder when I became that person? When did I lose all sense of who I am?

Reed was unable to get yesterday off but his dad promised him he could take today. So with nothing else to do Alexis and I spent most of the day outside yesterday. We walked all over town, taking in the sites. And I believe that's when I realized that I'm a stranger to myself. I'm soon going to be 20 and I felt that my life was already over. I found myself looking at Alexis and wishing she wasn't there. Then I realized what I was thinking and I felt like the worst parent in the world. She didn't ask to be born, I scolded myself. If you were more careful, you wouldn't be in this situation and where would you be? I didn't know the answer to that question, all I knew is that I couldn't imagine not having my daughter in my life.

When I went to put her down to sleep that night, I held her extra long. I sat there rocking her, whispering to her how much I loved her and that I was glad she was my little girl. "I wouldn't change anything Snuggle bug. I would still sleep with your dad and you would still be born, just like you are now." I closed my eyes as I continued to rock her, this is the only thing that right in my life. I don't know how long I sat there rocking her before Reed came to see where I was.

"Hey," he whispered as he walked over to us. "Is everything ok Amber?"

I nodded, wiping the tears away. "Everything is good." When he asked me if I wanted him to put her in the crib, I shook my head. "No, I just want to hold her for a while longer. Could you give me some time?"

He seemed puzzled by this request but he said ok and soon left me alone with her again.

It was probably a good hour later that I finally wiggled my way out of the chair to place her gently in the crib. I stood there gazing down at her for a few minutes before I kissed my fingers and softly touched her cheek. "I love you," I whispered and then walked out of her room.

Her room! I still can't get over that. When I mentioned it to Reed, he seemed a little embarrassed, "I wanted to have something just in case you ever let me see her." He went on to explain that the room helped him stay focused when he was hitting all the dead ends when he was trying to find us. "I'd come in here, sit in that chair and tell myself that one day she will get to enjoy this room." I couldn't help but be touched that he thought about her like that; I can't even count the number of times I wondered if he did think about her.

That night when I left her room, I went to go into Reed's room but I found I couldn't. Something kept nagging at me, something in the back of my mind stopped me from going in there. I wish I could say for sure what it was but it felt like if I went in there, I would never escape. So instead I made my way down the hall to the room that he had shown me the first night I was here. I got undressed and slipped into bed.

I laid there and the events of the last couple days ran through my head. How did I go from being really happy to see him, to wanting to go back home? I tried to answer that question but I couldn't, there was no incident that caused it, there was no argument that occurred. The only bad thing about being here so far is the Devon situation which Reed has no control over, I thought as I rolled over onto my stomach. Why aren't I happy?

I heard Reed's footsteps as he climbed the stairs and made his way to his room. I heard the water running in his bathroom as he got ready for bed. I listened as he made his way to Alexis' bedroom and stopped short. I heard him call my name softly when he realized that I wasn't in there. I listened for his footsteps again, at first I thought I missed them but soon I heard them as they neared the room I was in. "Amber?" He knocked softly as he called out to me. "Darling are you in there?"

I wanted to answer him but I didn't know if I wanted him to come in. I didn't know what I wanted at that moment and that made me want to cry. "AmberLynn?" He called again.

A sob escaped my throat and the door flung open. His footsteps were quick on the floor as he crossed over to where I rested. "Darling?" He climbed up onto the bed with me and went to pull me into his arms but I wouldn't let him. "What's wrong? Please tell me." He was speaking to my back because I turned away from him. I didn't want him to see me cry. "How can I help if you won't let me?"

I thought if I didn't answer him, he would go away but he didn't. He sat there on the bed until I finally turned to him. I glanced up at him, he looked so tired yet so handsome. I wanted him so badly yet I couldn't stand the idea of being with him at the moment. I wanted to talk to him but every time I went to say something the words escaped me.

Finally he sighed, "I'm not sure what's going on with you but whatever it is, we'll work through it." He reached out and caressed my cheek. "Did you want to sleep here? Or were you coming to bed with me?"

I didn't know, I hesitated to say anything. Once again he sighed, "Ok I guess I'll see you in the morning." He slipped off the bed then leaned over to give me a kiss on the cheek. "Good night Berrylynn."

I bit my lip as I watched him walk out the door. I didn't want him to go. I knew that even if I didn't know anything else at that moment. Whipping back the blankets I jumped out of bed, not even noticing the coolness of the flooring under my bare feet. "Reed!" I called out to him. He stopped in his doorway.

Once he was facing me I picked up my speed, I was almost running towards him. I didn't have any plans on what I would say or do when I got to him so it surprised not only him but me when I leapt at him. But he managed to react quick enough that his arms closed around me when I collided with him; he only stumbled a little from the force of the impact.

We stood in each other's arms, gazing into each others eyes. "Amber..."

I held a finger over his lips, "Shhh." I didn't say another word as I slipped out of his arms and took his hand in mine. I led him to his bed and pulled back the sheets. I stepped back to let him slide in and over to his side but he didn't move.

Looking up at him, I gave him a questioning look. He just smiled, nodded towards the bed and when I looked back at it, he scooped me up in his arms and gently placed me on his side before crawling in next to me.

We didn't exchange any more words that night, we just held each other as we both drifted off to sleep.

I wasn't expecting him to still be in bed when I woke up, I didn't believe that his dad actually gave him a Monday off. But he was.

And now he's back from the little outing that he planned with Alexis, I have this feeling it has something to do with me because he wouldn't let me go. Or at least I'm hoping that's why he didn't want me to go.

I have to go now before he comes in here and sees what I'm writing. I'm not sure how he would feel about this.

Don't Come Knocking On My Door

I'm feeling a little blah today. I don't know why I feel this way either. All I know is that I want to crawl back into bed and go to sleep. But I can't do that, the little crawler at my feet with the bunny her daddy gave me for Easter, makes it difficult to do that.

Plus, I believe I said I would finish the post about Thursday...but no one is really interested in that, are they?

So...I had to go back and see where I left off...

Reed followed me down to the living room. I sat on the couch and he joined me. "Amber what is going on?"

I sighed, "Reed I found out some stuff lately that just makes me not trust Devon." I turned to him, taking his hand in mine. "I know he's your best friend but I don't think he's got your best interests in mind lately."

Resting his head against the couch, Reed looked at me. "I know you haven't liked him since Janie started to date him but Amber, he's my friend."

"A friend who got Janie to hack into my email and delete your emails to me because he thought you were making a fool of yourself." I shook my head, "Oh where do I find a friend like that?"

Reed laughed, "Who told you that? Janie? Amber you really shouldn't believe anything Janie tells you about Devon."

"And why not?"

"Because she's crazy, that's why."

I wanted to hit him when he said that, I know that I haven't talked to Janie in a while but there's no way that she was crazy. "Why would you say that about my friend?"

Reed closed his eyes, "Darling I don't want to fight with you about our friends. I just don't take much of what Janie says to be the truth."

I hit him, I did. I drew my arm back and nailed him right in the arm. "Janie is my best friend! She's never lied to me, so I believe her!"

"Ow," Reed was still rubbing his arm where I hit him, the look of shock on his face had disappeared though. "Well how do you think I feel about you questioning Devon's honesty?"

"But Reed," I whined, I hated that I did it. "Fine," I sat back against the couch. I knew there was no arguing with him if he refused to believe something Janie told me. "Do you trust me?" I looked at him, "Do you think I would lie to you?"

He didn't hesitate, "Of course I trust you Amber."

"Well," I sat back up, facing him once again. "The day that Janie called me and confessed to deleting emails because Devon asked her too. Wait, let me finish." I said when he started to defend Devon again.

"Ok continue," he sighed.

"Once I got off the phone with Janie, I called Devon because I was mad and I didn't want to take it out on you when you got home. So I called him and asked him what his problem was with me."

Reed raised a brow, "And what did he say?" I told Reed that Devon told me he didn't have a problem with me. "See? Janie is just trying to make him look bad," he cut in but I continued.

"...'I just don't think Reed is right for you'." Reed frowned. "I asked him who was, he hinted that he would be and seemed to be offended when I told him that hell would freeze over first." I paused, Reed was sitting there looking stunned. So I continued, "I asked him if he even once thought about what he was doing? If he even realized how much you missed out on because of him. He told me that he was looking out for you, 'I saw what a sad mess Reed was when you left', he told me. 'I couldn't believe that he let you do that to him. I was tired of hearing him moan about losing you when you know as well as I do that Reed isn't man enough to handle you; you would've dumped his ass before the baby was even born'."

Reed held up his hand, all the color seemed to have drained from his face. "Enough Amber, I don't think I want to hear anymore."

But I didn't stop, "I told him that he didn't know what he was talking about, that you -"

Reed jumped off the couch, "Amber I told you I didn't want to hear anymore!" He started to walk away from me.

"Reed!" I called out, he stopped but didn't turn around. "I think you know what I told him, just after I said it I head the apartment door close and you were standing there." I got up and quickly closed the distance between us. "When he said that I was so mad, all I could think of was how I had always been faithful to you. I never thought that you weren't good enough for me, I never thought I was good enough for you." Reed turned around, "I told him that he didn't know what he was talking about," I wrapped my arms around his waist as I gazed up at him. "I told him you were man enough to handle me -"

"You said I was fantastic at it and you said you were mine," Reed smiled. "Did you mean it Amber?"

"Yes," I smiled. "I meant every word of what I told him."

There wasn't much talking that took place after that. We ended up on the couch again, this time we were entwined in each other's arms as we kissed.

I wanted so badly to remove his clothes and make love to him but I wanted everything to be out in the open with him first, I didn't want to rush this second chance.

We headed to bed shortly after, Reed stopped off to shower first, then he joined me. I didn't know what he decided to do about Devon.

Or I didn't know until yesterday. Devon was the one at the door when I was writing this.

Albert had requested to have the morning off yesterday, Reed had told him it was fine because he wasn't going to be home - this was before Alexis and I came. When he told me about it, I said it was fine, I've been living without servants for so long that I didn't understand why he had them.

So I had no choice but to answer the door. And once I did, I wished I didn't. "Hello Devon," I wanted to slam the door in his face not greet him in anyway.

He was leaning against the door frame staring at me, it was making me nervous. "Amber," he pushed off the frame and invited himself in.

"What are you -"

He spun around, "How are you doing?" I didn't answer, I didn't want him there so I figured he would leave if I didn't say much to him. I was wrong. "I hear you've been spreading your hatred for me," he lifted a hand to my cheek. "Now why on earth would you do that?" I slapped his hand away and he laughed, "What's wrong Amber?"

"Don't touch me," I hissed at him.

He grabbed me, holding me tight to his body. "Don't mess with me Amber, you'll find that you won't win." He lowered his head so that his lips brushed my cheek, "Why fight me? When you know we could be so good together?"

I felt sick to my stomach, I was going to tell him to leave me alone when the doorbell rang again. "AmberLynn?" Reed's mother called through the door.

Devon released me, pushing me away from him as he did so; I stumbled a little but I managed not to fall. "Keep your mouth shut Amber, otherwise people you care about could get hurt." He yanked the front door opened and brushed past Lucinda without so much as a 'hello'.

"Amber?" Lucinda let herself in and closed the door. "What was Devon doing here?" She asked, "You really shouldn't have guys over when Reed isn't here."

I stared at her, I couldn't believe she thought that I would...with Devon? I cringed but what I wanted to do was cry. "I need to call Reed," I whispered.

"Why Amber? What's going on?"

I didn't bother to answer her, I headed off to call Reed. I didn't actually expect him to answer his phone but on the third ring, he did. Once I heard his voice, the tears started to roll down my cheeks. "What's wrong darling?"

"No-not-nothing!" I managed to say through my sobs.

"You are scaring me Amber, tell me what's wrong." He sounded so concerned that I felt like a fool for getting on like this.

"Devon was here," I whispered as I looked over my shoulder at Lucinda hovering in the doorway.

"What did he do?" Reed asked. "If he hurt you Amber, I'll kill him!"

"No, he didn't Reed. I just got scared," I took a deep breath. "I'm sorry Reed."

He told me that I had nothing to be sorry for. "Tell you what, I'll see if I can get out of here for a few minutes to come home."

I shook my head, wiping my eyes. "No Reed you don't have too." I glanced at Lucinda again, "Your mother is here, I'll be ok."

"Are you sure? I mean it is my mother," he was trying to make me feel better, and I knew it.

"Oh," I laughed. "I'll be ok Reed."

He asked a few more times if I was sure before he reluctantly hung up the phone.

When I got off the phone his mother wanted to know what was wrong, "Did Devon upset you Amber?"

I didn't want to tell her, I didn't trust her that much so I told her no. "I was just missing Reed," I told her, which wasn't actually a lie; I find I do miss him lately.

My telling her that seemed to make her day, she dropped the subject of Devon. Although she seemed to make excuses to stay longer than I had hoped she would.

When I finally got her to leave, my mother showed up. I have a feeling that Lucinda called her and told her what she saw when she came here. My mother didn't ask me too many questions, she just wanted to talk about Alexis and the possibility of me moving back to town.

I was so thankful when Reed finally came home. Alexis wasn't the only one who 'ran' to him, I jumped off the couch and was at his side in no time. "Hey darling," he chuckled before he pressed his lips against my forehead. "Miss me much?"

Not much else happened last night, Reed and I played with Alexis before dinner and then we put her to bed. Once she was asleep he went to shower and I relaxed on the couch. When he returned to the living room, he told me he had to finish a report for work and then disappeared into his 'office'.

He wasn't out by the time I started to nod off so I ended up going to bed alone.

I was so tired that I didn't even hear him when he came to bed. But I know he did come to bed because he was holding me when I woke up this morning.

Right now he's at work...again. He told me that he was hoping that he didn't have to go in tomorrow. "My father hasn't told me if I can take tomorrow to spend with you and Alexis yet."

I hope that he can take tomorrow off, for Alexis' sake, she seems to be missing her daddy more here than when we were in the apartment.

Conversations Take Up So Much Time

I woke up this morning to an alarm going off, at first I was wondering why the hell I set the alarm. But then I heard Reed groan as he rolled over to turn off the alarm. "Morning Berrylynn," he said softly as he settled behind me once again.

"Good morning," I replied, half turning to smile at him. He had his eyes closed and a smile on his face. "What are you smiling about?"

"I'm happy," he told me as his arm tightened around me.

"Yeah?" I turned to face him, wrapping my arm around him.

"Mmhmm," he opened his eyes to gaze at me. "Happier than I've been in a long time."

It was a little weird to be with Reed like this, not a bad weird though. It was more like this was the way I wanted to be with him before Alexis was born and now that it's happening I don't know what to do. I don't want anything to screw it up. I don't want to screw it up.

Unfortunately we couldn't stay like that for long, he had to get up to get ready for work and I had to get up to check on Alexis.

I guess it's pretty apparent that the talk we had last night went well. Although, I have to admit that I didn't throw everything on him at once. Maybe I should've said more but he was looking so tired again, I didn't want to stress him out more.

But before I tell you about that, I'll ramble on about what I did while Reed was working.

I knew that one of the first things I had to do was go make sure that my mother knew I was in town. I didn't tell Reed that she didn't know, nor did I tell him not to say anything, so I'm betting that he'll mention it to my father that I was there with Alexis.

Seeing it was Thursday I knew exactly where to find her. At 11am every Thursday for at least the past couple years, my mother meets the 'girls' at the club for brunch. The 'girls' consists of Reed's mother, Devon's mother and a few other women who's names I never remembered because I really don't like them.

It felt strange to walk into the club with Alexis on my hip. Strange because it seemed like everyone stopped what they were doing to turn and stare at us. But I didn't care, they could stare all they want, I am proud of my daughter.

I made my way over to where my mother and her friends always sat. My mother was back on to me as was Lucinda, so neither one saw me approaching. Devon's mother, Barbara happened to look up when I got closer. She stared at me for a moment before she gasped. "Oh my word! Lenore, you didn't tell us Amber was joining us!"

"Amber?" My mother turned around to look up at me. "Amber!" Mom jumped out of her chair and hugged Alexis and me before she realized what she did. Backing off slowly, she gave me this confused look. "When did you get here?"

I smiled, "I got in town yesterday mother." A waiter appeared at my side, offering me a chair to sit down. Thanking him, I sat down with Alexis in my lap. When he saw her he asked if I wanted a chair for the 'little miss'. I politely told him she was fine where she was; I wasn't planning on staying that long.

Once the waiter was gone, everyone seemed to speak at once, asking me questions.

"Why didn't you tell me you were in town?" My mother asked.

"Does Reed know you are here? Has he seen Alexis?" Reed's mother wanted to know.

"Oh she's so cute!" Babara exclaimed, "How old is she?"

"Of course she's cute! She looked like my Reed."

"What is that supposed to mean?" My mother glared at Lucinda, "I'll have you know Amber was a beautiful baby!"

"I didn't mean she wasn't Lenore, I was just saying Alexis looks more like Reed than Amber."

Alexis was looking back and forth between her grandmothers with this half grin on her face as they argued about who she took after. "Da da!" She said finally, stopping all conversation between them.

"Thank you Alexis," I kissed the top of her head.

"Amber, you didn't answer my question."

I smiled at my mother, "I didn't tell you I was coming because I wanted to surprise Reed."

"So you've seen him this morning?" His mother asked.

"Yes," I shouldn't help but grin, I tried to hide it by bowing my head but they saw it.

Lucinda raised a brow, "Is there something you would like to tell us?"

I laughed, "There's nothing to tell." I looked at my mother and I could tell she didn't believe me but she didn't say anything else about it.

Alexis and I stayed for a half hour more before she started to get restless and want to play with toys.

We were just outside the doors of the club when my mother caught up to with me. "Amber," she held my arm to stop me from going any further. "Why don't we go get lunch?"

I shook my head, "Didn't you just eat?"

"Fine, then lets go back to where you are staying and talk," she said with a smile on her face. I was going to tell her no but I decided what the hell. "Just let me call Henry to come and get us."

"Why?" I asked as I pulled out the keys to the Jeep, "Come on mother, let me show you want Reed bought Alexis." My mother couldn't believe it when she saw the Jeep, she almost flipped, she didn't think it was right for me to accept the Jeep from Reed. "It doesn't look good darling, people are going to talk."

I laughed, "Mother they are already talking about me! Do you think I care what they say?"

She thought about that for a moment, "No I guess you don't Amber, you never did." She got in the Jeep without another word. The drive to Reed's place was a silent one, the only one saying anything was Alexis, she kept babbling to herself.

My mother didn't say anything until we were seated in Reed's living room and Alexis was playing contently on the floor close by. "Amber," mom turned to me. "I hope you aren't leading Reed on, he really loves you honey."

"I know mom," I smiled. "I love him too."

I spent the entire afternoon with my mother, we talked more yesterday than we've talked in the last couple years. It was nice to be able to tell her what's been going on since I left, and how I feel now that Reed is back in my life. My mother left around 3, she had some dinner plans with my father she wanted to get ready for but she promised that she would come around to see me again while I was in town. "I hope that you move back Amber, I've missed you so much," she told me before she left.

While my mother was here Reed called to tell me that he would be home around 6 and he asked me where I'd like to go for dinner. I told him I wanted to stay at home and he sounded so relived but he tried to cover that up, "I don't have a cook Amber and I don't know if I have anything in the cupboard to eat."

I asked him to let me worry about that. After I hung up with him, I checked his cupboards and he wasn't kidding, he didn't have much in there at all. I quickly made a list of what I wanted then Alexis and I headed out to the grocery store.

We were cruising the fresh fruit section when I heard someone gasp and call out my name. Turning, I came face to face with Janie. "Oh my god!" I threw my arms around her, "I can't believe it's you!"

"I was just going to say the same thing!" She laughed, "What are you doing here? Oh!" She was looking at Alexis, "Isn't she adorable! Hey there," Janie reached out her hand to Alexis, she grabbed hold of one of Janie's fingers and pulled it to her mouth. "Hey Lexi."

"What did you just call her?" I stared at Janie.

"Lexi," Janie turned to me. "That's what Reed always calls her," she paused. "It's ok, isn't it?"

I nodded slowly, "I didn't realize that you and Reed hung out much anymore."

Janie frowned, "I see Reed a lot when he's with Devon."

It was my turn to frown, "Why when he's with Devon?"

Janie looked around at the people who were standing around shopping, "Can we talk about that later?" I hesitated and she leaned in and whispered. "There are things I've done that some people can't find out about."

"With Reed?" I asked, hoping that it wasn't true.

"No," Janie scoffed. "He's yours Amber, I would never go there."

I smiled, I didn't like to lay claim to Reed but to hear someone else say it made me smile. "Ok but you'll tell me what you are talking about?"

She nodded, "Yes let's get out of here." We quickly ran through my list and went through the check out. I told her I was staying at Reed's which didn't seem to surprise her. She followed me there and helped me bring in all the groceries.

Once we had everything put away and Alexis was happily playing with her toys in the playpen, Janie and I started to make supper. "So what did you mean?" I asked her.

"I'm still seeing Devon," she told me.

"What?!?!" I almost dropped the knife I was using. "But Reed told me he's engaged!"

"I know!" Janie groaned, "And I know I shouldn't even be giving him the time of day but Amber I can't help it." I raised a brow at her. "I know what you are thinking! And you are right, I should be ashamed of myself!"

"Why are you involved with him Janie? Especially after the way he treated you when you two were dating?"

Janie gave me this grin, "The sex is great?"

I rolled my eyes, "Janie! He's engaged!"

Janie sighed, "I know he is Amber. But -"

"But nothing Janie! No matter who great the...sex...is" I shuttered at the thoughts of anyone wanting to be with Devon. "You shouldn't be messing around with him! What happens if you get pregnant?"

"We are careful Amber."

I laughed, "So was I!" I pointed to Alexis, "But we still managed to create Alexis."

Janie was quite for a while, she finished chopping the peppers for the meat sauce I was making. "I don't want to be alone Amber." She sighed, "I haven't met anyone who lasts. At least I know where I stand with Devon, I'll never be with him and I'm ok with that."

"Janie there are a million guys out there who are better suited to you. And there may be some who are available too!"

"Funny," Janie laughed. "I've been thinking about ending it with Devon." She went on to tell me about the things that Devon does that ticks her off. By the time she was done, she was livid. "What the hell am I doing? He's a jerk and I deserve so much better than that!" She jumped, "Amber I have to go, I was supposed to meet him a half hour ago." When I asked her why she was going to meet him after what she just told me, "I'm going to tell him it's over." She left not long after, telling me that she'd call me to tell me how it went.

6 rolled around and supper was ready, I was just waiting for Reed to come home. It was quarter to seven before he walked in the door, I was on my way upstairs with Alexis, she was very sleepy. "Hey darling," Reed gave me a weary smile.

"Hey," I muttered. I was upset that he didn't call to tell me that he wouldn't be home on time. "Dinner is sitting on the stove, if you are hungry, we already ate." I didn't wait for him to say anything, I took Alexis up and put her to bed. I was debating just going to bed myself when Reed came upstairs.

"Amber?" He crossed the floor to me and went to pull me into his arms but I stopped him. "Darling please don't push me away. I'm sorry I wasn't home on time, I wanted to be here with you and Alexis."

"Why didn't you call?"

"I didn't think I would be that long, my father wanted to talk to me. Then when he was done, your father called me and started to ream me out for not telling him that you were in town." Reed rolled his eyes, "He seems to think that I'm trying to keep you from your mother."

"What? I spent most of the afternoon with my mother."

"I know! He told me that, but I guess he thinks that you should've went to their house when you came to town yesterday, not here."

I rolled my eyes, "That was my choice!" He nodded. "You know, I'm really getting tired of people butting into my business. Your friend included!"

Reed frowned, "My friend? Devon?"

I nodded, "Yes him. He's really getting on my nerves!"

"Amber," he chuckled. "You don't even see Devon."

"No, but that doesn't stop him from judging me and trying to keep us apart."

"What are you talking about?" He was clearly confused.

I tried to change the subject, I asked him if he ate and if he needed a shower. He told me he are while I was putting Alexis to bed. "Amber just tell me what you are talking about. Why do you think Devon is trying to keep us apart?"

"Let's go downstairs," I said as I started down. He had no choice but to follow me.

***

Damn! There's someone at the door. I'll have to finish this later...probably tomorrow.

The First Night Here

Ok so Alexis and I didn't exactly leave right after I posted the 'We're On Our Way' entry. I had wanted too but I realized that I had a couple things I needed to do before we left. I believe it wasn't until somewhere around two that we finally got on the road.

Yes, I think I was putting it off as long as I could because I wasn't sure what would happen once I got back there. I didn't know what I wanted, or what I expected of Reed. All I knew was that whatever was going on with Devon had to stop, I didn't like the game he was trying to play with our lives.

The trip took longer than the two hours it should've taken. Apparently Alexis isn't one for long trips in the car. Or at least she wasn't yesterday. For the first half hour she was ok, then she started to whine and call out for Reed. By the time an hour had passed, I wondered why I even bothered to make this trip, she was bawling her eyes out, she wanted Reed and since he wasn't there she wanted to get up with me. I had to pull over on the side of the road and take her out of her seat to play with her for a good half hour before she calmed down enough to listen to me as I told her that it wouldn't be too much longer before we saw her dad.

Of course, once we got on the road again, she started up again. And the fact that I got lost once didn't help.

So it was 6 by the time that I pulled up to Reed's place. Before I had left home, I called my mother and got talking to her. I managed to get her to tell me enough about Reed's neighbourhood to figure out where he lived. And she didn't even realize I did it! Or I figure she didn't because she didn't ask me why I wanted to know.

See I didn't want anyone to know we were coming. I wanted to surprise Reed.

I had no trouble convincing Reed's butler of who I was, he had seen pictures of Alexis and me apparently. He showed us to the rooms that the maid would make up for us. I was surprised when I walked into the room he showed us for Alexis, Reed had every possible baby item she would every need already in that room. When I asked Albert (the butler) about the room, he told me that Reed had set it up before he came to work for him. "I guess Mister Johnson was prepared just in case she was to visit him."

Once the maid (Margret) had the rooms set up, Alexis and I excused ourselves to freshen up a little. It was almost 7 when we made our way downstairs again.

I was expecting Alexis to be sleepy but she surprised me with the energy she had as we played on the floor together.

At 7:30 Albert came into the living room where Alexis and I were reading one of her books on the floor, to tell me that Reed was on his way home. "No, I didn't inform Mister Johnson of your presence," he told me when I asked.

Shortly after, we heard keys in the door as Reed let himself in. "Good Evening Mister Johnson," we heard Albert greet him.

Alexis looked up when she heard Albert but she didn't seem too interested until she heard Reed's voice as he exchanged pleasantries with his butler. Then she wiggled in my arms until I let her down on the floor. Quicker than I've ever seem her move, she made her way over to the entrance of the living room, "Da da."

She said it so low that I barely even heard it so I knew that Reed didn't hear her. "Did Amber call here?" I heard him ask Albert.

"No sir, Miss Sands hadn't called today." I smiled, it was true I didn't call, I showed up.

"Oh," Reed sounded disappointed. "I've been trying to call her since this afternoon. She seemed upset earlier, I wanted to make sure she was ok." I heard footsteps as they moved down the hall towards us. "I'm going to go shower, if Amber calls, come and get me ok?"

Albert went to say something but by this time Alexis had reached the corner and could see Reed. She sat up and reached upwards, "DA DA!"

I had moved over so I could see his reaction, he was standing back onto us before she called out to him. Then moment he heard her, he spun around, "Alexis?" He scooped her up and hugged her tight. "Oh Princess daddy is so happy to see you!" He gave her kisses before he turned his attention to me. "Amber," he quickly closed the distance between us. "Thank you so much," he whispered before he pulled me close and kissed me passionately.

It seemed like forever before he released me enough for me to catch my breath. "You just made a bad day so much better darling."

It wasn't long before he started to ask questions, why I was here, why I didn't call him to tell him I was coming and how long was I staying. I told him we needed to talk and he looked so worried. "Is everything ok Amber?"

I shook my head, "No everything isn't ok." I glanced down at Alexis, "I think we should wait until she's in bed to talk though."

We didn't get a chance to talk last night, after we put Alexis to bed Reed's father called and wanted to know something work related; Reed was on the phone in his office with him until 10. When he came out he looked so tired and drained, I suggested that he grab something to eat before he took that shower he spoke about earlier.

He looked a little better when he emerged from his room after the shower but he still seemed beat. "What did you want to talk about?" He asked me as he sank down onto the couch next to me. When I told him that he looked tired and should probably get some sleep he told me that he didn't know if he could, "Having you show up here unannounced makes me think you have something terrible to tell me."

I knew how it looked, I was worried that he would think that but I tried to reassure him that it wasn't that bad. "Alexis was missing you and seeing that you couldn't come down, I thought we would come see you. You should go get some sleep Reed." I stood up and he quickly got to his feet.

"Are you sure?" He stared down at me, "I don't want you to go to bed mad, if I did something wrong."

I shook my head, "You didn't do anything wrong Reed." I told him as I made my way upstairs.

We were standing outside my bedroom door when he stopped me. "So am I going to like this conversation that you want to have?" He gave me a tired smile. I hesitated and his smile disappeared. "Oh," he sighed. "Maybe we should have it now then."

"No," I shook my head again. "I think it's better to wait, I'm not going anywhere for a couple days."

He raised his brow at that, "Really?"

I nodded, "I told you I have some things I want to talk about. It could take a few days to work through those things. Plus, it would do you some good to spend some time with Alexis. I think you both need it." He smiled at me and thanked me again for being her here to see him. "You don't have to thank me Reed."

He didn't say anything else, he just stood there smiling down at me. And believe it or not, it made me feel like I did something really great by just bringing Alexis here. It made me feel happy and it made me do something I didn't plan on doing.

Lifting my hands, I caressed his face. My fingers stroked his cheek and jaw. I looked into his eyes and moved in closer to him. "I want to spend the night in your arms Reed," I told him. His eyes lit up but there was a little bit of a pause in his movements. "I want you to hold me as we sleep," I continued. "I want to feel you next to me."

He closed his eyes, lowering his head he kissed my cheek. "Darling, I'm so tired. I don't know if I can..." his voice trialed off when I took his hand in mine and led him down the hall to his room.

"Reed, all you have to do is hold me. You can do that." I pulled back the covers and crawled in.

"What if I want to do more?" He asked when he finally settled down behind me. "What if I want to make love to you?"

"That's not an option," I told him.

He chuckled, kissed the back of my neck and sighed. "I think I can live with that right now."

Reed fell asleep long before I did. It took me longer because as I rested in his arms I realized that no matter how hard I tried to resist it, I loved him and pretending I didn't wouldn't get me anywhere.

My only problem is...


...what do I tell Chris?

Even as I sit here and type this, I have no idea what I'm going to say to Chris. I just hope that he doesn't think I've played him in some way.

Reed is at work at the moment, he didn't want to leave when he woke up this morning and I didn't want him to go. But he did, promising me that we would talk when he got home.

Now I just have to kill time until that happens.

Notes Before Bed

Hello from 'home'. Reed's home that is.

I'm just dropping a line so that everyone knows I got here safely.

And boy was Reed surprised to see us!

I'd write more but I'm so tired and only have a few minutes before Reed is out of the shower. I wonder why I have the urge to giggle right now?

I'll fill everyone in later. Right now, I think I'm going to bed.

Although, I am worried about Reed, he doesn't look like he's got a good night's sleep since he left my apartment a week and a half ago. I hope he's just overworked, I'd hate to think that there was something wrong.

We're On Our Way

I'm a little confused right now. I not long ago got off the phone with the last person in the world that I wished to talk too and certainly the last person I would believe.

It wasn't a long conversation because I had no desire to talk to this person but it was interesting.

I was finishing up the breakfast dishes when the phone rang. I didn't bother to look at the caller ID. "Hello?"

"Hello Amber, how are you this morning?"

I almost dropped the phone, "Devon what the hell do you want? I'm busy!"

"Busy? Doing what? Spending Reed's money?"

I rolled my eyes, "Listen Devon I have no control over what Reed does, it's his choice to pay for everything. I didn't ask him to do that."

He laughed, "No, you didn't tell him to stop either."

"You have no idea what I said to Reed about this, he still chooses to pay for everything." It was true, I tried to approach his footing the bill a couple times and each time he told me not to worry about it, he was doing it because he wanted too. And honestly, I don't have the guts to argue with him about it because the thoughts of having to struggle with paying bills, working and taking care of my daughter make me nauseous. I'm not in the situation where I have to worry about it like I was when I was first left home.

"Chooses? Amber do you think he would be paying for everything if you weren't too lazy to get off your ass and work?"

If he was close to me at the moment, I would slap him. "For your information Devon, I was working before I moved here, it's only because Reed is paying for everything that I'm not. So why not get your facts straight, or better yet, talk to Reed before you go shooting off your mouth!" I took a deep breath, "What do you want Devon? Why are you calling?"

"Just wanted to see how you are doing," he laughed. "I'm sure that it must be hard to know that everything as you know it soon will be coming to an end."

"What are you talking about?"

"You mean Reed didn't tell you?" He sounded surprised but the tone was a little off.

"What didn't Reed tell me?" I asked, not that I would believe anything he said but I wanted to know what he would say for when I got talking to Reed again.

"About the wedding? It's going to be the event of the summer, too bad you aren't the bride!"

I knew that wasn't right, the moment he said it, I knew something was off. I didn't tell him that thought, instead I told him that whatever happens, happens for a reason. But he didn't like that at all, "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"I mean that if it were the case, I would've been told about it." I laughed, "Think about it Devon, do you honestly think I'm going to believe that Reed would do something like that and not tell me? Especially now?" Devon started to sputter. "Boy you really need to get a clue Devon! Reed isn't the player you are, if it were you I would totally see it. But he wouldn't do something like that! Now if you'll excuse me, I have a little girl here who wants some attention." I slammed the phone down, "Argh!"

When I turned to Alexis, she was looking at me, a little scared. "Da da?"

I went over to scoop her up, "No honey that wasn't daddy. But how about we call him?"

Grabbing the phone again, I settled back on the couch, I didn't bother to try his home number at all. Reed answered his phone on the second ring. "We need to talk," I told him, instead of saying hello.

"Amber! Darling, I was just thinking about you, did you get my messages last night? I waited until about ten before I went to bed." He paused and I knew what he was thinking.

"No," I told him. "I didn't check my messages I was a little upset with you about the night before."

"What?" Reed chuckled, "Amber we didn't talk the night before, I was going to call you but dinner with Devon and Annette ran a lot longer than I hoped!"

"Annette?" I asked him.

"Yeah, she's Devon's finance." The tone of his voice when he said that made me think he wasn't too impressed with her, so I asked him about her. "She has to be the most self centered person I know, everything is about her. And the giggling," Reed groaned. "I don't know how he deals with it, I wanted to stuff a pillow over her head!"

Giggling? I knew it! That bastard! I told Reed that we needed to talk, "I think there are some things you need to know."

"Well, I don't have much time now," Reed stated. "But I can call you tonight, if you are going to be home."

I sighed, "I think we need to talk face to face Reed."

"Oh," Reed sighed. "Amber I can't get away this week, that's why I was calling you last night. I can't come see Alexis this weekend."

I glanced down at Alexis who was sitting patiently with her hands to her mouth. "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that."

He went to say something else but someone interrupted him on his end. "I'm sorry Amber, I have a meeting right now, give Alexis kisses for me. I love you both." He hung up before I could even say anything.

When I hung up, Alexis grabbed the phone and held it to her ear, "Da da?"

"Oh honey, daddy had to go."

The look of sadness that crossed her face was too much for me. "You know what snuggle bug? I think it's time we saw what the Jeep daddy bought you can do."

So I have our bags packed and we are leaving as soon as I post this.

I'm nervous because this is Alexis' first long car trip, I hope she's road ready!

Dinner And Maybe Desert

It's late and I can't sleep. I want too, I'm tired I just can't seem to stay asleep.

Maybe it's because I'm still mad at Reed, or maybe it's because of the nearly naked man in my bed.

That's right, I did say nearly naked.

So here's how it went earlier today. Or was it yesterday now?

Alexis and I were approaching the Jeep in the parking lot when we heard tires screech and a horn blow. Stupid morons, I thought as we both looked towards the road in time to see a dirty white work truck whip into the parking lot.

We didn't think anything of it, I went to open the back door to put Alexis in when I heard someone call out my name as the truck pulled into the empty parking spot next to me. Alexis and I both were surprised to see Chris leaning out the passenger window.

"What are you doing here?" I asked him, smiling because I was happy to see him. "I haven't seen you in a while," I stepped closer to the truck to look up at him without the sun being in my eyes.

"I know," he sighed. "I - " The guy in the driver's seat turned up the radio making it harder to hear what Chris was saying. He turned to tell him to turn it down but then changed his mind and jumped out of the truck.

"I was saying," he smiled at me. "Things have been stupid at work, a couple guys quit so the boss asked Ted and I to work our days off. I've been working 19 days straight." He rolled his eyes and then his smile was back. "But now my days off are Friday to Monday, so I guess it worked out better for me, I can actually do stuff I want to do."

When I told him that was great, he told me that he was hoping I'd think so. "I figured that now we could go out some nights, just the two of us."

He looked so excited by the idea that I didn't want to tell him we couldn't. Then I remembered the phone call the night before, I never told Reed I wouldn't date anyone else. I didn't tell him he was even getting a second chance!

I told Chris that sounded good to me, that I'd love to spend some time with him, alone. We chatted for a couple more minutes before his buddy told him they should get going. "We were on our way back to the shop," Chris told me. "If the boss has nothing else lined up for today, would you like to have supper with me? We can go anywhere you'd like."

I told him I'd think about it, "But right now I have to go. Alexis and I have a playgroup date!"

And what a playgroup date it was! We both had such a blast! Not only were the parents nice, yes I said parents. It's listed as a mommy and me group but there were a couple dads there with their kids; one of the guys was a 'stay at home' dad, one was a single guy who took Tuesdays off work to spend time with his little girl and the other worked nights while his girlfriend worked during the day.

Alexis enjoyed crawling around with children here own age, and when she wasn't playing with the, she seemed to watch the walkers with awe. It almost looked like she was jealous of them!

After the playgroup was over, Donna pulled me aside and told me that everyone loved having us both there. "They are all hoping that you'll keep coming back every week." She gave me this grin that made me wonder if she wasn't up to something but I didn't say anything about it, I just told her that we would certainly be back!

It was after 5 when we got home. While I unlocked my apartment door, Chris came out of his apartment. After we said hello, he asked if I was interested in getting something to eat with him.

I was going to say no, but I was in such a great mood from the playgroup. "Yes! We'd love to join you for supper."

We went out one of the restaurants in town that I wasn't too familiar with. It was technically a 'fast food' restaurant because they mainly served burgers, fries and pizza but it seemed more than that, they made everything from scratch so they took longer to cook. I ordered the Chicken Supreme burger (real chicken breast with green peppers, mushrooms, onions, cheese, lettuce, tomato and mayo) and Chris ordered their Double Mozza Mushroom burger plus we both ordered fries, gravy and drinks. It took about ten minutes or so for our food to arrive but damn, it was so worth it. With every bite I took of my burger I swore that I was in heaven and my mouth agreed! Not only were the burgers and fries hot and totally mind blowing, there was a lots of it too. The burger had to be about 5 inches around and 3 inches tall, I didn't think I would even finish that, let alone the mountain of fries that they piled onto the plate.

It was almost 7 when Chris and I finally managed to get up out of our chairs to waddle out to his truck. Chris carried Alexis for me and when he was done strapping her in, he turned to find me staring at the distance I had to step up to get in his truck. "What's wrong?"

"I don't think I can make it," I told him with a smile. "Just pull down the tail gate and roll me in the back!"

He laughed, "Come here let me help you." He came over to me, in one swift moment, he picked me up off the ground and set me in the passenger seat. "How was that?" He asked, pulling the seat belt across my body and snapping it securely in place.

I was in shock, I never expected him to do that. "Thank you," I almost whispered when he turned to smile at me.

"No problem," he replied as his eyes travelled over my face, from my eyes to my lips and back again. I lifted my hand to his face, my fingers rubbing over the roughness of his jaw while my thumb brushed his bottom lip. He leaned in to give me a brief kiss on my lips before he said something about getting us home.

I invited him in when we got to my apartment and told him to make himself comfortable while I went to get Alexis ready for bed.

Once she was starting to nod off, I went out to the living room to see that Chris was nodding off as well. I didn't say anything as I sat down next to him, took the remote and turned off the TV. He reached out and touched my face, "I'm sorry," he said.

"It's ok," I told him as I moved in closer to him.

He wrapped his arms around me and sighed. "I hoped I would make it past 8 before I started to nod off."

I smiled, "I'm just glad that I got to see you today."

"Me too," he mumbled, he was fighting a losing battle, his eyes were staying closed longer than they were opened. When I told him he should probably go home, he told me in a minute, he wanted to hold me for a while longer.

I didn't say anything to him then, I didn't even say anything to him when he woke up an hour later and looked up at me. "I should go home," he mumbled but he fell back to sleep before he could move.

We were lying on the couch, in an awkward position when he woke up around 10. "Sorry," he said as he stared down at me. I told him it was ok, and he straightened out on the couch then helped me straighten out.

We talked for a while, then I kissed him.

We were going at it pretty hot and heavy long enough that the only thing either of us had left on was our underwear. I suggested we go into my room and he didn't argue.

I'm not sure what happened in between the time that we left the couch and crawled into my bed. All I remember is that the desire to go further wasn't there for either of us; he was starting to fall asleep again and I felt cheated.

Well, I better go and wake him up. He asked me to make sure he was up by 5, he has to get ready and leave for work by 6.

Which Way Is Up?

There's still four hours to go before we can go to the playgroup. I thought it was in the morning but when I called Donna to tell her we would be there this morning, she told me it wasn't until 2!

So now we wait. I hate waiting. And I think Alexis hates it too. She has crawled over to the door so many times this morning; she sits there and looks at me as if to tell me it's time to go. Of course, I have to tell her it isn't time and she crawls back over to her toys.

I wish that it was that easy for me to amuse myself but it isn't. I keep thinking about yesterday and I don't know what to do about it. I'm upset, yet I'm not. Maybe I'm losing my mind.

See, last night I called Reed to see how the meeting went but he wasn't home. So I called his cell. At first there wasn't an answer but the second time there was, only it wasn't Reed who answered the phone. It was a woman.

When I asked for Reed, she told me that he was busy. "What is he doing?" I asked.

The woman giggled, that's right, giggled! Who in the world giggles when asked what someone is doing? No one! Unless....NO! I'm not going there!

When the giggling whore composed herself enough to reply, she asked who I was. I told her I was Alexis' mom, Reed's ex. And you know what she says? 'Oh dear,' in this singsongy little girly voice. I wanted to jump through the phone and slap her one.

But before I totally lost it, I asked her to tell Reed that I called. She told me she would as soon as he got out of the shower.

WHAT?!?!?!?!?

There were a million things running through my mind at that moment, but neither one of those things was rated PG and Alexis was sitting next to me because she wanted to talk to 'da da'.

I hung up the phone before I said anything else. When I told Alexis that daddy was busy she cried.

Reed didn't call back last night.

If I seem a little calmer than I should be, it's all a ruse. I'm so pissed off at this moment that it's probably a good thing he didn't call back.

Although, it only makes my mood worst.

I wish it was flippin' two o'clock already!

Catching Up

I woke up feeling happier than I felt in a long time. Could admitting that I still love him be the reason for that? Or is it because for once, I didn't wake up alone? I glanced at Reed's sleeping form and I smiled. He needs a haircut, I thought. Although, I didn't mind the fact that he had shoulder length hair, I sometimes wished it was shorter. I went to reach out and touch his head but he coughed and rolled over onto his back.

His eyes flicked a couple times and then they opened. He laid there staring at the ceiling for a moment before he sighed and turned onto his side, facing me. When he saw me, he seemed surprised. "Hey Amber," he gave me a sleepy grin.

It wasn't exactly the greeting I expected after I told him I loved him. I don't know what I was expecting but I was kinda hoping for a kiss at least. But he didn't even move in closer to me. Does he really love me? Or was he just saying that? I frowned, God I hope he wasn't kidding.

Reed yawned which caused me to yawn as well. "Is Alexis awake?" He asked me.

I shrugged, "I don't think so." I feel so stupid lying there with him, the distance between us seemed to be so much more than the foot of bed.

"Did you.." He paused, frowned and then continued. "Did you get some sleep?"

I nodded, I didn't trust myself to say anything.

"Oh that's good," he looked at me like he was trying to figure something out. "When did you..." he trailed off.

"When did I what?"

He ran a hand through his hair, "When did you join me? In bed?" I stared at him in shock, "What?" He asked.

"You have got to be kidding!" I snapped and went to get out of bed.

"Amber!" He grabbed my arm to stop me. "What? What did I say?"

I shook his hand off my arm, "Nothing Reed, nothing at all." I got out of bed and pulled on my clothes. Either he didn't know for real, or he was playing some sick game; it didn't matter which it was, I still wanted to cry.

Once I was dressed, I went to the bathroom. While I was in there Reed got up and checked on Alexis, who was awake in her crib. He pulled her out and headed back to my bed. "Daddy has to go bye bye tonight." He told her, "I wish I didn't have too but I have to work."

I made my way back to my room. Standing in the doorway, I asked him if he wanted anything special for supper. He told me he was thinking about ordering pizza, if I knew a good place. I went and got him a menu to the one place that I always ordered from. "What did you want?" He asked me as he scanned the menu with Alexis.

"I'm not hungry," I told him and disappeared into the living room.

I was watching something about some shipwreck when they came out of my room. Reed put Alexis down on the floor with some of her toys before he came over and sat down next to me. "Tell me why you are mad at me," he asked.

I shook my head, "I'm not mad Reed." I feel stupid.

"No? Then why don't you want pizza? You love pizza." It was true, I did.

I shrugged, "I'm just not in the mood to eat I guess."

Reed sighed, "Ok." He got off the couch and picked up the phone to call in his order. Once he was finished with that, he joined Alexis on the floor.

I sat there pretending to watch the TV, I saw every single glance Reed made in my direction. He was trying to figure out what he did wrong.

The show I was watching ended, so I was surfing through the guide when Reed crawled over to me. "Berrylynn please tell me what I did."

I sighed, "You didn't do anything Reed. I just thought you were awake when I joined you, you spoke to me."

"Oh?" He frowned, "I don't remember talking, I don't remember you coming to bed. I'm sorry Amber."

"It's ok," I told him but I wasn't looking at him, I was staring at the TV. Oh! 7th Heaven! I flipped the channel to the show and laid down the remote.

"So what did I say when you came to bed?" Reed was still kneeling at my feet.

I shrugged, "It doesn't matter."

He sighed, "Yes it does. What did I say?"

"You told me you loved me." I didn't look at him but I could see him out of the corner of my eye; he sat back on his heels.

"I've told you that before," he gazed up at me. "You know how I feel about you, that shouldn't have been a surprise, nor should it have made you mad."

"I'm not mad Reed!"

"Really?" He got off the floor and sat next to me. "Why did me telling you that I love you, upset you?"

"It didn't Reed, like you said, it wasn't a surprise. What was said after was the surprise." Damn! I didn't mean to say that!

"What was said after that?" He asked. When I didn't say anything he sighed, "Amber don't do this, tell me what I said that upset you!"

I turned to him, "It wasn't something you said, it was something I said!" I jumped off the couch. "I said something stupid."

Reed stood up, his hands lifted to my waist. "Amber what did you say?"

I shook my head, "I'm not repeating it."

He took a step closer, "If I told you I loved you, what could you have possibly said?" He pulled me closer and leaned down, his lips were next to my ear. "Could you have possibly told me that you loved me too?" His lips brushed against my cheek, "Hmmm? Did you darling?"

I didn't say anything, I couldn't say anything. I lowered my head.

"Come on my darling Berrylynn, please tell me what you said," he kissed along my cheek down towards my lips. Once he kissed the corner of my mouth, he pulled back slightly and stared down at me. "I love you Amber."

I closed my eyes, I couldn't look into his eyes. "I love you too Reed," I whispered but turned my head before he could kiss me. "I don't want too but I do."

He was quiet, I could feel his body tense. "Why don't you want too?" He asked slowly.

I looked up at him, "Because loving you hurts Reed."

We stood there staring into each others eyes; both seeing love and pain in the others eyes and not knowing what we could do to change that.

"I'm sorry I've hurt you Amber."

The pizza came just afterwards; even though I said I wasn't hungry, Reed ordered my favorite pizza for me.

We ate in relative silence. Once supper was finished and Alexis was in bed for the night, Reed packed up his things and started to leave.

"Amber?" He turned to look back at me from the doorway.

"Yes Reed?"

"I love you." I turned away from him and he crossed the room towards me. He pulled me into his arms and held me, "I promise you, I'll make it right again." I went to tell him that wasn't necessary but he stopped me. "Just promise me one thing?"

"What's that?"

"Promise me that you won't fall for another while I'm trying?" He kissed my cheek. "Please don't fall in love with Chris."

Chris? I stared up at him, I had pretty much forgotten about him.

Reed didn't ask to me tell him that I promised, he kissed me on the lips and told me he'd be thinking about me when he was up to his eyes in work. "I hope I can get some free time to come see you and Alexis next weekend."

That was over a week ago. He didn't get the time to come and see us, according to my mother, they were pretty much working around the clock to get the proposal ready for tomorrow. He called a couple times to check in with us but we barely had time to say 'hello' before he was gone again.

Last week Alexis and I tried to get into our normal routine but it just seemed wrong somehow.

I was hoping that I would've heard from Chris, seeing he was on his four days off but I didn't see or hear him at all. I didn't know if he was avoiding me or if he was just busy.

So far there is nothing on our schedule for this upcoming week. Well besides the 'mommy and me' group that Donna told us about, we are going to that on Tuesday. Alexis and I both can't wait for that to come!

Answers Have So Many Different Layers

Do I still love him? How can I answer that? I wondered.

"Amber?" Reed moved closer to me, closing the distance that was a buffer between us. I couldn't look at him, I knew that if I did he would know the answer to his question and I don't know if he would've liked the answer he got. "Amber?" He repeated my name, this time he reached out his hand and put it on my leg.

Oh god! I squeezed my eyes shut as I tried to send him telepathic messages to stop touching me. I can't think when you do that Reed, please stop.

He sighed, "Amber please say something?" He sounded so sad, I couldn't help but turn my head in his direction. Reed sat up straight, "Please tell me. I need to know Amber. I don't want to hold on to the hope that one day we will be happy together if you have no desire to be with me."

How do you tell someone that you don't know? I sighed. Ok, I do know. I know that every time he's around I can't help but think of our future - together. But when he's not here...I...I...miss him.

While I was having my little mental moment, Reed got off the couch to go stare out the window. Hmm, I thought as I watched him. I've done that many times before, when I didn't know if I was going to like what someone was about to say.

Why is it so hard to tell him how I feel? Why can I tell people who don't matter, like Devon but I can't tell Reed? "Reed, I -" His cell started to ring as soon as I began to speak.

Reed turned, he was looking at me expectantly. "What Amber?"

"Aren't you going to answer that? It could be important."

He shook his head, "No this is more important to me."

"Oh," I didn't know what to say. I was so used to my father putting his work before my mother and me, that he surprised me.

"Amber, you were going to say something?" Reed had left the window and was seated next to me again. "Please go on."

"Well, I was going t-" Reed's cell started to ring again. "Just answer it," I told him.

Reluctantly he got up to grab his cell from the table, "Hello?" He sounded a little snarly. "Oh! Mr Sands, hello."

I frowned, what does my father want with Reed?

"Well," Reed looked over his shoulder at me. "I'm at Amber's at the moment. No, Alexis is sleeping. What?" Reed started to play with his phone's case as he talked to my father. "No sir, Amber and I are just talking."

What? My head snapped up, is my father asking about me and Alexis? I stared at Reed but he didn't know it because he wasn't turned in my direction.

"But Carl, I thought that they weren't available until the first week of May?" Reed turned towards me, he didn't look too happy. "Tomorrow? Are you - oh ok, yeah I will. Ok, bye." He snapped his phone closed and stared at it.

"Reed?" He looked up at me when I said his name. "What did my father want?"

Slowly he put his phone back in its case and came over to sit with me again. "We've been working on a high profile account for months, we were supposed to have until the beginning of May before we presented our ideas to them. Your father just called to tell me that they are moving the deadline up to next Monday. He told me I have to come back today, there's an emergency meeting scheduled with the entire team for tomorrow morning."

"Why can't they wait until Monday?"

Reed sighed, "We have so much work to do still, pretty much three weeks of work in one. Your father is freaking a little."

"Oh," I didn't want him to go. I'm not prepared for him to go today! "What about Alexis? Are you going to leave without saying bye to her?"

"I know your father wants me to come back now so we can go over some stuff before tomorrow but I don't want to go," he laughed. "I want to see my little girl."

"Well," I glanced at the time, Alexis would be asleep for a while longer. "I could wake her up if you'd like?"

He shook his head, "No. I don't want that. Your father is just going to have to wait." Reed stretched and yawned. "Besides, I think I need to get some sleep before I go anyway. I didn't get much last night."

I got up to let him stretch out on the couch.

Ok, now what do I do? I couldn't watch TV, or go onto my computer because both of them would make too much noise in the quiet apartment. If he wasn't lying on the couch it wouldn't be such a big deal. I glanced over at him, he was turning over as he tried to get comfortable.

I walked over to the couch and touched his shoulder, he looked up at me. "Why don't you go lie down on my bed? It'll be more comfortable than the couch and I can do some house work without bothering you."

He didn't argue with me, he just said thanks as he walked towards my room.

I sat down on the couch and picked up the remote to the TV. I didn't feel like watching TV and none of the movies I had jumped out and screamed, 'watch me." I didn't really have any housework to do either.

So I sat there and thought about the question that Reed asked me, do you still love me?

I thought about it for a minute, I do love him. Jumping up, I headed for my room, I didn't want to sit by myself in the living room any longer.

When he went in my room he just pushed the door to, it wasn't closed. I lifted my hand to the door and slowly pushed it open, walking into the room.

Reed had removed his pants and shirt and was laying under the sheets of my bed. I waited to see if he would move or say anything but the soft snores that came from my bed told me that he was already asleep.

That didn't take long, I thought as I turned to go again. But when I tried to step through the doorway, I found I couldn't do it. What the hell? I thought.

I spun around and walked over to my bed, Reed was facing the opposite direction. As I gaze down at him, I lifted my hands to my body and removed my shirt and pants. Standing in just a tank top and panties, I wondered if I knew what I was doing for just a moment before I lifted the sheets and slid in next to him.

I didn't want to wake him but as I watched him sleep, I wanted his arms around me. I knew I couldn't turn him around, so I did the next best thing. I moved in close to him and wrapped my arm around him.

He jumped, which woke him up a little. He glanced down at my arm and then looked over his shoulder. When he saw me a smile formed on his lips, "Berrylynn," he mumbled as he turned to face me.

His arms were around me now, I was where I wanted to be.

In his half asleep state, he kissed my forehead. "I love you my darling Berrylynn."

I closed my eyes and snuggled closer to him.

"I love you too Reed," I whispered against his chest.